FicWad

My first class was physiology and my second class that morning was English. Unfortuantely, I didn't have any of those classes with James. Before I knew it, lunch time had come around. Sadly, I hadn't been able to snag anything to eat on my rush to head to school. My stomach growled reproachfully at me as stepped into the lunch room. I did my best to ignore it and hurried over to the usual corner where I ate lunch. When I reached it, I pulled out my biology book and started randomly flipping through it.

"Hey!" a cheerful voice caught my attention as I was skimming a passage on animal anatomy. The voice continued, "Can I sit here?" I didn't even have to look up to know that the voice belonged to James. I slammed the biology book shut and stowed it back in my bag as I looked up at him, saying, "Yeah, sure."

James plopped down next to me and ripped open his brown lunch bag enthusiastically. I was starting to think that James really did want to be my friend after all. He was going out of his way to be nice to me; that was the first time anyone had done that for me. I tried not to watch too closely as he pulled out a sandwich, apple, and two cookies from his lunch bag. Unfortunately, my stomach chose that moment to growl loudly, signaling to me that I would really like one of those cookies.

James pulled the peanut butter and jelly sandwich out of his bag, tore it in half, and then passed one of the halves to me. I stared at the sandwich half in my hand for a minute, not really sure what to do with it. Was James actually giving his food to me to eat? Did he expect me to pay him back for it somehow? I hoped that wasn't the case because I had absolutely no means to reimburse him. After all, I had probably been fired from my job after missing five days of work. My stomach sank. That meant I was going to have to try to find some other job after school today. Well, after James and I studied together that is.

James tossed me one of the cookies and noticed that I wasn't eating the sandwich. He pressed the cookie into my hand and gave me a severe look, saying one word, "Eat!" Still, I hesitated. I felt so bad eating his food when I hadn't done anything to deserve it. Needing to express this feeling, I told him, "I can't. It's your lunch, not mine. I don't want to take it from you. Besides, it's not like I can pay you back for it or anything anyways."

Rolling his eyes at me, James pushed my hand towards my mouth, "Goddamn, of course I don't need you to pay me back! I'm giving you something to eat because you're obviously hungry and that's just what friends do. I'll take it as an insult if you don't eat it. Come on, just take a bit. I know you're hungry."

Mainly because James was right and I really was hungry, I took a bite of the cookie. The warm chocolate chips melted in my mouth. I savored the taste; I couldn't even remember the last time I had eaten cookies! As James and I ate our lunch together in mutual silence, a red-headed figure came into view. It was Kitty.

She was walking across the room with a tall, dark haired guy by her side. I analyzed the guy carefully, but I couldn't remember who he was. As a matter of fact, I couldn't even remember seeing him at this school before. I didn't pay much attention to the students at the school besides for Ray and James. And now that Ray was gone, I only had eyes for James.

Kitty caught my eye, smiled and waved. I smiled over at her and waved back. I had tried to push my hard feelings for Kitty aside. After all, there was no longer any reason to hate her. After all, she and James were no longer together. I just couldn't get that picture of them together out of my head though. Ah well, it would fade eventually, right?

Then, as Kitty noticed James sitting next to me, her smiled faded. Instead, a scowl crossed her face. Without warning, she grabbed the hand of the guy walking next to her and spun him around so that they were facing. She impulsively wrapped her arms around his neck and started kissing him right in front of the whole school. I knew exactly why she was kissing him; she wanted to make James jealous. It was pretty obvious what she was up to because even though her lips were glued to the unknown guy's, her eyes kept flitting sneakily in James' direction.

I turned to James, hoping he hadn't noticed Kitty and the guy. Unfortunately, he had. Feeling I should say something, I asked nervously, "So...is that Kitty's new boyfriend?" James shrugged and turned his eyes back to me, "I guess so. She seems to be kissing him so I guess they have that kind of relationship."

I was glad that James had turned his gaze to me instead of continuing to look at Kitty. Wanting to keep his eyes focused solely on me, I floundered for something else to say. Not able to think of anything appropriate to say, I spoke what was on my mind instead, "Does that bother you? You know, seeing Kitty with another guy like that?"

James' gaze traveled to Kitty for a minute before he looked back at me. When he spoke, he spoke firmly without any regret in his voice, "Nah, it doesn't bother me. We never were officially dating or anything anyways. We were just kind of...friends, I guess? It's hard to explain. We weren't like in love or anything though."

"Hm," I replied dubiously. Maybe James hadn't been in love, but Kitty sure seemed to have been in love. Besides, James had actually made love to Kitty, he must've loved her to some extent. James frowned and me and chewed his sandwich carefully as he said, "I know what you're thinking, but remember, I was drunk that night. I didn't know what I was doing."

"Do you regret it?" I asked impulsively. "You know...doing 'it' with her?" I knew I should stop asking such personal questions, but I just couldn't seem to keep them inside. They burst out of me like an erupting volcano. I used the word 'it' in my sentence because I just couldn't say 'having sex' for some reason. The words just seemed dirty to me or something.

James didn't seem to mind my question though. He answered me thoughtfully, "Yeah, I guess I regret it. But what's done is done, you know? Besides, we both know that it didn't mean anything. We're both friends and it's all cool. Making love to someone doesn't mean you're bound to spend the rest of your life with them or anything, you know?" James laughed as he chomped down on the rest of his sandwich.

I thought about what he had said carefully as I finished my cookie. Having sex with someone seemed to be a lot more of a big deal that James seemed to think it was. I didn't think it should be casual or just something to be thrown around. You should only make love to someone if you were really serious about them and if you wanted to live with them or something like that. But that's just my opinion. And really, who cared what I thought?

Just as James was swallowing his last bite of sandwich, the school bell rang, signaling us all to go back to our classes. Kitty slowly untangled herself from her new boyfriend and shot us an envious glance before pulling the guy out of the room with her. James stood up and crumpled the brown lunch bag in his fist as he said, "I have fuckin' social studies after this. I don't think we have any classes together for the rest of the day. You'll wait for me after school so we can study together though, right?"

I nodded and waved as we went our two separate ways. For some reason, the future no longer seemed so dark and dull. Getting to study with James was actually the only reason I think I continued to function for. My life had become so fragile and worthless, but now I was starting to gain a wanting to live again. Maybe I could change after all.

~ ~ ~ ~

The rest of my classes seemed to drag by quickly. I tried to pay attention, but the vision of a smiling blonde figure kept popping into my head instead of the answer to the cosine of ninety-five. I was pretty tired too, so I got distracted really easily. Whenever I was tired, my mind always seemed to lapse into daydreaming. It was like I didn't have enough energy to think about hard geometry problems and boring stuff like that. Oh well, James could help me catch up with geometry tonight. Hopefully by then, I would be able to concentrate. Although I had to admit that being in the same room with James always made me a lot less focused than usual. I guess I would just have to see what the night would bring. Who knew? Maybe I could get over my shakiness around James after we spent more time together.

As soon as the bell rang that signaled the end of school, I was the first one out of my chair. I crammed by books into my bag and swung it over my shoulder as I raced out of the stuffy geometry classroom and out into the hall. Luckily, there wasn't anyone else in the hall yet, so I was able to run through the halls without any obstructions. Once I was outside, I leaned against the edge of the entrance to wait for James. He was usually pretty speedy about getting out of class, so I figured he would meet me out here in only a minute or two. Well, unless he got held up that is.

Five minutes past...and then ten. I glanced at my watch nervously. Where was James? He had promised to meet me out here after school. What if he had gone back on his promise? There was a good possibility that maybe he had reconsidered helping me out with geometry and was trying to avoid me or something. That explanation didn't really fit James' character, but people could easily hide their true character. Ray was a good example of that.

Just when I was about to give up and go home alone, I saw two figures exit the school laughing together. I stopped in my tracks and turned around to see who the two people where. The first one was the one I had been daydreaming about all day, and the second was a red-head with a flirty smile. It was James and Kitty. What the hell were they doing together? I couldn't help but notice how Kitty was walking so close to James that their thighs kept brushing together. I was half tempted to turn and run home, but that would be a cowardly thing to do. I couldn't help but wonder if James had changed his mind about Kitty though. Just a few hours earlier, he had been telling me that he was happy that they broke up. But now? It sure looked like things had changed.

Kitty and James stopped just outside of the school door and seemed like they were saying goodbyes. Unfortunately, I wasn't close enough to hear what they were saying. I took a surreptitious step closer to them and strained my ears to hear what they were saying. It was then that I realized I couldn't hear what they were saying because Kitty was whispering. Somehow, I managed to catch the last part of her whispers, "Are you sure you want to keep hanging out with that Olivia girl, James? There's something just not right about her. You know that you could always come hang out with me after school." Kitty fluttered her eyelashes sexily. James' face was absolutely expressionless as he looked at me and then back to Kitty.

I could feel my cheeks flare and my heart twist painfully. It had only been a week ago when I had been the one comforting Kitty and telling her that everything would be okay even though James had broken up with her. Apparently, Kitty had dismissed that and had decided I was her enemy. And why was I her enemy? Because of some stupid boy. My face twisted into a scowl and I decided that I was going to leave right now regardless of what I had thought about being a coward earlier.

It was really because I was scared of Kitty that I was leaving, I was just fed up with her bullshit. I was a little upset at James too. After all, he had been telling me that everything was over between him and Kitty. Either that had been a lie or he had changed his mind about it. And really, I couldn't blame him. Kitty was much prettier than I was and probably much friendlier too. I still wasn't even used to talking to people in normal conversations. Besides, Kitty was able to offer James a lot more in a girlfriend than I would be able to offer. Everyone knew that boys were the same; they all wanted to have sex eventually. It was just kind of one of those natural feelings that occurred. They couldn't be blamed for that. But they could be blamed for how they handled it. You could handle it in a good way by finding a girlfriend who wanted to have sex with you, or you can handle it by finding a naive girl like me and rape her just like Ray had done.

After thinking all this through, I decided that James was definitely better off with Kitty. It wasn't like I would ever have a chance at being James' girlfriend anyways. I couldn't even bear to have a guy touch me let alone kiss me. Even a guy getting into my bubble of personal space made me grimace and jerk away. I knew that I was being totally paranoid, but I couldn't help that after everything I had been through with Ray.

So without waiting to hear what James replied back to Kitty about me, I tossed my hair nonchalantly over my shoulder and started walking towards the sidewalk with my head held high and my back straight. I tried to make everything look like I was okay and totally normal, but deep inside I was pushing back tears of angry and remorse. Just when I rounded the corner and was about to walk down to my street, I heard a voice calling my name and rapidly approaching footsteps behind me.

"Olivia! Olive, wait up!" Since when had James started calling me "Olive"? That was an intimate little nickname that he didn't deserve to use with me when he had just been gossiping about me two seconds before. I wished he would just go back to Kitty and leave me alone. He just didn't get it. I narrowed my eyes, ignored his calls, and kept on walking.