FicWad

The vodka was doing shit to calm me. It was getting dark and instead of riding off into the sunset with Gerard I was home… alone. Fucking cutting lines of coke out on our kitchen table no less. The phone rang and rang but I wouldn’t answer it. I had nothing to say. Not to anybody. And there was nothing to say really. I wasn’t gonna be able to bat my eyelashes out of this one… I fucked up – I fucked up big time.

My mind raced as the first line of cocaine rushed through my bloodstream…Gerard wasn’t gonna be coming back -not tonight that was for sure... Maybe not ever you know? I mean honestly, why would he? There was nothing left here. I destroyed our future. Our beautiful life that he had worked so hard for… Three fucking years he worked and worked so that when the time was right we would have it all and I fucking threw it away… And for what? Cause Bob loves me? Fuck. Bob! God! How could he do this to me! What nerve he has falling in love with me! I thought back to all those times we’d spent together. How stupid I was for not seeing it before…

Then the second line, and more questions...more pain… I still couldn’t understand how this happened… I loved Gerard; he was my heart and my soul. He was my everything…He was the one in my heart. I built my fucking life around him. I wanted to die that day I cut my wrist open. He saved me. His love saved me and this is how I pay him back? Cheating on him with his friend? With my friend… with my Bobby… Ah my Bobby…I loved him too. God knows I did! He was so much more then just a friend to me. And his kisses felt so right. I mean was that wrong? Three quarters of a bottle of vodka later and I can still taste him on my lips… Fuck… Why did things have to change? Why was shit so complicated?

I loved Gerard and I loved Bob and yet I'm sitting alone in the dark because I'm too scared to get up and put the light on… I was alone with my fears and I deserved it… I mean I always thought being alone was some kinda curse the universe put on me, but it wasn’t… It was cause I would hurt and destroy everyone around me. I was toxic that was for damn sure… Thank god my mother was dead… The shame I would’ve caused her and my papa… ah if he saw me now making my way down that third line of coke with ease… He’d be so disappointed that’s for sure… The only one who wouldn’t be let down would be Nicky.

I mean he once told me I’d have to be a fucking crack whore - out pimping myself on the street corner for my next fix for him to be ‘somewhat’ disappointed in me. I guess he had the same rose-colored glasses I did… Huh, maybe I’ll go see him tomorrow, I thought to myself as I inhaled the rest of the powder off the table… Or maybe not… It didn’t really seem to matter anymore… Nothing seemed to matter. The thoughts of how badly I just fucked up were still swirling around in my mind no matter how I tried to numb them out…

And then somewhere between the vodka and the tears I found myself in the bathroom pulling the pills down from the shelf… Ativan, 0.5mg… It was suppose to help me with my anxieties… What a joke that was. I put them in my pocket and I don't even know why. I grabbed my keys and I walked out. I couldn’t stay there. Not at night… not without him…

I stepped outside and Mikey’s car was gone from the driveway. I guess Gerard took it when he left cause my truck was here now. I just got in and drove. I didn’t even know where I was going. I shouldn’t have been driving, I was drunk and fucked up beyond belief, but it was late now and there was hardly anybody on the roads.

I was heading towards the city. I wanted to see Nicky. I mean he would understand. He wouldn’t judge me or tell me shit… He wasn’t in the position to preach that was for sure. I just wanted someone to tell me they loved me and that it was gonna be alright. I was halfway through Jersey when I realized that A- it was the middle of the night and I wasn’t going to be able to visit Nicky right now. And that B- I didn’t even have money to pay the fucking toll to cross the bridge anyway. I walked out and I didn’t bring my purse. The only thing I had was my cell phone clipped on my jeans and the bottle of pills in my pocket.

I pulled off the road right before the Outerbridge. I don't even know what the fuck I was doing there. The Outerbridge crossed into Staten Island. Nicky was in Sing Sing, Fucking 40 miles north of the city and I'm by Staten Island? Shit. I was such a fucking fuck up it was unbelievable…I pulled down some dark ally in Perth Amboy and shut the engine off and just cried… I wasn’t lost but I wasn’t ‘found’…I wasn’t where I was supposed to be…that much I knew.

Fuck, why does love have to be so tough? Why do I keep fucking up shit? Why? I know why- cause I'm a fuck up -and Gerard was better off with out me… So was Bob…

And maybe it was just me being me, but one thing I knew for sure, was there were no answers for me at the bottom of the liquor bottles. And I know cause I drank them all…Not in the vodka, not in the rum, not even in the cheap champagne that we were suppose to be toasting our love to this very evening…

No there were no answers there, but maybe…just maybe they were in this bottle of Ativan…With out a sound I popped the lid off and just swallowed them down. Squeezing my eyes shut and I just collapsed down against the seat and passed out…