I had had enough.
I had enough with water, ocarinas, boob fairies, princesses, rules, missions, swords, and assholes. But what I was the most done with was water.
‘But Ash, the place you left us off at was at the top of Death Mountain,’ you might be whining you damn reader. Well, I’ve had enough of you too! While I was desperately holding onto a rubber duck floater whilst rushing down the river in Hyrule you are sitting in bed or on a couch, completely dry and happy; laughing at my misfortune.
So, reader, if you want to complain well I’m the one telling the damn story. If I decide to hop from one scene to a year later, I could do that. However I am not that mean, so I will tell you what happened between Death Mountain and the whole floating down a rapid river with a rubber ducky floater.
After the whole Boob Fairy happened, Link and I decided to head for this place called Zora River. We had no idea where this river was, so we went and talked to Darunia. Luckily for me, I wasn’t there after Link had defeated the evil in Dodongo’s Cavern, but if I was I probably would’ve gotten my guts hugged out by the big, rock like Goron. Link, however, was a sworn brother or something, so he got a huge hug which looked rather painful.
“What can I do for my Sworn Brother and his lady?” Darunia asked. He seemed a lot more cheerful than he was the last time I saw him.
“Do you know anything about the Zoras and the Zora River?” Link asked.
“Ooh la la, you must be thinking about getting engaged to your lady here,” Darunia said and he put his arm around me. “Link’s a fine, young man. He’d be a great husband. I know that if I had a daughter right now, I’d marry her off to Link in a wink.”
“Get away from me,” I said through my teeth. I wanted nothing to do with Link.
Darunia looked at me and said, “Quite the rude one you have here. Anyway, the Zoras are an aquatic race and they are also rather protective and territorial. But I wouldn’t blame them, seeing that every couple would like to go and steal their treasure.”
“What makes you think that I’m going to propose to Ash by going to Zora’s River?” Link asked quickly.
“The King of the Zoras has this sapphire and it is suppose to be rare,” Darunia said. “That stone is the most wanted stone in Hyrule only for the fact that it’s said to magically bond two individuals together as husband and wife.”
“Aw, that’s bull crap,” I said.
“Oh, no it isn’t,” Darunia said, shaking his head at me. “I have had many Gorons go and try to fetch the sapphire for their lovers, but they never came back successful. All Gorons sink in water though, so you might have an advantage my boy.”
“So how do we get it?” Link asked.
“Well, I’d take you and your lady to King Zora,” Darunia said. “He lives in Zora’s Domain.”
“Where’s that?” I asked. I didn’t get the whole engagement stone thing, but Link and I needed to get that stone, so if I had to pretend to be in love with that jerk, it had to happen.
“Zora’s Domain is behind this raging waterfall called the Sleepless Waterfall. I have heard that it takes a special song to make the waterfall calm down enough for someone to enter the domain. To get the waterfall, you will need to go left after leaving Kakariko Village”
I wasn’t sure what song that was exactly, but I took a guess on Zelda’s Lullaby, seeing as it opened a lot of stuff for Link and I anyway. I just wasn’t sure about this domain and all. I cringed at the idea of acting like I really liked Link. I glanced at him for one second and looked at his dirty hands. I looked at mine, which were a bit dirty, but Link’s just looked disgusting.
“Thank you, Darunia,” Link said and he looked at me and smiled. “My lady and I were very curious to where we could find these Zoras and you provided us with the answers that we needed.”
“Anything for my Sworn Brother,” Darunia said, but then he looked at me and said, “and of course for my Sworn Sister-in-Law.”
I gave him a nervous smile and looked at Link who held out his elbow and said, “Let us go, my love.”
I wrapped my arm around his elbow and he led me out. Once we had gotten out of Darunia’s throne room, I jerked my arm away from Link.
“Alright you asshole,” I snapped, “we’re not doing this-this love thing for very long.”
Link smiled and said all sexy like, “You know you want me.”
I assumed that he was teasing for he had a cheesy look on his face and he did that thing with his eye brows where he raised them up and down. I pulled his floppy hat down over his face and continued on.
“Aw, c’mon Ash, being with me isn’t that bad,” Link said chasing after me. “I’m sure there are a lot of girls that would like to be in your shoes right now.”
I stopped abruptly and glared at Link. “Oh yes, because I forgot that I am graced every waking moment by your presence, right?”
“Well, since you put it that way…” Link said in a sly tone. I just sighed angrily and walked off. “Oh c’mon now Ash,” Link shouted. “I was just kidding.”
I turned around and looked at Link who was standing there with his shoulders slouched. I actually felt a little bad for the kid, so I walked over to him. “Link, I’ll pretend to be in love with you,” I mumbled. Link’s face lit up, so I added, “But once this is over with, there is no more love between you and I, got it?”
Link had a confused look on his face, but he nodded. I looked at him straight in the eyes for a couple seconds so he would know I meant business. I quickly jerked my head away from him and started to walk.
“Now let’s go,” I said harshly. “We have to get to that domain before a cuter couple gets there.”
Link ran up behind me and grabbed my hand, interlacing his fingers with mine. I just shoved the kid and he fell on the dirty path down Death Mountain.
“Don’t press your luck,” I said as I stood over him.
“Rai,” Lux said and he slapped Link in the face with his tail.
I smiled at Lux who grinned back at me. We started to walk away as Link brushed himself off. He got back up and jogged to catch up with us. It was quite pathetic in my opinion, so I decided not to tease him anymore. I let him catch up, but I kept my hands behind my back. We didn’t need to pretend to be a happy couple until we got to the domain.
We passed through Kakariko Village as quickly as we could so that we wouldn’t have to listen to the old man yell about his workers again. We came to the stairs at the exit and began to walk down them. Our horses were resting on the grass, underneath the cool shade of the tree.
We mounted our horses and rode across a small bridge. After crossing the bridge, we followed a small river to the left. There was a small opening not too far off from that, but our horses could not cross the river. There was a small cliff not too far from us that overlooked the stairs to Kakariko Village, so we tied our horses to the fence.
We had to cross the river ourselves to get to the other side, so we approached the water. Link went right in and crossed over nicely. I didn’t really know how to swim, so I just stood there like an idiot.
“What’s the matter?” Link called from across the river.
“Oh, nothing,” I said and I put my foot in the water. The water soaked through my tough, leather boot and my feet started to get wet. The river’s flow wasn’t too bad, but I could feel it against my feet. Back at home, there were these rides at water parks called lazy rivers and that was always my favorite part. The water in those rides weren’t as deep as this river was, so I was nervous about crossing. There were no inner tubes in Hyrule, or at least there weren’t to my knowledge, so I was screwed to that part.
“Well, what are you waiting for then?” Link asked.
I stared at the water as my boot became wetter. I knew I had to go, so I basically jumped in the river. The current made me panic for I started to float down the river, but I did that whole doggie paddle thing and I was able to get to the other side. When I got close to the shore, I grabbed onto the grass and dug my fingers into the ground. I used the grass and the mud to pull myself up out of the river. While I was doing this, Link just sat there and watched instead of helping me.
I climbed out of the water like a slug and left a trail of water behind me for my clothes were soaked. I got off of my hands and knees and stood up straight. The only thing dry on me was my hat, which I made sure I kept dry since Max was sleeping inside. I faced Link and then turned around to see Lux swimming. He was able to stay strong against the current and he eventually made it over. Once he was jumped out of the water, he shook like a dog and splashed water all over Link and I.
After Lux and I caught our breath, we all headed forward. Around the river’s bend, there were two pillars that seemed to serve as a gate, but the gate was made of three brown rocks. I looked over at Link who had already started to light up a bomb. I grabbed Lux and walked back a little bit as Link threw the bomb. I covered my eyes from the intense explosion of the bomb.
When I uncovered my eyes, I saw the rocks broken and its chunks on the ground. Behind those rocks was a clear path and oddly enough, there were two chickens just walking around towards a corner. We walked over the rock chunks and walked past the pillars. The chickens were making their noise and just hopping around like Link and I didn’t exist.
I looked at the river, which was flowing a bit faster than it was out at Hyrule Field. “How do we get passed this?” I asked and I looked at Link who was also staring at the river. He had a blank, defeated expression on his face.
“Eeeh, you need to get across?” a voice said.
I turned my head towards the direction this voice was coming from and saw a rather fat, bulging man sitting on a fairly tattered old blanket. In between his corpulent legs were what seemed like a bag of potato chips and he was grinding whatever was in there into dust of flavor and he was swallowing them. This was all, reader, at a fast pace.
“Uh, yes sir, we do,” I responded, which caught Link’s attention so he turned to see this man.
“I’ll tell you a secret if you buy one of my seeds here,” the man said lazily. “Actually, you two look young, so I’ll give you a seed for free.”
“Uh, no thank you,” Link said. “Can we just give you money for the secret and all?”
“Eeeh?” the man said rather harshly. “You two don’t know what you’re missing here. You’re the same as that green man and his girlfriend.”
“Green man and his girlfriend?” I said. “What are you talking about?”
The man burped a loud, bubbly sounding burp and said, “Well, there was this couple. The man had a green hue as his skin and the lady was especially skinny and her skin was really tan. She had this hooked nose too. I thought she was very unattractive. I wouldn’t court that witch for one billion rupees.”
“Mmhmm,” Link said. This fat guy complained a lot for someone who was sitting by a quiet, peaceful river. “Anyway, can you tell us how to get across this river please?”
“Well, wait a damn minute,” the guy said right before he shoved more of his snacks in his mouth. “I want you two to have one of my seeds here.”
We watched as the man reach into his bag and handed Link a pod. In this pod were three seeds, one blue, one red, and one yellow. I poked the exposed seeds and they felt very hard. The pod surrounding them was green and squishy.
“What do we do with these?” I asked. I was confused on what the seeds did exactly. I picked up the red seed and was getting ready to eat it, but the fat man shrieked before the seed even touched my lips.
“Don’t eat them!” he thundered. “Put it back in the pod!”
I quickly put the seed back in its original spot and turned to the fat guy. “But, you’re eating them too, aren’t you?” I shouted.
“Why yes, but they’re my seeds, aren’t they?” the guy yelled. “I can do whatever I want with them. Your seeds were just a small gift and I don’t want you to abuse them.”
“Then what the hell do we do with them then?” I snapped.
The fat guy lifted his bulging arms, which wobbled when he moved. His sausage like pointer finger pointed at a light brown plot of dirt. Link and I walked toward it and noticed that it had a small hole in the center.
“Drop the pod in the hole, lad,” the guy said. Link followed the vague instruction and tossed the pod, seeds and all, into the small hole. We watched intently, waiting for something to happen.
“What now?” I asked.
“Shut up, you annoying little shit!” the fat guy bellowed. “Give it a couple seconds.”
I was about to snap back with a shrewd remark, but there was this sudden noise coming from the dirt. Some of the dirt particles moved around, as if something was rumbling them from below. Suddenly, a small, cute sound filled the air and a tiny sprout appeared from the earth. It was a light green color and looked like a pig’s tail protruding from the earth.
“Now what?” I asked cautiously.
“Nothing,” the fat guy said, “that’s it for right now.”
“What do you mean ‘right now?” I asked harshly.
“Well, this plant needs to grow,” the guy said. “You can’t just expect a plant to just grow in a few seconds.”
“It sure sprouted in a few seconds,” I snapped. “Anyway, why didn’t you just plant the damn thing yourself, so you wouldn’t have wasted anyone’s time?”
The guy popped another pod into his mouth and chewed audibly. “I was just too lazy to get up. It’s hard for a fat guy to walk, you know.”
“Oh, whatever,” I said. “Now, can you tell us how to get across this damn river?”
“Oh yeah, I almost forgot,” the guy said. Once again, he raised his flabby arm and used his meat finger to point Link and I to a right direction. He pointed at the two chickens that were carelessly pecking at the ground. “Those chickens there,” he continued, “just pick ‘em up and lay them on your heads. Just hop off this ledge here and they should fly ya across.”
Really? I thought. I didn’t say anything out loud because I knew I would just cause more trouble if I spoke my mind. I just walked over to the chickens with Link and, to my surprise; the little things actually let us pick them up.
As I lifted one over my head, it started to pick gently at my bangs that were poking out of my floppy hat. I looked down at Lux who was watching the chicken. It looked like he was terribly jealous. He put his nose in the air and jumped to the other side of river.
“Rai,” he said impatiently.
Link looked at me, puzzled with Lux’s tone and I just shrugged my shoulders. I was the first to take the jump over to the other side. The chicken flapped its wings furiously to get me over. Once I felt my boots touch the soft, mushy grass of the other side, I sighed with relief. Then, to make Lux happy, I threw the chicken and it flew itself over back to where it was.
Seeing me succeed, Link jumped right off the ledge with absolute confidence. The chickened carried him over with a little more stress than my chicken, because Link was heavier, but only by a small bit. Once he got over, he gently sat the chicken down and looked at me.
“So, I’m assuming that Ganondorf already beat us to the sapphire,” Link said and he began to walk, so I followed.
“Well, it seems like it,” I said as we hopped over another gap. In the middle of this valley, the river branched off. There was a small pond in the middle with stones that created a safe path for Link and I, so that we didn’t have to go into the water.
After a couple of steps, we came to a bridge that seemed rather sturdy. Below us was this purple, raison looking creature that tried to desperately throw rocks at us from its tube like mouth. It was too far down there though, so Link and I were rock free.
After crossing the bridge, we came upon this beautiful area. A waterfall was the source of the flowing river behind us. This area’s land had been masterfully carved, creating a path from the earth that led us up to the waterfall. As we walked up, we felt the cool, small sprinkles coming from the waterfall. It dampened my clothes a little bit, but not enough to get them soak and wet. Lux began to sneeze which I assumed was only because the small sprinkles were going up his nose.
We got to the middle of the path and faced the waterfall. The water was extremely thick, so we knew there was no way we could jump over and go through the waterfall. However, below our feet was a square slab which had the Triforce carved into it. Link took out his ocarina automatically and began to play Zelda’s Lullaby.
When he was finished, he removed the ocarina from his lips and watched the waterfall intently. Nothing was happening and there was an awkward silence between him and I. However, the waterfall began to quiet itself and the water flow wasn’t as intense. The atmosphere was a little bit quieter and the waterfall wasn’t spraying anymore. Only a small flow of water remained. Link looked at me with a nice smile on his face.
“Shall we?” he asked and he held out his elbow, thinking I was going to wrap my arm around it.
“Uh, well, I will,” I said and I rolled my eyes and jumped over. I felt a small, quick splash when I crossed through the waterfall, but I reach solid ground. I turned to Link and Lux. Link had a defeated look on his face while Lux just looked upset. He must have been bummed about having to cross through the waterfall for it seemed water was his biggest annoyance.
“Well, what are you two waiting for?” I asked and I took of my floppy hat and shook Max out of it so I could wring it out. Max fell straight to the ground however, and began to freak out.
“I can’t move!” he shouted. “Oh no, I can’t move. I’m dead! I’ve been killed! Nooooooo!”
I nudged him with the tip of my boot and he started to scream his goddamn head off. When Link jumped to my side, he almost jumped on Max and, of course, Max started to freak out again.
I picked Max up by his small, veiny wings. “Why am I wet?” he shouted at me. “Fairies can’t fly when they’re wet.”
“Oh, shut up,” I said and I shoved the bugger back into my hat. I could feel him rolling around in my hat; throwing a temper tantrum.
Lux finally had the courage to jump over. He hopped over with no problem, but shook all of the water off of his body, which sprayed Link and I.
“Oh, c’mon,” Link said.
I got over that event pretty quickly and walked into the Zora Domain. Link must have not noticed because I heard him jog up behind me a couple of seconds later. I didn’t say anything to him about being slow because this place mesmerized me.
This place was full of water, which was understandable since the Zora race were aquatic fish people. I could see a three down below us on a small platform and they had their legs in the water as they sat and had a chat. The water was a crystal blue color and in the center was a beautiful and quiet waterfall. The domain was basically just a hollowed out mountain, much like Goron City was, but the water made it more majestic.
I took in a breath of fresh air. It smelled peaceful which, unfortunately reader, I cannot describe to you. The smell of peace is a rather relaxing scent and, if you do come across it, I would just give you the advice to take it all in. That’s just what I did and all the stress seemed to melt from my body. All I could hear was the waterfall and the only word that kept popping up in my head was ‘paradise.’
However, one word pushed that word out of my head and it was the sharp bitching of the word, “Hey!”
I came back to Earth and saw Navi in my face. She was yelling hey over and over again so I just grabbed her two, small wings and screamed, “What?”
The thing about screaming in a nice, peaceful place is that what you say is amplified, especially in Zora’s Domain, for my shrill, heated voice bounced off the solid walls and spread throughout the place. I looked around awkwardly and saw the Zoras in the domain all looking at me.
“Uh, sorry,” I shouted. “Now, um, Navi…what did you want?”
“Well, I was just going to say that maybe we should try to find the king,” she said and I could feel her little ball body shaking because her wings were vibrating on my fingertips. “I mean, you know, Ganondorf might be around.”
“Um, yeah yeah, you’re right,” I said and I let go of her little wings. She rushed back into Link’s hat and I could see it shaking at the end. I felt like shit, but I knew I had to shake it off. The fat guy who gave us the useless beans said that he saw someone that sounded like Ganondorf.
We followed the path in front of us and eventually reach some stairs. In front of those stairs was a Zora man. He was tall and wore small, round glasses and he had his nose stuck in a list of some sort. He was rather tall and his scales were an ocean green sort of color, rather than a light blue as most of the other Zoras were.
Being tall, when I approached him I had to look up. “Um, excuse me,” I said.
The Zora moved his parchment from his face and looked straight ahead. He slowly moved his head down to look at me once he realized I was fairly short.
“Oh, you two must be from the king,” the Zora said. “King Zora has been waiting for you two, but we didn’t expect him to send us small midgets.”
“What?” I snapped. “The king sent us?”
“Well the only way you can get in here is by playing the Royal melody, which is only taught to the Royal Messengers,” the Zora said smartly. “I know that and I’m not even Hylian. We just assumed he’d send daring knights, not puny girls.” As he said this, he grabbed Link’s skinny arm and flopped it around.
“I’m not a girl,” he said, but his voice cracked a little, so he had officially lost all manliness that he had.
“And this thing,” the Zora said and he began to reach for Lux.
“Uh, don’t touch him,” I said and I pulled him away. The Zoras were aquatic and what I learned was that electricity and water didn’t go together. “Lux here has a short fuse and he definitely hates when people touch him.”
“Well, pardon me then,” the Zora said sharply. “The King Zora is currently seeing a couple from the desert, but I think he will be okay if you two messengers dropped in.” The Zora turned around and began to walk up the stairs, so Link and I followed.
“Royal messengers,” Link whispered, “why would King Zora need those?”
“Something’s not right here,” I said. “Once we get up there, I’m sure your question will be answered. Just play along that we were sent here by the King of Hyrule, otherwise we might be in trouble.”
Once we reach the top of the stairs, we entered what seemed to be a throne room. In front of us was a small pillar of which Ganondorf and a girl were standing on.
“Um, sire, excuse me,” the Zora said. “There are two Royal Messengers here. King Daphnes must have gotten your letter.”
The girl next to Ganondorf turned around, but Ganon himself just stood still. He knew it was Link and I, but he didn’t want to create a scene. After all, he had to act as a gentleman to convince the Zora king that he and that girl he was with were going to get married.
“Oh thank the Goddesses,” a voice said. The voice was rather deep and blubbery. “Mr. and Mrs. Dragmire, I am awfully sorry, but can you please move from the podium for a few minutes. I would like to speak to these two. Reginald, can you please set these two outside while I speak with these messengers.”
“Yes sire,” the Zora said. He must have been the Reginald that the Zora king addressed.
Ganondorf and his fake fiancée stepped down from the pillar. Ganondorf’s eyes met mine and they locked for a minute. After it got uncomfortable to turn my head so we could stare at each other, I looked forward and saw the Zora king.
The King of the Zoras was a very, very fat individual. He sat on his wall thing and it looked like his blubber was melting down the walls. His small, skimpy legs were dangling on the edge and he had small, nubbly arms.
Link and I walked up to the podium and I just stared at him. It was amazing to see an obese fish thing because, looking at the other Zoras, they seemed extremely fit. This dude was a goddamn train wreck.
“I am so thankful that King Daphnes has sent you,” the Zora king said. “My daughter has been missing for two days now and I don’t know what to do.”
“Your daughter?” Link asked.
Who would want to reproduce with this guy? I thought and the King began to cough. This fat ass wouldn’t stop coughing and it looked like he coughed up a lung or something. However he actually coughed up a small fish which flopped away with the flow of the water.
“Excuse me,” King Zora said. “Anyway, yes. My daughter is missing. She took off when I told her that I thought I found a suitable couple to receive the Zora Sapphire. It’s one of the most wanted engagement stones in Hyrule.”
“Ooh la la,” I said suddenly and in a cute voice. “Well, this boy and I, we’re looking to get married soon.”
King Zora suddenly looked disappointed and said, “So you’re not messengers for the King of Hyrule then?”
“Oh, well I am,” Link said quickly. “This is just my fiancée. It’s, uh-“
“Take your beautiful fiancée to work day,” I spouted. I wrapped my arm around Link’s elbow and put on a cute, girly smile. However, it was killing me on the inside.
“Oh, I wasn’t aware,” King Zora said awkwardly. “I will tell you what, young sir. If you find my daughter and return her safely to me, I shall give you the engagement stone. The couple that would’ve received it will be apologized to, but if you find my daughter, I will be forever grateful and I will give you the stone.”
“Why thank you, sire,” Link said and he bowed. “My fiancée and I are grateful. I will try my best to find your daughter.”
“I would check for my daughter to be somewhere here in the domain, back in the area behind me, or down at Lake Hylia. There’s an entrance to the lake right here in the domain under the water. To use the entrance under the water, I will need to give you a silver scale. It will help you dive deeper in the water.”
“How?” I asked.
King Zora took out the silver scale. The scale was surrounded by a blue aura and the scale itself was a white color, like the scale of a Zora. However, it was shinier than a Zora scale, which was how it got its silver name.
“This scale has some magical power around it,” said King Zora. “This power grants humans the ability to dive deeper, and hold their breath under water a bit longer.”
“Cool,” I said. Back at home, I always loved to swim. I loved the cool rush water gave you when you jumped into a pool during the summer. I wouldn’t mind taking a swim, so I decided to suggest to Link later that we should both split up and I would take the scale to Lake Hylia and leave Lux with him. It would be fun to swim around, but I would still look for King Zora’s daughter of course.
King Zora handed the silver scale to a Zora guard and that guard handed it to Link. He put it in his pocket and thanked King Zora.
“We won’t let you down,” Link said all heroically. “Come now, dear, let us part.” Link grabbed my hand and led me carefully down the small stairs that led off the podium. Reginald led us down the flight of stairs and back to the main floor of the domain. At the bottom stood Ganondorf and his girl, who looked like the generic guards he had running around at the fortress. She was standing there with a depressed look on his face and Ganondorf looked rather pissed off. He had his arms crossed and he was looking at the ground, but once he was aware that Link and I were walking down the stairs, his eye sight shot up to the two of us. He curled his lip and stared at us intently, probably waiting for one of us to trip or something.
“You two may return to the throne room,” Reginald said.
“About damn time,” Ganondorf snapped. “We’ve been waiting forever.”
Reginald put on an annoyed expression, but said nothing. He probably didn’t want to start anything with the young, bitchy couples that came to the domain every day, just so they could get some dumb engagement stone thing.
Ganondorf and his girl started to go up the stairs and Link and I began to leave.
“Good luck, children,” Reginald said and he was waving.
“Thank you,” Link said.
After we had gotten a little bit farther, I ended up wiggling my hand free from his. He held on tight for some reason, so it took a bit of a fight.
“So, can I go to the lake?” I asked after a couple of seconds.
“By yourself?” Link asked.
“Yeah,” I said. “I mean, I can take that scale and-“
“Uh, I want the scale,” Link said.
“But why?” I whined.
“Because, I don’t know what kind of water I will get into down here. I mean, it’s only a quick horse ride across Hyrule without the scale. I might have to do some serious diving in that fountain thing behind King Zora. That’s where the water for Sleepless Waterfall comes from and, seeing as the river is fast, there might be tons of water up there.”
“There might be,” I said, “but Lake Hylia is a lake. That means there will definitely be tons of water there, so I should get the scale by default.”
“No,” Link said sternly. “I’m sure you’ll be fine without it.”
I stared at him with a mean face on, but I knew I was defeated. After a couple of intense staring seconds, I turned around and said, “Well, can you take care of Lux? I don’t think he’ll want to go to a lake. I mean, he hates water.”
“But it’s everywhere!” Link shouted.
“Yeah yeah yeah,” I said and I walked away looking as badass as I could look.
It was an annoying, long journey to Lake Hylia. Those raison looking things shot rocks at me the whole way down the river path. I ended up falling in and had to just follow the flow of the river because I wasn’t able to grab onto any piece of land. After that adventure, I was able to get back to my horse and ride over to the lake. Of course there were these orange, pineapple looking things that had to try and cut me up with their butt blade things, but I did make it to the lake and that was all that mattered.
Lake Hylia was actually pretty big and in the middle was a small island with a big tree. There was a little scarecrow garden to the left and a small house to the right. I walked towards the shore area and took my foot out of my boot. I took off my sock and dipped my big toe in the cool, blue lake water. It felt peaceful and I was about to soak my whole foot in the water when an annoying voice broke the silence.
“’ey, ‘ey you, with the ugly green clothes,” this voice shouted. “Get over ‘ere.”
I turned around to see two scarecrows in the garden rustling around. I wasn’t sure which one was yelling, but I put my sock and boot back on and walked over to the two. They moved around faster as I started to get closer.
“She’s coming over here Steve,” the one of the left said. That scarecrow’s voice was terribly annoying. “She can hear us.”
“Well yeah, Larry,” Steve said. “Everyone can hear us.” His voice was a bit deeper and not as sharp, but it was still annoying.
“You shouldn’t have said that her clothes were ugly,” Larry said. “Girls are very mean when it comes to their look. She gonna burn us.”
“I’m not going to burn you,” I said.
“Holy smokes, she can speak!” Larry said and he began to shake even more.
“Well yeah, you dumb face, she’s a human,” Steve said. “You would expect a human to speak a helluva lot more than you would expect a scarecrow to speak.”
“I didn’t know!” Larry shouted.
“It’s okay Larry, you can calm down,” I said.
“Oh my God, she knows my name!” Larry shouted. “She can read our minds. Quick Steve, don’t think of anything.”
A couple of awkward seconds passed by as Larry shut his eyes, but then he yelled at the top of his lungs, “I can’t do it! We’re dead. Both of us!”
“Sorry about him,” Steve said and I looked at him. “Larry hasn’t been the same since this giant guay stole a small piece of his arm.”
“What’s a guay?” I asked.
“Look above that house,” Steve said. “Those black birds up there are guays. One day, out of nowhere, this gigantic one came out of the sky and took off some of Larry’s arm here. Look, it’s just a little stub now.”
“No, don’t show her,” Larry yelled, “it’s embarrassing.” Larry then stuck out his arms in a way to protect himself, but then he realized that he exposed his stubby arm. It looked like the small nub tail that these dogs back at home had.
“But, aren’t you guys supposed to scare the guays away from this garden?” I asked.
“Yeah,” Steve said. “It’s an easy job, but there are some injuries involved. I had one of my eyes pecked out two years ago. I mean, it was a good view, ‘cause I got to see where my eyeball went. I was stuck in a nest for a couple ‘o weeks, then one of them baby guays finally at my eyeball.”
“Well, Steve,” I said, “this might be a bad time and I’m sorry if I don’t seem concerned, but I’m searching for someone.”
“We see a lot of people here,” Steve said. “Who are you lookin’ for?”
“She’s the Princess of the Zora race,” I said. “I don’t know her name or what she looks like, but I really need to find her.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Steve said. “Sorry though.”
“Steve, it’s talking to me again!” Larry shouted. “The radish is talking to me again! What do I do?!?”
“My father will have you executed for this,” I heard a strident voice say.
I looked over and saw a blue and white head protruding from the earth. It was the head of a Zora and by the sound of its voice, it was a girl. I walked over to it and the face stared at me for a second, but then the mouth on that head went nuts.
“I command you, by the royal decree, that you get me away from these straw bodied killers,” the Zora yelled. “Afterwards, I demand that you burn these two for burying royalty.”
“Are you the Zora princess thing?” I asked.
“My name is Princess Ruto and yes, I am the princess of the Zoras,” the head said. “Now, get me from this place at once.”
“Yeah, hold on,” I said.
“You shall call me Princess,” she shouted.
I got angry and snapped, “Well you can quit yelling in my ear.
“Yeah, quit yelling in ‘er ear,” Steve said.
“Why is everyone shouting!” Larry shouted out loud and he pulled his straw hat over his eyes and whimpered in fear.
“I demand that you get me out of here at once,” Ruto yelled at me. “I want to see my father so I can tell him of your terrible acts.”
“Well, do you want me to just leave you here then?” I asked.
“No,” Ruto said and she put on a pouty face.
“Alright then, let’s get you out,” I said and I got on my hands and knees and started to move the dirt away from her head. She must not have been there for very long because the dirt felt fresh and easy to move. I wasn’t quite sure who buried her, but if the two scarecrows did then I had no idea how they were able to do so.
“Hurry up,” Ruto shouted. “This place is so disgusting and I just want to get back home.”
“Oh, be quiet,” Steve snapped. “Maybe if you wouldn’t have been so rude, we wouldn’t have buried you under there.”
“What!” Larry shouted. “You told me she was a radish that needed to be replanted. I didn’t know she was a living being! Now I feel terrible.”
I was able to get Ruto’s arms out from under the dirt. I began to pull on them and she actually began to slide out fairly easily. After I was able to get most off her body out, she pushed me away and pulled herself up from the earth. She brushed herself off and then put her hand on her hip.
“Thank you,” she muttered under her breath.
“You’re welcome,” I said and then added: “Your father was really worried about you.”
“Humph, don’t speak of my father,” Ruto said. “He is thinking that he will take my mother’s engagement stone and give it to some random couple in Hyrule that think they’re fit enough to receive the precious stone. Ever since my mom passed and he married that new lady, he’s forgotten how special my mother use to be to him.”
“Look,” I said, “I’m not here to listen to your sob stories. We need to get you back to Zora’s Domain. Your father has everyone looking for you.”
Ruto had an annoyed expression on her face and said, “Well, you’re not going to get me to follow you.”
“C’mon, just help me out here,” I said.
“Well, I’ll tell you what,” Ruto said. “You can get me to the domain, but I am not moving from this spot.” Ruto then sat down and crossed her arms. “You won’t get me to walk or budge or anything.”
Where’s Link when I need him? I thought. The only option I had was to pick this girl up and carry her all across Hyrule, which also meant that I needed take the reins of my horse and have him follow, too. I stretched out my arms rather quickly and picked the princess up.
“What are you doing?” she shouted and she began to flail around.
“I’m doing just as you said I could do,” I snapped. “You said that I could take you back, but you would not move from that spot yourself. Therefore I have to pick you up and carry you all the way there. Now, do as you said and cooperate.”
She quit flailing around and sat still. I was able to get her to sit right on the top of my head so she wouldn’t cause any discomfort to me. She wasn’t as heavy as I thought she would be, which was a plus.
Now reader, I would like to spare you of the rather long details of how this all worked out, because it was a long, tedious job and the sun was going down as I reach the Zora River. I can say that I was able to get Lightning safely back to where Epona was and that Princess Ruto was also safely back to the entrance to the Zora Domain.
I just forgot one thing…
To get in, I had to play the ocarina, which was no big deal really. Zelda’s Lullaby wasn’t all that hard, but the problem was getting for it to sound decent. I played Zelda’s Lullaby in front of this waterfall, but for about ten seconds nothing happened.
“Wow, you’re horrible at that thing,” Ruto said smartly.
“Oh, shut up,” I snapped back and I put the ocarina back to my lips for the waterfall was not slowing down.
Then the unthinkable happened. The waterfall began to flow much more quickly and a burst of water pelted Ruto and I. All I was aware of was that I was quickly being rushed down a river and beside me were a bunch of Zoras from the domain. I grabbed on to a random rubber ducky floaty that went by and hung on for dear life.
Getting the Spiritual Stone of Water was going to be a bit harder than I expected…
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