FicWad

BABETTE
Gerard and I’s relationship had become a turbulent, fiery, venomous mess. When things were good, they were great. The band was successful and going on mini-tours around Boston, Chicago, New York, and Jersey. I would follow them around to their venues, and occasionally ride in the Rent-A-Van Helena had gotten them so that they could tour. But when things were bad, they were awful. Gerard and I would scream at each other in public, embarrassing not only us, but also the people around who had to explain our behavior. Gerard was usually drunk all day long and I was so afraid of getting a call saying that he was dead or in the hospital that I felt I like I had to go on tour with them. I got annoyed with “baby-sitting” Gerard and fights would break out between us.

Mikey took our fighting hardest out of everybody, being Gerard’s brother. He didn’t want to see either of us upset and felt caught in the middle of everything. I felt terrible and guilty for dragging him into all of this, but I needed his advice and kindness. He one of the only people I could really talk to and know that he understood and cared.

“Mikey, can we talk?” I asked, poking my head into the hotel bathroom he was in. He was fixing and flat ironing his hair in true Mikey fashion.

“Sure, lay it on me.” he said, still focussing on his reflection. I sat on the sink a few feet away from him and sighed.

“I feel like I’m loosing Gerard. He’s becoming more and more distant and we fight more than ever now. I don’t know what I can do.” I said hopelessly. Mikey bit his lip and finished his hair before sitting next to me.

“I worry about him so much. But I can’t keep following you guys on tour or I think I’ll go nuts from lack of sleep. I don’t know what to do anymore.” I continued.

“We all worry about him. He just needs his space right now and I know you care, but you have to let him make his own mistakes.” Mikey assured me.

“But what if he lands himself in the ER again?” I asked.

“He won’t, I promise. I think you should head home for a few days. You are going to go nuts if you keep this up. Just relax, get some sleep and let us take care of him for a while. We’ll stop by New York again and come to see you.” Mikey smiled, putting his arm around me. I smiled and rested my head on his shoulder, feeling a little more at ease.

“What the fuck is going on here?” Said an angry and familiar voice. Mikey and I flew apart and looked over to see Gerard, slouching in the doorway.

“Hey Gee.” Mikey said nervously. Gerard held up a swaying hand. He was piss drunk.

“What are you doing Babes?” He asked angrily.

“Talking with Mikey. What’s the big deal?” I asked, feeling confused.

“Oh! So you were just talking!” Gerard slurred loudly. It then became obvious that he thought Mikey and I were doing something unthinkable.

“Gerard, you know that’s not what was happening.” I said sternly. He rolled his eyes and almost fell over.

“Mikey get out.” He grumbled. Mikey shot me an apologetic glance and left the bathroom.

“I LEAVE FOR FIVE MINUTES AND I COME IN AND FIND YOU GETTING HANDSIE WITH MY LITTLE BROTHER!” Gerard bellowed, towering over me. He smelled pungent and sweaty and gross. At first I was afraid, but then I was angry. I was tired of him doing this, I was done with it.

“SHUT UP!” I shrieked, pushing him away from me. “Leave me alone! I’m going home!” I cried out, impatiently wiping the tears from my eyes.

“Babes…wait.” Gerard said in a stuffy, drunken tone. I held up my hand and grabbed my purse off the counter.

“If this is how its going to be with you, then I’m done.” I said through a sob.

“Babes.” Gerard called, stumbling after me through the halls of the cheap hotel.

“Go away! Leave me alone! Don’t talk to me!” I shouted, probably disturbing many sleeping hotel guests. I trotted outside quickly to my car because it was pouring outside climbed in. Gerard was standing there, drunk and getting soaked. I adjusted my rearview mirror so that I couldn’t see him anymore.

The entire night I drove home from Chicago. I cried most of the way too. I didn’t stop for food or to use the bathroom. I just wanted to be home and away from the drama, the drugs and the drinking.

Yes, drugs.

Gerard had confessed to me a few nights ago that he had been popping Xanax, which only fueled my need for escape. I felt like a trapped animal, ready to chew off my own limbs if it meant freedom. My phone started ringing around four AM; it was him. I took the battery out and threw it back in my purse.

I couldn’t stand it any more. As much as I loved him I couldn’t bare to just stand there and watch him as he destroyed himself. I was tired of being accused and yelled at. I was tired of holding his hair back while he threw up in the trash can or the sink. I was exhausted.

I got to the apartment and used all my remaining strength to run up into my room and collapse on the bed. Elodie waddled in, more pregnant looking than ever.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, sitting next to me and rubbing my back. Through my tears and sobs I told her what had happened. All the while she listened and nodded patiently as I told my story.

“And then I just drove away.” I ended with one more shuttering sob. The sun was up now and I realized I hadn’t slept in two days. Tiredness hit me like a ton of bricks to the chest.

“I think you were right to leave him. You don’t need all that drama in your life.” Elodie said sympathetically. We laid down and cuddled under the blankets.

“But I still love him.” I said impishly.

“I love him too, but until he can straighten himself out and be the man you deserve and need then your just going to have to cut him off.” Elodie said wisely. My sixteen-year-old and pregnant sister was giving me boyfriend advice.

“Your right…” I mumbled, hugging her as closely as I could with her belly between us. I closed my eyes and fell asleep almost instantly.


XXX
The next day I woke up to what I thought was Elodie watching TV. But as I listened, I found it was something far more terrifying than anything on TV.

“What are you doing here? She doesn’t want to talk to you!” I heard Elodie yell. I sat up and listened closely.

“Can I please just talk to her?” asked Gerard’s voice.

“No! Get out! Now!” Elodie snapped. I heard a glass smash and ran out to the kitchen.

“What’s going on?” I yelled as I burst in to find Elodie holding a broken beer bottle threateningly at Gerard.

“Elodie, go in your room?” I said, not taking my eyes off Gerard. His eyes were sunken in and he looked like he was in a lot of pain. Probably suffering from a bad hangover.

“But Babs…” Elodie protested quietly.

“Just go!” I snapped. She nodded and shuffled off to her room. I waited until she was gone to address Gerard.

“What are you doing here?” I asked as plainly as I could.

“I wanted to talk to you. I was really out of line last night. I am so sorry.” He pleaded, his eyes the size of the moon.

“You think you can just come in here and say something sweet and win me back? After all the shit I’ve gone through over the past months trying to keep up with you?” I asked, my voice growing shrill with rage.

“Babes, no. I know I was wrong. I’m sorry, please.” He begged quietly.

“Get your things and get out.” I said, trying not to scream at the top of my lungs.

“Babes…” Gerard began. I grabbed a beer bottle off the counter and threw it at the wall behind him where it shattered.

“GET OUT!” I cried. “Just go! GO!” I shrieked at him. He cringed, but wouldn’t back down.

“I love you too much to walk away Babes. I’m not letting you go that easy.” He said sternly, taking a few steps toward me. I smashed another bottle on the edge of the sink and cut my hand. Blood and beer were everywhere.

“Here, let me help.” Gerard said, reaching out to grab my hand. I smack him away and crumbled on the floor of the kitchen, a sobbing mess of a girl.

“Gerard please! Just go!” I bawled. He sat next to me and wrapped me up in his arms. I didn’t stop him. I still loved him, despite everything. I leaned over and cried into his jacket.

“Your tearing me apart!” I wept, my shoulders shaking with the force of each sob. Gerard looked on the verge of tears himself.

“I know, I know. I’m so sorry.” He said, his voice cracking on the last word. I hated myself for loving him. I couldn’t help it though. What had started out as an inoccent fling had turned into a wreched and terrible love horror story. Gerad leaned over and whisped those three little words before kissing me.

And once again, I was brought back into the same vicious cycle of our relationship.