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I shot up in bed gasping heavily as the familiar feeling washed over Me.

Fear.

I hopped up as fast as I could and ducked under the bed, looking for the knife.

It wasn't there. Any minute He would grab My ankles and the FUCKING KNIFE WASN'T THERE.

"Julie?"

I froze. Mikey?

"Julie come back to bed" Mikey whispered into the dark.

I slowly wiggled my way out from underneath the bed and looked up to See Mikey looking down at Me.

"Please?" He begged.

That's right. I was home. I thought back to that day that Mikey saved Me.

~~~

"I don't think We need to bother with the paperwork. It seems pretty clear to Me what happened. He killed Anna, made it look like suicide knowing You would rush home to find out what happened, then kidnapped You to satisfy His own needs. When You killed Him it was Self defence right?"

I looked around the room, anywhere but the familiar cop sitting in front of Me.

I was wearing the clothes that HE had left behind in the bathroom, and it was making Me sick.

I fiddled with the bandages on My leg. I wish She would stop trying to get answers out of Me.

The room was too small, far too small.

I jumped as Someone touched My arm, and as soon as I did I wished I hadn't. It was just Mikey trying to reassure Me.

"I-I need out of t-this room" I shook.

"You seem really traumatized, are You sure I can't get You anything-"

"She wants out of this room! get it through Your head and make it happen!" Frankie panicked over My shoulder.

"There is just one more thing. The knife-"

I looked down at the blood stained instrument that was My savior.

"-We need it for the evidence locker"

I glared at the girl across the desk from Me.

She didn't look so tough. With this knife I could reach across and-

"The knife is Hers. Deal with it" Frankie growled.

The cop pursed Her lips. There really wasn't anything that She could do. She could traumatize Me more by trying to take the knife by force, or She could do nothing.

"Keep an eye on Her. These next few hours are critical. You are all free to go" She said as She slouched in the chair.

I stood up and walked out the door, not waiting for the others.

"Julie!"

I turned to look at Frankie. I had just reached the door to the outside world and He was stopping Me.

Frankie raced over to Me and took My hand.

"We are going to be okay" He said as He squeezed My hand.

I pushed the door open with My other hand, still holding the knife.

~~~

"Another bad dream?" Mikey asked as I crawled back onto the bed.

"It's always the same. Just as He is about to..force Himself on Me, I headbutt Him, roll under the bed and grab the knife. But the knife isn't there- where is it Mikey?" I whispered.

"Sorry Julie, I had to put it somewhere else- You slashed Me with it once, remember?" Mikey reminded Me as He lifted His right arm.

Even though it was dark I could still make out the thin ruby line against His skin.

"Come on, lets go back to sleep" Mikey said as He gently pulled Me into His warm arms and placed My head on the pillow.

~~~

I woke up the next morning and found that Mikey was gone.

I could hear a conversation in the next room, so I carefully got out of bed and listened at the doorway.

"She's still having the nightmares?" Ray asked.

"She isn't the only one" Frankie mumbled.

"Maybe You two should see someone?" Bob asked gently.

"No. We would never agree to it. No, this is just going to take some time" Frankie replied.

I opened the door and walked out.

"Hey Julie, are You hungry?" Ray asked nicely.

I shook My head no.

The shake of My head caused My eyes to fall on Sadie's bowl.

"Shit Mikey I told You to get rid of that" Gerard exclaimed as He watched where I was looking.

I hadn't meant to- but She bounded up to see Me, and the knife was in My hands.

I started to cry again.

I'm a monster.

"You are not a monster" Frankie replied as He walked over to Me and enveloped Me in a hug.

"I need some air" I whispered into His tear stained shirt.

Frankie let go of Me and I walked into the hallway, thinking of talking to Gerard.

A minute later and Gerard was in the hallway with Me.

"You beckoned?"

"I need something" I whispered.

"Something?" Gerard prompted.

"To keep Me asleep at night. I want the drug He gave Me, or something similar. I want to be sedated" I said as I stared into Gerard's hazel eyes.

"No."

My eyes widened in shock. No?

"I won't let You go down that path. It's too dangerous" Gerard replied, walking casually over to Me.

"You want Me to hurt Your brother again?" I sobbed.

"You are going to get over this. But drugs aren't the answer" Gerard whispered as He pulled Me into a hug.

I sniffed, pulled Myself out of the hug and walked back into the apartment.

"So, it's a week until Christmas- has everyone got everything for everyone else?" Bob babbled.

"I haven't had a chance yet" I replied, standing in the corner of the room where no one could sneak up on Me.

"I'll take You out" Mikey said as He walked over to Me.

"No, I'll take Her out" Frankie growled.

"I'm taking Her out. End of discussion"

Frankie and Mikey turned to look at Gerard who was already holding My hand.

"I..I need the..." I couldn't finish the sentence.

I needed the knife to go out with.

Bob and Ray exchanged identical looks of fear as Gerard walked into My room and back out with the knife.

"Mikey is a lousy treasure hider" He said as He walked back towards Me, Mikey glaring at His brother.

I reached a hand out to it but Gerard tucked it away in His jacket.

"Where are You going to hide it on that stick of a body of yours?" He grinned.

He took My hand and walked out the door with Me.

~~~

"I don't like this" I said as I watched the others gift wrap. I had the sense to do it a couple of months ago.

"Don't like what?" Frankie asked as He attempted to put sticky tape on a poorly wrapped present, only to sticky tape His face.

"Why would Gerard all of a sudden take Julie out?" I thought out loud.

"Maybe because Gerard went through some stuff too that I don't know, He feels that He needs to baby sit Julie...in case..." Bob replied, not wanting to finish the sentence.

"You think She would turn to self harming?" Mikey asked, concerned.

"No. Maybe more along the lines of drugs and alcohol. And since Gee has already been there-"

"-He would be able to see the signs that would point out if She was going to take something or not" Frankie finished My sentence.

I nodded.

"Merry fucking Christmas" Mikey whispered sarcastically as He put a bow on the present He had just finished wrapping.

~~~

"Where to now?" Gerard asked.

"I don't know what to get for Mikey" I replied.

"Anything that isn't serrated would be a good choice"

I rolled My eyes.

At least Gerard was treating Me normally. The others just looked panicked and worn out when I made eye contact with them.

"Is everyone scared I will hurt them?" I asked as We walked into Hot Topic.

"No. They just want You to be alright up here" Gerard said as He ruffled My hair.

I slapped His hand away playfully and half smiled.

"I feel like I can't be close to Mikey, no matter what I do. Is there something I'm doing wrong?" I asked as I checked out hoodies.

"He has sleep deprivation from Your nightmares. The kid needs to sleep a bit more. And no, I won't supply You with a tool to help that along"

I pouted. I was just about to ask again.

"You WILL find a way to work all of this out. But I can't give You what You think You need. It's not worth the sleep" He smiled.

"There's nothing here that I can see for Mikey. I'll just make Him something" I sighed as We walked out of the store, only to pass a lingerie store.

"Uh Gerard- what about in there" I pointed to the lingerie store.

"Really? for Mikey?"

I nodded.

"Lucky little SOB. Wish Frankie would do something like this for Me" Gerard sighed as We walked in.

~~~

"How was shopping?" Frankie asked.

"It was good, now I just need to relax a bit" I smiled as I walked over to an empty chair and sat down.

Gerard moved back into My room, placing the knife where it was and coming back out.

"You mean You don't need to wrap?" Ray asked.

"I had all My wrapping done at the stores- I suck when it comes to sticky tape"

"Oh You HAVE to see THIS!" Bob exclaimed as He bounded over with His phone and handed it to Me.

"Frankie....is that sticky tape on Your lip?" I asked.

"I didn't know where it went" Frankie pouted.

A few seconds later everyone was laughing, including Me.

I looked over at Mikey.

He was smiling so hard it looked like He was going to burst.

Ray and Bob were on the floor hugging each other from laughing too hard.

Gerard stood at the door, smiling but not laughing.

Frankie nudged Me and I nudged back.

Maybe I was going to be okay after all.