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Lia was pissed. Beyond pissed actually that I gave Teddy to Will. I tried to explain it the best I could but I don’t think she really understood. We argued a bit and then she huffed off. I didn’t even get to ask her about Gerard and what ‘didn’t’ happen either but oh well. He said nothing happened and it didn’t really matter, I was just so tired of all this juvenile high school drama crap already.

Lia had totally tore my room apart looking for Teddy so I spent a while straightening up. I called Mr Reefer once more and left yet another message. I took a shower, I painted my nails. I vacuumed the hallway. I did anything and everything I could to keep myself busy and try to forget how freaking hungry I was.

Finally the sun set and I found myself flipping through the channels trying to find something to watch until Gerard showed up halfway through the evening news…

“Did you want something to drink?” I pointed over to the half empty vodka bottle on the coffee table. I had no food but alcohol a plenty thanks to my papas liquor cabinet.

“Yeah alright.” Gerard took a swig from the bottle as he took his coat off, he sat down on the couch, I collapsed next to him. “Damn baby how much did you have to drink?” He teased me.

“Aw you called me baby.” I gushed at him and he laughed. “Mmm about this much?” I demonstrated about an inch with my fingers and he raised his eyebrows at me. “Ok maybe this much?” I widened the gap between my finger a little and he laughed as he pulled me into his lap.

“So youre drunk.” He declares and I shook my head no but I was a little.

“Its just cause I didn’t have dinner.” I blurt out. “So it hit me hard.” I try to explain and he sorta made a face.

“You wanna eat now?” He looked towards the kitchen doorway and I shook my head no. I didn’t want to tell him I had no food, or no money either for that matter. I didn’t want him to yell at me, or look at me with that disappointed look. Or worse the your so pathetic one… I hated that one. People have been giving me that one all my life…

“Um no Im okay.” I lied. “I cant really cook like this.” I pointed at my ankle as a lame excuse. “But otherwise Im a great cook.” Damn the lies were just falling from my lips now…

“Oh yeah?” he says believing me.

“Mmhmm” I insisted. “I got lots of skills.” I leant over into his face.

“Yeah I know.” He replied before taking my lips into his.

We started to really get into it on the couch and then out of no where he pulls back from me. “Im gonna order a pizza.” He announces and I laughed.

“What? Why?” I shrieked a little and he shook his head.

“Cause you gotta eat.” He says like it was some kind of law.

“Gerard.” I pouted but it made no difference. He decided I was going to eat- so I was going to eat. I don’t know why I was even complaining. I was hungry, but being with him all I could feel was hunger for him… “I don’t have any money.” I tell him as he got up to get the phone from the kitchen. “No cash, not even a dollar. You can check my pockets” I sang out and he paused in the doorway watching me slide my hands around the back of my jeans teasingly.

“Oh yeah lemme check.” He came back over and tossed me onto the couch, He slid his hands under me squeezing my ass and I giggled. Then he reached over and in one swift motion yanked them down off of me.

“Gerard!” I gasped as he stood over me turning the pockets inside out.

“Yeah you got no money.” He tossed my pants on to the floor. “So I guess its my treat.” He said his voice a little distant as he ran his eyes down my body. He was looking at my underwear. Tiny black panties with yellow stars speckled all over it and on the front was a picture of a cow jumping over a moon.

“ooh they glow.” I told him and he laughed. “The stars they glow in the dark.” I told him a little excited cause they did. “Lia got them for me.” I added and he grinned.

“Yeah I bet.” He said and I laughed a little myself.

“So you want to see?” I sat up to reach for the lamp and he shook his head no.

“No baby after.” He went and ordered the pizza as I stretched out on the couch.

I was cold though with out him, or maybe it was just with out my pants. All I had on was my panties and a flimsy excuse for a tshirt. I had taken off my bra when I was cleaning cause the under wire was poking me.

“Twenty minutes.” Gerard tells me as he came back in. I snuggled back up onto his lap as soon as he sat down.

“Im cold.” I pouted at him and he pulled me tighter in his lap, running his hands up and down my legs as the news played on the TV. We were only partially watching it. Partially making out, and partially waiting for the pizza.

“Mmm better?” He asked after a while and I shrugged as I reached for the vodka taking another large gulp of it. “You want a blanket?” He asked and I saw him looking over at my papas blanket on his chair across the room.

“That’s my papas.” I said softly and he squeezed me a little tighter. “Mmm but theres one on my bed.” I said as I tried to stand up. I should’ve waited till I ate before I drank anymore cause the room spun a little on me.

“Ill get it.” He says and I watched him leave the room.

“Oh wait.” I called out but he was already too far down the hall to hear me so I got up and began to follow him. “Get the one from the top shelf in my closet.” I yelled down to him like it made a difference which blanket he brought.

But I had just made my bed when I cleaned the house before. I didn’t want him messing it up, but I guess that was stupid cause since he was staying all night, the bed was going to get messy now wasn’t it. I laughed to myself as the doorbell rang.

“ooh Ill get it.” I announced to no one since I was alone in the hallway.

I swung the door open and my eyes immediately went to the box in the guys hand. I was so freaking hungry and I could smell it now which just made it worse… “Oh is that my pizza.” I looked at the box adoringly. I heard the guy laugh and I glanced up at him, he was just grinning at me but not moving.

“Can I have it?” I asked after what seemed like an appropriate delay.

“yeah sure.” He continued to grin as he handed me the box.

“oh wait I have no money.” I said apologetically. Gerard had the money.

“Its alright, you have a good night.” The guy winked at me and I scrunched my face a little as he turned and went back down the steps. I shut the door a little confused as Gerard appeared in the hallway with my blanket now.

“Look pizza.” I showed him the box proudly and he frowned.

“Elle did you open the door.” He says like he didn’t believe it.

“Um yeah.” I showed him the box once more and he made a face as he went over to the small window next to the door and peered out it.

“You got no pants on.” He tells me and I made a face. Um yeah, I had no pants on, he took them off me.

“But Gerard look pizza.” I repeat once more. I guess he wasn’t as hungry as I was… “And I didn’t even have to pay for it!” I tell him thinking maybe if he knew the whole story hed be more excited like I was. Not only was it pizza but it was free pizza!

“Yeah cause you got no pants on!” He raised his voice up and I frowned a little. “And you can see through your shirt.” He added as he snatched the box from me.

“You can not.” I laughed a little looking down at it.

“Uh yeah you can.” He snapped back at me and I laughed once more.

“Well why didn’t you say anything before?” I asked him and he smiled a little at me.

“Cause I like looking through your shirt.” He leant over and kissed the tip of my nose lightly. “But I don’t like other motherfuckers doing it.” He added I laughed as he kissed me again.

We brought the pizza back into the living room. Gerard didn’t eat much and I was glad. That would mean I would have leftovers to eat tomorrow. I hated reheating pizza but it was better then starving…

I insisted that I put the pizza away in the fridge since Gerard paid for it. I just didn’t want him to see that it was empty. He thought it was funny seeing as how he didn’t actually pay for it. He was still carrying on about it when I came back in the living room. The bottle of vodka was nearly empty now.

“You just cant go doing that you know.” He tells me and I looked blankly at him.

“Answering the door?” I asked and he gave me a pathetic smile.

“Answering the door with no pants on.” He corrected me and I snatched my pants up off the floor.

“Ok Ill just never take my pants off ever again.” I laughed as I tried to fumble them on quickly with one foot.

“Stop.” He sorta laughed as he tackled me to the floor, trying to wrestle them back from me.

“No you said pants on ALL the time.” I squealed out as he tore them from me, tossing them clear across the room.

They hit the wall and knocked into the pictures my papa had hanging there. One of them crashed down to the floor with the pants “Shit.” Gerard jumped up to go check.

“Is it broken?” I asked and he shook his head no and showed it to me. It was one of my mom and my eyes welled up with tears a little as I watched him brush the glass of gently and rehang it.

“That’s my mom.” I tell him even though I suspected he already knew that.

“Yeah he said softly as he examined the rest of the pictures on the wall.

My papa loved photographs. Black and white ones only, they were all over the house. I went over and pointed out the different people in the different ones to Gerard. Some were obvious, me as a child with my mom or my papa. Some of my papa with the men he use to work with. There was a few with me and Paul hanging too…

“None of your dad huh?” Gerard says softly and I felt myself tense up slightly at his words.

“No.” I exhaled softly and Gerard gave me a soft look. “Im not suppose to know.” I found myself saying. It was the alcohol talking now. “I mean my papa-” I struggled to find the words. “I mean you saw that day.” My voice trailed off. Gerard was here. He knew. He saw my papa freak out about that letter…”Just forget it. I don’t want to do this.” I tell him and he swallowed a little as he looked at me.

“Ok I think maybe I should-.” Gerard started to say as he went over and grabbed his coat off the chair.

“Are you leaving?” I cried out and he frowned.

“Are you kicking me out again?” He replied with the same outraged tone I just used.

“Um no.” I looked at him and he just looked right back at me. “I mean if you want to go-” I shrugged pouting a little. “I just thought you were gonna tuck me in tonight.” I said softly and he smiled.

“Yeah I think I will.” He smiled but he didn’t put his jacket back down…

“Sooo.” I looked at his jacket and he shifted slightly like he was still uncomfortable and I didn’t know why.

“Just wait about your dad.” He said softly and I closed my eyes at his words… My dad… He meant Nicky. Nicky was in jail. It was November 1997 for fucks sake. And then it all crashed down around me. Nicky and Chris and oh god Sammy. I didn’t want to think about this right now. I had time still to figure out what I was going to do about all that still. It was only November… Nothing really happened with that till after New Years.

All I had to do was get through Thanksgiving next week and then in a few weeks it would be Christmas. And my mind froze.

Christmas. Christmas was six weeks away…. In six weeks I was going to be raped and scarred… Six weeks… Six… Six was my lucky number but maybe not anymore.