FicWad

Danielle

I'm not good at talking about myself.

I don't think in words. I'm not a lyricist. I'm a bassist. I follow a rhythm that is wordless. I follow sounds that boom from deep within my loins and never stop.

That's hard to translate.

So most people probably have the wrong idea of me.

I don't think I'm a slut, or a whore, or any derivative thereof. At the point in my life where the Warring States were touring with MCR, I'd had sex with four men---two boyfriends I had in college, a musician boyfriend I had a year ago, and one one-night stand.

I like having sex. It's not a sin. My sensuality is a big part of my inspiration. The drum in my heart? Sex is a part of it. So is love. So is pain, and death, and spring and laughter and joy. It reminds me that I'm powerful.

I'm not going to apologize for being who I am.

But, at that moment, knocking on Ray's door, I sure wanted to.

"Hey, Ray?"

There was silence for at least a few seconds. "Danielle, that you?"

"Yeah, it's me. Can you open up? I need to talk to you."

There was a pause, a shuffle of movement, and then a slow creaking noise as the door swung out. His large frame filled the crack he made. "Hey."

"Hey. Is there room for me in there?"

"Um, yeah, sure," he backed up so that I could walk in, but we brushed together awkwardly for a few seconds. I desperately prayed for my butt to shrink several sizes until I could turn around and face him.

He lied. There wasn't enough room. I could feel his breath hot on my neck; it was coming out fast, as if he were nervous. "Sorry, I'm totally crowding you," I apologized quickly. I tried to back up farther, but I only succeeding in bumping into his leg some more.

"Um, this room is really small," he was saying apologetically. "Wanna go out to the kitchen or something?" God, his breath was hot.

"Uh, no. I'd stay here if it's okay with you. I was kind of hoping for some...uh, privacy," I said.

"Okay."

Seeing his guitar in the corner, I said, "Christ, how do you work in here? It's so fucking small."

He smiled a little and shrugged. "I don't know. I guess you get used to it." He was fidgeting a bit with his fingers. "Um, what did you want to talk about?"

"Last night, I was beyond bitchy. It was uncalled-for."

He stayed quiet, his eyes on the ground.

"So I'm really sorry. I want you to know that. You were just being a nice person, and I took it out on you. Major mea culpa."

He took a few seconds before responding. "It's all right. You were kind of right, anyway. It wasn't my business."

"That's why it was so nice. You didn't have any reason to do it, other than being a great guy. So thank you. It does mean a lot to me that you care."

I leaned up to kiss him on the cheek, but missed by a bit. Instead I caught the edge of his chin. It. Was. Awkward.

I think a part of it was the height difference. Even on my tippytoes I had to stretch to reach his chin. So I just put my arms around his neck, turning into a "hanging hug."

Oh, God, this is awkward, I kept thinking. But then his arms came around my waist and hoisted me up. I really wanted to put my legs around his waist. But then I would be rubbing up against him in a way I really didn't want at the moment.

When he put me down in a few seconds I made sure to grin up at him. "You give the best hugs ever."

"You're not bad yourself," he replied, grinning back at me.

I couldn't help but notice how much bigger his mouth got when he smiled, how his lips were shaped...

Huh?? That's weird.

"I'm really glad I talked to you, Ray."

"Yeah, I'm glad you did, too. I think..."

"That we're going to be friends?" I smiled again. "Me, too. Ray, I think..." I leaned up and used his shoulders to hoist myself up before saying, "that you're going to be my favorite," before kissing the side of his cheek.

He blushed. I hope he doesn't notice that I noticed. So cute.

"I'll see you at dinner?"

"Count on it."