Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Living In a World Without You
Gerard’s POV
I lay on the sidewalk outside of tonight’s venue just staring up at the sky with my iPod playing. It had been 3 hours since my argument with everyone, and 3 hours since I had last talk to Frank. He makes me so angry. I hate him; I hate that I'm in love with him. I felt so out of place, like I didn’t belong here. I didn’t belong in this band, in this life, or in this world. Sometimes I think I’ll die alone. Bert can physically hurt me an endless amount of times but it will never hurt as bad as Frank fucking with my emotions. Does he know the way I feel about him and he just wants to fuck with me? I really hope that’s not the case. God I'm such a piece of shit. I breathed in the air around me. It smells so beautiful and natural, quite comforting.
Footsteps approached me. “Hey, why did you leave last night?” It was Bert.
I sighed. “I don’t know.”
I saw him lie down next to me out of my peripheral vision. “I didn’t hurt you, did I?”
I didn’t say anything. I just lifted my shirt to show him the bruises on my sides. But he didn’t say anything, he didn’t apologize; he was silent. I then felt the tips of his fingers brush the skin on my side; I winced from shock of contact but then relaxed as his touch began to feel soothing. “I’m sorry... It’s the coke. I would never do this intentionally. I want to be with you.”
I wanted to believe him, though I wasn’t sure if I could. But my mind was playing tricks on me; and I couldn’t help but to forgive. I wanted to feel loved so badly. So I turned over and gave him a quick peck on the lips.
He smirked. “Forgive me?”
I know I will regret this. “Ofcoarse.”
Why was I doing this to myself? I know this wont end well but my mind is telling me that I need him. I need someone in my life to make me feel amazing. And although Bert hurt me last night, I couldn’t help but feel wanted because of the fact that Bert actually wanted to be with me. I don’t want to be alone anymore.
Bert brushed a lock of hair out of my face. “What’re you thinking about?”
“You”
He cocked his eyebrow. “Oh? What about me?”
What exactly about him was I thinking about? I couldn’t tell him that I wanted him to make me feel gorgeous. I would never openly admit to my insecurities. How could he be so confident? It made me jealous. I want to feel okay with myself. Being high or drunk was the only thing that used to help me escape the real world. The world where thousands of people tell me I'm amazing, talented and beautiful when I know I'm not. They don’t know the real me; they wouldn’t be able to stand me if they did. I don’t even know how Bert is able to stand me, or why he even wants me.
“Why do you want to be with me?” I didn’t look at him; I couldn’t handle it if he changed his mind about me.
“Kiss me.” It’s more of an order than a request, but I don’t care.
I lean my body over his and press my lips gently against his lips. It was an innocent kiss. No lust; I wasn’t even sure if there was love, but there was definitely need. I needed to be with him, he’s the only man to ever give me his full attention and be as affectionate as he is. Although he does do that for almost everyone, I feel like it’s different between us; like I'm the only one in the world. I wish Frank would feel this way about me. No! Gerard, stop it. You need to forget about Frank, he’s only meant to be your friend. You need to move on… with Bert. I need to try to trust him.
I pulled away and studied him. He definitely had that greasy rocker look. His appearance screamed trouble. Anyone who would even look his way would turn around and run; not me. I’ve always like the odd things in life. Everything that people find weird, I find normal. And despite his rough exterior, he had the most beautiful eyes; bright blue to almost grey. Like when it rains but the sun is still out. If I was going to be with him I had to make sure his eyes stayed this way, I couldn’t be around him when they glazed over the way they did last night. When they were just empty pools of blue with no emotion or sympathy for the pain he had caused me. But the drugs felt good, so I’d keep it to a minimum.
We sat up. “So to answer your question, I want to be with you because I think you’re amazing; and not to mention, incredibly hot.” His hand found its way creeping up my thigh.
I wouldn’t have stopped him, but someone behind us cleared their throat. It was Quinn. “Jeph scored some more pot so I rolled you a blunt. But don’t have too much fun, I heard you two going at it through the wall last night and couldn’t fall asleep.” Quinn tossed a blunt into Bert’s hand before walking away.
He could hear us? Could he sense that something wasn't right? Could he hear me scream out in pain? Or hear me begging Bert to stop? No, stop. God I really can’t be left alone with my mind or I’ll go completely insane. I wanted to have sex with Bert last night, I know I did. But I knew even more that I wanted to smoke that joint that Bert was holding.
I snatched it out of his hand and lit the tip of it. I inhale as much as my lungs can hold and don’t let go. I can feel the smoke expanding in my lungs and a heavy feeling in my head. As I feel like my body is going to burst, I exhale. Sending my brain on a rocket as it blasts through the sky; I reclined back to the ground beneath me and wait for Bert to take a hit.
He finally lied down and wrapped his arms around me. “I love you.” The three words that slipped from his mouth were the three words I had wanted to hear being said to me for the longest time, but not from him. I wanted it from the person I craved the most, the one I knew would never mean it in the way I wanted it. At this point in my life, I’ll take what I can get. He had a stoned grin on his face, obviously talking bullshit, but I pretended like I knew he meant it.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I hope you guys like this chapter. Also, if you have any ideas for me or any certain thing you would like to see happen in this story, let me know, and I'll try to appeal to your taste :) Thanks!
http://twitter.com/nikki_killjoy
I lay on the sidewalk outside of tonight’s venue just staring up at the sky with my iPod playing. It had been 3 hours since my argument with everyone, and 3 hours since I had last talk to Frank. He makes me so angry. I hate him; I hate that I'm in love with him. I felt so out of place, like I didn’t belong here. I didn’t belong in this band, in this life, or in this world. Sometimes I think I’ll die alone. Bert can physically hurt me an endless amount of times but it will never hurt as bad as Frank fucking with my emotions. Does he know the way I feel about him and he just wants to fuck with me? I really hope that’s not the case. God I'm such a piece of shit. I breathed in the air around me. It smells so beautiful and natural, quite comforting.
Footsteps approached me. “Hey, why did you leave last night?” It was Bert.
I sighed. “I don’t know.”
I saw him lie down next to me out of my peripheral vision. “I didn’t hurt you, did I?”
I didn’t say anything. I just lifted my shirt to show him the bruises on my sides. But he didn’t say anything, he didn’t apologize; he was silent. I then felt the tips of his fingers brush the skin on my side; I winced from shock of contact but then relaxed as his touch began to feel soothing. “I’m sorry... It’s the coke. I would never do this intentionally. I want to be with you.”
I wanted to believe him, though I wasn’t sure if I could. But my mind was playing tricks on me; and I couldn’t help but to forgive. I wanted to feel loved so badly. So I turned over and gave him a quick peck on the lips.
He smirked. “Forgive me?”
I know I will regret this. “Ofcoarse.”
Why was I doing this to myself? I know this wont end well but my mind is telling me that I need him. I need someone in my life to make me feel amazing. And although Bert hurt me last night, I couldn’t help but feel wanted because of the fact that Bert actually wanted to be with me. I don’t want to be alone anymore.
Bert brushed a lock of hair out of my face. “What’re you thinking about?”
“You”
He cocked his eyebrow. “Oh? What about me?”
What exactly about him was I thinking about? I couldn’t tell him that I wanted him to make me feel gorgeous. I would never openly admit to my insecurities. How could he be so confident? It made me jealous. I want to feel okay with myself. Being high or drunk was the only thing that used to help me escape the real world. The world where thousands of people tell me I'm amazing, talented and beautiful when I know I'm not. They don’t know the real me; they wouldn’t be able to stand me if they did. I don’t even know how Bert is able to stand me, or why he even wants me.
“Why do you want to be with me?” I didn’t look at him; I couldn’t handle it if he changed his mind about me.
“Kiss me.” It’s more of an order than a request, but I don’t care.
I lean my body over his and press my lips gently against his lips. It was an innocent kiss. No lust; I wasn’t even sure if there was love, but there was definitely need. I needed to be with him, he’s the only man to ever give me his full attention and be as affectionate as he is. Although he does do that for almost everyone, I feel like it’s different between us; like I'm the only one in the world. I wish Frank would feel this way about me. No! Gerard, stop it. You need to forget about Frank, he’s only meant to be your friend. You need to move on… with Bert. I need to try to trust him.
I pulled away and studied him. He definitely had that greasy rocker look. His appearance screamed trouble. Anyone who would even look his way would turn around and run; not me. I’ve always like the odd things in life. Everything that people find weird, I find normal. And despite his rough exterior, he had the most beautiful eyes; bright blue to almost grey. Like when it rains but the sun is still out. If I was going to be with him I had to make sure his eyes stayed this way, I couldn’t be around him when they glazed over the way they did last night. When they were just empty pools of blue with no emotion or sympathy for the pain he had caused me. But the drugs felt good, so I’d keep it to a minimum.
We sat up. “So to answer your question, I want to be with you because I think you’re amazing; and not to mention, incredibly hot.” His hand found its way creeping up my thigh.
I wouldn’t have stopped him, but someone behind us cleared their throat. It was Quinn. “Jeph scored some more pot so I rolled you a blunt. But don’t have too much fun, I heard you two going at it through the wall last night and couldn’t fall asleep.” Quinn tossed a blunt into Bert’s hand before walking away.
He could hear us? Could he sense that something wasn't right? Could he hear me scream out in pain? Or hear me begging Bert to stop? No, stop. God I really can’t be left alone with my mind or I’ll go completely insane. I wanted to have sex with Bert last night, I know I did. But I knew even more that I wanted to smoke that joint that Bert was holding.
I snatched it out of his hand and lit the tip of it. I inhale as much as my lungs can hold and don’t let go. I can feel the smoke expanding in my lungs and a heavy feeling in my head. As I feel like my body is going to burst, I exhale. Sending my brain on a rocket as it blasts through the sky; I reclined back to the ground beneath me and wait for Bert to take a hit.
He finally lied down and wrapped his arms around me. “I love you.” The three words that slipped from his mouth were the three words I had wanted to hear being said to me for the longest time, but not from him. I wanted it from the person I craved the most, the one I knew would never mean it in the way I wanted it. At this point in my life, I’ll take what I can get. He had a stoned grin on his face, obviously talking bullshit, but I pretended like I knew he meant it.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I hope you guys like this chapter. Also, if you have any ideas for me or any certain thing you would like to see happen in this story, let me know, and I'll try to appeal to your taste :) Thanks!
http://twitter.com/nikki_killjoy
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