FicWad

I sat there as still as I could for what seemed to be hours but I'm sure it wasn’t that long. Suddenly Eddie kinda coughed and I heard Bobby call my name as he came towards us.

“You okay?” He says and I jumped up out of the truck and just fell into his arms. I couldn’t even say anything, I was just that far numbed. I pushed my face against his chest and just hugged him tightly. I felt so safe in his arms. I always had.

“Yeah.” I sighed. He reached up to brush the hair from my face and for a brief moment I felt this flutter in my heart for him as his hand caressed my face…But I just couldn’t… I deliberately turned my face from his hand. That’s what Gerard would do… It wasn’t right…I couldn’t let Bobby touch me like that. I couldn’t let him in… When Gerard died I had built this wall around my heart. It was just too painful to be any other way.

Bob sensed my resistance but he didn’t say anything. He never did… He’d act like he didn’t notice. We’d get close and I’d shut down… It was no different today. Instead of pushing me to respond to him, he pushed his attention back to Eddie. He went to say something to him but the sounds of approaching sirens drowned him out.

“Fuck!” Eddie cried out flicking his cigarette to the floor and darting back into the bar. I went to follow him and Bob yanked me back.

“Whoa!” He cried out and I widened my eyes at him.

“My dad’s in there.” I said desperately. I mean we were across the street sort of and the cops were coming. I don't know what I thought I was gonna do, but I felt this overwhelming compulsion to do something.

“He’ll be okay.” Bob sorta tugged me back just as a patrol car came speeding up. I don't know who called them, but this fear took me over as the one cop jumped out and immediately pulled his gun from his belt as he got out. I felt this rush of conflicting emotions take me over. I mean aren’t the cops the good guys? Aren’t you supposed to be happy when they show up? Yes? No? Maybe? I don't even know anymore… Cause then that would make Nicky the bad guy…but he's not. He's not the bad guy! He was just protecting me…

“Bobby-” I started to say and he shushed me as he pulled me back, trying not to look too conspicuous, but I don't know. We couldn’t just leave cause the cop car was blocking us in, and he wasn’t about to go over and ask them to move… Nor was he gonna let me do it...

“Lets go.” He sorta whispered pulling me against him and down the block slightly. There was a sleazy assed motel halfway up the road and he dragged me in the door with him just as the block converged with police cars and EMT’s. It was just this surge of chaos all of a sudden, well in my mind at least and I started to tremble once more. Bob pulled me a little tighter against him and I cowered under his arm, burying my face into his side as he talked to the clerk at the counter... You would think the guy might have given him a hard time. I mean seeing as how I was dressed. Or at least he could’ve pretended to be a little concerned seeing as I was trembling in fear, but he didn’t even give us a second look. Just let Bobby check in as Mr. and Mrs. Smith, and then he asked if he wanted the hourly rate or the nightly one…

I don't know what Bobby said, I couldn’t really hear. I mean I could hear but it was all so hollow. You could hear the faint sirens outside and I was focusing in on them. I found myself wondering if I’d be able to hear a gunshot from this far away… Next thing I knew we were going into this horrible looking room. Bob sorta pushed me towards the bed as he went over to the window but I followed him and quickly latched back on to him.

“Fuck.” He mumbled as he shut the blinds. I don't know what was going on out there but he didn’t want me to see.

“What happened?” I asked him softly and he shook his head a little.

“I was gonna ask you that.” He says and I started to sniffle.

“He's dead?” I whispered and Bob shrugged.

“I really don't know.” He replied and I lowered my eyes down.

“Nicky is going back to jail?” I asked cautiously and Bob shifted back to the window slightly and peeked out once more.

”I’d say yeah.” He sighed and I started to cry.

“It’s my fault Bobby.” I tell him and he shook his head in disagreement. “No it is, everything that’s happened its cause of me.” I sobbed.

“Elle, no. Listen to me.” He says lowering his voice down to that serious tone Gerard use to use on me… The one that would make me pause for a moment. “What happened with Nicky was cause of Nicky – you understand?” He says and I nodded even though I didn’t… He could tell too. He always could see right through me. “Come here.” He says even though I was already in his arms. He lifted me up off the floor like he always does, like I was his little toy doll. And usually I’d whine and he’d laugh, but this time I just let him. I was so shaken still. He went to lay me down on the bed and I wouldn’t let go. I gripped his arm desperately. I was starting to panic at the thought of being alone.

“Don't let go.” I heard myself whisper as I pulled him down on top of me. I guess he could hear the panic in my voice cause he kinda shushed me.

“It’s alright honey.” He sighed as he shifted his arms around me. He settled himself down on top of me. We laid still like that for what seemed like a long time. The red and blue lights from the activity outside flickered and seemed to dance around the room since the blinds were barely covering the window... Slowly the lights faded as they drove off one by one and eventually so did my trembling… My breathing soon evened out, but my heart, my heart was still aching…

“Bobby.” I whispered in the dark. Well it wasn’t that dark, the light from the neon sign outside was giving the room a faint green glow…

“What is it?” He replied and I didn’t know what to say back. I don't know why I called his name. I didn’t have anything to say… He lifted himself up slightly off of me and looked at my eyes and I just stared blankly back… “Hmm?” He says as he pushed the hair from my face. His hand ran down my cheek but I didn’t turn away this time.

I was going to… I was going to tell him I didn’t know why I called him but as he stroked my cheek with his hand I suddenly knew why… I may not have meant to call him, but a deep part of my soul did. It was crying out for him and I couldn’t silence it anymore...