FicWad

There was this buzzing sensation running up my side and I opened my eyes and the sun nearly killed me…I sat up and looked around. I was in my truck still, parked down some ally behind a warehouse. Trucks were kinda passing by overhead. And then I remembered the bridge…How I didn’t have any money, how I took the pills and passed out… But I was just as unsuccessful with the pills as I was with the razor all those years ago apparently. Shit… I cant even fucking kill myself properly! I mean this is what a disgrace I am.

I rubbed at my eyes and then the buzzing started up again… It was my cell phone. I tore it from my waistband. I had no intentions of answering it but some how I flicked it open to turn it off and it answered…

“Elle!” I hear Danni’s fucking voice scream. Drunk or not she was one loud chick. I was so tempted to just close it you know? Hang it up, but I couldn’t do that her. Plus she sorta heard me sniffle a little cause she called my name again. “Elle can you hear me?” She says and I rolled my eyes. The phone was a fucking foot from me and I could hear her. Shit I bet Nicky could hear her in his sound proof cell she was that loud.

“Yeah Danni.” I say and she sorta exhaled a little relived.

“Oh my god! I've been worried sick! Where have you been! Two days I've been looking for you!” She yelled at me as I reached to start the truck back up.

“What?” I said shaking my head a little.

“I mean I called everywhere, no one knew where you went.” She continues to talk but her words were stuck in my head… Two days? Is that what she just said?

“Wait Danni, what day is it?” I asked her and she seemed to shift the phone a little. She was talking to someone in the background. Ray I assumed. She was telling him that she was talking to me and shit.

“What do you mean what day is it? It’s Sunday Elle.” She says and I winced a little. Fuck…Two days? I was out for two days? Let me tell you, only in Jersey can a girl pass out in a truck and go unbothered for 2 days…And the worst part was that it would be funny if it wasn’t true... “Elle hold on a sec.” She says and suddenly Rays voice filled the phone.

“Elle are you okay?” He says and I laughed a little sarcastically.

“I'm alive.” I replied and I could see him giving me that disapproving stare of his. “Gerard told you what happened?” I say and my voice trembled as I said his name.

“Uh no.” He sorta lowered his voice down. “Gerard hasn’t talked to anyone, not even Mikey.” He says and I bit down on my bottom lip, which was trembling out of control now. “But uh Bob…” He says his voice trailing off a little and my heart clenched up at the mention of his name too…

“Oh,” was all I managed to say and Ray kinda sighed loudly.

“Elle, where the fuck are you.” He blurts out and I looked around.

“I'm in my truck.” I shrugged and he didn’t like that answer.

“You're high aren’t you?” He says and I didn’t answer him and I should've… I mean I wasn’t high. I just woke up. But I was staring down at my ring and I couldn’t find my voice… “Shit Elle is that what you’ve been doing all weekend!” He started to yell at me and I snapped out of it.

“No!” I sorta yelled back and it was the truth.

“You going home Elle?” He said a little resigned. “I’ll meet you there, we have to talk.” He says and I cringed.

“Home?!” I said like I never heard of it. “You mean the place where Gerard and live?” I started to get hysterical. “No I'm not going back there, not without him.” I tell Ray and he mumbled something to Danni.

“Come by here then Elle. We need to talk.” He says and it was like he could see me making a face at him. “Munchkin please, just come by.” He says begging me almost.

“Look Ray if I can I will.” I sorta shrugged.

“What you got big plans for today.” He sorta replied back snidely as I stared up longingly at the railing on the Outerbridge...

“Mmm maybe...”

“No.” Rays voice was firm. “Your ass. Here. Now. I'm waiting.” He says and he went to hang up. I heard him say something to Danni like ‘no that’s how you have to talk to her.’ I found myself frowning as the line went dead… Shit…

My neck was sore; my whole body was sore actually. I hesitantly put the gear shaft in reverse and backed out of the alley. I was just gonna go and talk to Ray. I mean maybe Gerard was gonna forgive me? I don't know… I didn’t know anything, but he was waiting and I wasn’t gonna disappoint him. I’d already disappointed way to many people, I wasn’t gonna be adding Raymond Toro to the list as well…

I somehow managed to drive to Rays apartment with out killing anyone or getting stopped by the cops. Which was a miracle in itself. I was driving like a reckless maniac, and that was putting it mildly. I mean the combination of stress and the fact that I nearly OD’d and hadn’t eaten since I couldn’t remember just made me an accident waiting to happen…

As soon as I pulled up into a parking space outside Rays place I had second thoughts. I would’ve fucking turned around right then and there but he was sitting outside smoking. And he saw me… I reluctantly got out of the truck and went towards him.

“You look like shit Elle.” He says and I forced a smile at him.

“Aw that’s funny Ray cause I feel fantastic.” I tell him and he made a face as he pulled me against him. He hugged me and didn’t say anything for a moment. Then he pulled back and sorta looked at me funny. I think he was wondering why I wasn’t crying and it was probably the fact that he was smothering me… Well that and the fact that I was so weak I could barely stand on my own.

“Lets go in.” He sorta nudged me and once we got inside I was overwhelmed by all the boxes. I mean I totally forgot how Danni was moving in…

“Ray if you brought me here to fucking help you unpack.” I sorta teased him and he kinda smiled as Danni appeared in the hallway.

“Elle!” She cried out as she came barreling towards me. Damn Bob was right. She was a crazy assed chick… But that meant if she was here, that like Bob moved out… He was probably half way to Chicago by now…Danni was babbling on about something but I wasn’t really listening to her.

“Huh?” I ask and she sorta exchanged looks with Ray.

“When was the last time you ate?” She says and I shrugged.

“Okay. I'm gonna make you something.” Ray says and I frowned.

“Naw Ray don't.” I tried to argue but he was already heading into the kitchen. “Look can I just wash up? I don't really feel so well and…” I say to Danni and she nodded.

“Yeah maybe I have a shirt or something that would fit ya too, I’ll be right back.” She sorta tossed her hands up as she pushed me towards the bathroom.

I went in and locked the door behind me… I found myself wondering how long I could hide out in here for? I mean forever sounds reasonable… Or just until Gerard forgives me… Which ever comes first you know? I ran the water and splashed some on my face as I looked around the room. Shit Danni’s been here two days and it looks like its been forever. She had so much crap it was unbelievable… I found myself opening their medicine cabinet but I didn’t know why… I just wanted to see what kinda pills they had… But there was nothing but some advil.

I sorta washed myself the best I could in their sink but it didn’t really matter. I brushed my hair and pulled it back into a pony tail which I never ever do… But I was doing a lot of things I’d never done before lately- Like opening my friends medicine cabinet to steal their pills, oh and attempting to fuck Bob, that was new, and then there’s that bit about breaking Gerard's heart… So really a pony tail wasn’t that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things…

I shut the water in disgust and dried my hands off… I was just gonna go out there and apologize to Ray and to Danni, and tell them that I couldn’t eat and that I had to go and then I could leave and go back to doing what ever the fuck it was I was doing… I don't even know…

I reached for the bathroom doorknob and I just knew that I wanted out. Not just out of the bathroom, but out of everything…It was over… I quit, you know?

I stepped out into the hall and there he was…Just standing there with Ray…they both looked over at me and he opened his mouth to speak…