FicWad

I hated thunderstorms, especially when I'm alone, it makes me feel overwhelmingly lonely. I just wanted to go home but I couldn't, not yet.
I watched the rain drops hit the window and run down until it disappeared down the glass window. Sighing; I slid down the sofa chair that I was sitting on and rested my eyes. I suddenly didn't want to go home, Gerard's furious face appeared in my mind as if he was actually in front of me with his pale face plastered so scary but so gorgeous. I rubbed my temples, I just wanted to leave this place anyway. I just wanted to return home and hug him, tell hike that I didn't mean anything that escaped from my lips. Oh, I wanted this to be all over and okay again.
I glanced at the door that was my only escape from this place. I could just leave here and go home...
But I couldn't.
The only reason I was here was because of Mikey. Last night when Mikey ordered his brother to go home and act like nothing happened, he took me to the closest hotel. So here I am, waiting for Mikey to come back. He didn't want Gerard and I to fight, but that was the last thing I wanted to do on my list. Then again, I wouldn't know about Gerard. He was pretty angry, I guess I wouldn't be surprised if he started a fight with me. I did hurt him...
I lowered my head, how did it end up like this? I swear everything was going so well until I stuffed up.
Pain shot up from my knuckles and it broke the chain of the thoughts in my head.
"Fuck!" I grabbed my wrist and crouched down. I hadn't overly noticed that I have been punching the wall next to the window for an unknown amount of time. My knuckles were all red and sore. There were a few cuts with blood already escaping from the wounds. "Nice work Nicole," I sat back down on my chair and didn't bother cleaning my knuckles just yet.
And so, I sat there and watched the thunderstorm pass by.

"Mikey!" I jumped out of my chair as soon as my door clicked open and Mikey walked in.
"Hey Nicole, sorry I took long," he dropped his wet umbrella on the floor. "I was trying to convince the boys that you went off to your friend’s because of an emergency.”
He smiled reassuringly and walked to the bed beside where I was sitting, his shoes clapped against the hard wooden floor. He quickly made himself at home and sprawled himself on the bed and watched me with that strange glint in his eyes.
“Oh,” I looked down at my sore hand and slid it under my thigh. “That’s a good excuse,” I gave him a quick smile.
“This will all be over soon,” he read my mind. “You and Gerard will work it out. He’s not the type that hold grudges against people for too long, except his brother of course.” He scoffed.
I almost chuckled at that remark but I just reached to a smile. I felt so down about myself that I couldn’t even pretend to be okay. It felt impossible for everything to be okay. I let out a sob and shook my head when Mikey stood up to hug me. I wasn’t going to cry in front of him. Instead I stood up, “Can we just go home?”
He nodded.

The wooden door stared back at me saying that it’s okay to open it but I stared back at it and waited for Mikey to lock his car and open it for me. I felt like a new kid entering a new world yet in reality I was just entering my house with the people I knew in it. He finally came to the front porch and with a smile he whispered, “Optimism is the key.”

I didn’t even bother following Mikey to the kitchen where the boys were at. Mikey didn’t say anything knowing I needed to be alone to at least pull myself together. The second I reached my room, tears has already streamed down my face. Images of Gerard shaking me and yelling at me about throwing all of what we had away. I didn’t even know what we are at the moment. I didn’t want to find out right now. My bed was my best friend, cuddling me and keeping me warm as I cried my heart out. The weather fitted my mood correctly and being in bed with the blanket covering my face felt perfect for my mood.

Every day for the next few days I tried to grab the courage to get out of my room and talk to Gerard and apologise. That courage wasn’t there at all.
I sat back on my bed after backing away from the bedroom door when I couldn’t find the courage to talk to him. Looking down at my now bruised and scratched knuckles I wondered if punching the wall right now would be good. Maybe I’d punch the wall till it bled to the point where I needed bandages, that way I could leave this room and go to the main bathroom and hopefully by focusing on the pain in my knuckles I would run into Gerard and I’ll just blurt out my apology. My knuckles looked painful so I don’t think I would be punching for a long time.

I was considering of going ahead with the plan when my door knocked. No one really knocked my door since I came back home from the hotel. Mikey told the boys not to bother me at the moment for some unknown reason but I did have Ray and Frank coming and knocking to see if I was okay. I got up and open the door to a plate filled with food, the person delivering it to me did surprise me quite a bit. Well a lot considering that I did freeze and stared at them with my mouth open. I did look like a retard.
Gerard stood awkwardly with the plate of food; he held a thoughtful expression but didn’t dare look at me. “I noticed that you haven’t been eating…” he said in a small voice.
He noticed that I wasn’t eating… I stared down at the plate. My brain completely forgot what I had to do.
“Take it, I got it ready for you.”
I nodded quickly and carefully without touching his hands I grabbed the plate. There was silence, very awkward silence and my brain hasn’t rebooted so I just stood there, holding the plate in one hand and the door handle with the other. Gerard stood in front of me, I couldn’t see his eyes. I just wished I could though, he’s eyes were beautiful and no doubt would be beautiful to see now.
I was definitely sure that we stood in awkward silence for almost five minutes. I didn’t want to slam the door in his face and he didn’t want to move. My stupid brain searched for something to say. SAY SORRY! But how could I apologise? I didn’t know how to say sorry.
Gerard then stepped towards me and took the plate off me and placed it on my bedside table. I guess he got tired of me just standing there in utter silence with a plate in my hand.
I knew he was looking down at me but I was looking down at the floor, I couldn’t look up at him even though I was longing to see his eyes.
Suddenly I felt his arms around me. He was hugging me. I felt like I was definitely at home just then. I just wanted to cry in his arms and I did cry in his arms as soon as he said, “I’m so sorry Nicole. I didn’t mean to yell at you like that. I know you think I’m a monster right now, but just know that this monster loves you.”
I hugged him back and just cried. I cried till I couldn’t breathe and I managed to say I was sorry too in between my short breaths and sobs. But I don’t think he heard me because he rushed me to the window and opened it with the fresh cold air hitting my face.
“Don’t cry, it’s okay now.” Gerard pushed my hair out of my face as I tried to breathe properly.
“I’m sorry,” I said as I panted for air.
“It’s okay. You were right with what you said that night, I just raged because I liked us like this..” he rubbed my back.
I shook my head, “No!” I paused and tried to steady my breathing. “Don’t leave me,” I took another breath. “I love you.”
I was mentally kicking myself because I couldn’t say much with my shortness of breath.
He hugged me again. “I’m not going to leave you.”
I nodded and hugged him back.
We gradually laid under the covers in my bed in silence, but it was such a comfortable silence.