Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Nothing is everything
It was horrible. They weighed me every day, insisting that I had to eat. I tried hard to refuse it but it was so hard. In the end I began to eat again and I watched myself gain weight. And everyday I hated myself that little bit more than yesterday.
Mikey and Mum came to visit me, but Dad was away for work. Nobody had told him about me being in hospital. Mum said it was best not to put stress or worry on Dad before he want away for work. I laughed then. I always had this impression that Dad hated me and didn't care one little bit about me.
Finally though, I was let free from hospital. I went back to school and it began again. The bullying and hatred. But this time, they weren't calling me fat.
"Did you hear, he got put in hospital!"
"Stupid anorexic."
"Gay asshole."
"I'm surprised that loser has any friends!"
I shuddered and tried to ignore it. Those people were so hard to please... They moaned when I was fat but when I lost weight they still hated me. Maybe I needed a new change of image.
The next day came and I spent all of it following round the most popular guy in our school, Pete Wentz. I took note on the clothes he wore, the things he said, what he did at lunch team, even the amount of times he went to the bathroom.
'I have to act like him.' I thought 'Everybody likes Pete... So if I'm more like Pete then surely everyone will like me!'
I looked down at the scribbled notes on my page...
Wearing - Plain Blue Shirt, Blue Jeans, Converse Sneakers (Shoelaces untied)
Girls He Spoke To - Hayley, Amy, Jamie, Lyn-z and Alicia.
The girls part got me thinking... How did he have the courage to talk to them? I had seen him talking to Lyn-z and I had to admit, I was so jealous. I'd always had a crush on Lyn-z even though we had never spoken. She never joined in on the cruel bullying, infact she tried to convince others to stop. But they didn't listen to her.
"When was the first time you and your wife met?"
"Actually, we went to the same High School... We never really spoke to each other much though."
I hate remembering this part. The day I played at being Pete.
That morning I thought I looked amazing in a twin outfit of what Pete had worn the day before. I had everything right down to the last detail. I left my shoelaces untied, un-tucked my shirt, I even did my hair like his. I did something terrible that morning... I cut most of it off. I had done it myself and it looked horrible. But at the time I didn't care. I took some hair gel and styled it so it looked just like the way Pete did his. Now I know it looked terrible, but at the time I thought it looked cool.
Mikey gasped when I came out of the bathroom. He didn't say anything, too scared to offend me. He just walked in silence beside me on our way to school.
People were up front with it at school. Kids started laughing as soon as I entered. I tried to ignore them, telling myself that I looked really cool and they were all jealous... But in my head I knew they were right, I looked a complete and utter twat.
I walked round to the back and saw Pete, Lyn-z, Bert and Alicia smoking by the backgates. Lyn-z and Alicia were best friends, Pete and Bert likewise. They were the most popular, cool kids in the school. I knew I had to be their friend.
I marched over to them, head held high, telling myself that I was brave. That I could do this.
"H-Hey." I stuttered. They turned to look at me and my heart started racing. They didn't laugh, they just looked at me bewildered "Can I have a fag?" I asked, but recieved no answer.
Eventually, Alicia held out the packet. I had never smoked in my life but I tried to look professional as I took it out the packet. I lit it and began to smoke.
I hated it, I knew I hated it but I carried on. I thought this was the start of my popularity.
"So, what are we all up to?" I asked, trying to look casual.
"What the hell are you doing?" Bert finally asked.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, why are you being such a poser?" Bert punched me in the stomach "You're nothing but a big, fat, fucking loser!"
"Bert! Stop!" Lyn-z yelled.
I hate thinking past that. I don't want to remember anymore than I have to. I hate thinking about what Pete said to me, the look in his eyes and his fist connecting with my chin. I try to block it out with Lyn-z's words but they're no comfort either.
"GUYS! STOP! IT'S NOT HIS FAULT THAT HE'S A SOCIAL REJECT!" Was that meant to make me feel better or not?
Mikey and Mum came to visit me, but Dad was away for work. Nobody had told him about me being in hospital. Mum said it was best not to put stress or worry on Dad before he want away for work. I laughed then. I always had this impression that Dad hated me and didn't care one little bit about me.
Finally though, I was let free from hospital. I went back to school and it began again. The bullying and hatred. But this time, they weren't calling me fat.
"Did you hear, he got put in hospital!"
"Stupid anorexic."
"Gay asshole."
"I'm surprised that loser has any friends!"
I shuddered and tried to ignore it. Those people were so hard to please... They moaned when I was fat but when I lost weight they still hated me. Maybe I needed a new change of image.
The next day came and I spent all of it following round the most popular guy in our school, Pete Wentz. I took note on the clothes he wore, the things he said, what he did at lunch team, even the amount of times he went to the bathroom.
'I have to act like him.' I thought 'Everybody likes Pete... So if I'm more like Pete then surely everyone will like me!'
I looked down at the scribbled notes on my page...
Wearing - Plain Blue Shirt, Blue Jeans, Converse Sneakers (Shoelaces untied)
Girls He Spoke To - Hayley, Amy, Jamie, Lyn-z and Alicia.
The girls part got me thinking... How did he have the courage to talk to them? I had seen him talking to Lyn-z and I had to admit, I was so jealous. I'd always had a crush on Lyn-z even though we had never spoken. She never joined in on the cruel bullying, infact she tried to convince others to stop. But they didn't listen to her.
"When was the first time you and your wife met?"
"Actually, we went to the same High School... We never really spoke to each other much though."
I hate remembering this part. The day I played at being Pete.
That morning I thought I looked amazing in a twin outfit of what Pete had worn the day before. I had everything right down to the last detail. I left my shoelaces untied, un-tucked my shirt, I even did my hair like his. I did something terrible that morning... I cut most of it off. I had done it myself and it looked horrible. But at the time I didn't care. I took some hair gel and styled it so it looked just like the way Pete did his. Now I know it looked terrible, but at the time I thought it looked cool.
Mikey gasped when I came out of the bathroom. He didn't say anything, too scared to offend me. He just walked in silence beside me on our way to school.
People were up front with it at school. Kids started laughing as soon as I entered. I tried to ignore them, telling myself that I looked really cool and they were all jealous... But in my head I knew they were right, I looked a complete and utter twat.
I walked round to the back and saw Pete, Lyn-z, Bert and Alicia smoking by the backgates. Lyn-z and Alicia were best friends, Pete and Bert likewise. They were the most popular, cool kids in the school. I knew I had to be their friend.
I marched over to them, head held high, telling myself that I was brave. That I could do this.
"H-Hey." I stuttered. They turned to look at me and my heart started racing. They didn't laugh, they just looked at me bewildered "Can I have a fag?" I asked, but recieved no answer.
Eventually, Alicia held out the packet. I had never smoked in my life but I tried to look professional as I took it out the packet. I lit it and began to smoke.
I hated it, I knew I hated it but I carried on. I thought this was the start of my popularity.
"So, what are we all up to?" I asked, trying to look casual.
"What the hell are you doing?" Bert finally asked.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, why are you being such a poser?" Bert punched me in the stomach "You're nothing but a big, fat, fucking loser!"
"Bert! Stop!" Lyn-z yelled.
I hate thinking past that. I don't want to remember anymore than I have to. I hate thinking about what Pete said to me, the look in his eyes and his fist connecting with my chin. I try to block it out with Lyn-z's words but they're no comfort either.
"GUYS! STOP! IT'S NOT HIS FAULT THAT HE'S A SOCIAL REJECT!" Was that meant to make me feel better or not?
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