Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > You're The Only Place That Feels Like Home
I didn’t remember much after last night, but when my eyes fluttered open, I was still in the same spot by the door. My head and neck hurt from sleeping in an awkward position, but I managed to straighten it out. My face felt flushed and my knees buckled for a moment there, but I was able to walk on my feet as I touched my head and took a deep breath to relax myself. It wasn’t much fun when you feel like you’re in anxiety and little thought might set you off. I haven’t felt this way since I was 9 years old.
I opened the door and looked around before trotting to the bathroom. I had forgotten how much of an asshole I must’ve seemed last night with Bob and stupid fucking snake. I couldn’t explain the reasons for why I was afraid, he wouldn’t understand, no one would. Fuck, I don’t even understand why I was or why I used to be the way I was. All I know is, I worked a great deal to get this far and I was determined to not fall down and slide back to first base.
I used the bathroom and showered quickly, the water less than hot to shake me up a bit. When I finished, I stepped out and wrapped a towel around and me and shivered while walking back to my bedroom and dressing. I didn’t bother with make up or anything else, I just wanted to go already. I pulled my coat on and grabbed my bag before carefully walking out of my room and shutting the door, checking if was coast was clear of Bob. I didn’t want to talk to him just yet, I still felt like a jackass.
By the grace of God, he was nowhere to be found, giving me the opportunity to sneak outside while I locked the door and headed on my way. The clouds glazed over the NY sun, which wasn’t of a surprise at this time of year. It was like the clouds were marking their territory. “We own this part of the sky now bitch.” or something another like that.
I made it to Generation, of course no one wanted to spend their morning in a damn record store, so I was glad for that small moment of peace.
“You’re late Billie.” I heard someone mutter as I looked up at the clock involuntarily. 15 minutes late, fuck.
“I’m sorry. I had a rough night.” I reasoned as I was greeted by Jerry while he eyed me down before nodding at me. Secretly he loved me. Like not in a ‘I’m going to molest you in my office kind of thing’ but like ‘I think of you as a daughter I never wanted’ kind of thing. I smiled to myself while putting on my lanyard and getting to work, grateful for any distraction to take my mind off of last night and how much of an ass clown I must’ve seen to Bob.
“Hey Billie, you still thinking about a date with me?” I heard someone say as I rolled my eyes and sighed from my position on the floor with my knees bent. I knew that annoying voice like my right boob knew my left boob. I got up as I scowled at the pipsqueak in front of me.
“Joshua.” I smirked at the young guy in front of me with a few zits, shaggy black hair, and dark eyes. He reminded me of Nick Zinner, except Nick was way cooler than this kid will ever be.
“Are you hiding another CD in your jacket?” I asked him while he smiled.
“Billie I would never take something that wasn’t mine.” he replied sincerely while I growled at him before picking up an Elvis record threateningly.
“Leave.” I warned him.
“Oh come on Billie.” he reasoned.
“Go.” I repeated.
“Just tell me one thing.” he put in.
“What?” I snapped. He got on his knees and looked up at me with hands folded as if he was praying.
“Will you bareback me?” he asked as I threw the record at him.
“Get out now!” I shouted at him while he laughed and left. I groaned and slammed a pencil down as I wondered how much it would cost for someone to just hit him with car or something.
“Lazy ass punk. Knows how to steal, but can’t pass any classes.” I grumbled while I continued finishing my work, determined to keep as less human contact as possible.
“It’s a beautiful morning!” someone sang while I clenched my fists and banged my head against the counter.
“Of course.” I muttered as I looked up to see Frank gleaming like he just smoked a bowl before coming here.
“What are you smiling for?” I snapped as he skipped to the counter.
“I don’t know.” he shrugged. “I ate some Frankenberry before I came.” I added as I shook my head.
“Figures.” I retorted.
“What happened to you? You look and sound like shit.” he stated while I glared at him.
“Thank you Captain Obvious. I just had a rough night.” I replied softly while he eyed me.
“Did you and Bob fornicate?” he asked carefully.
“What?” I asked dumbfounded.
“You know, did you shag him? Hit the sack? Play pigs in a blanket? Knock the boots? Hanky Panky? Butter your muffin? Doing the nasty-”
“I get it.” I snapped at him while holding a hand up. “Are you kidding me?” I asked him as he smirked.
“What? Don’t have any shame in your game, it’s all love. I just hoped you used protection, or you’re on the pill, or he pulled out before he came. Because it‘s not polite to put out and pull out-”
“I didn’t sleep with Bob!” I whispered harshly while looking behind me.
“Well what happened then?” he asked me as I looked down.
“It’s coming back Frank.” I whispered.
“What’s coming back?” he asked me confused while I rolled my eyes.
“Everything. The dreams, the memories, Hendrix…” I said softly as his face softened.
“Oh…” he whispered as I nodded.
“I don’t know why it’s happening Frank. I was fine for so long and now it just wants to drop in again. Yesterday, when you asked me what was wrong, it was because I thought I saw him Frank. I thought I saw Hendrix.” I whispered while he put a hand on mine, I felt a tingle run up my back as I stiffened softly.
“Billie, maybe it’s time…” he shrugged as I looked at him.
“Time for what?” I asked curiously.
“Time that you go and find him.” he suggested while I retracted my hand and I shook my head.
“I can’t.” I replied.
“Why not?” he asked me with a sigh.
“Because I wouldn’t know how to! I have no idea where he lives, what he even looks like IF he does look the same since I last saw him. I don’t know what he’s doing, or if he’s even alive.” I scoffed. “He could be somewhere far for all I know. What if he doesn’t even want to see me, much less remember me.” I reasoned, desperate for any excuse I could use to foil his idea. He shook his head and chewed on his lip ring.
“He’s your brother Billie. You’re his sister. You can never forget that. And you can’t throw away a person.” he said softly while I looked down.
“I know it’s just…”
“Look I know how hard you two had it, there’s no doubt about that. And I commend you for walking out a hero, but you’re only trying to pretend he doesn’t exist. He’s out there Billie, you have to look. And if you don’t, then you’re only going to be reminded of what you should’ve done or what went wrong. It’s now or never my darling.” he reasoned while I looked at him for a moment before shaking my head.
“I can’t.” I whispered.
“Yes you can.” he nodded as I closed the register machine and let his words sink in and for one moment, I felt brave. I felt like it was possible, but it was just false hope. I stopped hoping a long time ago.
“I can’t.” I said strongly this time as Frank shook his head at me.
“You’re too stubborn for your own good Billie Beatrix.” he replied while I tapped my fingers on the glass counter, his words too true to be ignored…
___
You ever have that feeling where your stomach just knots and knots, as if someone was tying your insides like a shoelace? The guilt feeling you get when your parents are mad at you. I felt that twice as bad since I could remember. The sadness that stayed in your eyes like the rain cloud above you. The smile no longer existing on your face as you go about your day? I felt this since I could remember.
Amazingly, I learned to forget that feeling. Look around it and get past it. I was able to wake up and smile for a while even. I was doing good, so good. But like an addict, I relapsed.
I fell back to ground zero where the whole process started again. The past was inevitable, and no matter how much you tried, you can’t bury it.
Frank’s words stung in my heart like a knife that was twisting it. Mainly because I knew he was right. The little short ass was secretly a wisdom expertise. He was almost like a fortune cookie.
I didn’t want to admit it but it was obvious I had no other choice. However that didn’t mean I had to follow through with it. What if I did and I found nothing but more disappointment? That’s more fucked up than anything. It would hurt much more than having my brother tell me he wanted nothing to do with me. At least I would have closure, but that won’t ever happen. Because I was too chicken shit.
I hung a piece of paper on my wall. It was folded into four squares, but I got most of the crinkles out. It was a picture. A picture my brother drew when were little kids. I remember exactly the day when he gave it to me.
He ran inside from walking home while I colored on my books. I wasn’t allowed to color on anything else, I remembered that much. I remembered my parents never caring for me the way other kids’ parents did. I never understood it.
Hendrix threw the paper next to me and smiled.
“I made this for you Bea!” he used to call me instead of Billie. I opened it and laughed. It was a picture of two stick figures who were holding hands. They were dressed in superhero costumes, but really they were just scribbled in pink and blue.
“That’s us fighting the bad guys!” he grinned, showing off two missing front teeth while I smiled at him because I knew I had the best brother in the world.
He was my best friend. The one that protected me and even risked his life for me multiple times. He was the one that held me when I cried when my dad had hit me. The one that kissed my bruises or ‘boo-boos.’ as he used to say. The only person I ever trusted.
He was everything to me and when we were forced from each other, I remember suffering withdrawals. I needed my brother like a drug and they wouldn’t let me see him. I remember crying myself to sleep because he wasn’t there to tuck me in or tell me a story. I didn’t have my security blanket.
If he was everything, why couldn’t I bring myself to find him?
I heard a knock on my door as I snapped my head up towards it. I sat on the edge of the bed where I slowly slid off it and walked towards the door. I opened it with shaky hands and opened it before Bob’s face came into view.
“Hey.” he smiled kindly at me.
“Hi.” I replied equally.
“I just wanted to see if you were okay, I’m sorry if I scared you last night.” he apologized as I shook my head.
“No, I’m sorry. I didn’t meant to freak out. I just don’t like snakes, bad experiences.” I replied as he nodded.
“Oh okay. I didn’t think-”
“Really, it’s not your fault, how you were supposed to know. It’s all good.” I smiled as he nodded.
“Good.” he replied as he shifted on his feet. “Well actually I just wanted to see if everything else was alright, you seemed kind of bothered these couple days…” he hinted.
“Oh yeah, I just…it’s kind of hard to explain.” I reasoned. I felt bad for not telling him, but how could I tell someone my fucked past?
“Well if you ever want to talk about them…or anything else…you umm can.” he replied as I smiled and nodded. It sort of surprised me to see Bob as such a softy on the inside. He seemed tough, but he probably one of the nicest guys I had ever met, which was a stretch, because I’ve had my fair share with a lot of assholes, including Josh, in my time. Bob was…different…
“Thank you.” I said genuinely.
“No problem.” he waved a hand to the side as I blushed to myself while he sort of just stood there in the doorway while I looked into his blue eyes. Icy like nobody’s business. Almost hypnotizing…
“Well I’m going to go practice some songs, got to help a band tomorrow. I’ll be in my room if you need anything.” he smiled nervously before leaving quickly as I frowned and watched him walk into his room.
What did I do?
_________
(A/N: Chapter five, wow. This was as you can see a filler, but that only means the next chapter will be better (: Also here are some pictures as to what the characters look like in the story, since it’s based around 2004. Billie is 22, Bob is 23, and Frank is 21...just thought I should put that out there. And yes Billie is more or less based around Kate Voegele. Thanks reading, and please R&R as always.
http://i1132.photobucket.com/albums/m568/turningjapanesex/Billie.jpg"Billie":
http://i1132.photobucket.com/albums/m568/turningjapanesex/bob-bryar-big-1.jpg"Bob":
http://glitter-graphics.com/graphics/1309521"Frank":
I opened the door and looked around before trotting to the bathroom. I had forgotten how much of an asshole I must’ve seemed last night with Bob and stupid fucking snake. I couldn’t explain the reasons for why I was afraid, he wouldn’t understand, no one would. Fuck, I don’t even understand why I was or why I used to be the way I was. All I know is, I worked a great deal to get this far and I was determined to not fall down and slide back to first base.
I used the bathroom and showered quickly, the water less than hot to shake me up a bit. When I finished, I stepped out and wrapped a towel around and me and shivered while walking back to my bedroom and dressing. I didn’t bother with make up or anything else, I just wanted to go already. I pulled my coat on and grabbed my bag before carefully walking out of my room and shutting the door, checking if was coast was clear of Bob. I didn’t want to talk to him just yet, I still felt like a jackass.
By the grace of God, he was nowhere to be found, giving me the opportunity to sneak outside while I locked the door and headed on my way. The clouds glazed over the NY sun, which wasn’t of a surprise at this time of year. It was like the clouds were marking their territory. “We own this part of the sky now bitch.” or something another like that.
I made it to Generation, of course no one wanted to spend their morning in a damn record store, so I was glad for that small moment of peace.
“You’re late Billie.” I heard someone mutter as I looked up at the clock involuntarily. 15 minutes late, fuck.
“I’m sorry. I had a rough night.” I reasoned as I was greeted by Jerry while he eyed me down before nodding at me. Secretly he loved me. Like not in a ‘I’m going to molest you in my office kind of thing’ but like ‘I think of you as a daughter I never wanted’ kind of thing. I smiled to myself while putting on my lanyard and getting to work, grateful for any distraction to take my mind off of last night and how much of an ass clown I must’ve seen to Bob.
“Hey Billie, you still thinking about a date with me?” I heard someone say as I rolled my eyes and sighed from my position on the floor with my knees bent. I knew that annoying voice like my right boob knew my left boob. I got up as I scowled at the pipsqueak in front of me.
“Joshua.” I smirked at the young guy in front of me with a few zits, shaggy black hair, and dark eyes. He reminded me of Nick Zinner, except Nick was way cooler than this kid will ever be.
“Are you hiding another CD in your jacket?” I asked him while he smiled.
“Billie I would never take something that wasn’t mine.” he replied sincerely while I growled at him before picking up an Elvis record threateningly.
“Leave.” I warned him.
“Oh come on Billie.” he reasoned.
“Go.” I repeated.
“Just tell me one thing.” he put in.
“What?” I snapped. He got on his knees and looked up at me with hands folded as if he was praying.
“Will you bareback me?” he asked as I threw the record at him.
“Get out now!” I shouted at him while he laughed and left. I groaned and slammed a pencil down as I wondered how much it would cost for someone to just hit him with car or something.
“Lazy ass punk. Knows how to steal, but can’t pass any classes.” I grumbled while I continued finishing my work, determined to keep as less human contact as possible.
“It’s a beautiful morning!” someone sang while I clenched my fists and banged my head against the counter.
“Of course.” I muttered as I looked up to see Frank gleaming like he just smoked a bowl before coming here.
“What are you smiling for?” I snapped as he skipped to the counter.
“I don’t know.” he shrugged. “I ate some Frankenberry before I came.” I added as I shook my head.
“Figures.” I retorted.
“What happened to you? You look and sound like shit.” he stated while I glared at him.
“Thank you Captain Obvious. I just had a rough night.” I replied softly while he eyed me.
“Did you and Bob fornicate?” he asked carefully.
“What?” I asked dumbfounded.
“You know, did you shag him? Hit the sack? Play pigs in a blanket? Knock the boots? Hanky Panky? Butter your muffin? Doing the nasty-”
“I get it.” I snapped at him while holding a hand up. “Are you kidding me?” I asked him as he smirked.
“What? Don’t have any shame in your game, it’s all love. I just hoped you used protection, or you’re on the pill, or he pulled out before he came. Because it‘s not polite to put out and pull out-”
“I didn’t sleep with Bob!” I whispered harshly while looking behind me.
“Well what happened then?” he asked me as I looked down.
“It’s coming back Frank.” I whispered.
“What’s coming back?” he asked me confused while I rolled my eyes.
“Everything. The dreams, the memories, Hendrix…” I said softly as his face softened.
“Oh…” he whispered as I nodded.
“I don’t know why it’s happening Frank. I was fine for so long and now it just wants to drop in again. Yesterday, when you asked me what was wrong, it was because I thought I saw him Frank. I thought I saw Hendrix.” I whispered while he put a hand on mine, I felt a tingle run up my back as I stiffened softly.
“Billie, maybe it’s time…” he shrugged as I looked at him.
“Time for what?” I asked curiously.
“Time that you go and find him.” he suggested while I retracted my hand and I shook my head.
“I can’t.” I replied.
“Why not?” he asked me with a sigh.
“Because I wouldn’t know how to! I have no idea where he lives, what he even looks like IF he does look the same since I last saw him. I don’t know what he’s doing, or if he’s even alive.” I scoffed. “He could be somewhere far for all I know. What if he doesn’t even want to see me, much less remember me.” I reasoned, desperate for any excuse I could use to foil his idea. He shook his head and chewed on his lip ring.
“He’s your brother Billie. You’re his sister. You can never forget that. And you can’t throw away a person.” he said softly while I looked down.
“I know it’s just…”
“Look I know how hard you two had it, there’s no doubt about that. And I commend you for walking out a hero, but you’re only trying to pretend he doesn’t exist. He’s out there Billie, you have to look. And if you don’t, then you’re only going to be reminded of what you should’ve done or what went wrong. It’s now or never my darling.” he reasoned while I looked at him for a moment before shaking my head.
“I can’t.” I whispered.
“Yes you can.” he nodded as I closed the register machine and let his words sink in and for one moment, I felt brave. I felt like it was possible, but it was just false hope. I stopped hoping a long time ago.
“I can’t.” I said strongly this time as Frank shook his head at me.
“You’re too stubborn for your own good Billie Beatrix.” he replied while I tapped my fingers on the glass counter, his words too true to be ignored…
___
You ever have that feeling where your stomach just knots and knots, as if someone was tying your insides like a shoelace? The guilt feeling you get when your parents are mad at you. I felt that twice as bad since I could remember. The sadness that stayed in your eyes like the rain cloud above you. The smile no longer existing on your face as you go about your day? I felt this since I could remember.
Amazingly, I learned to forget that feeling. Look around it and get past it. I was able to wake up and smile for a while even. I was doing good, so good. But like an addict, I relapsed.
I fell back to ground zero where the whole process started again. The past was inevitable, and no matter how much you tried, you can’t bury it.
Frank’s words stung in my heart like a knife that was twisting it. Mainly because I knew he was right. The little short ass was secretly a wisdom expertise. He was almost like a fortune cookie.
I didn’t want to admit it but it was obvious I had no other choice. However that didn’t mean I had to follow through with it. What if I did and I found nothing but more disappointment? That’s more fucked up than anything. It would hurt much more than having my brother tell me he wanted nothing to do with me. At least I would have closure, but that won’t ever happen. Because I was too chicken shit.
I hung a piece of paper on my wall. It was folded into four squares, but I got most of the crinkles out. It was a picture. A picture my brother drew when were little kids. I remember exactly the day when he gave it to me.
He ran inside from walking home while I colored on my books. I wasn’t allowed to color on anything else, I remembered that much. I remembered my parents never caring for me the way other kids’ parents did. I never understood it.
Hendrix threw the paper next to me and smiled.
“I made this for you Bea!” he used to call me instead of Billie. I opened it and laughed. It was a picture of two stick figures who were holding hands. They were dressed in superhero costumes, but really they were just scribbled in pink and blue.
“That’s us fighting the bad guys!” he grinned, showing off two missing front teeth while I smiled at him because I knew I had the best brother in the world.
He was my best friend. The one that protected me and even risked his life for me multiple times. He was the one that held me when I cried when my dad had hit me. The one that kissed my bruises or ‘boo-boos.’ as he used to say. The only person I ever trusted.
He was everything to me and when we were forced from each other, I remember suffering withdrawals. I needed my brother like a drug and they wouldn’t let me see him. I remember crying myself to sleep because he wasn’t there to tuck me in or tell me a story. I didn’t have my security blanket.
If he was everything, why couldn’t I bring myself to find him?
I heard a knock on my door as I snapped my head up towards it. I sat on the edge of the bed where I slowly slid off it and walked towards the door. I opened it with shaky hands and opened it before Bob’s face came into view.
“Hey.” he smiled kindly at me.
“Hi.” I replied equally.
“I just wanted to see if you were okay, I’m sorry if I scared you last night.” he apologized as I shook my head.
“No, I’m sorry. I didn’t meant to freak out. I just don’t like snakes, bad experiences.” I replied as he nodded.
“Oh okay. I didn’t think-”
“Really, it’s not your fault, how you were supposed to know. It’s all good.” I smiled as he nodded.
“Good.” he replied as he shifted on his feet. “Well actually I just wanted to see if everything else was alright, you seemed kind of bothered these couple days…” he hinted.
“Oh yeah, I just…it’s kind of hard to explain.” I reasoned. I felt bad for not telling him, but how could I tell someone my fucked past?
“Well if you ever want to talk about them…or anything else…you umm can.” he replied as I smiled and nodded. It sort of surprised me to see Bob as such a softy on the inside. He seemed tough, but he probably one of the nicest guys I had ever met, which was a stretch, because I’ve had my fair share with a lot of assholes, including Josh, in my time. Bob was…different…
“Thank you.” I said genuinely.
“No problem.” he waved a hand to the side as I blushed to myself while he sort of just stood there in the doorway while I looked into his blue eyes. Icy like nobody’s business. Almost hypnotizing…
“Well I’m going to go practice some songs, got to help a band tomorrow. I’ll be in my room if you need anything.” he smiled nervously before leaving quickly as I frowned and watched him walk into his room.
What did I do?
_________
(A/N: Chapter five, wow. This was as you can see a filler, but that only means the next chapter will be better (: Also here are some pictures as to what the characters look like in the story, since it’s based around 2004. Billie is 22, Bob is 23, and Frank is 21...just thought I should put that out there. And yes Billie is more or less based around Kate Voegele. Thanks reading, and please R&R as always.
http://i1132.photobucket.com/albums/m568/turningjapanesex/Billie.jpg"Billie":
http://i1132.photobucket.com/albums/m568/turningjapanesex/bob-bryar-big-1.jpg"Bob":
http://glitter-graphics.com/graphics/1309521"Frank":
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