FicWad

Four days have gone by since Gerard came to see me; I have not left my room since. I won’t leave, Stacey tries to get me to come out but I always yell and never move. I still hate myself for kissing Tyler it kills me inside that I had done that. I know Gerard is not mad at me but still I won’t be able to forgive myself. In the last four days, everything has gone down hill all my fears have come back. The light went out last night because of a storm I went insane the doctor and Stacey came into my room, the doctor gave me a shot to clam me down which made me fall asleep.

I woke today feeling like crap I hated what I did yesterday but I couldn’t help it. I finally gave up I know I cannot get over my fears. I work so hard on trying to get better but I let all my hard work goes to waste; I just couldn’t do this without Gerard. Sometimes I do wish I would have stayed at the asylum that maybe if I had stayed then I might be better by now, that Gerard would have been there and I could have done this.

I keep thinking [i]what if[/i] knowing it’s getting me nowhere but that’s how I feel. Thinking if I would have just stayed then maybe I would have been better by now and I could finally be free, I could be with Gerard right now. Seeing Gerard made me beyond happy it felt like I was alive, again something I haven’t felt in weeks.
Not being able to go with Gerard was hard I wanted nothing more then to chase after him and go out the doors with him.

Last night was the first time in four days I have slept all night I haven’t been able to sleep, the feeling of disappoint knowing I have let Gerard down. I promise him I would be getting better and within four days I have broke that promise. Part of me wants to walk out the door and just to keep trying knowing I can do this, the other part just doesn’t care anymore. I was laying on my bed when I heard I knock on my door, I had my door lock so no one would bother me.

“Frank you have to come out, you’ve been in your room for four days, “Stacey said behind the other side.

I did not say a word I had nothing to say I was not leaving my room until I was ready or if I would even be ready, I may never be ready. I wasn’t ready to get better I was scared of what I might become if I change that maybe I wouldn’t like the new me.

“Frank I know your in there, you need to come out, “Stacey said once again.

“Go Away! I am not leaving my room, you keep begging and pleading I am not leaving. Just leave me alone, “I yelled in hoping she would just leave.

“So your going to stay in there forever hiding from the world thinking it’s the best way out? You cannot get better until you learn how to get rid of your fears, “She replied.

“I don’t care I could careless about getting better, leave me alone, “I yelled again.

I heard footsteps leaving the door I knew Stacey would not leave me alone, that she would be back. She was right though I cannot get better until I learn how to get rid of my fears, but as of right now, I could careless. I was not planning on leaving my room nothing could make me leave.

*Two Days Later*

Two days have gone by I still haven’t left my room I have no reason too. I finally decided I was no longer going to care about anything. I’m just going to deal with my fears and live my life in fear, Gerard will eventually will forget all about me. As I was laying on my bed I heard foot steps coming towards my door, before the person behind the door could saying anything I spoke first,

“Leave me alone! Nothing you can say will make me leave my room. Just leave me the hell alone, “I yelled in hoping Stacey or the doctor would just give up already.

“Frank I have someone who wants to talk to you, please just open the door, “Stacey said behind the door.

“I don’t care who this person is, just leave me the fuck alone, “I yelled once again.

I heard Stacey talking to someone out there I couldn’t hear the other voice I could careless about who it was, I was not leaving my room.

“Frank please open the door, “The voice said.

I shot up from my bed I knew that voice it was Gerard.



Second update. Will update one more time.