Categories > Celebrities > Motley Crue > But I Love You
Later that afternoon Mick found me. It’s not like I’m hard to find. I’m either causing shit with Nikki, getting incredibly wasted with Vince or I’m beating the shit out of my drums.
Mick stood in the doorway watching me for a minute before he came in. Mick is usually the voice of reason. He’s the go-to-guy when things get tough. I don’t know why; that’s just the way it goes sometimes. I mean when management is acting like dicks and you knew that going to Fred would result in something getting broken; it was Mick that you could go to.
I stopped beating on my drums. “What’s up Mick?” For reasons unknown to me my heart started to speed up, my palms got sweaty and I could feel the sweat beading on my forehead.
Mick walked all the way into the room and settled himself in a chair. “When are you going to tell him?”
I faked confusion; there was no way that he could be talking about what I thought he was. As far as I knew nobody knew how I felt about Nikki. I had played it cool. I acted like I was perfectly happy being his best friend, even though I desperately wanted to be more than that but I knew that it wasn’t worth risking a friendship for.
“When am I going to tell who what?”
Mick smiled at me. I could tell that he could see right through me; he knew that I knew exactly what he meant. “Come on Tommy. You can’t lie worth shit and you know that. So when are you going to tell him?”
I stood up and walked over to him. “I can’t tell him ever. I know that he doesn’t feel the same way and I would rather never tell him how I feel then have him hate me, make fun of me, be disgusted or worse. No way man.” I shook my head.
“I’m sure it won’t be as bad as all that. He’s worried about you; he’s not sure what exactly is going on but he has a pretty good idea,” at the look of panic I gave him he added, “or at least he thinks he does.”
I was shaking my head again, “You can’t tell him.”
Mick looked at me, his eyes full of concern. “Is that why you think I came to find you? So that I could threaten to tell him? Come on T, you know me better than that.”
I shrugged, I wasn’t sure. I didn’t want to risk coming off like a complete ass. The fact was that I was so sued to having to be secretive or having people around me to use me and nothing else, that I was afraid that was what Mick was doing now. But my heart told me Mick wouldn’t do that; if he had wanted to do that he wouldn’t have waited until now to do it.
“Tommy. We know how you can get sometimes. I know that keeping this a secret is killing you. I think that you should sit down and tell him exactly how you feel. I’ll make sure that nothing happens to you. I promise you, you will not get ridiculed or kicked out of Motley. But I do think that it’s important for you to tell Sixx.”
I was touched that he was willing to do that for me. I couldn’t think of anyone (aside from Nikki) who would do that. I figured since he’d been willing to do that for me it was the least that I could do. “Okay. I’ll get him alone tonight and I’ll tell him.”
Mick smiled. “Good luck, T-Bone.” As he walked out of the room, I sat back behind my drums. Of course I had told him I would do it but deep down I think that even Mick knew that I had no intention of saying anything to Nikki. I beat the shit out of my drums in a vain attempt to make to make myself feel better.
I must have been really into my beat because I hadn’t heard anyone come in but the next time I looked up Nikki was standing there, hands in his pockets, staring at me like he had in idea what in hell I was doing. I stopped pounding on my drums. “Hey Nikki.”
“Tommy.”
I could see the suspicion in his eyes and for one terrifying moment I thought for sure that Mick had lied to me. I thought that he had told Nikki everything. In that moment I could see my career vanishing, slipping through my fingers and there wasn’t anything that I could do about it. I could feel my eyes becoming wet, I was going to start crying and there was nothing I could do to stop that either.
The worst part was that Nikki just stood there, hands still jammed in his pockets, looking like he expected me to say something but I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t speak around the lump in my throat. I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out. I took a deep breath and tried to talk again but once again nothing came out. I was nervous, so I sat there, mute, sweaty and shaking.
Nikki stepped closer; he was standing less than a foot away. As he stood looking into my eyes I could feel the first tear slip from them. Nikki’s eyes softened and he walked around to my side of the drums. He took the drumsticks from my hand and lifted my head up. I can’t say for certain when I had stopped looking at him and had found the floor interesting.
“Tommy, what’s wrong?”
I shook my head. I couldn’t understand why he was acting this way. “Nothing.”
Nikki shook his head. “No way, man. I just talked to Mick and he said that you wanted to talk to me. So I walk all the way down here, just so you can tell me it’s nothing?”
I sighed, so Mick had tipped him off. I decided right then and there that the next time I saw Mick I was going to beat him into a bloody pulp. “It’s just Mick fucking around I guess.”
Nikki let go of my chin; I thought that I had successfully managed to lie. I thought that with that we could go back to the way that we had been. But I could tell by the way that he was looking at me that we weren’t through yet.
“What do you call that?”
“Call what?”
“Tommy, a five year old, can lie better than you. That and I’ve known you since you were 17. If I can’t tell when you’re lying, what kind of friend would I be?”
I sighed. “It’s nothin’. It’ll work itself out.” I picked up my sticks, hoping that Nikki would get the hint that as far as I was concerned the conversation was done.
Apparently Nikki had other ideas. Nikki’s not a small man by any means and I know that he can have a pretty quick temper but even I didn’t see it coming. He grabbed the sticks out of my hand and tossed them across the room.
“Tommy, I want to know what’s bothering you. I’m not leaving until you tell me.”
“Fuck this.” I walked around the drum set and hurried to the door. Nikki grabbed my arm and yanked me back into the room, closing the door and locking it. “What the fuck, dude?”
“Sit down.”
I was furious. I hadn’t felt this angry in quite awhile. I wanted to beat his head in with my bare hands. I was the one yelling and he was as cool as a cucumber. I didn’t want to sit; I didn’t want to be rational. I wanted to scream and punch something. In short I just wanted to throw a temper tantrum.
Last week if someone had told me that I’d have Nikki alone in a room with the door locked I would have laughed at them. Only because, at that point, me and my twisted imagination would be thinking of all the crazy, nasty things we would be doing in that room. Now I just wanted to be left alone. When I refused to sit Nikki pushed me so that I was sitting in a chair.
He knelt in front of the chair. “Like I said, neither one of us is leaving until you tell me exactly what is going on with you.”
All I could do was sit there shaking my head. I wanted all of this to be a bad dream, I wished that I would blink and suddenly find myself in my own room; anything to get away from this situation that had no choice but to end badly.
I could see the thunderclouds forming in his eyes. I knew that he would try to keep his temper but I also knew that he Nikki being the way that he was; he would only put up with my silence for so long and then he would resort to violence. I knew that this wasn’t just Nikki’s way of dealing with things; this was the way that we all dealt with things. It was the only way that we knew how to deal with anything. I would be the first to admit that it wasn’t the best way to handle any situation, but when management isn’t any different I didn’t understand how they expected us to change. Now I was staring into his eyes and wishing that he’d just give up and go away. I knew that there was very little chance of that happening.
Nikki put both of his hands on my knees, causing me to involuntarily jump. He raised an eyebrow. “Tommy?”
I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and prayed that my pulse would slow down and that I would be bale to tell him exactly what was wrong with me without being a stuttering mess. I opened my eyes and put my hands on top of his. I saw his look of concern and knew that I had to tell him before I gave us both a heart attack.
“Nikki. I love you.” I closed my eyes as I readied myself for the rejection and comments of disgust that I was sure he would spew at any moment. What I hadn’t expected was that he would laugh.
“T-Bone, you’re an idiot. Here I was thinking that there was something really wrong and you’re just telling me something that I already know.” He clapped me on the shoulder, still laughing. “I love you too.”
At that moment, I knew that it was a lost cause. “Not what I meant.” I muttered. I thought that I had said it quietly enough that he wouldn’t catch it; but judging by the shocked look Nikki had caught what I said.
“I think I know what you mean but I want you to tell me.” He said slowly.
I knew that it was either now or never. “I love you. I don’t think that there was a time that I didn’t love you.”
Now I wanted him to say something, anything. Even if it was how disgusting he thought I was and that he wanted me out of Motley Crue. I would’ve even settled for getting punched in the face or beaten until I was an unrecognizable heap of blood. But he didn’t do that; instead he did something that I saw as much worse. He stood up, backed away from me, unlocked the door and left.
Mick stood in the doorway watching me for a minute before he came in. Mick is usually the voice of reason. He’s the go-to-guy when things get tough. I don’t know why; that’s just the way it goes sometimes. I mean when management is acting like dicks and you knew that going to Fred would result in something getting broken; it was Mick that you could go to.
I stopped beating on my drums. “What’s up Mick?” For reasons unknown to me my heart started to speed up, my palms got sweaty and I could feel the sweat beading on my forehead.
Mick walked all the way into the room and settled himself in a chair. “When are you going to tell him?”
I faked confusion; there was no way that he could be talking about what I thought he was. As far as I knew nobody knew how I felt about Nikki. I had played it cool. I acted like I was perfectly happy being his best friend, even though I desperately wanted to be more than that but I knew that it wasn’t worth risking a friendship for.
“When am I going to tell who what?”
Mick smiled at me. I could tell that he could see right through me; he knew that I knew exactly what he meant. “Come on Tommy. You can’t lie worth shit and you know that. So when are you going to tell him?”
I stood up and walked over to him. “I can’t tell him ever. I know that he doesn’t feel the same way and I would rather never tell him how I feel then have him hate me, make fun of me, be disgusted or worse. No way man.” I shook my head.
“I’m sure it won’t be as bad as all that. He’s worried about you; he’s not sure what exactly is going on but he has a pretty good idea,” at the look of panic I gave him he added, “or at least he thinks he does.”
I was shaking my head again, “You can’t tell him.”
Mick looked at me, his eyes full of concern. “Is that why you think I came to find you? So that I could threaten to tell him? Come on T, you know me better than that.”
I shrugged, I wasn’t sure. I didn’t want to risk coming off like a complete ass. The fact was that I was so sued to having to be secretive or having people around me to use me and nothing else, that I was afraid that was what Mick was doing now. But my heart told me Mick wouldn’t do that; if he had wanted to do that he wouldn’t have waited until now to do it.
“Tommy. We know how you can get sometimes. I know that keeping this a secret is killing you. I think that you should sit down and tell him exactly how you feel. I’ll make sure that nothing happens to you. I promise you, you will not get ridiculed or kicked out of Motley. But I do think that it’s important for you to tell Sixx.”
I was touched that he was willing to do that for me. I couldn’t think of anyone (aside from Nikki) who would do that. I figured since he’d been willing to do that for me it was the least that I could do. “Okay. I’ll get him alone tonight and I’ll tell him.”
Mick smiled. “Good luck, T-Bone.” As he walked out of the room, I sat back behind my drums. Of course I had told him I would do it but deep down I think that even Mick knew that I had no intention of saying anything to Nikki. I beat the shit out of my drums in a vain attempt to make to make myself feel better.
I must have been really into my beat because I hadn’t heard anyone come in but the next time I looked up Nikki was standing there, hands in his pockets, staring at me like he had in idea what in hell I was doing. I stopped pounding on my drums. “Hey Nikki.”
“Tommy.”
I could see the suspicion in his eyes and for one terrifying moment I thought for sure that Mick had lied to me. I thought that he had told Nikki everything. In that moment I could see my career vanishing, slipping through my fingers and there wasn’t anything that I could do about it. I could feel my eyes becoming wet, I was going to start crying and there was nothing I could do to stop that either.
The worst part was that Nikki just stood there, hands still jammed in his pockets, looking like he expected me to say something but I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t speak around the lump in my throat. I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out. I took a deep breath and tried to talk again but once again nothing came out. I was nervous, so I sat there, mute, sweaty and shaking.
Nikki stepped closer; he was standing less than a foot away. As he stood looking into my eyes I could feel the first tear slip from them. Nikki’s eyes softened and he walked around to my side of the drums. He took the drumsticks from my hand and lifted my head up. I can’t say for certain when I had stopped looking at him and had found the floor interesting.
“Tommy, what’s wrong?”
I shook my head. I couldn’t understand why he was acting this way. “Nothing.”
Nikki shook his head. “No way, man. I just talked to Mick and he said that you wanted to talk to me. So I walk all the way down here, just so you can tell me it’s nothing?”
I sighed, so Mick had tipped him off. I decided right then and there that the next time I saw Mick I was going to beat him into a bloody pulp. “It’s just Mick fucking around I guess.”
Nikki let go of my chin; I thought that I had successfully managed to lie. I thought that with that we could go back to the way that we had been. But I could tell by the way that he was looking at me that we weren’t through yet.
“What do you call that?”
“Call what?”
“Tommy, a five year old, can lie better than you. That and I’ve known you since you were 17. If I can’t tell when you’re lying, what kind of friend would I be?”
I sighed. “It’s nothin’. It’ll work itself out.” I picked up my sticks, hoping that Nikki would get the hint that as far as I was concerned the conversation was done.
Apparently Nikki had other ideas. Nikki’s not a small man by any means and I know that he can have a pretty quick temper but even I didn’t see it coming. He grabbed the sticks out of my hand and tossed them across the room.
“Tommy, I want to know what’s bothering you. I’m not leaving until you tell me.”
“Fuck this.” I walked around the drum set and hurried to the door. Nikki grabbed my arm and yanked me back into the room, closing the door and locking it. “What the fuck, dude?”
“Sit down.”
I was furious. I hadn’t felt this angry in quite awhile. I wanted to beat his head in with my bare hands. I was the one yelling and he was as cool as a cucumber. I didn’t want to sit; I didn’t want to be rational. I wanted to scream and punch something. In short I just wanted to throw a temper tantrum.
Last week if someone had told me that I’d have Nikki alone in a room with the door locked I would have laughed at them. Only because, at that point, me and my twisted imagination would be thinking of all the crazy, nasty things we would be doing in that room. Now I just wanted to be left alone. When I refused to sit Nikki pushed me so that I was sitting in a chair.
He knelt in front of the chair. “Like I said, neither one of us is leaving until you tell me exactly what is going on with you.”
All I could do was sit there shaking my head. I wanted all of this to be a bad dream, I wished that I would blink and suddenly find myself in my own room; anything to get away from this situation that had no choice but to end badly.
I could see the thunderclouds forming in his eyes. I knew that he would try to keep his temper but I also knew that he Nikki being the way that he was; he would only put up with my silence for so long and then he would resort to violence. I knew that this wasn’t just Nikki’s way of dealing with things; this was the way that we all dealt with things. It was the only way that we knew how to deal with anything. I would be the first to admit that it wasn’t the best way to handle any situation, but when management isn’t any different I didn’t understand how they expected us to change. Now I was staring into his eyes and wishing that he’d just give up and go away. I knew that there was very little chance of that happening.
Nikki put both of his hands on my knees, causing me to involuntarily jump. He raised an eyebrow. “Tommy?”
I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and prayed that my pulse would slow down and that I would be bale to tell him exactly what was wrong with me without being a stuttering mess. I opened my eyes and put my hands on top of his. I saw his look of concern and knew that I had to tell him before I gave us both a heart attack.
“Nikki. I love you.” I closed my eyes as I readied myself for the rejection and comments of disgust that I was sure he would spew at any moment. What I hadn’t expected was that he would laugh.
“T-Bone, you’re an idiot. Here I was thinking that there was something really wrong and you’re just telling me something that I already know.” He clapped me on the shoulder, still laughing. “I love you too.”
At that moment, I knew that it was a lost cause. “Not what I meant.” I muttered. I thought that I had said it quietly enough that he wouldn’t catch it; but judging by the shocked look Nikki had caught what I said.
“I think I know what you mean but I want you to tell me.” He said slowly.
I knew that it was either now or never. “I love you. I don’t think that there was a time that I didn’t love you.”
Now I wanted him to say something, anything. Even if it was how disgusting he thought I was and that he wanted me out of Motley Crue. I would’ve even settled for getting punched in the face or beaten until I was an unrecognizable heap of blood. But he didn’t do that; instead he did something that I saw as much worse. He stood up, backed away from me, unlocked the door and left.
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