FicWad

“Elle, you want me to go?” Will asked gently once we were back inside.

“No.” I sighed in defeat, stretching the word a little. Gerard was gone. He took off so fast into the dark night. I wasn’t even sure where he went. Maybe back to Lias house, maybe not… It didn’t matter. I couldn’t chase him around on my crutches even if it was light out. “Its not gonna fix anything anyways.” I rubbed the tears remaining in my eyes away and Will placed his hands on my shoulders now.

“I hate to see you cry.” He tells me and I gave him a faint smile.

“Yeah.” I mumbled not really believing him. He hated it so much I know. But not enough to stop him from waving that damn gun around that night. Its funny the lies people tell themselves.

I shuffled over and grabbed my cigarettes from the table. I offered one to Will but he declined. Actually he scolded me for smoking. Something about desecrating my body with toxins, like it was a sacrilege.

“You don’t really believe all that do you?” I asked him as we sat back down on the couch. I sat sort of far from him. Holding my cigarette in the opposite hand away from him politely as to not have the smoke rise in his face.

“Well I was brought up that way.” He shrugged.

“Yeah but you have to decide for yourself what your faith is.” I tell him and he stared off across for the room for a moment.

“Well, what’s yours?” He said softly looking over at the picture of my and my papa on the wall.

“I don’t know anymore..” I sighed softly and it was true. I didn’t know what I believed. I use to believe that you couldn’t change fate, just had to trust in your destiny, but lately that’s what Ive been doing… and losing so what does that say… “Will are the meds helping you?” I just cut right to it and he looked back at me a little surprised.

“What?” He wasn’t answering.

“I mean you got them for a reason no?” I tell him taking a drag from my cigarette as I spoke.

“Um no.” He shifted back on the couch now. And it wasn’t cause of the smoke. He was just uncomfortable I suppose.

“Well okay, I mean where did you get them?” I asked trying to find an opening to talk some sense into him.

“New Mexico.” He replied plainly. Okay that was a start. I nodded for him to keep going. “There was um, an accident.” He says and I scrunched my face in concern. “I kinda fell off a ladder at the ranch and got a concussion.” He tells me and I frowned.

“A concussion?” I repeated back a little confused. Im no med student but I know a concussion wont cause schizophrenia.

“Yeah no I’m fine.” Will tried to shrug it off. “They just kept me in the hospital for a bit.” he added and I nodded. I knew about that all to well. Their procedures and shit. They don’t have to release you…

“Damn, your parents must’ve hated that.” I tell him knowingly and he nodded.

“Yeah well they didn’t get a choice.” He shrugged as I reached over mashing my cigarette into the ashtray now.

“How long were you there?” I asked him and he shifted his eyes around the room.

“Not to long.” He was being vague and I didn’t really want to push him, but there was something he wasn’t saying. It was all over his face.

“and?” I encouraged him softly.

“and there was this one lady there that um she didn’t really think I fell.” He sorta mumbled and I frowned debating his words in my head.

“Mmm well did you?” I asked and he nodded.

“Yeah… I fell but um…” Will cleared his throat and I was still so confused.

“You fell off a ladder or something?” I try to get him to clarify and he wouldn’t look at me.

“Out a window.” He finally says and my heart clenched up. Will didn’t fall out a window… He jumped.

“Oh Will.” I sighed sliding over closer to him on the couch. I reached up and wrapped my arms around him, hugging him tightly.

“I just couldn’t take it anymore.” He says his voice shaking now as he buried his face into my shoulder.

“I know.” Was the only thing I could say back. I knew all to well what that feels like. And I knew there was nothing I could say to make it better. So I gave him a kiss on the cheek and he smiled faintly, so I did it again. He then turned his face to me. Almost like was going to kiss me and I tensed up in panic. What the fuck was I doing?

I quickly pulled back shifting in my seat slightly. I spotted the pack of cigarettes on the table and hastily grabbed another one and lit it up. That would keep him at a safe distance from me for now at least. I took a deep inhale of it to steady myself back.

“So the hospital gave you some pills?” I tried to bring the conversation back around.

“Yeah the woman did.” Will kinda shrugged as he looked me over. I guess he was a little confused by my on off behavior. “She um said to see if it quieted things down in my head.” He added and I nodded.

“And did it?” I asked eagerly.

“Well yeah but-” Will started to say and I cut him off.

“But nothing.” I waved my cigarette at him. “You keep taking them.” I tell him firmly and he sorta pressed his lips together as he looked at me.

“Its wrong.” He finally says and I frowned in disagreement.

“No its wrong to not take them- faith or no faith you take them.” I order him once more.

“I dunno.” He stretched his arms over his head as he said it. Resting them along the back of the couch now.

“Well whats the other alternatives?” I try to point out to him and he paused a second thinking about it before he answered me.

“Redemption.” He says plainly.

“Huh?” I made a face at him and he reached over and pulled me back against the couch, so he sort of had his arm around me.

“You remember the night in the woods?” He says softly and I hesitated. The night in the woods? It hasn’t happened yet…

“What?” I whispered the memories flooding my mind now.

“You remember, when we…” His voice trailed off and I suddenly realized what he was talking about. When we slept together. Although I wouldn’t really call it that. We were kids. It wasn’t really sex. Not to me at least. It was more like sloppy making out that went to far. I wasn’t a virgin, but Will was. The whole thing lasted maybe 45 seconds…

“Um yeah.” I reached forward and mashed my cigarette out once more. I was no where near done with it, I just couldn’t focus enough to smoke.

“It was wrong.” Will lowered his voice down and I nodded but probably not for the same reasons as him.

“Well we were kids.” I try to justify it.

“And now I’m a man.” He says staring off into the distance once more.

“And?’ I ask him not sure where he’s going with that.

“And my parents have plans for me.” He says running his hands through his hair as he spoke. “Its my responsibility to-” he begins to say and I cut him off.

“No its your responsibility to take care of yourself. Nothing more.” I tell him forcefully. Fuck his parents and their plans. I know what their plans are for him. To serve the church group. Marry a virgin and have as many kids as he can. To populate the world and snuff out evil doers. Fucking religious fanatics they were… Will just looked at me like he could hear what I was saying but wasn’t sure if I was right. “No, you trust me Will.” I took his hand in mine and squeezed it tightly.

“Eh, It doesn’t matter.” He sighed. “Im going back to New Mexico next week anyway.” He announced yawning.

“Well, Im sure they have pharmacies in New Mexico.” I tell him smiling a bit and he faintly smiled back.

“Naw you know how it is there.“ He reminds me. “I couldn’t, they wont let me.” He shrugged it off and I frowned. He was right. The ranch in New Mexico was pretty damn isolated. Only church members were allowed in and to get out was even harder. There was no way he could sneak out with out getting caught.

“Well then you bring them with you.” I nodded confidently. That’s what we would do. Get him some here, enough to last him a couple of months, and then I don’t know… do it again I suppose…

“You know there’s a girl there.” Will tells me sort of changing the subject a little.

“You have a girl in New Mexico?” I laughed swatting his arm. “You didn’t tell me!” I gushed at him.

“Never met her.” He sorta smiled and I scrunched my face once more in confusion. “The um minister thinks wed be a good fit though.” He cleared his throat once more and I felt my anger rising once more at the whole situation. They really did expect Will to marry this girl. This must be why he snapped…

“Will.” I sighed shifting my eyes slightly. This was so far beyond my capabilities now. I don’t know what made me think I could help him. I don’t know why I thought I could play shrink. My mind suddenly filled with an image of the old Charlie Brown cartoon. Lucy in that cardboard stand. Psychiatric help 5 cents, the doctor is in…

“How am I suppose to marry her. I mean at least if it was you- then maybe” I hear Will say and I guess I was still smiling at the image in my head. “So you wanna come back with me?” He smiled back at me and I quickly wiped it from my face.

“Ohhh no.” I continued to shake my head. “Really no. no. no.” I just kept repeating. “ I can help you Will and I will, but no, not like that.” I tell him and he sighed a little in defeat.

“How you gonna help me then?” He asked me and I brought him to the kitchen where I pulled down the yellow pages.

After looking through a zillion pages and finding one with a few clinics Will pointed out he just didn’t have the time… It was Saturday night. He was leaving on Monday morning. Nothing was going to be open on Sunday. And even if I did manage to get him an appointment some where bright and early on Monday, they weren’t just going to hand him a prescription. They’d want to evaluate him a few days before writing one out. And he couldn’t go back to the woman doctor who originally gave it to him. Once he landed in New Mexico some one from the church would pick him up and bring him right back to the ranch…

I told him not to worry about t. That I would figure something out over the next 24 hours. I just wasn’t sure what yet.

The sun was coming up now. We spent all night talking and I didn’t even realize it. He told me he had to get back home, being Sunday, church and all… I promised him Id come by his house Monday before he left. He kissed me on the cheek and told me to get some sleep before he left.

I was too tired to go to my room, so I snuggled up on my papas chair with his blanket once more. I don’t know why I threw out all his stuff last time around. It was so comforting to be close to him like that and I drifted off to sleep quickly…