FicWad

It didn’t take me long once I got inside to dig through my closet and pull out a bag of coke. I had shit stashed all over house, some that Gerard didn’t even know about… I don't know how it happened. I mean I wasn’t hiding it from him. I was a drug user. Fuck, he was too. But it wasn’t like we were doing it all the time. We knew how to have fun, and he said he had no problem if that was all I was doing it for…fun. But he hated to see me snort away my problems. He always said that when shit got to bad for me, that all I had to do was tell him and he would help me through it… That I didn’t need drugs. That all I needed was him. And he was right… He helped me through so many nights… But tonight, tonight he wasn’t here, and it was dark and I was alone and I was scared. God help me I was so scared.

I didn’t mean to do so much either, one line became two and two became three and the next thing I knew - the whole fucking bag was gone. I was sitting on the floor in the living room, with coke powder all over our coffee table and all over my nose and I felt this trickle of blood go down from my nose onto my lip. I reached up to wipe it and it wouldn’t stop…

I was just gonna ignore it. I mean I was wasted. I was beyond wasted, I was beyond a disgrace, but something in my head said to get up. So I did… I mean I tried. I stood up and immediately lost my balance and fell over… I know I knocked down the lamp cause I heard it crash, but that was it…

I suppose I passed out. I don't really know. The next thing I knew I heard a door open and the sound of heavy footsteps as someone approached. I felt like I was floating and I wondered if I was dead and floating up to heaven, but then I realized they had just lifted me up off the floor.

Suddenly I felt the softness of the bed underneath me and I could smell Gerard as the blankets were pulled back. I wanted to open my eyes but I couldn’t… It was like a dream and a nightmare all at the same time… He was here but I couldn’t speak to him… But he was here. He cared. He had to have…I felt a wet rag on my head, and the bed shifted as he laid on it. A soft brush of what felt like his lips on my cheek and I drifted off to sleep knowing he was so very disappointed in me…

The next morning I awoke alone in the bed… You could see the indent from where he had laid on top of the blankets… He had stayed all night, but snuck out before I woke…

“Oh Gerard.” I sighed as I ran my hand along the spot where he had laid. Shit, why the fuck was I so stupid… How could I keep messing up? Mikey told me to go home! Go home and wait! And he comes and just like Bob predicted he finds me passed out on the floor! At least I wasn’t dead, but shit…

As I got up out of bed I noticed the closet door was open and some of his clothes were missing and it broke my heart… I mean he didn’t take everything… Just enough to last him a few days…He was mad, I know he was, but he came back once- he’ll come back again… And somehow that gave me some kinda hope for us… So I waited…I waited all day for him.

It was Monday, and he was at work. I mean I assumed he went to work, but I didn’t know…I should've been at school, but I couldn’t go. I couldn’t leave the house. I was gonna wait as long as I had to for him. I owed it to him. He would forgive me. And he was gonna come home and I was gonna be right here waiting. And I was gonna be sober when he got here. I mean this was my life, this was our life… All the mistakes I made, we came to far to quit now. I needed him. I was gonna talk to him and we were gonna work this out… We just had to.

I figured he usually gets out around three, but three pm came and left and no Gerard. So I waited, 4 pm came and no Gerard. 5 pm came and still no Gerard, but I wasn’t giving up. I sat by the window in the bedroom and I waited and I watched the cars go by one by one until it got dark and there were no more cars… But I still wouldn’t give up… and that’s how I fell asleep…waiting by the window…