FicWad

Mikey's POV

“Gee?” I murmured, still mostly asleep, rolling over in my bunk. The sheets tangled around my legs, oddly cool considering I’d been sleeping in them for what was probably hours upon hours. I collided with the wall, my body doing just more than brushing it, but it still sent spirals of pain rocketing through me.


I clenched my teeth and swallowed the groan that threatened to come from my throat, dulling it down to a small hiss. I hoped that anyone who might be listening would mistake it for a sigh, but I didn’t need to worry about it. No one was in the surrounding bunks, and the sunlight streamed in through the large window, bathing me in light.


I looked around the small bed where my brother no longer was, and steadily filled up with an intense panic, the only thought in my head was to find Gerard.


“Gerard?” I called, just a little bit louder this time, hoping maybe he would respond. He didn’t, and I tried to reason that maybe he just hadn’t heard.


He wouldn’t leave without a word. I insisted, closing my eyes and breathing long deep breaths, trying to calm down before I went running through the bus and tore the place apart. I know he’d tell me. He tells me everything.


My breathing changed rapidly from the slow slur to something that closely resembled hyperventilating, and I knew that I would drive myself insane just sitting here. I couldn’t let Gerard go, wherever he was. I’d follow him to the ends of the earth, whether he liked it or not.


We could fix whatever had come between us. I was sure of it, but we couldn’t do that unless he was here. We’d have to guide each other through it, but we had what it took. I longed to see him smile again, and I calmed myself enough to get out of bed and be on my way to find him.


The floor was warm against my bare feet, and I walked steadily, using all the strength I had to walk in a straight line, refusing to waste all my energy by running. Frank found me clutching the walls as I carefully shuffled my way through the bus. He raised an eyebrow and frowned at me as I gave him a weak smile.


“Are you alright, Mikey?” he asked, voice trailed by doubt. I nodded.


“Yeah, fine.” I responded far too quickly, my words seemingly joined together into one huge mass. “Have you seen Gerard?”


Frank leaned against the wall in front of me, causing me to actually stop and look into his eyes. “Mikey, you’re really pale. Do you hurt?” he tried to take my arm and lead me back to the bunk, but I jerked away. I hid the feeling of pins stabbing my stomach behind a mask and looked into his eyes.


“Have you seen Gerard?” I insisted, my tone serious.


“He left earlier,” Frank finally replied, after a long pause.


My heart started to pound in my chest, racing a thousand miles a minute. It filled my ears, and I couldn’t hear the words that Frank said next. I just needed to see Gee. I stumbled and almost fell over, only to be saved by Frank and his reflexes.


Just at that moment, my older brother entered the bus to find Frank holding me up, just barely. Our eyes connected and my entire body flooded with relief, causing me to drop in my band mates hold just a little bit. I felt a second pair of arms carefully wrap themselves around me, and pull my arm over his shoulder, leading me back the way I’d come.


“I was worried about you, Gee.” I whispered, feeling warmer that before, and safe again now that my older brother had returned and was now curled into the bunk again. “Where did you go? Why did you leave me?”


The arms around me tightened, drawing me up into a firm hug. “Don’t hurt yourself for me, Mikey. I’m okay. I had a… a really bad nightmare last night, and I needed to get out and breathe. I thought I’d be back before you even woke up. I’m so sorry.”


“It’s okay.”


“Did you hurt yourself?” I shook my head to the question.


We sat in silence again, and I felt safe. It felt like it had been so long since my older brother had held me in his arms like this, with nothing standing between us, nothing stopping the other from being himself and holding us back. It was like the world had suddenly shifted back to normal, all the things that had happened no longer making any difference. If anything we were closer. If anything they had brought us a little closer together.


In a little over a few hours, we’d already begun down that road to recovery. I silently thanked my brother for being who he was, suddenly too tired to say anymore. I fell asleep with my older brother beside me, and everything felt like it was alright again.


Finally.



Gerard’s POV

I could tell exactly what moment Mikey fell asleep. This time I didn’t move, just in case he woke up again and tired himself out. He shouldn’t have gotten out of bed to find me, especially since he only wanted to know where I’d gone.


“I’ll stay with you, Mikey.” I whispered, gently pushing his hair off of his face and smiling down at him, “For all of time.”


My brother was so peaceful, I almost reached out and checked for a pulse, but his steady breathing told me he was still with me. I wasn’t planning on letting him go any time soon, I was determined to change back into the brother I’d always been to him. The one he could always turn to, the one who would always keep him safe. He needed me more than he ever had before, and I needed to be there for him. Not just for him, but for myself. If I couldn’t be a brother to Mikey, then I couldn’t be anything at all.


I couldn’t help but worry about the things that were bound to happen to us in the future, the other things that would test us and try to take us apart. I knew we wouldn’t let them, but I didn’t want them to even have a chance to put the distance between us.


“I’m doing the best I can.” I told my sleeping brother. “I promise I’ll keep doing that for you.”


Mikey stirred a little bit, turning on to his side to face me. He murmured something in his sleep, something that may not have even been real words, but they made me smile anyways. I almost chuckled to myself as I instinctively wished he would smile back.


We were almost back to the way things were supposed to be. I’d made so many mistakes along this road, but I’ve always meant every word I’ve ever said.


My nightmare last night didn’t really have anything to do with Mikey. The longer I tried to put it together in my mind, the harder it got. I could remember the stage, and that man. The man who had started all the problems, the source of the change that had occurred between my baby brother and I. His intentions were enough to make me sick, and the fact that he had done it at a moment that I had been unable to defend Mikey, when my brother had been unable to defend himself, made me want to kill him.


In that dream, that’s exactly what I did.


I told myself, for at least the hundredth time in the last little while, that it was harmless to think these thoughts, that if I’d been given the chance I wouldn’t have done anything to him and let the police handle any punishment the bastard deserved. But deep down, I wasn’t quite so sure. I was so angry, and everything had felt so real.


I shuddered and looked down at my brother’s peaceful face again, and it put all of my other worried thoughts to rest. It filled me with my own calm emotions, until I finally was able to drift of beside him.






It’s hard not to let the people we love down, but only because we think they expect so much from us. There’s no way to reach up to the expectations you believe they have for you. In reality, all they want is to know they love you too. In reality, all that matters is that you’re actually there.


When it feels like failure upon failure is taking over your life, the only thing you can do is try to change back. Mikey didn’t want his brother to always be reaching for the stars for him, he just wanted his brother to be himself again. He wanted the world to be right, and hated that his brother thought all of this was because of him.


“It’s not your fault, Gee.” He whispered, sitting up and looking down at his brother, who was still haunted in his sleep. Mikey passed his hand over his brother’s face, and smiled as the pain slowly melted away and drifted off.


His eyes filled with tears, and he desperately tried to hold them back this time, not wanting to do anything that might spoil this time.


There was nothing more that they could do for the time being, both of them too exhausted to do so much as pull away from each other. Not that either one of them wanted to be anywhere else.