FicWad

Okay... I've been trying to post this chapter for the past week, but every time either FicWad or my computer messes it up. Plus I started going to a catholic school this week... who wants to bet they can't convert the atheist girl into a catholic saint? That's what I thought. Anyway, since I missed my bus this morning, I get to stay home and finish it. So, without further adieu, here it is... edited more than ten times and packed with more boring dialog than ever!!! :)

The concert ended up being amazing, though I had another headache with a side of uncontrollable dizziness. I tried not to pay too much attention to the music, hoping it might help out a bit (which it did). I stayed with Kyrsten the entire time. We had somehow found each other when she and Jay finally made it to First Avenue.

Jay had left her at some point, though. I looked for him, but it was pretty much impossible to find someone in the middle of a mosh pit. Of course, I apologized to Kyrsten and told her that I had to find Jay before we left. She understood, and I snuck out through the front doors. I almost got stepped on more than once, but I made it after a few minutes.

It was slightly chilly outside, and I hugged myself hoping it would get me a bit warmer. I stood outside the building and watched for him, but after twenty minutes, I figured it would be better to walk around and look for him. I wondered if maybe he might have gone back to his apartment, so I started walking down the street in that direction.

There was no shortage of people that were heading the same way I was, apparently. I got bumped into quite a few times, but I didn't really mind. I wanted to catch up with Jay, and it wasn't too far to his apartment from First Avenue. Besides, Kyrsten would call me if she ran into him. Either way, I wasn't about to leave Minneapolis without saying goodbye.

I slowed my speed after my shoes started hurting my feet. I stared at the ground tiredly as I slowly shuffled forward. I paused when something caught my eye. I picked up my pace again and prayed to St. Jimmy that I wouldn't twist my ankle in those goddamn shoes. "Jay!" I called. He was only about ten or fifteen yards away, and he was leaning on the other side of a building on the corner. I recognized his jacket (it was unmistakably his... I was the one who got it for him), even though I could only see half of it.

He didn't respond. As I neared him, I wondered what he might be doing. Probably texting or listening to his iPod. That may have been why he didn't hear me. I turned the corner and my mind immediately went into panic mode. Or playing tonsil hockey with some bottle-blond whore... (A/N: okay.... I had to put that in there. I have a small obsession with that phrase. Whenever I hear it I think of elementary or middle school. Anyway... clears throat awkwardly )

I could almost hear my heart pounding as I stood there. I couldn't even move, let alone breathe. I felt like someone had just hit me. I didn't understand why I felt so upset by it. He wasn't my boyfriend or anything like that, so why did I even give a damn who he had pinned against a brick wall? He was like my big brother. Who always cared about me in the way a brother shouldn't. I opened my mouth to speak, but I didn't even know what to say.

I bit my lip. "Jay... I wanted to say goodbye", I said. My voice sounded raspy, even though I wasn't one of the people who were screaming the lyrics at the concert. He didn't even notice me, and neither did she. I cleared my throat. "Jay. Come on. I need to talk to you for a second."

He pulled away from the girl and turned to face me. The look on his face made everything seem so obvious. He's drunk. The girl stared at me, seeming completely disgusted. “BJ? What are you doing here?” he asked, his words slurring together slightly. At least he wasn’t too far gone from reality. I bit my lip. “I wanted to say goodbye. We’re gonna be getting out of here pretty soon.”

He nodded. “Um, okay… is that all?”

I shot him a look. “Could I just… could we talk for a second?” I asked. I had so many things flooding my mind right now that I didn’t even know what I was going to ‘talk’ about. He turned back to the girl and whispered something in her ear. She grinned and kissed his cheek. She quickly pushed past me, but not before shooting me a death glare. I guess I interrupted at the wrong time.

Jay shoved his hands in his pockets and shifted positions so he was facing me. “Well? What do you want to talk about that’s so important?”

I sighed. “Why were you drinking?” I asked quietly. He knew I hated it when he did that, and he also knew I wouldn’t leave without saying goodbye. So he either did it in spite, or just forgot. And I highly doubted that he forgot something like that after our screaming match last time.

“Does it really matter?” he snapped. I flinched at the tone of his voice. He always turned into a bastard when there was alcohol in his system.

I couldn’t even look at him. I didn’t want to feel like those kind eyes that I’d stared into only hours ago belonged to someone who could physically scar me in a second. “I just worry about you when you’re like this. You never act like yourself.”

Jay groaned in frustration. “Will you stop this? For the past thirteen years I’ve had to answer to you. I don’t give a damn what happens to you, so why do you continue to watch me like a hawk?”

I bit down on my lip harder. I didn’t want to deal with this. I didn’t want to hear it. Jay was always nice and sweet when sober, but when he was drunk… he was always serious. Nothing was ever a joke. That’s why it always hurt so badly. “I’m sorry you feel that way. I’ve always cared about you, and I don’t want something to go wrong.”

He roughly placed his hands on my shoulders. “Don’t you get it? I hate you! You always tag along and ruin things. I only made Adam do that today so you wouldn’t be such an eyesore. I thought maybe if you didn’t look like some horrific creature you wouldn’t seem so bad. But you had to go and mess it up again, huh?”

I looked down at my shoes. “I’m sorry, Jay. I can’t help it. You’re like my big brother.”

He shook his head in disgust. “That’s just classic Becki. Never learning when enough is enough” he growled. “Why don’t you just go back to your emo faggot of a best friend and leave me alone while I’ve still got some sanity?”

My head snapped up. I shoved him away from me and clenched my fists. “Shut the fuck up already!” I practically screamed. I jabbed a finger in his face, seething. “You can say whatever you damn well please about me, but don’t you dare talk about Kyrsten that way.”

He grabbed my wrist and laughed. “So now you’re gonna stand up to me? Just because I say a few harsh words about your little personal whore? Don’t try to take me on. ‘Cause I could kill you in three seconds flat if I wanted to. “

I tried to pull my arm back, but he was too strong. I glared at him. “Let go of me!” I shrieked. He pulled me a little closer. My wrist was starting to hurt from the pressure, and it wouldn’t be long before I started to lose feeling if he didn’t stop. “You listen to me. I don’t ever wanna see your face again. You got that?” he hissed. “I don’t care if you have to jump in front a moving vehicle. Just stay away from me.”

I kicked his knee with all of my force. “Whatever! Just let go!” I cried. He groaned and tensed up. I halfway expected him to let go, but wasn’t surprised when he slammed me against the wall. My head hit the bricks and I felt a sharp pain.

“You just don’t wanna listen, do you?” he said. “I didn’t wanna hurt you, but if you aren’t careful, I might just have to.”

I shot him a steady glare and clenched my teeth. “Get outta my fucking face!” I practically yelled. He pushed me closer to the wall.

“I ain’t done talkin’ yet”, he sneered.

I bit my lip again and clenched my free hand into a fist. I kicked him again and stepped away as he stumbled back a bit. The alcohol was starting to take more affect, and his coordination was decreasing more and more with each moment that passed.

I quickly turned to leave, but he grabbed me and pulled me back. He gave me a stone cold glare. “Vorrei che tu fossi morto”, he growled. I felt my heart rate increase.

I looked up at him, halfway afraid to even speak. His blue eyes were cold and filled with hatred. I couldn’t fight it anymore. “So do I”, I whispered shakily. He chuckled and pushed me away from him.

“Get out of my sight, fag.”

I turned away from him and slowly began to walk down the sidewalk. His words still echoed through my head. I wish you were dead. The past thirteen years had been a lie. And yet, I think I had always known. I didn’t want to think of how Marlee had practically forced him to be around me. Or how Adam was the only one who showed any true emotion. All this time, I was truly alone.

The streets had almost completely cleared except for the few who still lingered outside of stores. My head was still throbbing from its collision with the wall. I brought my hand to the back of my head. It immediately stung on contact, and I quickly pulled away. It didn’t even faze me that my fingers were coated in a coppery red liquid. Everything around me just felt like a dream that I couldn’t escape. The sidewalk in front of me seemed like a never ending walk on the road to my death.

If everything was a lie, then do I really even belong here? I don’t even have any reason to live. Jay and Adam were the only ones who I knew. They were my life. And none of it was true. Maybe if I fall asleep tonight, the god that killed my mother and took everything away might show me mercy and let me drift off into oblivion. Yes... I think that would be best.


That's it for part one of this chapter... I wanted to break it up since it would end up pretty confusing if I didn't. Plus I'm kind of tired and in need of a nap... R&R plz!!!!