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• Serpent Souls, Merged as One

  (#) Elia950 2010-08-05

  the chapter is good >.<
  tough i admit i'm not very happy with adding hermione..
  
  don't misunderstand.. i like hermione a lot! but i was actually hoping for a pure Harry\Daphne story that has something new.. and this was it çç and now there is hermione..

• Serpent Souls, Merged as One

  (#) Vanir 2010-08-05

  I continue to be interested. You didn't make a whole lot of the main characters in this chappie, but the illusion gag got us to know some of the supporting cast in a lovely way. The Goblin magic was a bit too pat for my liking, but it did clear the way for rapid developments. I'm staying tuned.
  
  Vanir

• Serpent Souls, Merged as One

  (#) pazed 2010-08-06

  This is pretty entertaining so far, if very fast-moving. Hope you have an actual plot in the works.
  
  My picky comment is - please please please put some time into figuring out "who" Vs "whom". The frequent incorrect use of "whom" gets very irritating, I think it's been wrong every time you've used it.
  
  The rest of your writing is rather good, particularly your dialogue; so, apart from hoping you can overcome that one bad habit, I look forward to more of a fun story. Thanks for writing ... p

• Serpent Souls, Merged as One

  (#) Cateagle 2010-08-06

  So you've shifted Hermione's birthday? I believe it's September 19 in canon. Of course, that could be a error on the records as much as anything.
  
  It will be interesting to see just what effects a three-way bond creates. I'm thinking that their combined power will be multiplicative rather than just additive.
  
  That was a nice touch with the illusion and I'm certain that's not the last woe to befall the Dursleys.
  
  Nice mini-cliffie at the end and I'm looking forward to seeing the rest of what Harry can do as well as what Daphne and Hermione have the potential for. One thing for certain, Harry won't be a slacker while bonded to them.
  
  The stry is a fun read and I'm looking forward to seeing where you take it and who gets gored along the way.

  Author's response

  thanks for pointing out the error, I've now corrected it in all three places it was posted.
  
  The bond actually doesn't boost their magical power in this story, more they gain certain abilities. That ability, for them, is Parselmagic. The thing about Parselmagic is that it makes spells a lot stronger than they would when cast by a normal wizard.
  
  Oh, I should have mentioned the illusion is going to last an extremely long time.
  
  Are you kidding? With those two around, he'll be pretty much horsewhipped.

• Serpent Souls, Merged as One

  (#) dennisud 2010-08-06

  I was rooting for either Hermione or Luna Lovegood but either would have given harry a good understanding of Logic or the magical world's oddities eitherway. Still I see how this will go and am anticipating them going to Hogwarts and see what bumbles Sniveling and Tommyknocker will react to the bond!
  
  P.S. I suggest allies would quickly come up if the Trio would knock the three holier than thoughs on their arses!
  
  ;-)
  

  Author's response

  I would think Snape is going to make a remark at Hermione or Daphne in first Potions class and Harry'll knock him on his can.

• Serpent Souls, Merged as One

  (#) Aelfwine 2010-08-06

  Glad you've finally brought in Hermione. You've been saying you would all along, so I don't see why anyone should be complaining about this.
  
  I'm not sure what I think of changing Hermione's backstory to the point of making her an orphan, but this does mean that Harry will have somebody who understands very well some essential experiences in his life--in a sense, this gives Hermione some of the ability to reach Harry that Luna has in canon. And it surely does give you a way out of the difficult issue of convincing her parents.
  
  I like what Christopher and Michael did at the Dursley house--it's an effective and appropriate revenge, much better than simply killing them. Who knows, Dudley could even be scared enough to wisen up and turn out a decent human being, or at least a better man than his father.
  
  You're doing nicely here, all in all, but the one thing I'd really say is that you need to take some more chances to _show_ us the threesome's feelings for each other; you've _told_ us plenty, but so much of your action has centred on the adults and their doings that the facts of the bond have become largely something that we _know_, rather than something that we _feel_.
  
  I don't mean that you need to change any of your overall plot, and I certainly don't mean that your adult characters should have less screen time than they've had, but you'd do well to give us more scenes where Harry and Daphne and Hermione are either alone together or are engrossed in each other to the exclusion of whatever their parents and/or aunt and uncle are doing. This would do the same job as your paragraph telling us about how their bond settles over the next few days, but it would increase the emotional impact of the fic and your audience's belief in and feelings for your characters.
  
  I'm not trying to write your fic for you, as I've too many of my own to write already, but I'll give you a few examples of the sort of scenes you could write to give us this visceral understanding:
  
  -Hermione's complex mixture of surprise, delight, shock and/or terror at finding out on the first night that she has to sleep with Harry and Daphne, and how they comfort and reassure her.
  
  -Bathing. Do they bathe together or separately? If separately, you can show us the discomfort of even a brief separation, and how quickly they hurry to get done so they can be back together. On the other hand, if they bathe together, there's all sorts of possibilities. Not for the sort of sexuality that's neither appropriate or believable for children of ten and eleven, mind, but for fear, curiosity, resolute attempts to _not look_, and awkward tenderness as they scrub each others' backs or wash each others' hair.
  
  -Daphne and Hermione brush and plait each other's hair and teach Harry to do for them. All kinds of possibilities here, as with dresses that have zips or ties in the back.
  
  -The threesome play (physical games like tag or hide and go seek, card games like exploding snap, or board games) or read books together. You've all sorts of opportunity for comedy when they realise how hard it is to hide or keep secrets from each other, even in play. It's good to remind your audience that they are still children, despite their bond.
  
  -Shopping trips are a bit of a cliché in fanfic right now, because of all the fics where some responsible adult gets Harry decently kitted out, but taking Hermione on a shopping trip would be a new wrinkle. The children's interaction could be interesting, as could others' reactions to them. You could have Daphne teasing Harry and Hermione about how he should help them pick out underwear, or show us a shopclerk's surprise at how interested Harry is in getting Hermione the right clothes.
  
  Please don't take this as a flame--I really do like what you're doing here, and I'm looking forward to reading more of this story.

  Author's response

  The next chapter is over Christmas, I can probably fill it with child fluff of the sort you've detailed. Thanks for the advice; I relish it from fellow authors.

• Serpent Souls, Merged as One

  (#) rdgale2000 2010-08-06

  I am currently enjoying all three of your stories and hope your muse returns so you can continue with the others.
  
  I do have a question regarding this chapter... In it you state that the three had grown closer together, and that by Christmas had given new meaning to “harmony”. So, are they already at Hogwarts?
  
  What did Dumbledor do when he found out about the bond?
  
  What house were they sorted into?
  
  I doubt they would be in different houses since they are bonded.
  
  Or was this just a 'preview' as to things that were going to come about?
  
  I wish you well in your writing.
  
  I look forward to your next chapter(s).
  
  rdgale

  Author's response

  ?
  
  what gave you the idea that they were already at Hogwarts? they're still only ten.

• Serpent Souls, Merged as One

  (#) keichan2 2010-08-07

  Argh... Hermione in an orphanage might be making things easier for them, but I'm sad for Hermione (to become an orphan at 8 years old :-( )
  
  Note: I find it interesting that you chose to manifest the "morning illness" as during pregnancy, to indicate a bond forming... I wonder what a father's reaction would be if his 14 or 15 years old daughter were to start bonding ;-p
  
  I wonder if you will have Hermione test for a vault...
  
  I hope to read more soon!
  

• Serpent Souls, Merged as One

  (#) LordMesron 2010-08-09

  I am really enjoying this story, along with you other 2 stories.
  
  I have no problem with having Hermione as the third bonded, as I thoroughly enjoy H/HR stories, as well as H/Hr/others.
  
  I wonder what would show up if the goblins did the inheritence test on the two girls.
  
  I jope you post more soon, for this story as well as the other two stories.

• Serpent Souls, Merged as One

  (#) Cateagle 2010-08-09

  Well, "horsewhipped" isn't exactly the adjective I'd use. I think "properly and enthusiastically incentivized" would be a suitable term; there are other more direct and cruder ones applicable; OTOH, with properly application of "more carrot than stick", it could be quite pleasureable for all concerned.

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