Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > The Beginning Is Never The End
It was just a light peck on the lips, but it was a kiss no less.
“What the hell!” I cried out squirming back away from her in panic.
“What?” She widened her eyes at me as she reached over and twisted the lamp on.
“You kissed me!” I gasped accusingly at her as the light filled the room.
“So?” She replied and now I was the one widening my eyes.
“So?!” I repeated back to her and she made a face at me like I was crazy, or overreacting or maybe both.
“I’ve kissed you plenty of times.” She points out and I frowned a little as I shifted on the bed next to her.
“But you’re a lesbian.” I tell her and she laughed sharply.
“I am not.” She replied in amusement.
“Um you are.” I repeated once more with certainty.
“Jesus Christ, why would you say that Ellie?” She continued to laugh. “I have a boyfriend.” She added and I nodded my head forcefully.
“I know! That just makes it worse!” I cried out and she was still giving me that look.
“Damn Ellie you’re high.” She finally says and I sighed a little.
“No.” I challenged her but she was right. “Okay, yes… maybe, I don’t know. That’s not the point.” I stammered and she stood up from the bed and went and got her cigarettes from the dresser.
“Okay.” She tried to pacify me as she lit one up.
“No not okay.” I continued to insist. High or not I knew what I was saying. “You’re gonna stand there and say you’re not into girls?” I challenged her.
“Girls guys, What’s the difference?” She shrugged and I widened my eyes at her.
“Um there’s a big difference! You need an anatomy lesson” I cried out and I couldn’t help but giggle as I said it. She started giggling too, which only made my own worse. This was just so ridiculous now. “No but Lia that’s just wrong.” I finally calmed myself down enough to speak and she lowered her eyes a little from me and shifted her weight a little.
“Yeah well, whatever.” She shrugged and I got the feeling I hurt her but I didn’t know how. Maybe she thought I was being disproving of it and I wasn’t…
“No I mean you know I love you.” I told her and she nodded a little. “But I mean I love you like my sister and that would just be wrong.” I pointed out. “Like us would be eww,” I began to babble. I don’t even know what I was going on about I was so fucked up. It was like I knew what I wanted to say, I just wasn’t able to form the words into an actual sentence. “But like you and a random girl would be cool.”
“Well, that’s good to know.” Lia smirked at me in amusement. She was just appeasing me.
“No now, come on Lia.” I patted the bed for her to get back in but she wouldn’t.
“What?” She shrugged and I frowned a little. This wasn’t going well. So many times I wished I would’ve been able to have this conversation with her instead of finding out from Ray that she was hooking up with Crystal and now here we are and Im making a mess of it…
“Just.. forget it.” I shook my head a little dejectedly and Lias eyes suddenly lit up.
“No you know what. It’s a good idea.” I looked up at her as she said it, and I could almost see the evil intentions dancing behind them… “Could you imagine my moms face?” She began to grin and I shook my head quickly. Oh my God this was worse then I thought. I shouldn’t have said anything. I was giving her ideas now…
“Noooo.” I cooed at her but she just continued to grin wider.
“Yes!” She cried out as if she was pleased with herself. “Oooh I can tell her on Christmas morning!” She laughed and I frowned.
“No Lia bad idea.” I tried to insist. “She’ll kick you out.” I added and she shrugged. “God damn it Lia at least wait till after your birthday.” I pleaded with her. “Till after you take your GED exam.” I tried to reason with her.
“I don’t know. Maybe.” She shrugged but I suspect it was just to appease me. Once Lia gets an idea its hard to convince her of anything else. And this idea was my fault. Instead of helping Lia avoid her fate I was fucking steering her into it.
“Yeah and she wont even believe it, you do have a boyfriend remember?” I offered up and she laughed sharply.
“Okay well first of all Ray isn’t gonna be my boyfriend for much longer.” She said his name sharply as if it pissed her off to even think of him, which was sort of a good sign I think… “And anyways, she already suspects it.” She added and I scrunched my face in confusion.
“What? How?” I demanded. Why would her mom think shes a lesbian, or bi-sexual or what ever the hell she was… Certainly not cause of me! I mean yeah Id sleep over a lot but Ive been doing that with her since I was 5.
“Oh you remember Brian’s cousin Crystal?” She tells me and I cleared my throat a little. Lia wasn’t hooking up with Crystal yet was she?
“Um, yeah.” I said cautiously.
“Well I was hanging out with her at the club-” She starts to say and I cut her off.
“Wait you were at the strip club! What the hell for!” I yelled accusingly at her. She wasn’t working at that club yet either! And I was gonna make sure she never did this time around either…
“Uh we were just hanging out, chill out.” She scoffed at me and I settled myself back down into the bed as she went over and fluffed her hair in the mirror on my dresser.
“Fine. Go on.” I encouraged her.
“Okay well, um you know Charlie Perlman.” She gestured her hand in the air and I nodded.
Charlie lived about two houses up from her. He was a real loser. Not like a drugged out stoner loser, but more like a geeky college suck up loser. One time when we were about 12 years old Lia asked him to buy us a pack of cigarettes cause he was 14 and had a bike and we were too lazy to walk up to the 7-11. He not only said no, he told her parents. We hated him.
“Well he and his parents came over last week for dinner and he fucking told my mom he saw me there” She says casually and I gasped a little.
“No!”
“Yeah, he made it sound like I was working there. As if.” She scoffed a little and I bit my lip as I looked at her. Her scoffing was a good sign I think. Maybe she didn’t want to really work there either, but she did it cause… I don’t know. Lia is funny like that… “And my mom was all like what the hell, and Charlie said some crap about if I wasn’t working there maybe I was there to see the girls.” She laughed but I didn’t.
“And what did you say?” I encouraged her to finish the story but she wouldn’t.
“Nothing” She shrugged and I made a face.
“Nothing?” I repeated back to her. I really doubt she said nothing. She wasn’t gonna let this go. And Charlie should’ve known better. After he ratted her out to parents about the smoking she loosened the nut on the handlebars of his bike. You would’ve thought that after he crashed and broke his arm he would know not to cross her. Unless maybe he thought she would’ve grown up and matured a bit… “Come on Lia, what are you gonna do about it?” I asked and she grinned a little.
“Oh that reminds me I have to call Crystal.” She took a step towards the door and I freaked.
“Why?” I cried out.
“Why?” She mimicked me back. “What, you wanna help Elle?” She asked and I shook my head no.
“No.” I told her softly. I didn’t know what she had planned for poor Charlie Perlman, but I did know Gerard would not want me getting involved. And she didn’t really need me. She had Crystal…
“I didn’t think so.” She snickered. “I’ll be right back.” She added before disappearing in the hallway.
“Oooh bring me something to eat too!” I called out after her. I was so fucking hungry it was unbelievable.
She was gone a long time and when she came back empty handed from the kitchen I thought maybe she didn’t hear me ask her to bring back a snack…
“You know, you got nothing to eat here Elle.” She shook her head a little disgustedly at me and I sighed. “You gotta go to the supermarket or something” She added and I tried not to let the worry show in my voice.
“Yeah Im working on it.” I said softly and she shrugged.
“Well I’m gonna get out of here.” She reached for her purse and I sat up in bed sharply, my heart racing. She was leaving? I couldn’t stay here alone, not like this. All hungry and scared.
“Why?!” I yelled out louder then I meant to and she gave me a curious look.
“I’m gonna go pick up Crystal.” She looked at me cautiously.
“Oh okay and then you’re coming back here.” I told myself reassuringly and she smiled a little.
“Um, no were gonna go up to Paterson.” She corrects me as she grabbed the cigarettes from the dresser and stuffed them into her purse.
“Paterson?” I repeated back to her. Paterson was fucking a half hour from here. A half hour there and back and the 20 minutes it would take to get to the club, she’d be gone half the night…
“Yeah you know there’s that all night one hour photo shop there.” She points out and I frowned a little.
“And?” I couldn’t help but be bitter. She wasn’t coming back. I was going to be here alone again. I should’ve just kept my mouth shut. Let her kiss me. I would’ve let her fucking feel me up if it meant I wouldn’t be alone in this house another night…
“Its better you don’t know.” She chuckled and I sighed once more. Oh poor Charlie. Lias gonna fuck you up good…
“Whatever.” I shook my head at her as she left. She flicked back on a couple of the lights but it wasn’t enough. I hated the dark. I hated being here. I hated being alone. I hated everything that was my life right now. I made my way back through the house turning on everything I could that lit up.
When I got back to my room I couldn’t find my cigarettes, Lia must’ve taken them. “God damn it Lia.” I cried out into the empty house. I was suddenly filled with a desire to just get out of here. I had no food, no cigarettes, no nothing, and the thought of crawling back into my empty bed, alone and hungry was enough to force me out.
I grabbed my keys and the few bucks I had swiped from her ashtray during lunch and headed up to the drive through myself. I shouldn’t have been driving, I was still so fucked up. So I drove really slow, almost too slow cause I got there just as they were about to close, but I got my fries and I had just enough money left to run into the 7-11 and grab a pack of smokes before heading back home.
As I struggled my way up the steps to the front door, carrying the fries and my purse and my cigarettes in one arm and the crutch in the other, I was strangely satisfied with myself and my accomplishments. Maybe my life wasn’t so bad. I could do this. I mean I did it already, it shouldn’t be so hard the second time around as I know what to expect right?
I fumbled the keys in the door taking extra care with my fries, there was no way I was going to drop them, I needed them too badly. As soon as I opened the door all the lights I left on inside flooded me, welcoming me back home. I was just about to step into it when all of a sudden the kitchen light flicked off… Okay I wasn’t expecting that…
“What the hell!” I cried out squirming back away from her in panic.
“What?” She widened her eyes at me as she reached over and twisted the lamp on.
“You kissed me!” I gasped accusingly at her as the light filled the room.
“So?” She replied and now I was the one widening my eyes.
“So?!” I repeated back to her and she made a face at me like I was crazy, or overreacting or maybe both.
“I’ve kissed you plenty of times.” She points out and I frowned a little as I shifted on the bed next to her.
“But you’re a lesbian.” I tell her and she laughed sharply.
“I am not.” She replied in amusement.
“Um you are.” I repeated once more with certainty.
“Jesus Christ, why would you say that Ellie?” She continued to laugh. “I have a boyfriend.” She added and I nodded my head forcefully.
“I know! That just makes it worse!” I cried out and she was still giving me that look.
“Damn Ellie you’re high.” She finally says and I sighed a little.
“No.” I challenged her but she was right. “Okay, yes… maybe, I don’t know. That’s not the point.” I stammered and she stood up from the bed and went and got her cigarettes from the dresser.
“Okay.” She tried to pacify me as she lit one up.
“No not okay.” I continued to insist. High or not I knew what I was saying. “You’re gonna stand there and say you’re not into girls?” I challenged her.
“Girls guys, What’s the difference?” She shrugged and I widened my eyes at her.
“Um there’s a big difference! You need an anatomy lesson” I cried out and I couldn’t help but giggle as I said it. She started giggling too, which only made my own worse. This was just so ridiculous now. “No but Lia that’s just wrong.” I finally calmed myself down enough to speak and she lowered her eyes a little from me and shifted her weight a little.
“Yeah well, whatever.” She shrugged and I got the feeling I hurt her but I didn’t know how. Maybe she thought I was being disproving of it and I wasn’t…
“No I mean you know I love you.” I told her and she nodded a little. “But I mean I love you like my sister and that would just be wrong.” I pointed out. “Like us would be eww,” I began to babble. I don’t even know what I was going on about I was so fucked up. It was like I knew what I wanted to say, I just wasn’t able to form the words into an actual sentence. “But like you and a random girl would be cool.”
“Well, that’s good to know.” Lia smirked at me in amusement. She was just appeasing me.
“No now, come on Lia.” I patted the bed for her to get back in but she wouldn’t.
“What?” She shrugged and I frowned a little. This wasn’t going well. So many times I wished I would’ve been able to have this conversation with her instead of finding out from Ray that she was hooking up with Crystal and now here we are and Im making a mess of it…
“Just.. forget it.” I shook my head a little dejectedly and Lias eyes suddenly lit up.
“No you know what. It’s a good idea.” I looked up at her as she said it, and I could almost see the evil intentions dancing behind them… “Could you imagine my moms face?” She began to grin and I shook my head quickly. Oh my God this was worse then I thought. I shouldn’t have said anything. I was giving her ideas now…
“Noooo.” I cooed at her but she just continued to grin wider.
“Yes!” She cried out as if she was pleased with herself. “Oooh I can tell her on Christmas morning!” She laughed and I frowned.
“No Lia bad idea.” I tried to insist. “She’ll kick you out.” I added and she shrugged. “God damn it Lia at least wait till after your birthday.” I pleaded with her. “Till after you take your GED exam.” I tried to reason with her.
“I don’t know. Maybe.” She shrugged but I suspect it was just to appease me. Once Lia gets an idea its hard to convince her of anything else. And this idea was my fault. Instead of helping Lia avoid her fate I was fucking steering her into it.
“Yeah and she wont even believe it, you do have a boyfriend remember?” I offered up and she laughed sharply.
“Okay well first of all Ray isn’t gonna be my boyfriend for much longer.” She said his name sharply as if it pissed her off to even think of him, which was sort of a good sign I think… “And anyways, she already suspects it.” She added and I scrunched my face in confusion.
“What? How?” I demanded. Why would her mom think shes a lesbian, or bi-sexual or what ever the hell she was… Certainly not cause of me! I mean yeah Id sleep over a lot but Ive been doing that with her since I was 5.
“Oh you remember Brian’s cousin Crystal?” She tells me and I cleared my throat a little. Lia wasn’t hooking up with Crystal yet was she?
“Um, yeah.” I said cautiously.
“Well I was hanging out with her at the club-” She starts to say and I cut her off.
“Wait you were at the strip club! What the hell for!” I yelled accusingly at her. She wasn’t working at that club yet either! And I was gonna make sure she never did this time around either…
“Uh we were just hanging out, chill out.” She scoffed at me and I settled myself back down into the bed as she went over and fluffed her hair in the mirror on my dresser.
“Fine. Go on.” I encouraged her.
“Okay well, um you know Charlie Perlman.” She gestured her hand in the air and I nodded.
Charlie lived about two houses up from her. He was a real loser. Not like a drugged out stoner loser, but more like a geeky college suck up loser. One time when we were about 12 years old Lia asked him to buy us a pack of cigarettes cause he was 14 and had a bike and we were too lazy to walk up to the 7-11. He not only said no, he told her parents. We hated him.
“Well he and his parents came over last week for dinner and he fucking told my mom he saw me there” She says casually and I gasped a little.
“No!”
“Yeah, he made it sound like I was working there. As if.” She scoffed a little and I bit my lip as I looked at her. Her scoffing was a good sign I think. Maybe she didn’t want to really work there either, but she did it cause… I don’t know. Lia is funny like that… “And my mom was all like what the hell, and Charlie said some crap about if I wasn’t working there maybe I was there to see the girls.” She laughed but I didn’t.
“And what did you say?” I encouraged her to finish the story but she wouldn’t.
“Nothing” She shrugged and I made a face.
“Nothing?” I repeated back to her. I really doubt she said nothing. She wasn’t gonna let this go. And Charlie should’ve known better. After he ratted her out to parents about the smoking she loosened the nut on the handlebars of his bike. You would’ve thought that after he crashed and broke his arm he would know not to cross her. Unless maybe he thought she would’ve grown up and matured a bit… “Come on Lia, what are you gonna do about it?” I asked and she grinned a little.
“Oh that reminds me I have to call Crystal.” She took a step towards the door and I freaked.
“Why?” I cried out.
“Why?” She mimicked me back. “What, you wanna help Elle?” She asked and I shook my head no.
“No.” I told her softly. I didn’t know what she had planned for poor Charlie Perlman, but I did know Gerard would not want me getting involved. And she didn’t really need me. She had Crystal…
“I didn’t think so.” She snickered. “I’ll be right back.” She added before disappearing in the hallway.
“Oooh bring me something to eat too!” I called out after her. I was so fucking hungry it was unbelievable.
She was gone a long time and when she came back empty handed from the kitchen I thought maybe she didn’t hear me ask her to bring back a snack…
“You know, you got nothing to eat here Elle.” She shook her head a little disgustedly at me and I sighed. “You gotta go to the supermarket or something” She added and I tried not to let the worry show in my voice.
“Yeah Im working on it.” I said softly and she shrugged.
“Well I’m gonna get out of here.” She reached for her purse and I sat up in bed sharply, my heart racing. She was leaving? I couldn’t stay here alone, not like this. All hungry and scared.
“Why?!” I yelled out louder then I meant to and she gave me a curious look.
“I’m gonna go pick up Crystal.” She looked at me cautiously.
“Oh okay and then you’re coming back here.” I told myself reassuringly and she smiled a little.
“Um, no were gonna go up to Paterson.” She corrects me as she grabbed the cigarettes from the dresser and stuffed them into her purse.
“Paterson?” I repeated back to her. Paterson was fucking a half hour from here. A half hour there and back and the 20 minutes it would take to get to the club, she’d be gone half the night…
“Yeah you know there’s that all night one hour photo shop there.” She points out and I frowned a little.
“And?” I couldn’t help but be bitter. She wasn’t coming back. I was going to be here alone again. I should’ve just kept my mouth shut. Let her kiss me. I would’ve let her fucking feel me up if it meant I wouldn’t be alone in this house another night…
“Its better you don’t know.” She chuckled and I sighed once more. Oh poor Charlie. Lias gonna fuck you up good…
“Whatever.” I shook my head at her as she left. She flicked back on a couple of the lights but it wasn’t enough. I hated the dark. I hated being here. I hated being alone. I hated everything that was my life right now. I made my way back through the house turning on everything I could that lit up.
When I got back to my room I couldn’t find my cigarettes, Lia must’ve taken them. “God damn it Lia.” I cried out into the empty house. I was suddenly filled with a desire to just get out of here. I had no food, no cigarettes, no nothing, and the thought of crawling back into my empty bed, alone and hungry was enough to force me out.
I grabbed my keys and the few bucks I had swiped from her ashtray during lunch and headed up to the drive through myself. I shouldn’t have been driving, I was still so fucked up. So I drove really slow, almost too slow cause I got there just as they were about to close, but I got my fries and I had just enough money left to run into the 7-11 and grab a pack of smokes before heading back home.
As I struggled my way up the steps to the front door, carrying the fries and my purse and my cigarettes in one arm and the crutch in the other, I was strangely satisfied with myself and my accomplishments. Maybe my life wasn’t so bad. I could do this. I mean I did it already, it shouldn’t be so hard the second time around as I know what to expect right?
I fumbled the keys in the door taking extra care with my fries, there was no way I was going to drop them, I needed them too badly. As soon as I opened the door all the lights I left on inside flooded me, welcoming me back home. I was just about to step into it when all of a sudden the kitchen light flicked off… Okay I wasn’t expecting that…
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