Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > The Beginning Is Never The End
Weeks had passed and not much had really changed. Lia and Ray were still dating if that’s what you called it. And Gerard was still sort of ignoring me. I couldn’t really understand why. He had told me that was the reason why he never made a move on me but apparently that’s not true. I made it perfectly clear to him, on many occasions, that Paul and I were through.
I tried everything I could think of to get Gerard’s attention. To get him to make a move. I started dressing up for school, wearing the kind of clothes I knew he liked to see me in.. I went out and bought a bottle of perfume that I didn’t particularly like, but I knew he did because he gave it to me on my 20th birthday. But it didn’t seem to matter. The more I tried the less interested he seemed in asking me out. I tried not to speak with him too much. It was too hard and I was too scared I was going to slip up and blurt something out I shouldn’t have. So our conversations were limited. Wed exchange a few words and it would always end the same way. Me telling him thank you before he walked away. Part of me believed that deep in his soul he knew when I would whisper it to him, thank you, that I meant love you, but I couldn’t be sure.
I couldn’t cope with it all. I found myself doing more and more drugs just to get through the day. My routine was bland. I would go to school and come home and sleep. Twice a week I would go to Lias house to hang out with them. Them included Bob now. And needless to say it was dangerous for me to be around Bob.
It was strange cause all the trouble I seemed to be having connecting with Gerard wasn’t there with Bobby. He just got me. And I got him. But I was vigilant in keeping him at a distance. As often as I made it clear to Gerard that I was available, I made it clear to Bobby that I wasn’t, at least not to him…
I wish I could have spent more time with them but I couldn’t. It wasn’t part of the plan. The plan was to lay low and wait. Gerard and I became close after my papa died the week of thanksgiving. This was the week of Halloween. I didn’t have much more time left with my papa either so I was trying to make each day count.
I would take him to book club on Sunday, like I always had, but now on Saturday nights we would have our own private book club. Which basically consisted of my papa in his chair, stammering as he read to me Crime And Punishment or some other dreadful piece out loud. I just loved it. These are the moments that make your life count. This is what was really important in life. Spending it with the ones you love…
I didn’t dare ask Papa about my dad. I wanted to and I was going to but I was stalling. Things were just so good between me and Papa and I wasn’t sure what would happen if I confronted him about Nicky Walker so I didn’t. I wasn’t 18 yet. My birthday was in a few days so I figured Id wait till after it and then bring it up. It would be more appropriate then anyways.
Lia couldn’t understand what the hell I was doing. She would give me shit constantly. Not about being with Papa, but she suspected I was up to something, hiding something or someone from her on those nights I wouldn’t come hang with her. And I wasn’t! I mean I was hiding something from her. My notes, which now spilled out into 3 different notebooks and assorted sheets of paper crammed into them.
But I stopped answering the phone on those nights I stayed in, it was just easier that way. So she assumed I went out. She had no idea what I was doing. Hiding out in my room with the light on low so you couldn’t see it from the street. Doing lines of coke as I scribbled obsessively in the faint light. Some nights I would just cry and cry and cry. Other nights I would laugh at the absurdity of it all. I never dared pray. Pray for what? I got what I prayed for already. Another chance…
It was Wednesday afternoon now. Lia insisted I come over. The guys weren’t going to be there since it was her home schooling lesson night. She said she wanted to talk to me about Halloween and my birthday, which was the night before Halloween, so I went.
I wasn’t quite sure what to do about Halloween. I mean I remembered how I spent it last time around and that definitely wasn’t happening again. And even after all those years I never really did get a straight answer from any of them of what happened that night at Lias house. I was curious to be involved but also terrified of changing shit and fucking up the future. Curiosity did kill the cat after all…
So here we were sitting in her room, passing her pipe back and forth between us awaiting Miss Emilys arrival. Miss Emily was a very sweet elderly woman Lias parents had found in the newspaper. She was Lia’s third tutor now and I knew she wasn’t going to be the last. Lia seemed to know it too.
She was telling me about how Miss Emily caught Ray there a few days ago. Called up her mom who freaked. I just shrugged and told her eh what are you gonna do about it, cause really what could she do. Crap like that didn’t really seem to matter to me anymore. Lia seemed to have her priorities all fucked up anyway.
“Oh Ill tell ya what Im gonna do.” Lia giggled and pulled out a pair of diamond earrings from her drawer. They were her moms.
“Oh god Lia please don’t set this woman up.” I moaned and she just continued to laugh. There was not going to be anything I could say to discourage her. To make her realize how immature she was being so I didn’t even bother. Just watched her as she loosened the stitches on Teddy and hid them inside him.
“I always knew that Miss Emily was up to no good.” She snickered to herself. “I think I even saw her on a wanted poster at the post office.” She feigned shock. I guess rehearsing her speech for her mom later…
“Lia seriously that’s not funny okay” I try to tell her and she shrugged. “Seriously all those people on those wanted posters are real people.“ I began to babble on. I was so freaking stoned I wasn’t even making any sense. I knew what I wanted to say but couldn’t find the words. “I mean theyre somebodys family, don’t talk shit about them.” I started to get flustered thinking about it. I bet Nicky was on one of those somewhere.
“Elle.” Lia started to laugh and then the doorbell rang scaring the shit out of both of us. It was too early for Miss Emily. Plus even once she got there it took her 20 minutes to climb the steps.. Lia looked out the window and frowned. I peeked out to see what she was frowning at... Fuck. It was Frankie.
"Did you invite him here?" she asked me and I shook my head no. "Fuck- hes gotta get out of here before Miss Emily calls my mom again.“ Lia cried out as she darted out the door. I guess it would ruin her plan of setting Miss Emily up tonight if she did. Lia was a crafty one. She allowed just enough time to show her mom her supposed good faith effort in respecting Miss Emily before she was gonna sell her out. If Miss Emily got her in trouble again and then Lia pulls out her claim of sticky fingers her mom would never buy it
I waited up in her room. I was too stoned to go down and see what was happening. I could faintly hear Lia arguing with Frankie downstairs. "Toro is not here and you have to leave. No don't Frankie---eeeeeeh" she squealed as he pushed past her and came darting up the stairs into her room. Just then Miss Emily’s car appeared in the driveway.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck " Lia muttered as she paced by the window in her room. There was no way to get Frankie out with out her seeing him… And if she saw him she’d tell Lia’s mom and Lia would be screwed…. She looked at directly in my eyes. "Keep him in here Elle. And keep him fucking quiet!" She tells me and I shrugged. "I mean it Elle. Stick him in the fucking closet if you have to..." She said her voice trailing off as she ran down the stairs.
“The closet? Jesus Christ Lia its Frankie Iero- not fucking ET.” I called out after her and Frankie smiled. It was a weird kind of déjà vu moment. I remember this happening but not like this… “Get in the closet.” I tell him and he laughed. He went over and sat innocently on Lia’s daybed .But I knew Frankie. There was nothing innocent about him… He had his arms outstretched on the frame. Then something caught his eye. The pipe Lia and I were smoking was still out on the nightstand.
"Do you mind?" he asked picking it up. I just shrugged. I didn’t really care and maybe it would keep him quiet. Soon the room was full of smoke again.
Lia comes barging in. She looked pretty stressed. "God damn fucking General McArthur..." she mutters to herself pacing the floor… "Sign the treaty, don’t sign the treaty I don’t give a fuck..." She mumbled to herself as she took another hit from the pipe and walked back out.
This carried on forever… I mean Lia kept making excuses to come upstairs. Pretty soon Frankie was wired. He started tossing around Lia’s stuffed animals and making all sorts of noises. I just sat at her vanity table brushing my hair silently. I couldn’t talk to Frankie. It was too dangerous… I was up to 869 strokes when Lia came back in. "God damn it Elle keep it down. I had to tell Miss Emily shes got her hearing aid set to super sonic or something cause I don’t hear shit." She hisses at me and I sorta laughed.
“What?” I scrunched my face at her.
“I fucking convinced her shes picking up a crossed signal or something in it.” She muttered and I looked over at Frankie for a second. He wasn’t listening to her cause making a bear attack her cabbage patch kid. A bear? Wait a minute… Lia didn't have any bears except for... Holy shit it was Teddy.
I suddenly could not speak. My mouth was open but nothing came out. I pointed over to Frankie. Lia looked. She grabbed my arm.
"Ok don't panic.." she whispered " You just distract him and I'll grab Ted." She tells me.
"Distract him how?" I whispered back. Frankie saw us whispering and stopped holding teddy mid-air.
"I don’t know…take your fucking top off-" Lia said nudging my arm. I felt the blood drain from my face. I remember this… Not this but this… How could this be happening again? I mean is it just the way people are? That they behave the same way no matter the surrounding circumstances? Cause if that’s true my whole plan is fucked…
"Frankie" Lia called out her voice cracking from all the stress. " Uh you have to leave, Elle needs to change her clothes..." She says to him. Frankie lowered his arm and looked at us. He knew we were up to something but he didn't know what. He tossed Teddy to the floor and folded his arms defiantly.
"I'm not going anywhere." He proclaimed. Thank God! Teddy was safe… for now.... Lia walked towards the bed and casually kicked Teddy under it.
“Whatever.” She tells him and then she headed out the door and back downstairs.
Frankie continued on "If you have to change then I'll have to watch Elle." He says grinning at me.
"Just forget it " I sigh picking back up my hairbrush my head spinning now.
"So you're a liar." he teased and I sorta smiled at him.
“Ok no you know what?” I went over and sat on the bed with him. “were gonna do something else.” I tell him an idea popping into my mind. “But you gotta be quiet ok?” and he shook his head no. “Seriously Frankie, I want to play a game.” I pouted at him and he grinned at me.
“Elle the only kinda game we can play in that Ill be quiet is one where clothes are going to come off.” He continued to grin and I couldn’t help but smile back.
“Ok fine.” I hear myself telling him. This was a stupid idea but I was so freaking stoned it was like all my common sense had just went out the window with the last cloud of smoke.
I told him we were going to play psychic strip twenty questions. That it was a good way for us to get to know each other. That for each answer we got wrong, we would have to take off a piece of clothes, so that way you were learning something about the other person one way or another.
I figured it would be easy. I knew everything about Frankie, or atleast enough to keep me mostly dressed. Frankie knew nothing about me and it would be a nice little payback for the night of the fire. When he got to see me but I didn’t get to see him. I knew karma would approve of this. It was fair…
I would ask Frankie a question outloud and have him write his answer down so he couldn’t cheat. Stupid crap. What was the name of his first guitar. What was his favorite video game. What did he want to be when he grew up. Shit I knew the answer too. Question after question I asked him I was right. Question after question he asked me he was wrong. He couldn’t figure out how the fuck I knew all this shit either. I insisted I was psychic and he was wavering on whether or not he believed me. He was down to his boxers now.
“Only one question remains.” I smiled at him and he smiled back but it wasn’t his normal goofy smile. It was more of a flirtatious one.
“No two.” He dropped his voice down and leant towards me on the bed. “What are we gonna do when my shorts come off.” He started to like climb on top of me and I panicked. Oh fuck this was a bad idea.
Frankie must’ve thought I was trying to seduce him, getting him to strip like that cause he was sliding them off now as I scrambled to move back on the bed and away from him. I wasn’t sure what to say, how to fix this, but I didn’t have to because in that instant Lia flung open the door. Took one look and started screaming at us.
“WHORE!!!" she screamed as she stepped into the room. Frankie jumped off the bed away from me. "What the hell are you doing?" she screamed at us. Well, mostly at me…\
"We were playing a game.” I tried to explain but she was just shaking her head at me in disgust.
"What kind of game Elle!" She cries out and I just stared at her. ”You wanna play a game! Chutes and ladders, that’s a game.“ She shrieked. “Hungry Hungry Hippos.“ She waved her hands around in the air and I tried not to laugh. “Fucking Fucking Frankie is not a game!” She waved her finger at me and I felt my heart drop. Oh fuck what did I do? Gerard warned me about that. He was pissed at me about it actually and here I am doing it all over again. Yeah it wasn’t exactly the same but the end result was.
“Im sorry Lia.” I mumbled but she ignored me. She had turned her attention to Frankie now. Told him to get his naked ass out of her house, practically shoved him out the door. I waited till I was sure he was long gone before heading home myself, dreading going to school tomorrow and having to face the music.
I tried everything I could think of to get Gerard’s attention. To get him to make a move. I started dressing up for school, wearing the kind of clothes I knew he liked to see me in.. I went out and bought a bottle of perfume that I didn’t particularly like, but I knew he did because he gave it to me on my 20th birthday. But it didn’t seem to matter. The more I tried the less interested he seemed in asking me out. I tried not to speak with him too much. It was too hard and I was too scared I was going to slip up and blurt something out I shouldn’t have. So our conversations were limited. Wed exchange a few words and it would always end the same way. Me telling him thank you before he walked away. Part of me believed that deep in his soul he knew when I would whisper it to him, thank you, that I meant love you, but I couldn’t be sure.
I couldn’t cope with it all. I found myself doing more and more drugs just to get through the day. My routine was bland. I would go to school and come home and sleep. Twice a week I would go to Lias house to hang out with them. Them included Bob now. And needless to say it was dangerous for me to be around Bob.
It was strange cause all the trouble I seemed to be having connecting with Gerard wasn’t there with Bobby. He just got me. And I got him. But I was vigilant in keeping him at a distance. As often as I made it clear to Gerard that I was available, I made it clear to Bobby that I wasn’t, at least not to him…
I wish I could have spent more time with them but I couldn’t. It wasn’t part of the plan. The plan was to lay low and wait. Gerard and I became close after my papa died the week of thanksgiving. This was the week of Halloween. I didn’t have much more time left with my papa either so I was trying to make each day count.
I would take him to book club on Sunday, like I always had, but now on Saturday nights we would have our own private book club. Which basically consisted of my papa in his chair, stammering as he read to me Crime And Punishment or some other dreadful piece out loud. I just loved it. These are the moments that make your life count. This is what was really important in life. Spending it with the ones you love…
I didn’t dare ask Papa about my dad. I wanted to and I was going to but I was stalling. Things were just so good between me and Papa and I wasn’t sure what would happen if I confronted him about Nicky Walker so I didn’t. I wasn’t 18 yet. My birthday was in a few days so I figured Id wait till after it and then bring it up. It would be more appropriate then anyways.
Lia couldn’t understand what the hell I was doing. She would give me shit constantly. Not about being with Papa, but she suspected I was up to something, hiding something or someone from her on those nights I wouldn’t come hang with her. And I wasn’t! I mean I was hiding something from her. My notes, which now spilled out into 3 different notebooks and assorted sheets of paper crammed into them.
But I stopped answering the phone on those nights I stayed in, it was just easier that way. So she assumed I went out. She had no idea what I was doing. Hiding out in my room with the light on low so you couldn’t see it from the street. Doing lines of coke as I scribbled obsessively in the faint light. Some nights I would just cry and cry and cry. Other nights I would laugh at the absurdity of it all. I never dared pray. Pray for what? I got what I prayed for already. Another chance…
It was Wednesday afternoon now. Lia insisted I come over. The guys weren’t going to be there since it was her home schooling lesson night. She said she wanted to talk to me about Halloween and my birthday, which was the night before Halloween, so I went.
I wasn’t quite sure what to do about Halloween. I mean I remembered how I spent it last time around and that definitely wasn’t happening again. And even after all those years I never really did get a straight answer from any of them of what happened that night at Lias house. I was curious to be involved but also terrified of changing shit and fucking up the future. Curiosity did kill the cat after all…
So here we were sitting in her room, passing her pipe back and forth between us awaiting Miss Emilys arrival. Miss Emily was a very sweet elderly woman Lias parents had found in the newspaper. She was Lia’s third tutor now and I knew she wasn’t going to be the last. Lia seemed to know it too.
She was telling me about how Miss Emily caught Ray there a few days ago. Called up her mom who freaked. I just shrugged and told her eh what are you gonna do about it, cause really what could she do. Crap like that didn’t really seem to matter to me anymore. Lia seemed to have her priorities all fucked up anyway.
“Oh Ill tell ya what Im gonna do.” Lia giggled and pulled out a pair of diamond earrings from her drawer. They were her moms.
“Oh god Lia please don’t set this woman up.” I moaned and she just continued to laugh. There was not going to be anything I could say to discourage her. To make her realize how immature she was being so I didn’t even bother. Just watched her as she loosened the stitches on Teddy and hid them inside him.
“I always knew that Miss Emily was up to no good.” She snickered to herself. “I think I even saw her on a wanted poster at the post office.” She feigned shock. I guess rehearsing her speech for her mom later…
“Lia seriously that’s not funny okay” I try to tell her and she shrugged. “Seriously all those people on those wanted posters are real people.“ I began to babble on. I was so freaking stoned I wasn’t even making any sense. I knew what I wanted to say but couldn’t find the words. “I mean theyre somebodys family, don’t talk shit about them.” I started to get flustered thinking about it. I bet Nicky was on one of those somewhere.
“Elle.” Lia started to laugh and then the doorbell rang scaring the shit out of both of us. It was too early for Miss Emily. Plus even once she got there it took her 20 minutes to climb the steps.. Lia looked out the window and frowned. I peeked out to see what she was frowning at... Fuck. It was Frankie.
"Did you invite him here?" she asked me and I shook my head no. "Fuck- hes gotta get out of here before Miss Emily calls my mom again.“ Lia cried out as she darted out the door. I guess it would ruin her plan of setting Miss Emily up tonight if she did. Lia was a crafty one. She allowed just enough time to show her mom her supposed good faith effort in respecting Miss Emily before she was gonna sell her out. If Miss Emily got her in trouble again and then Lia pulls out her claim of sticky fingers her mom would never buy it
I waited up in her room. I was too stoned to go down and see what was happening. I could faintly hear Lia arguing with Frankie downstairs. "Toro is not here and you have to leave. No don't Frankie---eeeeeeh" she squealed as he pushed past her and came darting up the stairs into her room. Just then Miss Emily’s car appeared in the driveway.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck " Lia muttered as she paced by the window in her room. There was no way to get Frankie out with out her seeing him… And if she saw him she’d tell Lia’s mom and Lia would be screwed…. She looked at directly in my eyes. "Keep him in here Elle. And keep him fucking quiet!" She tells me and I shrugged. "I mean it Elle. Stick him in the fucking closet if you have to..." She said her voice trailing off as she ran down the stairs.
“The closet? Jesus Christ Lia its Frankie Iero- not fucking ET.” I called out after her and Frankie smiled. It was a weird kind of déjà vu moment. I remember this happening but not like this… “Get in the closet.” I tell him and he laughed. He went over and sat innocently on Lia’s daybed .But I knew Frankie. There was nothing innocent about him… He had his arms outstretched on the frame. Then something caught his eye. The pipe Lia and I were smoking was still out on the nightstand.
"Do you mind?" he asked picking it up. I just shrugged. I didn’t really care and maybe it would keep him quiet. Soon the room was full of smoke again.
Lia comes barging in. She looked pretty stressed. "God damn fucking General McArthur..." she mutters to herself pacing the floor… "Sign the treaty, don’t sign the treaty I don’t give a fuck..." She mumbled to herself as she took another hit from the pipe and walked back out.
This carried on forever… I mean Lia kept making excuses to come upstairs. Pretty soon Frankie was wired. He started tossing around Lia’s stuffed animals and making all sorts of noises. I just sat at her vanity table brushing my hair silently. I couldn’t talk to Frankie. It was too dangerous… I was up to 869 strokes when Lia came back in. "God damn it Elle keep it down. I had to tell Miss Emily shes got her hearing aid set to super sonic or something cause I don’t hear shit." She hisses at me and I sorta laughed.
“What?” I scrunched my face at her.
“I fucking convinced her shes picking up a crossed signal or something in it.” She muttered and I looked over at Frankie for a second. He wasn’t listening to her cause making a bear attack her cabbage patch kid. A bear? Wait a minute… Lia didn't have any bears except for... Holy shit it was Teddy.
I suddenly could not speak. My mouth was open but nothing came out. I pointed over to Frankie. Lia looked. She grabbed my arm.
"Ok don't panic.." she whispered " You just distract him and I'll grab Ted." She tells me.
"Distract him how?" I whispered back. Frankie saw us whispering and stopped holding teddy mid-air.
"I don’t know…take your fucking top off-" Lia said nudging my arm. I felt the blood drain from my face. I remember this… Not this but this… How could this be happening again? I mean is it just the way people are? That they behave the same way no matter the surrounding circumstances? Cause if that’s true my whole plan is fucked…
"Frankie" Lia called out her voice cracking from all the stress. " Uh you have to leave, Elle needs to change her clothes..." She says to him. Frankie lowered his arm and looked at us. He knew we were up to something but he didn't know what. He tossed Teddy to the floor and folded his arms defiantly.
"I'm not going anywhere." He proclaimed. Thank God! Teddy was safe… for now.... Lia walked towards the bed and casually kicked Teddy under it.
“Whatever.” She tells him and then she headed out the door and back downstairs.
Frankie continued on "If you have to change then I'll have to watch Elle." He says grinning at me.
"Just forget it " I sigh picking back up my hairbrush my head spinning now.
"So you're a liar." he teased and I sorta smiled at him.
“Ok no you know what?” I went over and sat on the bed with him. “were gonna do something else.” I tell him an idea popping into my mind. “But you gotta be quiet ok?” and he shook his head no. “Seriously Frankie, I want to play a game.” I pouted at him and he grinned at me.
“Elle the only kinda game we can play in that Ill be quiet is one where clothes are going to come off.” He continued to grin and I couldn’t help but smile back.
“Ok fine.” I hear myself telling him. This was a stupid idea but I was so freaking stoned it was like all my common sense had just went out the window with the last cloud of smoke.
I told him we were going to play psychic strip twenty questions. That it was a good way for us to get to know each other. That for each answer we got wrong, we would have to take off a piece of clothes, so that way you were learning something about the other person one way or another.
I figured it would be easy. I knew everything about Frankie, or atleast enough to keep me mostly dressed. Frankie knew nothing about me and it would be a nice little payback for the night of the fire. When he got to see me but I didn’t get to see him. I knew karma would approve of this. It was fair…
I would ask Frankie a question outloud and have him write his answer down so he couldn’t cheat. Stupid crap. What was the name of his first guitar. What was his favorite video game. What did he want to be when he grew up. Shit I knew the answer too. Question after question I asked him I was right. Question after question he asked me he was wrong. He couldn’t figure out how the fuck I knew all this shit either. I insisted I was psychic and he was wavering on whether or not he believed me. He was down to his boxers now.
“Only one question remains.” I smiled at him and he smiled back but it wasn’t his normal goofy smile. It was more of a flirtatious one.
“No two.” He dropped his voice down and leant towards me on the bed. “What are we gonna do when my shorts come off.” He started to like climb on top of me and I panicked. Oh fuck this was a bad idea.
Frankie must’ve thought I was trying to seduce him, getting him to strip like that cause he was sliding them off now as I scrambled to move back on the bed and away from him. I wasn’t sure what to say, how to fix this, but I didn’t have to because in that instant Lia flung open the door. Took one look and started screaming at us.
“WHORE!!!" she screamed as she stepped into the room. Frankie jumped off the bed away from me. "What the hell are you doing?" she screamed at us. Well, mostly at me…\
"We were playing a game.” I tried to explain but she was just shaking her head at me in disgust.
"What kind of game Elle!" She cries out and I just stared at her. ”You wanna play a game! Chutes and ladders, that’s a game.“ She shrieked. “Hungry Hungry Hippos.“ She waved her hands around in the air and I tried not to laugh. “Fucking Fucking Frankie is not a game!” She waved her finger at me and I felt my heart drop. Oh fuck what did I do? Gerard warned me about that. He was pissed at me about it actually and here I am doing it all over again. Yeah it wasn’t exactly the same but the end result was.
“Im sorry Lia.” I mumbled but she ignored me. She had turned her attention to Frankie now. Told him to get his naked ass out of her house, practically shoved him out the door. I waited till I was sure he was long gone before heading home myself, dreading going to school tomorrow and having to face the music.
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