FicWad

“Hey I didn’t think of it before now but do you think Claire would want to see the show?” Alicia asked looking over at Anna. They were seated on the side stage waiting for the concert to begin. The roadies were just finishing up getting My Chem’s equipment in place. Anna was watching the stage but at Alicia’s question she turned to face her.
“I never thought to ask her.” She admitted feeling shocked by the question. It had never crossed her mind to include Claire making her suddenly regret her actions. She knew she had to come up with some kind of answer. “However, I believe she mentioned she was tired from our drive today.”
Alicia nodded then asked a question she had been wondering about since meeting Anna, “So what other types of music do you listen to?”
Anna smiled, “Well I do enjoy MCR. But I also enjoy a wide range of music. It really depends on my mood. When I write I often listen to classical.”
“I like lots of different types too.” Alicia agreed. “So if I’m not being too nosey what made you decide to write a book about MCR instead of another group or artist?”
Anna gave her the answer she had practiced. “I wanted to try something different. Something totally different from my usual body of work. This seemed like a good choice since I truly enjoy their music.”
The band members suddenly came into view standing backstage while waiting for the roadies to finish. Anna’s attention was suddenly drawn to Gerard. He was leaning against a pile of crates and from where Anna sat she could see his eyes were closed. Alicia followed her gaze.
“He does that a lot.” Alicia said. “So does Mikey. They get their nerves under control that way.”
Anna nodded. “Yes he admitted earlier he was apprehensive about the show.”
“Mikey is just fuckin’ scared.” Alicia admitted seeing her husband come into view.
“Scared?’ Anna repeated.
Alicia’s face showed she regretted her words. “Uh, just nervous.”
Anna wanted to put her mind at ease, “I will not write anything personal that any of the band members would not want published.”
Turning back to look at her Alicia smiled, “I believe you, Anna. I’m not really worried about that. It’s just I know he is and yet I hate to admit it out loud. My boy has had so many problems that sometimes I just like to pretend they never existed.”
“I understand.” Anna said softly.
The lights in the venue dimmed and the crowd came to life. Anna was shocked by the roar of voices as the band members started to take the stage. From where she sat she could see that Gerard was still backstage. Suddenly he turned to where they were sitting and she saw him looking intently. When their eyes met he smiled and nodded to her. Anna smiled back then he turned and took the stage.
Although she had seen him perform so many times before this concert was different. This time the man on the stage knew of her existence. That knowledge made such a difference to Anna. It filled her with hope yet at the same time filled her with dread. There could be no going back now. From the shadows of his life she had come foreword and now the decision he would soon make would change the future for them both.
As the concert continued Anna tried to put the ominous feelings from her mind and simply enjoy the music. She watched him command the stage as the character he’d created for just this purpose. This character was fearless, he was in charge. He was raw, full of fury and energy. How different this man on stage was from the man she’d seen staring up at the snowflakes, his face covered in despair. Yet Anna knew no matter how he tried to convince himself that the man on stage was only a character she knew it was not true. That cursing, cocky man parading across the stage was a part of him. Just as the sensitive, frightened man was also another part of the whole. He had become splintered; afraid he had lost his true self.
Christa glanced over and Anna and was surprised. She nudged Alicia then whispered something in her ear. Alicia turned to Anna and saw what Christa had seen. She leaned over and spoke loudly into Anna’s ear to be heard over the music. “Are you okay?”
Anna realized immediately she had let her true feeling be seen on her face. She smiled quickly and replied, “Yes, I just have a slight headache.”
Alicia nodded then turned her attention back to the show. Still she couldn’t help but think, for a brief second, she’s seen tears in Anna’s eyes.



Claire looked up as Anna entered the RV. “I assumed you would stay with the group after the concert to gain knowledge of their habits and so forth for your research.”
Anna heard the emphasis she put on the word “research’. She understood Claire was once again pointing out the lie that had been a necessity. “I am tired.” Anna said shortly.
Without a word Claire stood and in a moment returned with a small black bag in her hands.
Anna shook her head.
“Are you positive?” Claire said taking the seat across from her.
“Tell me what you wish to say.” Anna said softly.
Claire took a moment to choose her words carefully. “I do not understand why you are putting yourself through this charade.”
“Charade?” Anna tried to keep her tone neutral yet anger was just under the surface.
“You do not fit in with these people. I hate to see you struggle trying to be part of their world.”
Anna’s anger made her reply quickly, “I wish to be a part of their world. I want this, Claire.”
“Only for him.” Claire said softly.
“No, not just for him. I am tired of living in seclusion. I have hidden myself away for so long.”
Claire sighed, “Out of necessity.”
“That is not the only reason. I have been afraid to live any other way.” Anna admitted. She searched Claire’s face for the truth, “Do you not think it is attainable? Do you believe I can not be a part of his life?”
Seeing Anna this vulnerable was hard for Claire. “But Annabelle, his life…..”
The loud knock on the door silenced her words. Claire quickly got up and walked to the door.
“Hello, I’m Gerard. You must be Claire.” He said as the door was opened.
“Nice to meet you Gerard.” Claire said pushing the door open further so he could enter.
Anna sat up straighter as Gerard entered the RV. His hair was wet from his recent shower and his face was flushed. He smiled when he saw Anna. “Hey, Alicia said you left after the encore. She said you weren’t feeling good.” The concern in his voice was genuine.
“Just a headache.” Anna quickly explained, “But the show was wonderful.”
“Yeah, it went pretty good I think.” Gerard paused, “Uh, the busses aren’t pulling out for about an hour and the band is back on our bus. I was wondering if you feel up to hanging with us? It will give you a chance to talk to the guys.”
While Anna knew it would be best to get her emotions under control before spending any more time with him she realized she wanted to be near him. “That sounds like a wonderful idea.” She said slowly standing to follow him.
“Anna I need to speak with you a moment before you go.” Claire said.
Gerard understood she wanted to speak to Anna alone. “Hey, I’ll just wait outside.” He said with a smile.
When he was gone Anna sighed, “What is it Claire?”
Claire sat down while trying to choose her words carefully. Her concern and genuine love for Anna made her feel what she was about to say was important.
Anna noticed her seemingly reluctance to speak. “Claire, we have been over this before. Just tell me what you are thinking.”
“It is not my place to question your decisions.” Claire said looking down.
“I have told you before I want you to speak your mind.”
Claire took a deep breath, “Fine. I will speak my mind. You know I do not agree with this path you have chosen. Not because I do not understand but because I fear it may lead to heartbreak for you.”
“Some would say I have no heart.” Anna said softly.
“And those who would say that are fools.” Claire said hotly. “I know you Anna. I have witnessed the love you have for his man.”
“And you fear he will not feel the same for me.” Anna said with a sigh.
“If he does not then he is a fool.” Claire said. “But I can not help but worry. And I can not help but feel anger.”
Anna gave her a shocked look, “Anger? Anger directed at who?”
“No one in particular. But I see you trying so desperately to fit in and I want it to be easier for you. I do not like to see you struggle.”
Anna’s laugh was quick but without humor. “Because of who I am. Because it is not right that I should let you see any weakness in me.”
Claire shook her head, “Anna, stop that. You have given me the freedom to look beyond what is expected of both of us. And I have cherished that gift.” She paused then spoke from her heart. “I want this to end with you attaining the happiness you deserve.”
Anna stared at her a moment. “Then please tell me what it is you are trying to say.”
Claire nodded, “I believe you need to loosen up.”
“Loosen up?” Anna repeated clearly shocked. That was not a saying she had ever heard Claire use before tonight.
“Yes.” Claire said nodding. “You need let go and stop worrying about speaking without first thinking.” She searched for the right term “Go with the flow I think it is called.”
This time when Anna laughed it was genuine. “Claire, what have you been reading?” She teased.
“Not reading but watching.” Claire admitted, “I have watched these people. They are genuine. Do not forget many times I stood by your side as you watched Gerard move through his life. I have witnessed first hand his highs and lows. I feel that since your first actual meeting you have been with the quite, broken man.”
Anna nodded knowing this was true.
Claire continued, “But now that is slowly changing.”
“I did not….”
Claire held up her hand stopping Anna’s words. “I did not mean to imply that. However, now that he is on tour, more importantly back on the stage, you will see a different side to him.”
“I have seen that side often.” Anna reminded her as he mind went back to the first MCR concert ever. She had been there in the back of the room. She had seen him nervously take the stage fueled on with alcohol and determination.
“Yes.” Claire said. “You have and I know this. But when I said earlier that you need to loosen up what I was trying to say was you need to adjust yourself to be more in tune with him.”
Anna considered Claire’s words carefully. “I do understand what you are saying.”
“Then play the part, Anna.” Claire said softly, “But remember that even though you tell yourself it is just a part it really is not. It is simply a part of yourself you never allowed to show.”
“It was impossible for me to do so.” Anna said softly knowing it was the truth.
Claire nodded, “Yes, I understand that. But right now we are undetected. Jacob has protected you and I am sure he will continue to do so.”
“I pray that is the truth.” Anna whispered, “He must know of my movements yet he has not called any of my actions into question.”
Claire smiled, “Then do this Anna. Let yourself act without censoring your own thoughts and actions.”
“Go with the flow.” Anna said with a smile.
Claire returned the smile, “Yes, go with the flow.”

Outside Anna’s RV Gerard lit a cigarette and looked up at the stars. He smiled as he realized he hadn’t felt this good in a long time. Gone was the fear that had plagued him for so long. Maybe it was simply getting back on tour he thought. It was like finding a part of him that had been gone for so long. Yet he knew while that might be part of it there was another reason. And that reason was still inside the RV. What really shocked him though was the fact that he wasn’t afraid of the feelings that seemed to be growing. Anna was like a wonderful gift. A gift he knew would be something he longed for but at the same time wanting to unwrap it slowly to savor each anticipation filled moment. He heard the door to the RV open and he quickly tossed the cigarette away.
“Sorry I took so long.” Anna said walking towards him.
“No problem.” He answered. “I was just enjoying the night air. It’s cold yet invigorating.”
Anna nodded, “It is crisp.”
Gerard noticed she had not grabbed a jacket. “Shit, you must be cold.” He moved to place his arm around her shoulder to pull her to his warmth. “Shit, you are cold.” He noted feeling her hand as it bushed against his.
She knew not to correct his assumption. Yet she couldn’t deny that his closeness sent a warm feeling coursing through her body. Suddenly Claire’s words rang in her ears. She smiled, “I am glad I did not wear a jacket.”
Gerard smiled at her words, “Oh, so it was a plot to get me to put my arm around you to warm you up.” He teased.
Anna moved slightly closer to him. “I would not say a plot but it did work out nicely.”
He looked into her eyes and suddenly it felt as if the rest of the world faded away. The voices of the roadies loading equipment across the parking lot fell silent. Without thought he slowly lowered his head and gently pressed his lips to hers.
Anna closed her eyes and let herself become lost in the moment. She turned her body to his and placed her arms around his waist. The kiss that had begun so gently, so sweetly suddenly changed. Gerard’s tongue brushed her lower lip begging her mouth to open. Anna did so wanting more. She felt his hands caress her back as their tongues touched and teased. Anna felt her control beginning to waver.
“Anna” Gerard whispered her name against her lips.
She felt his need pressing against her and her control wavered. She deepened the kiss as she pressed herself to his body. All her senses burst into overload. She could feel his body responding, hear the blood rushing through his veins….She knew she had to stop this before she completely lost all control of the situation. Quickly she took a step back.
Gerard was so caught up in the moment he almost lost his balance when she moved so quickly. He ran his hand through his hair and laughed, “Shit, sorry. I don’t know what came over me.”
“The same thing that came over me.” Anna whispered looking down.
He spoke the truth, “If we were some place alone I couldn’t have stopped.”
Anna still would not meet his eyes, “If we were alone I would not have wanted you to stop.”
“Gerard.” The sound of Mikey’s voice broke the spell.
Gerard gave a shaky laugh, “I told them I’d be right back.”
Anna finally looked up. When she did Gerard could have swore her eyes flashed. “We should go.” She said softly.
“Yeah” Gerard said while telling himself he’d imagined what he thought he just saw, “The guys really want to talk to you.”
Anna nodded, “And I want to speak to them.”
As they started for the My Chem bus Gerard couldn’t stop himself from taking her hand. He didn’t understand but he knew in his heart something had just happened between them. As they walked he tried to sort out his jumbled thoughts. He tried to understand why he suddenly felt a small thread of fear run through his body