FicWad

Canadian Maple:

I hate him so much right now. I'm pregnant because of him. Stupid Patrick. Damn his balls. Grrr! I haven't told him yet. Only Greg knows because he figured it all out before I said anything. Everyone else has no clue. I hoped to keep it that way. But, nature just loves to stab you in the back all of the time. She decided to do her worst today at work.

I hate babies. I can't stand the sight and smell of them! They cry. They poop. They are just needy little monsters that take your money for eighteen years. Eighteen fucking years! I can't do that. But, why can't I get rid of it? Damn it! I'm confusing myself now. I sat back at my desk and took a breath.

I need to rethink this whole thing again. I'm pregnant by Patrick freaking Stump and QB is coming in three weeks. My life is slowly sliding down the crapper now. Couldn't get better! That's when I began to feel it again. The dreaded morning sickness with the comedic timing. God, I hate it so much. I take one quick look around. Good, no one is watching. I make a mad dash to the bathroom.

Thirty minutes of talking to the toilet. I haven't done that since sixth grade. Pathetic. I sat up against the stall and breathed out. This is turning into Ground Hog's day every fucking morning. I can't wait for this period of pregnancy to be over. Suddenly, I hear a knock on the stall door.

"What?" I asked.

"Are you okay in there?" I heard a small Welsh accent ask. Oh great, Miranda is here.

"What do you think?" I snapped in a choked up voice. I probably shouldn't have done that, because I feel like puking again. I turned to the toilet and threw up again.

"You need anything?" she asked.

"Just for you to --" I began to say. I turned back to the toilet to talk to it even more.

"What's the matter?" she asked. "Is it food poisoning?"

"No!" I barked.

"Stomach bug?"

"No!"

"Coming down with something?"

"NO, NOW GO AWAY!!!"

There was silent on the other side of the stall. Had she finally taken the hint? That's when I heard that annoying fangirl-like squeal.

"Oh, you're pregnant!" she cheered. Boy, she has an annoying voice. If I didn't feel like crap at the moment, I would have come out and strangled Mary Poppins.

Instead I said, "Yes, now will you go away?!?" I heard another fangirl squeal that made me want to kill her even more.

"This is so great!" she cheered. "I'll get someone to help you!" I heard her footsteps running away as fast as they could. I sat back against the stall wall and breathed out puke breath again. Oh great, now everyone in the office is going to know. I'm so going to throttle Mary Poppins after this.

And sure enough, everyone in BRM knew that I was pregnant. I am going to get Miranda for this!

"So who's the dad?" Noriko asked me at my desk.

"Huh?" I asked as I came back from my bitter hate for a moment.

"Who is the baby's father?" she asked again.

"Oh," I said at last. "Who do you think?" Noriko's eyes lit up big and fast.

"Ooo!!!" she squealed. Then, she jumped up onto her own.

"Say a word and I'm going to kill you," I hissed. Too late.

"Hey everyone!" Noriko yelled. "Patrick knocked up Robyn!" A ripping wave of whispers filled the whole office area. I sat back with gritted teeth. My blood was on fire. I want to kill her now! No, she's not the one I want to hurt. I'm going to kill Patrick the next time I see him!

I'm a Man, I'm a Liar