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Cutler stood right in front of me, making no attempt to dodge out of the way of the pistol. I still couldn't decide what to do. There were so many options. I could die, he could die, we could both die, or neither of us could die. Hm, what should I do? My heart pounded against my ribcage as my mind spun, trying to make up its mind.

"Jenna," Cutler said firmly, "Listen to me." Not seeing why not to, I look at him with shaking hands and waited. Cutler raised an eyebrow and looked into my hysteric eyes. He slowly opened his lips and asked, "Are you really listening? You look like you're in some kind of trance." It was true. Perhaps I was in some kind of trance. Unfortunately, I didn't know how to break out of it.

Cutler sighed and spoke softly, "Do you really want to kill me? Is this a decision you're going to be happy with for the rest of your life? Do you want the man who loved you so many times to die? If so, go ahead and pull that trigger. But do think about it first." Cutler took another step forward so that the pistol was actually pressing against his forehead now.

"I know you still love me," Cutler whispered as he stepped even closer to me. "I know you want me by the way you're acting right now. You love me so much that you want to kill me for hurting you. I'm sorry I hurt you. I really am. I should've known you couldn't handle any more hurt when I married. That was selfish and impulsive. I'm sorry."

Cutler's apology made me lower the gun just a bit. Cutler watched my hand and slowly reached forward to take the pistol. I slapped his hand away and shook my head. In a shaky voice, I asked, "What makes you think I still love you? I don't! I know I don't..." It was all a lie, but I had to try and convince myself that I didn't love Cutler somehow or the other.

Cutler sighed and reached forward to place a hand on my inner thigh, "Because of this." I squealed as he touched me up there and felt a drip go down my leg and onto his finger. Cutler quickly pulled his hand away and gave me a knowing look, "See? You still do want me. You love me and don't want me to die. Now give me that pistol..."

My brain spun as Cutler reached for the pistol. I didn't want to give it to him. I really didn't! But he was also right; I didn't want to kill him either. The only left was for me to kill myself. In a quick movement, I pointed the gun at my heart and pulled the trigger. Cutler must've been anticipating my moves. He yanked me out of the way of the shot and wriggled the pistol out of my hand.

I sat in front of him, shaking and helpless. My screwed up brain felt fuzzy and I wasn't even sure what I was suppose to be doing anymore. Tears came to my eyes and I started to cry. I sobbed like a lost little baby who's hungry but doesn't have her mother to feed her. That was me. I wanted love and care but nobody was there to give me those things. Cutler was married after all.

Cutler tossed the pistol towards the door and sat on the bed next to me. He pulled me into his arms and hugged me tightly. Through my sobs, I managed to speak, "Need to shoot...punishment...for hurting you..." Cutler's eyebrows knotted together as he tried to figure out just what it was that I was trying to say. Finally, apprehension cleared his face.

"No, darling, you don't have to punish yourself," Cutler soothed in my ear, stroking my back. "It's all been long forgotten. I understand. You had a right to do that and to be angry. As I said, I was being selfish and an idiot. Of course it would send you over the edge if I got married. You wanted that kind of relationship with me. You still do, don't you?"

I thought about that and couldn't help but nod. I still wanted to share Cutler's bed and make children with him. He knew that. Cutler tucked me in against his chest and said, "It was my fault. But now I need one thing from you. You must promise not to try to hurt yourself ever again. You are listening to me, aren't you?" Cutler pulled back to look me in the eye.

Sighing, I nodded without really agreeing to anything. Looking at him out of the corner of my eye, I finally whispered, "What about your wife? Where is she now? I'm sure she's not too thrilled with you keeping me here in your bed." I gave Cutler a calculating look, trying to decide what it was that I wanted to do from here. To be honest, I wasn't sure.

Cutler looked at the floor and sighed, "I divorced her. Look. My wedding band is gone." He held out his hands for me to see. My jaw dropped as I gaped at his fingers. So Cutler had divorced his wife? But why? I thought he wanted children and a marriage. My eyebrows raised and I asked, "But why? You told me you wanted to marry. Why divorce?"

Cutler rolled his eyes, "Oh, I wonder why." Not getting his sarcasm, I just stared at him blankly for a few minutes. Finally, Cutler continued on, "You, of course. Maybe I want children. Maybe I do want a marriage. But I want you more. It broke my heart to see you so angry at me. You matter most to me. Even if I never have children or get married, I'll be happy if you'll stay with me."

Cutler's words made me look at him in a new lighting. He had given up a lot for me. There was absolutely no denying that. For some reason, all this news just made me sob harder. I clung to him and said, "It hurt so much. You know, watching you and her. I felt like I was going to die. Cutler, I love you so much. I love you more than anyone or anything."

"I know, I know," Cutler replied, looking guilty. "That night didn't mean anything, you know. It really didn't. It felt wrong. Let's just forget it and work on getting you healed, alright? You never have to go back to Ian ever. Isn't that good? You'll be with me now. You can just stay here and live in my home." Cutler held me tight and put his head on my shoulder.

Cutler's words soothed me and I felt myself calming down. I felt best when he said that it had felt so wrong when he had made love with that other woman. Cutler belong in my body, not hers. I was glad that he had finally realized that. It was obvious that we were a perfect match. He held me up emotionally. I kept him from having such a strict, rigid, and no-fun-and-all-work lifestyle. And physically, we were a perfect match. Our sexual encounters always felt right. Even that first time had felt right.

I fell asleep relatively quickly since I was so exhausted after my outburst from earlier. The next few months passed by fairly quickly. Mainly, Cutler helped heal me. He would give me bandages and ointment for my wounds. He would help feed me despite the fact that I was neglecting food again. And finally, he just kept me company and away from abusers.

The only thing that confused me was the way Cutler avoided anything sexual with me. He hadn't kissed me since he had rescued me. Nor had he touched my body in any sensitive place or had even looked at my privates. I found that kind of strange. Now that he was divorced, there was no reason for us not to start a relationship, right?

Now almost fully healed, I was stretching in bed one morning when Cutler came through the door. He gave me an affectionate smile and handed me a beautiful dress. It was cream color with a ruffled bodice and full skirt. Cutler leaned up against the bedpost and explained, "We're going out today. Why don't you change and we'll get going?"

I nodded and held up the dress, exclaiming, "Is this for me?" Cutler nodded and stepped out through the bedroom door again, calling behind him, "Go ahead and wear that and brush your hair. I'll be in the parlor." Cutler disappeared and locked the door behind him. I watched him go, still feeling a bit strange. Don't get me wrong, I loved the dress. By why was Cutler avoiding me?

He had seen me naked so many times that I couldn't even count them. But ever since he had rescued me from Ian, he hadn't wanted anything to do with me in that manner. Why? I remembered when the rough man had said all my body parts were ugly and used up. Was this perhaps the reason why Cutler wouldn't look at me in this way anymore?

I thought about this as I stripped and dressed in the new gown. I brushed my hair, applied a bit of makeup, and met Cutler back out in the parlor. He smiled when he saw me and murmured, "God, don't you look beautiful? Come along now. We're going to my office." Cutler held out his arm for me and I took it. We walked to his office, me wondering what we were doing there.

Abruptly, Cutler stopped and gave me a wary look. He spoke to me, "I have to meet with Ian for a few minutes. Shit, I didn't think about this. Would you like to go back home? I don't want the encounter to stir up any old emotions in you." I thought about Cutler's words. How would it affect me to see my old abuser again? He couldn't hurt me anymore, so I would be okay.

"No, I'm fine," I said as confidently as I could. Cutler gave me one more nervous look, but went ahead and nodded. We walked the rest of the way into his office in silence. Stepping inside, I saw that it had been redone and that everything was in a different place. I took a seat next to Cutler's desk as he sat down behind the desk. Old memories came back to me. I remembered the time Cutler and I had almost gotten caught having sex in here. Things were so much different now. Why wouldn't Cutler even look at my body?

A tear slowly dripped down my cheek as I stared at my feet sadly. Cutler saw the tear and frowned. He wiped it away and looked me in the eye, "Baby, what's wrong? Is it Ian? Perhaps I shouldn't have let you come with me." Cutler frowned and looked like he was regretting his decision to bring me along today. Little did he know that it had nothing to do with Ian.

"No, it's not about Ian," I sniffled, trying to compose myself. Sighing, Cutler stopped sorting documents and gave me his full attention. Looking me in the eye, he asked, "Alright then, what is it about? Go ahead and tell me. If anyone is going to understand, it will be me. Now tell me what's wrong." Cutler searched my eyes with his beautiful blue ones.

I hesitated, deciding I couldn't really tell Cutler what my problem was. Since we had avoided it for so long, now sex was an awkward subject. Not meeting his eyes, I said, "It's nothing. I'm fine. Really." Since I was a very bad liar and since Cutler was always very intuitive, he rolled his eyes and retorted, "It's obviously something. You know that I know when you're upset. Tell me what's wrong."

Sighing, I gave up trying to avoid the subject and decided to just tell him what was really bothering me. Looking up at him out of the corner of my eye, I questioned, "Why don't you want me anymore?" Cutler looked confused. Cocking his head at me, he murmured, "What do you mean? I don't understand. Of course I want you. Why else would I have you living in my home?"

"Like in a sexual way," I confirmed, giving him a funny look. Cutler blushed a pale pink and asked, "Why don't you think I want you sexually?" I immediately rattled off all the reasons since they had been swimming around in my head for so long, "Well, you won't touch me. You haven't kissed me. And you won't look at me naked. It's because I'm ugly now, isn't it?"

I hung my head sadly, wishing there was something I could do to make myself prettier. Cutler tilted my head right back up so that I was forced to look at him as he said, "I do want you. I just thought...well...Ian was selling your body. I thought you'd be afraid of sex. I didn't think you'd want anything between your legs for a long time. He did hurt you down there."

Shrugging, I nodded, "Well, yes. But I'm healed now. Its been months, hasn't it?" Cutler thought about that and nodded. Going on, he continued, "The reason I haven't touched you is because I don't want to hurt you or scare you away from me. If I kiss you, I'm going to want to do more. There's no stopping that. If I want to do more, I'll lose control and hurt you again. See?"

Cutler's words did make sense. That didn't stop me from wanting him though. Reaching forward, I laid a tentative hand on his chest and murmured, "I'm all better now. It doesn't hurt anymore. We don't have to keep pushing this affection down. I really want you. I kept thinking you didn't want me in this way anymore. I thought you thought I was ugly..."

"No, no, no," Cutler denied. For the first time in months, he let his eyes wander my body, focusing on my curves and on my cleavage. Yes, somehow I had developed cleavage after I started eating and gaining weight. Weird, huh? Cutler leaned forward and whispered in my ear, "I would never think you're ugly. I love you." With that, Cutler reached down to lift my skirt up.