Categories > Original > Humor > The Book of Hondo

Apocrypha 1-5

by shadesmaclean 0 reviews

The TRUE Lord of the Dance

Category: Humor - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Fantasy,Humor - Warnings: [V] - Published: 2011-02-04 - Updated: 2011-02-05 - 846 words

“Disco Robot” (The True Lord of the Dance)

And they didst look around, and see that they had emerged in a barren wasteland, with a large, red-orange sun hanging low in the sky.

‘In the far future this must be…’ spake the God of the Lost Schtick of La Mancha.

And Loki didst spot a glint of metal in the sand and didst dig it up.

For it was a robot, and stamped upon its torso was this legend:

North Central Positronics, LTD
In Association with
LaMerck Industries

Serial # DJA-38762-V-75

‘Dr Färtnøkker’s final creation…’ quoth Scoot.

‘A trifle upsetting, is he not?’ spake the God of Breakers.

‘After 10,000 years…’ quoth Loki, and he didst activate it.

‘NO!’ cried Nori.

‘DISCO ROBOT… SERIAL NUMBER DJA-38762-V-75... SUBNUCLEAR CELLS POWERING UP…’ quoth Disco Robot, ‘Please stateth password for Directive 54...’

And Loki didst say the password, and Disco Robot didst light up, and a great disco ball didst unfold from a compartment in its chest, and rise into the air.

‘Nnooooo!!’ cried Nori, ‘ ’Tis more terrifying than the robotic Richard Simmons!’

‘Disco shall rise again!’ cried Loki, then he sang:

Disco Robot, show ’em how it’s done
Come on, Disco Robot, let’s have some fun…

And he didst launch into a song-and-dance number, and Disco Robot didst summon other robots to dance with him. And he didst summon Robo, Andy, Bender, Tom Servo, Android 16 (‘Traitor!’ cried the Amazing Beardless Woman.), R2-D2, X-51, and the robot from Lost In Space. These were the Disco Robot Dancers.

‘Ha!’ quoth Scoot. ‘Thou’rt no match for me! For my great, great, great, great—’

‘Um, Scoot,’ quoth Jehoiachin, ‘I’m right here. Let me handle this mechanical monstrosity, for I am the True Lord of the Dance!’

‘Not without a sound system of thine own, thee won’t!’ spake the God of Nipples. ‘Go-Go, Gadget Sound System!’

And woofers, tweeters, and subs didst explode from every orifice, pocket and pore.

‘Ow!’ cried Matt. ‘Got to hurt, that hath!’

‘Fletchin’ A!’ cried Nori.

And Jehoiachin didst lead the Milers, the Soldiers of the ’Wise, and the Ancestors in a great Riverdance against the Disco Robot. And he didst dance the Disco Robot, the Batusi, the Funky0Chicken, even the Commala, and then Disco Robot didst show his true Boogie Level.

‘Oh no!’ cried the God of the ‘Learn To Fart’ State, ‘ ’tis too much! What if ye and Loki fuseth again?’

‘We can’t for another half an hour,’ quoth Scoot, ‘and even if Loki wouldst, ’twould not be enough. Go Jehoiachin! Humanity’s last hope, thou art!’

‘There! is! no! God!’ cried Gwyn-Zen, the Guru of Math.

‘Well,’ spake the God of the Unpossible, ‘knoweth we now where Myles the Unbeliever getteth it from…’

‘Oh my fletch!’ cried Ian, ‘Verily I say, the True Lord of the Dance, he is!’

‘Yer bugger!’ quoth Nyt.

‘Told ye, I did,’ quoth Scoot.

Finally, after the longest Riverdance in any where or when, Jehoiachin didst collapse from sheer exhaustion, as his companions had already done so hours ago.

‘Ha!’ quoth Bender, ‘I bet HAL wished he hath a body now!’

Quoth Android 16: ‘Domo arigato, Disco Roboto.’

‘Jehoiachin,’ quoth Disco Robot, ‘thou art indeed the True Lord of the Dance… at least among humans. I am pleased that there art people such as thee, so mine work here is finished. Now I must away, for Directive 54 sayeth that I must spread Disco Fever throughout the Universe… Fare thee well, Loki Amaya of Emerald City…’

And it came to pass that Disco Robot didst blast off in search of other worlds to spread Disco Fever to.

‘Wait!’ cried Loki Amaya as he didst run along the ground after him, ‘Disco Robot! Come back!…’

But ’twas no use, for Disco Robot was long-gone.

‘Come on,’ spake the God of Beige Alerts, ‘thou hast had thy fun. Now across the galaxy Disco shalt spread unless Astro Bitch canst complete her mission. Happy now, art thou?’

‘But…’ quoth Loki.

‘Go on,’ quoth Nori, ‘ye great dick-led galoot!’

And they didst head back to the Outhouse.

‘So much trouble that thing is,’ spake the God of Kinto’un, ‘I suppose we shouldst destroy the Outhouse… some time.’

This story was brought to thee by the letter K and the number 19.

“Disco Robot” lyrics by Jason Parrish, aka Loki Amaya / DJ Amaya (Euroboyz), author of Disco Robot Saved My Life+ and The Revenge of Disco Robot+

+titles may or may not be available in some realities :P

Well, I hoped y'all enjoyed reading that. Someday, I may begin work on a second Apocryphal book, but only if I get a good idea. "Quit while you're still ahead" is some of the best advice I've heard about writing series, so if I do actually write another sequel, I want it to be more inspired than the first Apocrypha. Until then, stay tuned, for I have other stories I've been working on, and those will come in time.

-Standing backwards, Scoot.
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