FicWad

Even though I continued to ignore James' calls, his footsteps behind me sounded louder and it wasn't too long until he had caught up to me. He grabbed my hand and tried to get me to stop. The way he had grabbed my arm was a little too rough for my liking. It reminded me a lot of Ray. Actually, a lot of things reminded me of Ray, but physical touch reminded me of him the most. Feeling uncomfortable by James' touch, I wrenched my arm out of his grip and jerked away from him.

James, seeing his error, quickly apologized, "I'm sorry, Olivia. I forgot. Hey, why are you avoiding me though? We said we were going to study together after school and now you're running away from me or something. What's going on?" Was he really that daft that he didn't think I had seen what had happened between him and Kitty just now? God, some guys could be so naive. I turned away from James' earnest gaze and kept on walking down the street.

James followed me with concern written all over his face while he waited for my answer. Knowing that I was going to have to say something in order to get him to leave me alone, I smirked and said, "Wouldn't you rather study with Kitty tonight?" James looked confused for a second before recognition dawned on his face. He immediately turned bright red and looked away. The two of us continued walking down the road together in silence. I wondered why he didn't just go away now and leave me be.

Finally, James did speak again, "I was just talking to her. We weren't like discussing getting together or anything. We're just friends now, okay?" It wasn't okay. I knew that they had been gossiping about me and that was something that was really getting on my nerves. It was one thing for someone to say something bad to your face, but it was a completely different thing when people whispered behind your back.

"So what was up with the talk about me?" I turned on James as I walked up my driveway. The only answer from him was silence. As I put my hand on the doorknob, I twisted the doorknob and turned around to say one last thing to James, "After all, there's 'something not right' about me. Why don't you just go find people or are 'right' and hang out with them instead like I know you want to? I don't want to deal with this right now."

Anger swelling up inside of me, I stepped into the living room and slammed the door shut hard behind me. I dumped my school bag into the corner and jammed my feet out of my boots with a feeling of depression. I stomped into the living room to find my mom lying on the floor with a beer bottle in her hand. It had overturned and the spilled beer had created a puddle next to her head. Shaking my head miserably, I walked to the kitchen to grab one of our old rags, and then headed back to where my mom lay. I began soaking up the excess water from the puddle with the rag. Our house was really turning into a mess. Everything around me looked ancient and dingy. Even my clothes were years old.

Once I had dabbed up the mess, I heaved my mom onto the couch and wrapped a blanket around her tenderly. There was no point in letting her sleep on the hard wooden floor. Even though my mom was usually unkind to me, I still loved her in the way that all kids loved their parents. If it weren't for her, I wouldn't be alive right now. I owed her my very best even if I couldn't do anything to save her at this point. I wished I could do something to save her, but I just didn't know what I could do.

After my mom was positioned comfortably on the couch, I pulled my school bag onto my table and dumped its contents out onto the kitchen table before me. Somehow, I was going to have to learn this material all by myself. Half-heartedly, I pulled out my geometry book and turned it open to the assigned page. All the numbers on the page looked like they were written in a foreign language. I stared at them with absolutely no understanding. That was when I reached my breaking point.

The tears came hot and heavy as they started streaming down my cheeks. I got upset really easily these days. It seemed like nothing ever went right. Even though Ray was gone, I was pretty much living in this shack all by myself and the one person who I had thought might be a friend had abandoned me in my time of need. Well, okay, it wasn't really James' fault, but I still found myself angry at him anyways. At this point, I really started to wish that I had that knife around. I just wanted to cut open the veins in my wrists and let the blood and life pour out of me until nothing was left.

Feeling more miserable than before, I pounded my head on the table and sobbed even louder. I was so carried away with my dismal state, that I didn't even hear the door open behind me. Suddenly, I felt a light hand on my back and heard a voice in my ear, "Olivia? What's wrong? Come on, talk to me."

I looked up at James with a tear-stained face that was contorted with the pain and misery of a girl who had been broken, beat, and scarred. Abruptly, something fell into place for me. That knife that I had been sure I had bought? Well, I had actually bought it. Someone had ended up stealing it from me, and there was only one person who that could be since there was only one person who knew who my house was. Through an accusing gaze, I looked up at him and said through the tears, "Where's my knife? I know you have it. Give it to me. You had no right to steal it."

James bit his lip nervously and looked down at the ground. The expression on his face told me that he had indeed stolen my knife. Finally, James said, "Come up to your bedroom and I'll explain." With that, he turned and headed up the stairs two at a time. Having no choice but to follow him, I tossed my school bags aside and started up the stairs to follow him to my bedroom. When I entered the room, James was already sitting on one half of my bed. I didn't really want him on my bed, but I didn't have the words to tell him to get off of it. Instead, I sank down on the other half and waited for his explanation.

"You know that night you got stranded out in the snow?" James asked. I did indeed remember that night. It was the night after I had gone to the store and bought the knife and was heading home. I remembered my body breaking down and I had ended up falling on my knees, wishing I would die. The next thing I remembered after that was waking up in my bedroom. I had no idea how I had gotten there though. Thinking I might now what had gone on, I nodded to James and waited for him to continue.

"You passed out," James said bluntly. "I found you there and brought you back to your house. After I had tucked up into bed, I...um...looked through your grocery bag because I was just kind of curious to see what you had bought. Okay, I know that was nosy of me, but I couldn't help it. Anyways, I found that knife and something told me that you weren't going to use it for a good cause. That's why I took it. I wasn't trying to steal it, I was just trying to keep you safe."

I didn't quite understand why James would care about keeping me safe, but I just shrugged my shoulders and then completely broke down. I clasped my hands and turned towards James with compassion-seeking eyes, begging, "Please give it to me? I need it now. I'll do anything...just give it to me, Please?"

A look of indecision flickered across James' face as he watched me begging him for the knife with all my might. Finally, he turned away from me and shook his head, "You know I can't give it to you. You're going to try to hurt or kill yourself, aren't you? Don't deny it because I'm not that stupid. I can tell what you want to do with that knife."

Figuring that there wasn't really any point in lying, I didn't deny that I wanted to kill myself. Instead, I just continued to plead with James to give me the knife. James, however, remained firm. He turned to me with a look of pain in his own eyes and asked me, "Why exactly do you want to kill yourself anyways, Olivia? Aren't things better now that Ray is gone?"

"Sure, they're better, I guess," I choked out, "But that doesn't mean things are good. Here I am, stuck all alone with a drunk for a mother who looks like she's going to drop dead at any moment, I can't do my stupid goddamn homework, and I don't even have a reason to continue on living. My life was worth nothing. I'd be happier dead than alive. So can you just give me the fuckin' knife so I don't have to go out and buy one?"

"You don't have money for another one," James stated a-matter-of-factly. Unfortunately, he was right. I had no money at all right now since I hadn't been to work in so many days. But of course, I wasn't about to admit this to James. James continued, "Life isn't all that hard, Olivia. I know you've had it rough, but it could get a whole lot better. You may have a really happy future for all you know. Can't you just open up a bit and let people in? I want to help you, but you won't let me. Aren't you tired of living life alone and trying to carry everything on your shoulders?"

"Of course I'm tired of living life," I snapped. "That's why I just want it to end!" I sniffled loudly and grabbed a tissue from my nightstand. After blowing my nose, I continued in a softer voice, "But yeah, I guess sometimes I do get lonely. It's just...I'm too scared to let anyone in. After Ray...I just don't trust anyone."

"Yeah, I can see that," James said, giving me such a sad look that I almost felt like I was hurting him in a sense. "But can't you let me in? Trust me? You can't continue life the way you're living it. You've just gotta trust me. You'll see in time that I would never do anything to harm you. Please trust me? I'm begging you."

I looked at James carefully. I wanted to let him into my life more than I could even say. There was some sort of chemistry between James and me. The two of us had both sensed it on the very first day when we met. But the thing was, how could I trust him? Especially after the whole situation with Kitty? No, I couldn't trust him. Maybe if Kitty hadn't existed, I could've trusted him, but with Kitty around, definitely not.

"I can't trust you though, James," I blurted out, grabbing another tissue. "Not when you're gossiping behind my back with Kitty like you were earlier. I thought you said you were done with her." My voice cracked embarrassingly at the end of the sentence, and a new torrent of tears started trickling down my tears once more.

"Did you actually hear me say anything bad about you to Kitty?" James asked curiously. I thought about his question. As a matter of fact, I hadn't heard him say anything bad about me. All I had heard was Kitty gossiping. I hadn't stuck around to hear James' response to her. James, reading my thoughts, nodded, "Exactly. I didn't say anything bad about you. I just told her that you were my friend and I would do whatever it takes to help you."

I didn't say anything. Maybe I had been punishing James for a crime that he hadn't even committed. I couldn't quite bring myself to apologize though. Something inside me was very angry and it just couldn't be pushed out of my system. James, realizing I wasn't going to say anything, took my wrists gently in his hands and looked deeply into my eyes, asking, "You really don't like me hanging out with Kitty, do you? You know what? I'll stay away from Kitty from now on. I can see it's really upsetting you."

"No, no," I retorted quickly. It was true that I wanted James to stay away from Kitty, but I just couldn't bring myself to admit that to him. After all, he should have a choice about who he hung up with. I shouldn't force him to stop hanging out with Kitty because of my stupid jealousy. I added, "You can love whoever you want, James. Don't let me stand in the way of that."

"But I don't love Kitty!" James snapped back. "How many times do I have to tell you that? I don't love Kitty, I love..." James dropped off the end of his sentence and just looked nervously into my eyes instead. I could almost see the answer in his eyes. James Hetfield loved...me? But how was that possible? I was just a freak, a girl that no one ever looked twice at. Not trusting myself to speak more than one word, I asked, "Why?"

James looked at his hands and said, "I don't know why. All I know is that I could feel something between us from the moment I met you. That's why I've done everything I can to protect you and keep you safe. I know you probably don't return these feelings, but can't you see that I'm not out to hurt you?" I frowned. The truth was that I really did return his feelings. I had been denying them for so long, but now it was time to release them. It was time to take a chance like James had said.

"I...I do love you though," I spoke in a quiet, nervous voice. James' eyes widened and he searched my face as if to make sure I was serious. After seeing that I was one hundred percent serious, James tilted his head down towards mine just the slightest bit. I leaned forwards towards him. I was so tired of fighting my true feelings, it was time to banish them. I wanted James and I needed him more than I even understood at that point in time.

James closed the last little bit of distance between us and touched my lips ever so gently with his own. I felt his hair tickle my cheeks lightly. James broke away from me almost nervously, as if he was asking me if what he was doing was okay. But the truth was, I had enjoyed that kiss more than anything I had ever experience before. I slid over on the bed and huddled against James. I pressed my hand lightly against his chest and looked up into his eyes, pleading for him to kiss me again.

The two of us leaned in this time and let our lips touch again. This time, I let my tongue flick lightly over James' lower lip. Sensing that I wanted to go a little farther, James kissed me more passionately this time with more pressure. We stayed on the bed like that for a very long time, exchanging sweet kisses and breaking down the barriers that had kept me in my shell for so long.