FicWad

We didn’t speak for almost a week. When I tried to talk to him after rehearsals he always had something that he had to do. I felt so lost; I had known that telling him was a mistake. It got so bad that I sat down and had a talk with Mick.
He wasn’t hard to find. He was beside his car in the parking lot just getting ready to leave. It was no secret that rehearsals took a lot out of him and he was usually sore and tired afterward.
I opened his car door for him. “If you want I can drive you home, I want to talk to you anyway.” I knew that he wouldn’t refuse; I knew that he was exhausted and that he would probably use the forty minutes that it would take to drive him home to nap.
An hour later we were sitting in his living room. “What’s this about Tommy?”
I was fidgety but at the same time I was shaking. I felt my heart beat speeding up. And judging by the look that Mick was giving me, he probably figured that I had some very bad news. “It’s all gone to shit, man. I did what you suggested; I told Sixx how I felt and he walked out on me. It’s all your fault. I would’ve been perfectly happy living in denial but no; you had to plant the stupid idea of telling him in my head. Now I’m pretty sure that I lost my best friend. And I’m almost certain that if I don’t get kicked out of Motley that Nikki would either intentionally or unintentionally make it miserable for me. What am I supposed to fucking do now, dude?”
Mick sighed, “Okay, the first thing you’re going to do is calm down. You probably know Nikki better than anyone. If he tries to force you out I’ll go head-to-head with him. As long as you want to be a part of the Crue, then you’ll stay exactly where you are. If you want; I’ll go talk to Nikki.”
I just sat there shaking like a leaf. This was not the way that I had wanted things to go. I knew that Mick was waiting for me to answer him. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do. I hate confrontation and I really wish that people could just get along. I nodded; knowing if things did go sour between Nikki and I; at least I would still have a friend.
Mick stood up, walked over to me and put his hand on my shoulder. “Don’t worry. It’ll all be okay; trust me. Now I’m really, really tired. I am going to bed. You can drive my car to your home and pick me up in the morning. You parked your motorcycle in the underground garage; right?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay, then it’ll be fine. I’ll see you in the morning.”
I nodded. I was half-tempted to ask Mick if he needed anything before I left but I knew better. Mick is a very private and quiet person. I didn’t want him to feel cornered or like I thought he couldn’t do something. So I walked out of his house, closing the door behind me.
By the time I got home the light on my answering machine was blinking. I pressed the button and automatically I heard Nikki’s voice.
“Hey Tommy, it’s Nikki. I think that it would be beneficial if we talked. So please call me when you get this message. Bye.”
For a few minutes I just stared at the machine. I was at a loss. I decided that it was time to man-up. I would call Nikki, and if we fought, then at least I would know where I stood. With very unsteady fingers, I dialed his number, when it rang for the seventh time I was about to hang up. Then as luck would have it, he picked up his phone.
“Hello?”
“Hey Sixx, it’s Tommy.”
“T-Bone. Did you get my message?”
“Yeah. When did you want to talk?”
“As soon as possible.”
I tried to swallow around the lump in my throat. I couldn’t help the sick feeling I had in my stomach. If I wasn’t careful I was going to vomit. “I could meet you now.”
“Great. My place or yours?”
“Mine?” I desperately wanted him to agree. I was a wreck at the thought of what he could have to say. I wanted to be near my Koi pond. The sounds of the water flowing through the filter, the lazy way they would swim, sometimes bumping right into each other had a calming effect on me. I really needed that.
There was a pause over the phone. “Okay Tommy. I’ll be there in about ten minutes.”
“Okay man, see you then.”
“Yep. Bye.”
I hung up the phone and waited. After about two minutes I couldn’t take it anymore, so I went into the kitchen and started the coffee maker. What I really wanted was a shot of Jager but I figured that could wait until after Nikki and I talked. I knew that I would need the alcohol more after he left.
He didn’t bother to knock on my door. He knew that if I was home the door was unlocked. I chuckled as I realized how many times he had found me passed out beside or under my Jager machine.
“T-Bone, where are you?”
“Kitchen.”
He walked into my kitchen and I tried to memorize everything about him. I knew in my heart, that this was probably going to be the last time that I saw him and was able to speak to him; so I was determined to make the most of it.
“Coffee?”
Nikki smiled. “Sure.”
He was quiet as I poured the coffee, and while I put the milk and sugar on the table. Once the coffee was prepared I made the suggestion to sit by my fish. Nikki gave me this really weird look but didn’t object.
I sat holding my cup and watching my fish. I was petrified. For a while neither one of us spoke, it was almost as if we were both waiting for the other one to speak. Finally Nikki spoke.
“I don’t want you to talk; I just want you to listen. I’m sorry that I acted like an asshole but I was trying to process what you had said. I understand the amount of courage it must’ve taken for you to tell me. You’re my best friend and I hope that will never change.”
I shook my head. I couldn’t bear to hear another word. I was about to interrupt him. I wanted to tell him that he didn’t have to put us both through this hell. All he had to say was whether he wanted me out of the band or not. I had almost completely stopped listening to him. I was lost in thought and watching my Koi repeatedly bump into one another.
A snapping of fingers in my face let me know that I had drifted off too far into my own mind almost completely tuning him out. I had known that I had a tendency to do that; it came with the habit of being easily distracted. Although at this point that had not been my attention. I shook my head again. “I’m sorry Nikki, I didn’t mean to space out.”
Nikki smiled and I could feel my heart melt inside my chest. It was ridiculous how this man could affect me with just a simple smile. “I know man. It’s all good.”
I knew that what I was about to do was probably incredibly stupid but I had to do it. I had to know that if I quit Motley Crue or got kicked out that I had done what I had wanted. I leaned forward almost as if I wanted to share a secret with him but instead of whispering in his ear, I kissed him.
When the kiss ended I saw his wide eyes. He wasn’t exactly sure what to make of what he just did, wasn’t sure how to react. I thought for sure that he would punch me; I was glad that he didn’t. At the same time I was mentally holding my breath. He hadn’t said anything or even moved. “Nikki, could you please say something?”
He licked his lips and ran a hand through his messy hair. When he still failed to speak I was sure of two things. I was absolutely positive that our friendship was over and judging by how fast my heart was pounding in my chest; I was going to have a heart attack.
I must have awakened something in him because at first he smirked at me and then he kissed me back. I felt him press up against me; he put his hands around my waist and pulled us into a standing position. I wanted to have him right there but one of the few areas of my brain that was still working pointed out that the floor probably wasn’t the most comfortable places and that Nikki being the control freak that he was, if there was going to be any fucking (which at this point I highly doubted) he was going to fuck me.
When we finally broke for air he looked surprised. “What?”
He shrugged, “I’m not sure where that came from.”
As I looked at him, he looked scared. It was like Nikki Sixx and his alter ego Sikki Nixx had left, leaving just Frank behind. And Frank was more often than not, scared shitless when it came to the world around him. I wanted to hold him tightly and somehow manage to convince him that everything was okay. I smiled; trying to get him to realize that everything was just fine.
Nikki shook his head. I knew that although I was fine with my sexuality, I had the feeling that Nikki was less than sure. I didn’t want to make Nikki feel as though he didn’t have a choice or make him feel pressured. I knew that Nikki very rarely (if ever) did something that he didn’t want to do.
“Nikki what’s the matter?”
Nikki seemed to snap back into himself. “Nothing. I just…” He took a deep breath. “I didn’t know how I feel.”
I had never seen Nikki looking so at odds with himself. It was an unusual look for him; this was mainly because for as long as I had known him he had been strong and self-assured. I cracked a smile; I didn’t even care if I didn’t really feel it.
“That’s okay. If you need some time to try and figure things out I can wait. No matter how long it takes. Take all the time you need.” Despite what I said, despite the smile that I wore, I could feel my heart shattering. I knew what that sentence meant; it was the equivalent of ‘’I love you, I’m just not in love with you.’ To me that hurt worse; then if he had just told me that he didn’t feel the same about me as I did about him. I knew that if I wanted him to believe me I was going to have to be patient.
Nikki, on the other hand, looked shocked. I knew that the answer I had given him was not what he had been expecting. But in all honesty, I loved him with all my heart and would never do anything to hurt him.
“I’m going to go. I’m not mad or anything. I need to clear my head and try to sort things out. I’ll call you later.” Nikki said as he turned to leave.
I nodded; the only thing I wanted to do was hold him close and somehow convince him that I would protect him. But I knew what he needed right now, more than anything was his space. I could feel my heartbreaking as he closed the door, leaving me alone and feeling completely miserable.