Categories > Anime/Manga > Inuyasha
Reviews
All I Ask of You
(#) Ithilwen 2006-05-07
It's "woo Sango" or "win Sango's heart."
There's one great thing about fanfiction -- the readers already know what the characters look like. You don't need to tell us that Miroku has violet eyes unless that's somehow important to the story, ambiance or otherwise.
Would they, people of that age, consider Kaede's hut "quaint"?
Heh. I doubt Miroku could have the patience to keep up that alternative. I wonder if he's using it as an excuse to get certain attributes at eye level.All I Ask of You
(#) darkener14 2006-05-07
Kaede is a miko I'm sure that she is not rich or will take to liking expensive things. Besides, this one-shot is just to pass the time between for my Legacy - Rise and Fall of the Western Lands, I haven't primped it or done anything fancy to it, like grammar checking. ;)All I Ask of You
(#) InuKag 2006-05-10
hhaha, its a cute idea... and i like it... but there are some issues, you dont need to explain what he looks like when it doesnt have anything to do with setting the mood... Readers who read these fan fictions, normally know what the characters look like. I'm sure that he wont be able to keep up the hand kissing charade for too long... its just not miroku's style. he's a lecher... and he will probably never change.
but i did think it was cute.All I Ask of You
(#) kirayasha 2007-01-04
Sorry, I've gone into beta-mode here... I've found a couple of typos:
This "from the rain pouring" would read better if you wrote "from the pouring rain"
"sitting ideally under..." I think you mean "sitting idly.." here.
Another thing, Sango always calls Miroku "Houshi-sama"
This "that his hair had already become wet" should be "that his hir was wet"
Instead of calling Kaede's hut "quaint" you should try using another adjective, perhpas something like "small."
And lastly, go back & fix your spacing. While this was a shorter story, it was still hard on the eyes as it appears like one big block of text rather than paragraghs.
But other than that it wasn't a bad story! It ahs very good bones to it & with a few tweaks here & there I'll bet you'll get more reviews!
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