FicWad

Beckett continued to scrutinize me with eyes portraying shock and something else. Could it be mild curiosity? It was rather hard to tell. I seemed to lose my breath and all sense of reason as I stood there before him like an idiot. My heart and mind froze. I couldn't think, breathe, or do anything at all for that matter. No, I was stuck foolishly gaping him. Shit.

"Miss Cook," Beckett drawled out my name, raising his eyebrows at me. "What are you doing here? Forgive me for saying this, but I didn't think I'd ever see you again." My heart went from not beating at all to beating twice the speed it normally beat. My face flushed as usually and I tried to fish around for something intelligible to say.

"I...I came to apologize," I finally managed to stammer out, not looking Beckett in the eye. "I'm sorry for what I did the other day. I shouldn't have done it and I didn't mean to get all that blood on the floor. Would you like me to clean it up or pay for something?" I don't know how he managed to understand what I was saying since my voice was shaking so much.

Beckett stared at me for a minute before getting up from his desk. I was very tempting to look at him, but I just couldn't. Not after what I had done. Beckett stood in front of me. I could see his boots since I was still looking at the floor. Suddenly, I felt a finger under my chin, forcing my face upwards. I was forced to meet Beckett's eyes. They were the usually blue and in them I saw...sympathy?

"Now, now," Beckett said, looking back at me. "Don't cry, dear. There's no need for that." He slowly slipped his finger from under my chin, but I stayed looking up at him. For some reason, my lip was trembling and I felt like I was going to cry. Was it because I had given up my virginity to a man who didn't give a damn to me? Or was it something else? I wasn't quite sure.

"I-I'm s-sorry," I mumbled, a single tear dripping down my cheek. Beckett leaned forward and wiped it away with his finger. We looked at each other for a very long minute, his blue eyes boring into mine. I couldn't look away from him even if I wanted to. It was like he was seeing inside me and seeing my deepest, most intimate thoughts.

"Don't be sorry," Beckett said gently. "If one of the two of us should be apologizing, it should be me, not you as I was the one who took advantage of you." He stepped away from me and started pacing in front of his desk. I wasn't sure what to think. Was this a joke? I saw absolutely no reason for Cutler Beckett to be apologizing to me. After all, who had been the one to get blood all over and who had been the one who hadn't warned Beckett that I was a virgin? Me. It was all my fault.

"No," I said softly. "It was my fault. I should've told you." I shifted uncomfortably, wondering what was going to happen now. At my words, Beckett turned around and tilted his head at me. A small smile crept across his full lips. He stepped across the floor to me and put his hands on my shoulders. He was only a few inches taller than me, so it was easy to look into his eyes.

"Darling, do you really think I'm upset with you?" Beckett drawled, raising a perfect brow. He placed his hands on my shoulders and said, "Listen to me closely. I shouldn't have said yes to what I said yes to the other day. I hate hookers. But you're not a hooker, are you? You just...don't know the right ways to initiate a relationship."

I took that as a blow. I backed up towards the door, figuring the best thing to do at this point was to get out. As I reached for the doorknob, I stuttered another apology, "I know. And I'm sorry for that." I kicked the door open and tried to step out backwards. Firm hands fastened around my wrists, keeping me from going anywhere. I looked back up to see Beckett.

"Why are you leaving?" he asked, looking at me curiously. "I didn't ask you to leave." He fastened his grip on my hand a bit tighter and pulled me forward. He shut the door again and pushed me lightly down into the chair. He stood before me and smiled slightly, "There now. That's better. Do you feel a bit more comfortable?"

I shrugged, not feeling comfortable at all. I felt very embarrassed, immature, and a number of things. Beckett obviously read into that. He sighed and gave me a searching look. He stopped pacing and looked into my eyes as he asked a simple question, "What's wrong then? Tell me what you're feeling. Do you hate me? Do you feel like I raped you?"

His question caught me off guard and I just kind of sat there silently for a few moments. Beckett didn't push me. He just leaned up against the desk, waiting for my answer. I had two choices here. I could be honest or I could lie. Stupid me decided to be honest. Probably not the smartest thing to do, but I wasn't a very good liar. Besides, my brain couldn't think up a lie at the moment.

"No," I said softly, twisting my hands in my lap. "I don't hate you at all. I just feel...embarrassed." Because of that embarrassment, I didn't elaborate. Instead, I just looked down at the floor again. I heard footsteps and felt hands pulling me to my feet. Beckett steered me across the room, "Come now, dear, stop acting like that. You're making me feel like a monster. Why are you embarrassed? You can tell me, you know. I am hopefully not as threatening as you seem to think."

Beckett opened a door that I had never noticed before in the back corner of my room. Inside it, were a few cushions placed around a small desk. Beckett motioned for me to sit and sat down across from me. He poured us each a cup of tea and sat one of the cups down in front of me. He tilted his head, "So?"

The words came spilling out of my mouth before I even thought about what I was saying. Isn't there some famous poem or something that says "think before you act"? I don't know, but that's really something I should start abiding to. Still looking at the floor, I murmured, "I feel embarrassed for exposing my body you like that, for giving up my virginity in that way, and for not knowing what to do. I didn't even really know what sex is back then. I should've told you that or something." I hung my head in shame.

"Well, let's see if we can take care of those problems," Beckett said a-matter-of-factly. "Firstly, you said you were embarrassed about your body, is that not so?" I nodded, still not looking up at him. Beckett sighed and mused, "Hm...let me assure you that there is nothing to be embarrassed about. You're actually quite pretty."

When I heard those words, I knew he had to be lying. Tapping a foot irritably on the ground, I contradicted, "No, I'm fat. You know that and I know that. Don't say I'm not fat because we both know that I am. My thighs are much too big and my stomach is too big." I folded my arms over my middle as if to hide my stomach and crossed my legs. Neither did much good.

Beckett actually looked sad for a few seconds before he replied, "I assure you that you're not in any way fat. Besides, men don't like women with too skinny legs. Well, I, for one, don't appreciate it. If you want other people to like you're body, you're going to have to accept yourself first. I know that's hard to do, but believe me, it will do a world of good. Once you start liking yourself, you'll be amazed at all the friends you can have. You're young. You have lots of possibilities."

I didn't feel like I had many possibilities, so I just shrugged. Beckett rolled his eyes and leaned across the desk at me, "What are you thinking? I can tell you don't believe a single word that I'm saying." I opened my mouth to deny it, but Beckett held up a hand to stop me and continued on, "Don't deny it. I don't need to hear your lies."

Those words definitely made me shut my mouth again. Beckett was too smart. He could always tell if I was lying or not. How awful was that? So once again, I decided to just tell the truth. Sighing, I told him, "Why would anyone else like me? My only friend is Elizabeth and now she's gone. My parents don't really give a shit about me and how the hell am I actually suppose to like a fat bitch?"

"A fat bitch?" Beckett echoed, looking confused. "Dear god, you do have problems, girl. Do you always think of yourself as fat? Can't you think of something else about yourself? How about your eyes for example? You have pretty eyes. I can see they're a combination of blue and green. And your skin...it's a pale, creamy color."

I could tell he was paying me compliments, but I wasn't really in the mood to receive them. I was all concerned about how I was fat and about how awful my stomach and thighs looked. I gave Beckett a half-smile, "How can I think about anything else when my body is chubby and flabby? All I can see in the mirror is flab and fat. Nobody is ever going to like me like this."

"You really do believe that, don't you?" Beckett asked, eyes widening. "What do you want most? Someone to hold? Someone to love you without being asked to? You're tired of being alone. You've tried your whole life for acceptance and yet, you don't feel like you've earned it." Beckett's eyes searched mine, waiting for me to tell him whether he was right or not.

I wanted to say that no, he had it all backwards, but unfortunately, I think he had it all write. I had tried for acceptance and for people's love so many times and yet, nobody had loved me back. Nobody had held me in their arms and told me that I really mattered. As far as I was concerned, that was probably never going to happen in the future. Finally, I nodded to Beckett.

"Oh dear, that's no way to live," Beckett said, shaking his head. He got up and stepped around the desk so he was standing right in front of me. I lifted my eyes to meet his and gave him a curious look. Beckett motioned for me to stand up. Obeying him word for word ever since I had stepped through his little office, I immediately stood up, wondering what he wanted to do next.

What he did next caught me completely off guard. I felt warm arms around me, embracing me, and pulling me towards his warm body. Beckett pressed me up against him and wrapped his arms around me tightly. For some reason, this caused tears to fill my eyes. Someone was actually hugging me and I hadn't even had to ask for it first.

"Don't cry, Jenna," Beckett said soothingly. He rubbed my lower back with one of the hands that had been gripping me tightly. He rested his chin on my shoulder and whispered in my ear, "There now. It will be alright. Now tell me, what's got you all bothered now? You can tell me anything. I won't tell as you know. We've already shared secrets."

I sniffled and opened my mouth, "Are you doing this because you want to? Or do you just feel sorry for me like everyone else? I don't want to be on my own anymore, but I don't want anyone to love me just because they feel sorry for me either. What do you see when you look at me? Be honest, I honestly can't stand any more lies."

Beckett continued holding me and thought for another few minutes. Finally, he murmured in my ear, "I see someone who's strove for love her whole life, but hasn't found it. I see someone who has failed to earn the approval of others so she tries to prove herself to herself. I see someone beautiful who I want to give my love to."

His last words caught me off guard and pushed the breath out of my mouth. I just stood there opening and closing my mouth for a few minutes, not quite sure what to say. Finally, I said in a barely a whisper, "You want to love me? But why? Is this a joke? I'm just a little girl and you're...you're..." I couldn't finish. Well, not without embarrassing myself anyways.

"I'm what?" Beckett asked, raising an eyebrow. He tilted my chin up so that I was looking him in the eye again. Gulping, I whispered, "You're beautiful, older, gorgeous..." I trailed off and started crying again. Beckett looked taken off guard by my words. He looked at the floor almost as if he were confused by something.

"Are you being honest?" he finally asked, still looking taken off guard. At his words, I nodded and looked at the floor. Barely moving my lips, I admitted, "I love you. I don't know why. I have no reason for it. All I know is that I love you. Please don't ask me for a why or reason because I can't give it to you. I just want you..."

Beckett tilted my face back and tucked the hair behind my ears. He leaned down and kissed me gently. It was the nicest kiss I had ever had. It was soft and gentle. This felt so different than when Beckett and I had had a rough fling last time. There was love put into this. It wasn't just an overflow of sexual tension like last time was.

"Do you love me?" I whispered when he broke off the kiss, searching his eyes. Beckett nodded slightly and whispered, "Yes." He held me tighter and started kissing my lips passionately. He nibbled on my lower lip and dragged his soft, pink tongue across my mouth. A low moan came from my throat. Beckett scooped me up and laid me down on the couch. Something told me that the encounter this time would be much different than last time.