FicWad

Jeff drove us to the hospital since we decided Seb had too much on his mind, Chuck still didn't have a driver's liscense and mine expired months ago since no one drives in New York.

As we entered the hospital I got the same sense of panic that I had the day before. I stopped just inside the doors and starred in. Jeff and Chuck kept walking without noticing, but Seb stopped and took my hand.

"There's nothing to be scared of." He assured. I nodded, but I didn't believe him. I was scared to see Jay lying in bed, not full of life like his usual self. I was even more afraid he'd take one look at me, change his mind and ask me to leave. Seb tugged on my hand until I wasn't absent mindedly following him to the elevator. We got off on the third floor. In the middle of the hallway, Mr. and Mrs. Bouvier were talking to a doctor, and looking rather miserable. As we got closer to them, I could hear them talking.

"So, how long do you think?" Mr.Bouvier asked, clearly afraid to hear the answer.

The doctor sighed, "It's hard to tell, it could be another week, to another month. It's all up to him now."

When Seb watched Louise start to cry, he let go of my hand to rush over and give her a hug. I followed quickly, and when she was done hugging Seb, she hugged me. She'd always been like a mother to Seb and I. When I turned 17, my father up and left with no warning at all. After 2 weeks of living on my own, I finally told the guys. Louise took me in and gave me a home until Jay and I started dating, and a few months later we got our own place.

Seb never officially moved in with the Bouviers, but because his parents argued so much he spent most nights there.

I gave Mr.Bouvier a hug too.

"Oh dear, I hope you two are okay. You left the house so suddenly." She looked at my bandaged wrist, "I heard what happened, and you better believe Pierre got a mouthful from me."

"We're fine." I smiled mekely.

"That's what I like to hear." She smiled, but she still didn't look happy.

"Louise," Real placed his hand on his wife's shoulder, "We have to go pick up Johnathan."

"Johnathan's here?" Seb asked. Johnathan was the oldest Bouvier boy. Seb and I didn't know him very well since he was a few years older than Jay, and didn't live at home when I met all the guys. By the time Jay and I started dating, he'd moved to Toronto.

"We're picking him up at the airport." Louise smiled a little.

"Jay will be happy to see him." Seb nodded. We all said our goodbyes, and I turned towards the door. I took a deep breath and knew if I hesistated I'd never bring myself to go through the door. So, I turned the door knob and walked through. David and Jeff were sitting on a couch against the far wall, reading some magazine. Chuck was in a chair beside Jay's bed, and Pierre was practically asleep at a small table in the corner of the room. As soon as he noticed me, he stood up quickly.

"Anyone want a coffee?" He asked, already half way out the door. He shoved my shoulder as he passed me, but I barely noticed. I couldn't take my eyes off Jay, who was alsleep in the bed. His face and the rest of his body was so pale, except for his lips and eyelids with looked almost purple. He was thinner and more frail looking, and he had no hair left on his head. There were tubes running in his nose and wrist that were hooked up to machienes on the other side of the bed.

"I need to talk to him." Seb announced following Pierre out the door.

Jeff jumped up quickly, "I'm going to make sure they don't kill eachother." and he too followed them out.

After a few moments, Chuck stood. "I'm actually going to get some coffee, would you like some?" I nodded in response. "Come on David, come help me."

David looked confused for a moment, but then him and Chuck left the room, leaving me alone with Jay. I grabbed the chair Chuck had recently occupied and pulled it right up to the bed beside Jay. As I sat down I took his hand and started to cry.

"Don't cry." Jay's raspy voice spoke. It was like listening to a ghost. I looked up at him.

"Jay." I smiled, "How're you feeling?" I realized after how stupid that question was.

"Never better." He smiled, jokingly. I was happy to see he still had a sense of humour. "You look great."

"Thanks." I said, still letting tears flow freely from my face.

"Please don't cry." He begged. "My mom does enough of that for everyone."

"I'm sorry." I wiped the tears from my face.

"You have nothing to be sorry about." He squeezed my hand and I knew he didn't just mean the crying.

"I should've called, or visited-"

"You should've." He interupted, clearing his throat a little, "But I understand. And besides, you didn't need a play-by-play of how I was doing. All the matters is that you're here now."

"How are you still so understanding after going through all of this?" I asked, remembering that was always a quality I loved about him.

"I just figure, life's to short to waste your energy being angry with people." He smiled.

"You should teach Pierre that." I sighed.

"I wish I could." He reached his hand up slowly and touched the cast on my wrist. "I heard about what happened. Pierre comes in here all the time and talks to me while he thinks I'm asleep, but I listen. He told me how bad he feels. He's also mentioned how much we broke his heart when we started dating. He loves you, he's always loved you."

"he never loved me like you did. If he did, he would have done something about it. He would've stopped sleeping with all those girls in highschool."

"He did that to make you jealous, because you had Seb and he had no one."

"Well it worked. I became so disguisted by him I hated myself for liking him." I chuckled awkwardly and looked at Jay. "And then there was you. You two are so a like in so many ways but you're so sweet, understanding and-"

"And Pierre's more passionate, emotional and that's why you were always so attracted to him."

"That's not true-" I cooed.

"Yes it is." He said, "I've always known that. You may have been in love with me, but you always wondered if you could love Pierre more. I know it now."

He was absolutely right. I was in love with Jay, I still am. But there's always been that side of me that wondered where Pierre and I could end up. Could there be a deeper love there than with jay?

I started to cry again, and asked, "Can we please not talk about Pierre?"

"Sure," He tried to smile. "Whatever you want."

"So.." I struggled for a subject that could stay pleasent. "Jeff's gonna have a baby."

Jay smiled brightly, "I know. He talks about it all the time. And the way he smiles about it, you know he's extatic about the whole thing."

"I know, I'm so happy for him."

"It's too bad neither of us will ever get to experience that feeling."

"Jay- don't-" I warned him.

"Don't what? I bet you haven't spoken about this since we found out you couldn't have children. Does anyone else even know?" He asked.

"They don't need to know."

"They can help you, support you. You were so torn about the whole thing you could really use someone to talk to."

"I'm fine with it. I've come to terms." I lied.

"Okay," He sighed, "But I want to apologize for letting our relationship fall apart over it."

"It's okay-"

"No, it's not. After we found out you couldn't have a baby, it seemed like all our future plans were ruined. I started to resent you. That's why I pushed you so hard to leave after you got that scholarship, and I became sick, it was clear we were headed down two different paths and I didn't want to hold you back. You didn't need to waste you life watching me die. And I bet you if you told Pierre that, he would start to understand... trust me."

"Yeah, well we'll see about that."

"Trust me." He repeated. "And i'm sorry, but I'm exhausted..."

"Oh, it's okay" I started to stand up. "I'll come back another time." I leaned down and kissed his cheek. His face was so cold.

As I opened the door, jay said, "Hey Bethany." I turned to look at him, "I love you."

I smiled, and tried not to cry infront of him again. "I love you too."

"I can die a happy man knowing that." He said quietly as I walked out the door. I shut the door behind me and immediatly started to cry. I crossed the hall and leaned against the wall opposite of Jay's door. I slid down until I was sitting with my knees pulled up to my chest. I didn't know where else to go so I waited for someone to come find me, But being alone had it's downfall. I couldn't stop remembering things I didn't want to remember.

-Flash Back-
Jay and I sat nervously at the clinic, waiting for the doctor to come out with our results. Jay held my hand tightly over his knee and i couldn't stop shaking my legs.

"What if I'm pregnant?" I finally asked, looking over at Jay.

"Would it really be that bad?" He asked back. "We'd get married and start our plans a little earlier, that's all."

He seemed happy about the whole thing, But I wasn't ready to be a mother just yet. I wanted kids one day, but not now. Not when I'm only 20 years old.

"I don't wanna put my life on hold just yet, Jay." I admited. "I still wanna go to school and get my degree-"

"You can always do that after."

I didn't get another word in because the doctor came out. We both stood up anxiously. Jay grabbed my hand.

"I think we should come in to my office and talk." The doctor said. I had a hard time reading his expression. We followed him into his office and took a seat across from him at his desk. "Well, you're not pregnant."

I smiled, and looked over at Jay who was half smiling. I knew he'd be a little dissapointed but I planned to reassure him later that it'll happen one day for us.

"But," The doctor continued and the smiles faded from our faces. "I'm afraid you are not able to have a baby, miss.Belle."

"What?" Jay asked, shocked. "You mean she can never have children?... ever?"

"I'm afarid so." The doctor continued with all the medical talk, but I didn't pay attention. The only thing I paid attention to was the sinking feeling in my stomach. I knew right then that mine and Jay's relationship would never be the same again.

"We could always adopt." Jay suggested later that night when we were home. "We can still have a family."

I shooke my head, tears were streaming down my face, "It's not the same, Jay. You don't get that bond with an adopted child that you do when you've carried a baby for nine months. When they have your DNA there's always a special bond there."

"So, what are you saying?" He asked, dropping my hand from his.

"I don't know." I replied quietly.
-End Flash Back-