FicWad

I lay in bed, in a cold fever, listening to my surroundings. Everything seemed so loud, and my senses seemed heightened. It felt like the sun streaming in through the window was burning my skin, in an act of punishment from the heavens, and the big guy up there. I could smell the soup downstairs, as if the soup was right next to me. And I could hear the conversation downstairs as though I was in the very same room as them.
“I can’t go to new York tomorrow. Maxine’s ill, and I’m not leaving her alone.” I heard Frank say. He sounded pretty annoyed, and in a sick way, it made me smile. Maybe it was because I found it amusing, or maybe it was the fact that he was thinking about me, and was refusing a trip to New York because I was ill. It gave me a kind of buzz. Someone actually cared. I know I didn’t deserve it after what I had done.
“Well what about Dylan or Billy or her parents?” I heard another voice ask. I instantly recognized the voice as Gerard’s. I’m surprised he’s over here. He hasn’t been round here much just lately. Then again, can you really blame him?
“No. I told them me and Mikey would look after her. How am I supposed to look after her if I’m in New York? I’m not backing out of a promise.” Frank said, and I knew he was walking around downstairs.
“Frank, you don’t have a choice. Neither of us have a choice, I’m sorry. The cab will be here to pick you and Mikey up at 7:30 tomorrow morning.” Gerard said sternly. “If I could change it, I would, but we have a contract…” he said, softer. He seemed a little more understanding and sympathetic than he usually does.

I couldn’t help but frown at this comment by Gerard. Contract? Why did the guys have to go to New York, and what’s all this business about a contract? I snapped out of my thought by the front door shutting. However, in my state, I jumped at the noise. It appeared as though Gerard was slamming the door with all the force he could muster instead of simply shutting it.

I rolled over onto my side, clutching my stomach at the feel of something clawing at my insides. Guilt perhaps?
“Hey.” Frank said quietly behind me. I turned over to see him standing there with a bowl of soup in his hands. I didn’t hear him come into the room. I guess my heightened ability had gone. Oh well. Maybe it will be back later. He flashed me a quick smile, and sat down on the edge of my bed. “Feeling any better?” he asked.
“No.” I said bluntly and honestly. I didn’t mean it to sound blunt, but that’s how it sounded. He shot me a sympathetic look. It pained me because I didn’t deserve sympathy. I’d done nothing to deserve it.

He put his hand on my forehead, and his eyes widened.
“What?” I asked, not taking my eyes off him.
“Your boiling.” he said disbelievingly
“Really?” I asked shocked.
“I’m freezing.” I continued. I had numerous blankets on, and I was still cold
“You really got it bad.” he said softly.
“Want some soup?” he asked, as if he’d just remembered about the steaming bowl in his hands.
“No, I don’t think my stomach could handle it.” I answered. Just the smell alone was making my stomach churn.

“I have to go away tomorrow.” he said quietly, and almost shamefully.
“I know.” I said with a small smile. He brought his eyes back to mine with utter confusion. “I heard you and Gerard.” I explained, and he nodded in understanding. Frank was a very understanding guy. More understanding than I’d ever experienced in anyone before. It was nice. “How come you have to go to New York?” I asked inquisitively. My eyes still transfixed on Frank. He screwed up his face.
“Work.”
“Well don’t worry about me. I’ll survive.” I reassured him. “After all, I am a soldier.” I said with a proud expression, causing his to burst out laughing.
“The best soldier I’ve ever met.” he said with a cute smile.
“And how many soldiers have you ever met?” I asked him, with a raised eyebrow. He smiled and looked around the room with shifty eyes.
“One.” he finally said, causing me to instantly burst out laughing, and then instantly regret it and stop, from the feeling I was about to projectile vomit.

*

“So what’s happening tomorrow then?” he asked randomly as we watched a movie in my bedroom. He was lying on the bed next to me. I couldn’t believe he’d willingly lie with someone who keeps vomiting. No one else would ever do that. I don’t think any one else is insane enough to be honest. I looked at him confused, a flicker of fear ripped through my body. Had he found out? Had Dylan told him? “Well, in your sleep, you were muttering ‘20th July’.” he said curiously. A wave of relief washed over me, and I smiled a faint smile.
“I don’t have a clue. Must’ve been a dream.” I lied. I wish it was a dream. I wish it was all a big nightmare and I’d wake up any minute now. Under the blankets, I pinched my hand hard. This definitely wasn’t a dream. Frank looked at me skeptically before nodding in understanding. He knew I was lying. He knew I hadn’t told him much about myself and my past, but he seemed to see straight past my shell. Almost like he could crack me open with one look and see the truth I’ve kept hidden deep inside. However, what made me respect him is that I knew he was curious, but he never pushed me to tell him or reveal anything.

I felt a warm grasp on my hand and looked down to see my hand on top of the blankets. I’d unconsciously brought it up and rested it on the blanket after I pinched myself trying to wake myself from this terrible nightmare. Frank’s hand was encasing it gently, and he gave it a gentle squeeze. I looked up slowly and met with his hazel eyes, and small smile.
“You know you’re my best friend right? And that I’m always here to talk whenever you want to talk.” he said. I nodded and smiled up at him gratefully. He squeezed my hand again. I could translate what he had just told me.
I want to know what’s up with you, but I’m not going to force you to tell me
Is what he’s just said. It did make me feel a little bit better. Hearing that I was his best friend made me happy, and jolts of electricity jeered through my body, almost in celebration. It also felt nice to know that there was someone there willing to listen if I ever wanted to talk about anything.
“Promise?” I asked him and he smiled.
“Promise.” he said with a smile.
*
I woke up to a thumping headache. I sat up and shook my head, trying to shake way the after thoughts of my nightmare. It seemed much more vivid and real than it usually does. I made my way to the bathroom, and turned the shower on. I undressed, feeling as though I was stepping out of my shell, and stepped into the shower, allowing the warm water to spill over my body and wash away all thoughts I had after my nightmare. The warm water cleansed me if only for a few minutes, and eased my head and mind. I felt pure.

I opened my closet and pulled out that deep purple crushed velvet box. I admired the box for a few minutes as I tried to fight off the tears threatening to fall any minute now. I couldn’t believe I’d forgotten. After all those years, and I forget. What kind of selfish person am I? I made my way downstairs, and sat down on the sofa, resting the box on my lap. I opened the box, and pulled out the photograph. The twinkling green eyes shining up at me, I stroked the face in the photograph before putting it face down on the sofa, so I could no longer see the figure. I couldn’t stand to look at it. He stared back up at me with shame, and I couldn’t bare it. How could I forget him? I swallowed the lump formed in my throat and inhaled a deep breath of air, trying to compose myself. I turned my attention back to the box and saw the silver ring glistening back at me. I smiled and took it out of the box. I brought it up in front of my face, the clear diamond happily shining back at me. I smiled and slid the silver ring onto my finger. I straightened out my hand and admired it. I smiled faintly at it as I blocked out all emotions. I missed this ring, this feeling. I put the photograph back in the box and took the box back up to my room, putting it back neatly in my closet.

I felt better today, apart from my headache. I made my way downstairs and found some aspirin. I swallowed them, before noticing a yellow post it note stuck on the refrigerator. I walked over and took the note off the refrigerator.

Max, We’ve gone to New York. We were going to say goodbye, but we didn’t want to wake you. Hope your feeling better today. We’ve put out your medication on the table. Make sure you take it. Oh yeah, and we’ll phone you at about 2, to make sure your ok, and you’ve took the meds.
Mikey made you some soup, and it’s in the pot on the stove.
Feel better soon.
Mikey and Frank
xxxx

I smiled and turned around, allowing my eyes to land on the clock. 10:15. It was then that everything became dizzy, and I felt a low buzzing sound in my ears. I closed my eyes tightly, trying to make it all go away. My chest tightened, making it harder to breath and my heart rate tripled, giving me the feeling that my heart was about to explode. That or jump straight out of my chest. This all made me panic, making it even harder to breathe and my heart rate increased even more. I put my hands behind me, and felt for the wall. When my hands came into contact with the wall, I slid down it, resting myself on the floor, and cradling my head in my hands, wishing all of this would just subside. What brought it on? I don’t have a clue, but I do know that I have these panic attacks a lot. It’s been about a year since I had my last one. I had several a month as a child. Some say it’s hereditary. I guess it’s true. I mean my mom used to have frequent panic attacks also. I blame her.

When the buzzing in my ears subsided, I knew that the dizzy feeling had subsided also. They always occur simultaneously. Before I could try and lift my head, there was a knock on the front door. I snapped my head up. Who could be at the door? The guys were in New York, and I told Dylan and Billy not to come round today because I wanted to be on my own. I slowly stood up, tying to prevent myself from going dizzy again. I drew in breaths of air, trying to return my breathing and heart rate back to normal.

I slowly made my way into the living room, trying to quickly compose myself. I took a deep breath of air, before swinging the door open. I widened my eyes in shock when I saw Linda standing there, a sympathetic smile on her lips and her curls blowing in the summer breeze. She held a bowl in one hand, and used the other to tuck a curl behind her ear.
“Hi?” I said, allowing a confused smile to play on my lips.
“Hey honey. How are you feeling?” she asked, but before I could reply, she interrupted me.
“Are you ok? You’re really pale. You look as though you’ve just seen a ghost.” she said, with concern dripping from every word. I smiled, at the fact that this was the second time in two days I’ve had that said to me. Linda actually looked like she cared, which was more than my own mother did.
“Yeah I just uh-” I started, and scrunched up my face. “I just had a panic attack.” I said embarrassed. Her eyes widened and she flung her free arm around me, taking me by surprise. She held me in a tight short embrace, before pulling away, and stroking my cheek with her thumb. She was so motherly, it upset me. I’d never experienced anything like that. It’s something, that as a child I’d wish for. But it just goes to show, wishes really don’t come true.

When she pulled away, I motioned for her to come in. I didn’t really want any company today, but Linda had a motherly vibe that I craved, and just being with her comforted me.
“Franks not here.” I told her, as we entered the living room.
“Oh, I know.” she said happily, causing me to turn around and look at her with confused expression. “I came here to see you.” she explained, flashing a big warm smile at me. I couldn’t control the growing smile on my lips. “Frank told me yesterday you were unwell.” she said, as she made her way into the kitchen. I followed her and watched as she put the bowl on the side worktop. “I made you some chicken soup.” she said, turning around and flashing me her motherly smile, before walking over, and pulling out a chair, and forcing me to sit in it.
“Oh, I uh… I’m a vegetarian.” I said cautiously. I didn’t want to offend her or anything. She had taken the time to come over and look after me. She had taken the time to make me soup, and the last think I wanted was to appear as ungrateful. Her smile faded, and she looked at the wall, as if to be in thought.
“I’ll leave it here for Mikey then. That kid loves my chicken soup.” she said, her smile returning. I couldn’t get over how kind and caring she was. She reminded me of those movies, and in the suburbs, there’s this kind house wife, who loves to cook and look after everyone and anyone. I liked it.
“Frank and Mikey made me some soup too.” I said, motioning over to the pot on the stove. She followed my gaze, and smiled.
“Well, we’ll just eat this one then.” she said happily, before starting to prepare it.

*

“Have you been stressed lately?” Linda asked from nowhere, as we ate soup. I brought my eyes to her hazel ones, and scrunched up my nose, as she brushed a curl from her face.
“Not really, why?” I asked, as I brought another spoonful of soup to my mouth.
“Because as a nurse, I see a lot of patients with sudden illnesses that usually stem from being stressed.” she said casually, but I could hear the faint knowing hint in her voice. I looked away from her bright hazel eyes, much like Franks and looked down at my soup as I aimlessly stirred it with my spoon. “Honey, what’s wrong?” she inquired in her caring motherly tone. The kind that makes me just want to spill everything about myself. I looked up slowly, and met with her bright hazel eyes, piercing my own, as If in search for the truth in my soul. Either that or she was looking for a clue sketched in my eyes. I opened my mouth to say something, but closed it again when words failed me.
“Today is a really important day to me.” I started. She narrowed her eyes in confusion, but remained silent, as if waiting for me to continue and explain. “20th July.” I said, averting my eyes down at my soup again. I felt my mouth become dry. It’s the first time I’d ever shared any of this information with any one other than Dylan and Billy. I felt a warm presence on my right hand and looked to see Linda’s hand on mine reassuringly. She smiled at me, reminding me it was ok to continue. “But I completely forgot, and didn’t even remember until looked at the date on the calendar yesterday at work.” I said quietly and looked away from her. Her soft, kind gaze just making it harder to say. “And now I feel guilty, and that’s why I’ve been ill.” I said, feeling guilty for not only forgetting the day, but also for making people worry about me, when there really was nothing wrong, but guilt making me ill.
“Oh honey…” she said, as she rubbed my hand. I kept my gaze on the bowl of soup. Just the sights of it, making me feel ill again. I brought my free hand up and pushed the bowl away. “You’re engaged?” I heard Linda ask. I looked up confused, and followed her gaze to the silver ring on my finger. The diamond glinting happily.