FicWad

“Rose, I’m sorry if I upset you. I didn’t think you would jump over the edge like you did. I didn’t know that you hated that picture as much as you apparently do. I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say except for I’m sorry.” He walked away from me. I didn’t want to upset him. I wasn’t going to be my normal pig headed self and just let friendship walk away.

“Gerard,” I called. I half way expected him not to turn at all, just to keep on walking. After what seemed like forever he turned back to me. He wasn’t looking at me like he usually does. His eyes were filled with pain and his jaw was locked to the side. I hadn’t ever seen this side of him or at least not when he was talking to me. I wanted to shoot myself for making him feel this pain.

“Please don’t go. I’m sorry.” I felt like I was trying to patch up the holes from a serious break up.

Gerard started to walk my way. I let out a breath that I didn’t know I had been holding in. He wouldn’t say anything at all. The silence that overcame us was getting very annoying. I looked around the lawn expecting to see my family and MCR. It was empty except for Gerard and me.

Gerard still wouldn’t speak to me. I wouldn’t look into his eyes, they held to much pain and sorrow in them. I wished they would have just held selfishness in them. That way I couldn’t blame myself and I couldn’t back away from a fight. I felt a tear go down my cheek and a finger wipe it away. I looked up to see Gerard looking intently but he still wouldn’t speak to me.

“Please speak,” I begged.

“What do you want me to say?” he questioned.

“Anything, I just don’t want you to hate me.”

“I don’t hate you. I just don’t understand why you threw such a fit.”

“Because Gerard, I hate pictures of me when I was younger so I didn’t want you to have it.”

“Then why didn’t you just say that?” he asked.

“I did, you ignored me.”

“We were both wrong. I should have listened to you and you shouldn’t have thrown a fit about it.”

“Right, we were both wrong.” I said before I started to walk toward the front door. I felt soft hands help support me. “Thanks,” I mumbled.

When we entered Lilly was sitting on the couch with her bags packed. She stood and ran over and hugged me. Gerard backed away and went to sit with the rest of the band. I walked into the dining room were my Mother was. Lilly had wanted to stay with the guys. If I didn’t know better I would say that Lilly had a crush.

“Hey,” I said as I sat down.

“How’s your ankle?” She asked, not taking her eyes off of the book she was reading.

“It hurts but it’s starting to feel better. I’ll put some ice on it when we get in the bus. I think I just twisted it a little bit.”

“How are Gerard and you?”

“What do you mean?”

“Are y’all getting along now?”

“Oh, yeah we are. Its fine don’t worry about it.”

“You do know that he likes you right?” She finally took her eyes off of her book.

“What are you talking about Mom?” I asked.

“I thought you would have known. I can tell he likes you. He likes you a lot. Don’t you see the expressions on his face?”

“Mom, I don’t know what you are talking about. Gerard does not like me.”

“The way he looks at you and the way he’s always making sure you’re ok. He won’t take his eyes off of you for 5 seconds. When y’all were having that argument his eyes were full of regret and pain. That boy likes you. Actually he may love you. I don’t know how you wouldn’t be able to see it.”

“Mom, you’ve got it wrong. He couldn’t love a girl like me.” I honestly didn’t know what she was talking about. He couldn’t love me, he just couldn’t. Even if he did, I don’t think I would be able to believe it no matter how much I wanted it to be true.

“What do you mean a girl like you? You are gorgeous, sweet, cute, and you have the most amazing personality that I have ever seen. You’re a shooting star.” Her eyes were glowing after she said this. My mom has always had this vision of me getting married and having kids and being a little house mom. I think she would give anything to see it actually come true. She was always looking for the slightest bit of a chance that someone could love me.

“Mom, I’ve found enough. I don’t think I’ve been good enough to find two things at once. I’m living my dream career. I can’t be cool enough to fall in love too.”

“But sweetie, it’s not your choice whether or not a man falls in love with you. It is your choice whether or not you choose to fall in love with him.”

“Mom I’m telling you don’t get your hopes up. You won’t be seeing any little grandkids from me anytime soon. Lilly may have kids before me; which that’s pretty freaky.”

“Think what you want to think but I’m telling you that he loves you. A mother knows everything.” She finished. The problem was when it comes to my mom she does know everything. I just don’t think she knows this one little thing.

Just then I felt a certain little someone pulling on my arm signaling that it was time to go. Lilly was bouncing up and down trying to get my attention. I got up from the seat and started to follow Lilly out. My mom followed me. Everyone was standing by the door waiting to go. I could hear sniffles from my mom while we were walking out the door.

I hugged her then whispered into her ear, “It’s going to be okay mom. I’m going to be coming back in like 2 or 3 weeks and staying for a week.”

“I know sweetie. And when you do find out he loves you I want you to know you have me and your dad right behind you. He is so sweet. You two would look adorable together.” She whispered back.

“Ok mom thank you. I love you so much.”

“I love you too sweetie now you better go.” I kissed her one more time and went to hug my dad. Lilly said her goodbyes too then we were off. We were all on the same bus since Lilly had become really good friends with Ray, Bob, Frank and Mikey. It was hilarious they would start talking about one thing and be completely kidding but she believed them so we were using that to our advantage.

She would barely even hang out with me; she was having too much fun with her new friends. Gerard and I didn’t even talk to each other. In fact we were on complete opposite sides of the bus. He was in his bunk while I was sitting with the rest of the guys and Lilly writing songs. I really wanted to talk to Gerard.

I hated being this distant with him but I just couldn’t bring myself to go and find him. Every time I would start to get up I thought of a reason to sit right back down. He’s thinking, he may be asleep, we could get on even worse terms, he may be reading a book. I finally drew the line after the last one. I doubted very seriously that he would be reading a book right now. Well, unless it was a comic book then maybe we can talk.

I finally got tired of procrastinating and started to walk off to the back of the bus. I heard Ray teasing me. “So are you finally going to go check up on your lover boy?”

“Yes Ray, I guess I am. Now Lilly you guys better not start gossiping while I’m gone.” I saw Lilly smile and start laughing. I turned around and continued to keep on walking to the back. I had no clue what I was going to say all I knew is that I was not going to let unfinished business lay rested. I did not want to lose a friend.

When I walked into the room I could hear Gerard saying something to me. “Leave me alone Mikey. I’m fine ok, just leave me the fuck alone.”

I could have thought about a thousand sarcastic things to say but I didn’t. Sarcasm is the last thing we could use right now. “It’s not Mikey it’s me.” My voice was barely over a whisper and it was croaky.

“Oh I’m sorry.” He sat up in the bed and looked at me. He looked like living hell.

“Is everything alright?”

“Yeah it’s fine. Why aren’t with the guys and Lilly?”

“Same reason you aren’t.” I said.

“I’m fine ok. I’m just thinking.”

“About?” I prompted.

“Stuff; just stuff,” Gerard said in a monotone.

“What kind of stuff?”

“Important kind,” he continued.

“We’re not getting anywhere with this. I’m sorry for the way I acted earlier I was just really upset ok. I don’t want you to apologize for anything because you didn’t do anything wrong. I’ve been thinking about it and it was just me being me.”

“It’s not even that really I’m just thinking about a whole lot of stuff. I’m confused that’s all. I’m not mad at you.”

“Well, if that was true then why do I see pain in your eyes?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He seemed to be trying to look away from me.

“I’m talking about the fact that I hurt you and I didn’t mean to. I hate it, I absolutely hate being able to look at you and know that I made you feel pain. Friends don’t do that to friends.”

“You didn’t hurt me. I’ve just been thinking about some things.”

“How can you deny it when I know I did it to you? Why else would you not be talking to me? Why else would you seclude yourself away from everybody else? Why else would you be so angry? Why aren’t you screaming at me? Why aren’t you telling me you’re furious with me instead your just keeping it bottled up inside.” I was almost screaming at him. Not because I was mad at him but because I was wanting him to talk to me. I wanted him to get happy again. I wanted us to be friends again.

“Rosemary I don’t know what you want me to do. I’m not screaming at you because I don’t want to scream at you.”

“Then why aren’t you acting like yourself?” I knew that I had caused it. I just wished he would talk to me about it. I was so angry and upset with myself that I started to cry. The tears started falling so thick that I couldn’t control.

Gerard crushed me to his chest were I just cried and cried. He smelled of fresh cologne. I wished I could have stayed there for hours upon hours because I felt safe with him; his arms holding me in a tight embrace as if he would never let anything get to me. When I finally did look up at him all the bad emotions had been washed away from his face. His normal sparking eyes were back on. That grin that made my stomach do flips was politely plastered on his face. And the loving attitude that he always had was still in place.

“I’m sorry.” I said again.

“Don’t be.” He coaxed. After a while of just sitting there we finally got up. He helped me get to the living room since I was still kind of off balance. My ankle had basically stopped hurting except for the occasional pain from when I used it to much. I had horrible balance if I stayed off of it for too long.

I’m not sure if we completely solved the problem but one thing was for sure. I definitely felt better. When we went in the living room the guys were apparently teaching Lilly how to play rock band. She was doing pretty well for a beginner.