FicWad

Ch 10: A declaration of intense feelings

As I sat under the bridge of the wash I couldn't help but bite my nails until they bled and burned. "Matt?" Mello said resting a hand on my shoulder, I shook it off and continued to bite my nails loving the burning sensation. I didn't know why I called Mello, why bother? I wasn't in the mood to play with him, mess with his body and see that perfect face in intense pleasure. So why bother?

I stopped biting my nails, how sinful was I? Did I just say, that I only needed his body. I looked down into the wash at the sandy ground with random rocks. "matt?" Mello said and I looked at him and I felt tears in my eyes. "I'm so sorry," I said and pulled him to me laying my head on his chest. Mello wrapped his arms around my head running hands through my red hair, "why are you sorry? Your mom is the one that doesn't know the real you," Mello said and I shook my head and kissed his bruised chest.

"No Mello I am a horrible person, and I truly wish that I was better. So that I could say that I deserve you," I said and Mello lifted my head kissing me lightly on the lips. "Matt, your the best, you don't have to say your a horrible person, we have both done things were not proud of. But you take care of me, you took care of me remember? you kicked some ass and no one has ever done that for me. Not even Gabby had the courage to stand up to a group of boys who bullied me. But you came along and it was nothing for you, kicking ass is just what you do." Mello said and smile on his face and I ran a hand through his blonde hair.

I gave a slight smile, "I can't help it, your just so fucking beautiful." I said and a slight blush crossed his face. I sat up from Mello my mood lightened up not having an emotion towards Mello's body. "So, what do you wanna do?" Mello said stretching his legs out crossing them, I raised an eyebrow. "Not sure, but, do you mind?" I said as I pulled out some cigarettes, and Mello shrugged. Though I've never seen Mello directly smoke, I knew by fact that he was addicted to the smell, I pulled out one lighting it and breathing in the toxic smoke.

Mello watched as I smoked away my life, not really caring if it gave me cancer. "Hey," Mello said and I looked over at him pulling the cancer stick from my mouth. "Hm?" I said as Mello sat in my lap, "let me try," he said and reached for the cigarette, I of course complied whatever Mello wanted, he got. He took the cigarette from me lifting it to his lips. Something must be wrong with me because once he took a drag his body looked so damn hot.

Mello gave a slight cough looking at me leaning down breathing smoke at my face. "Rude?" I questioned and he shook his head kissing me. I smiled against his lips tasting the sweet taste of tobacco. Mello pulled away taking another drag from the cigarette the slight cough revealing itself. "Do I still look good smoking though I cough?" He said giving it back to me knowing he couldn't pull of directly smoking. I laughed, "you looked more then good you looked hot," I said giving him a flashy grin.

Mello rolled over laying on the ground, "so like I said, what do you wanna do?" he asked and I shrugged again, "A.M P.M?" I said and Mello stood up, "course, what's better then gas station food?" He said, and I put out the cig standing up next to Mello.


Three weeks later

I wonder how horrible I looked, dressed in a gray stripped shirt and black slacks. not something I normally wear mostly because I don't go to funerals to much. I sighed as I looked at my cousin Elizabeth who sat in the same thing her shirt darker then mine, "they said your suppose to talk today." Elizabeth said as she held Kai who was dressed in a small suit. "yeah, I guess I am," I said looking down then I went to her taking my younger brother. Knowing that My father and brother wouldn't touch the baby we took him in. I didn't mind it, he was after all my baby brother.

I sighed as I held the baby rocking him back and forth for a moment as he clutched to my shirt. "Mal, ELizabeth!" I heard my uncle call as we left my room ready to leave to the cemetery where I'd say my last goodbyes to my mom.

I stood there behind everyone as others talked about stories they had with my mom. And all I could think was what bull shit they were portraying. "She was such a good person", "She was the nicest person I ever met," "she always loved her children." I honestly had to stop myself from laughing, why would anyone lie about her? She never deserved it, "And now, her second son Mal will talk." The priest said as I swallowed my pride and walked down the aisle everyone whispering and talking.

"I hear that her son ran away, put a lot of stress on the poor dear." One said and clutched my hands, lies, all lies she told me to leave. "I also heard that he put so much stress on her by being a trouble maker." Another said and I Took the stand looking at the people in front of me. I kept my scowl as I forced my mouth open, "my mother...was...a interesting women." I begun hearing some people clear there throats and I felt my chest tightened.

I felt anxious like something was going to happen and I swallowed again, "u-um, she-she-she was, um," I heard my father clear his throat as I looked over at him. Seeing the anger in his eyes and I began to labor breathe. I didn't know what to say anymore, what where lies? What was I suppose to say? I looked back at the people as I began scratching at my neck feeling the need to smoke.

"I hear that he was a no good drug addict, that would explain his mother's stress," I heard one whisper and I slammed my hand down on the stand. "Shut, the fuck up," I said pointing at the women who commented. "Because you know what? My mother? She was a cold hearted bitch who hate my guts, want to know why she hated me? It wasn't because I was a drug addict, but because I was myself. Because I was born Mal Mathew Jeevas, thats what she hates me." I said and people stared surprised at my actions. "Mal," I heard my uncle say standing up, "No sit your ass down! People are going to learn that lying for my mother won't do any good. My mother was a stupid bitch who hated five year olds, and watched her middle son be beaten daily by her husband. She enjoyed watching a five year old in pain no she didn't just enjoy it, She FUCKING LOVED IT."

I said and finally my uncle put a hand on my shoulder, "come on mal," he said and shrugged it off. "Don't give me that, you know it's true they all know it is, there just to pussy to say it so I will. I am fucking happy that my mother is fucking burning in hell, and I will go to sleep tonight and dream about her burning in hell." I said so smugly, of god it felt so fucking good. "Security!" I heard my father said as he grabbed me throwing me to the ground.

I tensed the smugness gone now, now it was fear, I looked at my father with terror as I saw the security guard come into the room picking me up. "N-no," I said struggling against his grip, "Let me the fuck go!" I yelled at the bulky man as I kicked and screamed like a child. Only feeling a intense pain in my arm I tried crying out as my body went numb. I fell to the ground my mind slipping.

I awoke with a start as I looked around the hospital room, my chest felt tight my body sore, "t-the hell?" I said fear in my head as I sat up feeling anxiety creeping into my head. "Calm down mr. Jeevas," A doctor told me, "You were having an mood swing at your mothers funeral. It is very common with people like you with Borderline Personality disorder." She said sitting in a chair next to the bed. "W-What?" I said utterly confused, "You see no one had you checked for Borderline Personality disorder mostly because it usually only happens to people over eight-teen. But It became apparent when you made a scene at the funeral." She explained and i looked around the room. "What is this disorder?" I asked looking at the girl.

"It's a disorder for emotionally unstable people. When you have those sudden panic attacks or anxiety and you act without thinking that's you being unstable. You also probably do things that are self-harmful, like unprotected sex, or...drugs," she said and I looked away, "oh great so I am a crazy ass, that's fucking wonderful." I said and the doctor shook her head, "No, no, not like that, your just a little confused and i'm going to give you some medicine and you should mellow out." She said and she filled out a prescription paper.

I leaned back and cover my eyes, I was fucking insane, and I said all those things about my own mom. I smiled to myself, even though I'd probably go to hell and be with my mom when I died. But even though I enjoyed ever minute of saying those things.

Author note: Well I had to do a paper on the disorder and as I researched it I was like "Oh jeez thats matt for sure.