- Oh, your writing is so amazing. I can hear them, see them, and every one of them from Kimahri to Chappu just steps off the page and into one's mind. It's an unflattering portrait of their world at times, so very real, from the odd Ronso ritual (that seems so right) to Chappu's banging their teeth together, and it not really mattering. Poor little Yuna. Her personality/voice isn't coming through with quite as much force and vividness as Kimahri and Chappu, but then she's a rather timid figure. I love the metaphor of her clinging to Kimahri like squirrel to oak. So typical that she would try to save a dog past saving.
Your wonderfully well-chosen phrasing challenges me not to be satisfied with my own clumsy attempts to tell a story; you make every sentence a small piece of art.
- Kihmari's poor dog. I like the way you set up this fast and furious chain of events. The sequence of it was powerful and sad.
I like the metaphor for Kihmari's rage. It's very apt. I like the idea that Kihmari holds back his grief in front of his friends.
I love Yuna's sadness over the pet and the way she blames herself. Lulu is quite cold about it. I don't really think she would be so dismissive and heartless in her head. The way she sees Yuna's actions as dangerous I can understand though.
The idea that the claws in the necklace around Kihmari's neck come from fallen pets is crazy, but also interesting.
The way poor Yuna bursts into tears is very in character I think. She takes everything so seriously.
I love the way you portrayed Wakka as well - trying to help out sheerfully, but putting his foot in it and feeling sorry immediately afterward even if he is still clueless.
I love the way that Chappu's presence makes Lulu feel better. That is very sweet. I look forward to reading more.
- Since this was the continuation of the previous part, I'll put this here: I'm not sure why you're splitting up oarts that are less than 5000 words. It's a little distracting to me, and takes me out of the action. Shorter and split up might entice more people to give something a shot, but I think the section is losing more than it's gaining? I'm not sure how to say it.
Otherwise, it was good. Lulu's calm rationally came across well here. Kimahri again, felt real to me, and he's a hard character to get across. I think I found the scene with he and Wakka to be the most touching, even when Wakka gives misplaced comfort, Kimahri understands what he means and doesn't fault him. Again with the greatness that is Lulu being critcal of Chappu's technique. Nice nod to reality there. Great stuff.
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