FicWad

He mumbled something to Ray, I don't even know what it was just that inaudible… And then Ray said something back, but I don't know what it was either. I was just stupidly standing in the hallway outside the bathroom door looking at them. I wanted to just run back in, you know, lock the door behind me and all but I didn’t cause all of a sudden Bob stepped forward and I froze... I didn’t know what to do… I mean I didn’t even know why I was so surprised to see him there, he fucking lived there! Didn’t he? I just assumed that he packed up and left this weekend like he originally planned to but I guess he didn’t.. At least, not yet...

Suddenly he was coming down the hall towards me and I turned my body slightly so I was angled more towards the wall. I couldn’t face him… I didn’t want to. And it was just so hard for me to turn away from him. He was my Bobby and I wanted so bad to curl up in his arms and have him tell me everything would be okay, that everything was gonna go back to normal…But that was just a dream that could never happen.

It was obvious I didn’t want to talk to him; from the way I turned from him and lowered my eyes down. And if Bob was anything, he was respectful. In fact that was probably the reason he didn’t try to ‘break up’ Gerard and me all these years. He respected our relationship. He didn’t want to fuck it up. He was a good man that Bob Bryar and that just made it hurt even more as he sorta brushed by me in the hall.

He kinda touched me as he went by. I mean the hallway was narrow, and he sorta reached his hand up and placed it on my shoulder as he went by. But it was casual; it was what you do when you're trying to squeeze by some one like that. And the second his hand touched me I tensed up. I mean I didn’t mean to. It was just this gut reaction I suppose. The guilt at what I had done was still tearing at my soul…

And I know he felt me tense up cause he paused. He was still so close to me… maybe a foot away. He dropped his hand down and just looked at me for a second, but I wouldn’t look back at him. I couldn’t…. I mean it was too much… It was bad enough that I could smell him. I could practically feel him too, even though I wasn’t touching him. And I could even taste him on my lips still. This is how awful of a person I am.

“You put your hair up.” I hear him say plainly and I bit down on my lip as I glanced over at him. He was looking at it and when he shifted his eyes back to my face - I shifted mine back to the wall and didn’t say anything, I sorta shrugged and I could see him shift his weight a little out of the corner of my eye. “It’s nice.” He says lowering his voice down to almost a whisper and I reached up and pulled the elastic from it. My hair fell down onto my shoulders and some into my face and I couldn’t see him anymore out of the corner of my eye.

“Let’s go munchkin.” Ray waved me over and just like that I stepped forward one way down the hall and Bob went the other way…Ray forced me to sit down at the table where he and Danni proceeded to force feed me. I mean I told them I wasn’t hungry, but they didn’t seem to care… For a long time nothing was said except the normal chatter about the food. And how much I was eating or not eating… It was making me crazy! I mean it was like this giant cloud was hanging overhead and they were just ignoring it… Finally Danni said something…

“Where have you been Elle?” She says wincing a little like she was almost afraid of my answer.

“Nowhere.” I replied sipping on my water bottle. The food I could care less for, but I was so thirsty. I guess from being do dehydrated…

“Well even ‘nowhere’ is in fact ‘somewhere’, so where were you?” She points out and I rolled my eyes at her. I wasn’t in the mood for her zen bullshit right now.

“I was in my truck.” I shrugged.

“For two days?” She says and I shrugged once more. She sorta made a face at me and then shifted her eyes from me to Ray. He kinda scratched at his ‘fro and gave me that analyzing stare of his. I mean he knew I wasn’t lying cause that just wasn’t me.

“Look what the fuck do you guys want from me.” I say roughly pushing my dish away from me. Danni kinda frowned as she got up and took it to the sink.

“Have you been taking your pills?” Ray says and I smirked. Everyone knew I had anxiety pills, and everyone knew I didn’t like taking them… “I'm saying they might help.” He suggests and I couldn’t help but laugh.

“Naw, they didn't do shit.” I tell him and he sorta looked past me a little.

“Maybe you didn’t take enough.” Danni shrugged and I shook my head in amusement.

“Took the whole bottle.” I said under my breath and I don't think Danni heard me cause she was still sorta by the sink, but Ray heard me, cause he was still sitting next to me. He leant back in his chair and as he ran his hands through his fro he sorta exhaled a little like it pained him.

“You took the whole bottle.” He sorta cringed and he looked over at Danni who looked over at…

Oh fuck, it was Bob again, now he was standing by the doorway, sorta eavesdropping on our conversation...

“That’s what you’ve been doing?” He snapped at me. “You fucking took those pills and passed out in your truck?” He said stepping in to the kitchen and I turned my face from him. I don't know what he said next cause it was just a jumbled mess or profanity and grumblings and Ray stood up and sorta pushed him back out of the kitchen as Danni came and sat back down.

“Elle.” She sorta sighed and reached for my hand on the table and I pulled it back. I didn’t want her sympathy… I didn’t deserve it…

“I gotta go.” I say abruptly standing up. And for a spilt she looked like she was gonna stop me but she didn’t…

Instead she called for Ray to do it… And he did. He grabbed me seconds before I went out the door and he forced me back into the living room where he had Bob sorta cornered sitting on some boxes. “Ray!” I whined but he shook his head a little.

“No you gotta fucking fix this, both of you.” He says throwing his hands up in the air and I looked over at Bob who now had his head hung forward in shame.

“There’s nothing to fix.” I announced and Bob kinda looked up at me.

“Elle come on!” Ray argued back. “You're saying there’s nothing between you two.” He says and I bit my lip a little as I shook my head no. “Serious Elle, you can’t just pretend that nothing happened.” He points out and I shrugged. Obviously Ray didn’t know me as well as he thought he did. Pretending nothing was wrong was what I do best… He looked over at Bob who sorta shrugged too. “You two got it all figured out huh?” He says smirking a little at us. “And Gerard-“ He proposes and I winced at the sound of his name.

“Gerard will forgive me.” I say softly blinking back the tears in my eyes. “Or I’ll die waiting.” I added and Bob shook his head a little resigned.

“Then it’s settled.” He says clearing his throat a little as he looked up at Ray who was still standing there disapprovingly. All of a sudden Danni peeks into the living room.

“Ray!” She kinda yelled out with this panicked undertone and we all looked over at her. “We’ve got company.” She says as this loud pounding echoed from the front door through out the room…