FicWad

DESOLÉ
Only three more weeks left in the tour before we split in half and MSI goes to Europe while my band and MCR continues to tour the US. In other words, only three more weeks of secrecy before Gerard left Lindsey and we made our relationship public. The entire pregnancy scare all seemed like a wicked nightmare, the kind that haunt you all through childhood. I was still afraid that the doctor was mistaken and I actually was pregnant, but Gerard assured me that that was all behind us now. We were being extremely cautious, with me on birth control and Gerard using condoms every time.

All in all, it was pretty smooth sailing so far. But there was a lingering feeling of doom on the horizon, waiting and biding its time until the right moment to try and rip Gerard and me apart. And that impending doom was Lindsey, and the fact that Gerard couldn’t avoid having sex with her forever no matter how hard he tried. I promised to Gerard that I wouldn’t get jealous, but I knew it was a lie. After he’d been so strong for me in the time we’ve been together, it was about time that I be strong for him.

“Des, can I talk to you real quick?” Gerard asked backstage. I had just gotten off stage, the shows were over for the night. He was trying to make it seem like a casual conversation but I could see in his eyes that something was killing him. I nodded somberly, having an idea about what he was going to say.

“Lindsey’s been after for a long time now and I know that of I don’t sleep with her tonight, she’ll get suspicious. I can’t come see you tonight. I have to be with her.” Gerard said, his voice grave and full of heartbreak. I drew a shaky breath and nodded again.

“I don’t want you to sleep with her.” I mumbled to myself, staring down at my boots sadly. I couldn’t look him in the eye just yet, I hadn’t mustered enough courage. Gerard sighed, sounding almost frustrated.

“She’ll find out…” he said bitterly. I bit the side of my lip and said nothing. “You promised, you promised to me that you wouldn’t be jealous. Come on, it’ll be okay.” he said, looking around to make sure nobody could see before he gently brushed my cheek with the back of his hand. I shook my head fervently.

“No, it won’t.” I said stubbornly. Gerard tilted him head with his hand so that I was staring him right in the eyes.

“Yes, it will.” he said very firmly. I couldn’t argue with him. I didn’t have it in me. “I have to go, she’s waiting for me.” he said after a few seconds of silence.

“No, don’t go just yet.” I begged, grabbing his arm as he turned to leave. He sighed again and stood very close to me but couldn’t hug me because we were in public. I just wanted him to hold me before he went running off with Lindsey, but we couldn’t. Why was this so hard? I mean, I never expected it to be easy, but come on. This just wasn’t fair to either of us.

“Hey you guys what’s going on?” Lindsey asked, skipping up beside us and locking her arms around Gerard. I felt a pang of anger shoot through me as she leaned up and kissed his cheek.

“Nothing, just talking about the great show tonight.” I said blankly, finding myself unable to look at them. Lindsey nodded in agreement.

“I’m glad you two are friends. But Gerard, we’d better get going.” She said with a smile. I wanted to smack that smirk off her face, but stood perfectly still. Gerard nodded and she started pulling him away. As he walked past, he brushed his hand against mine. I watched hopelessly as she pulled him through the crowd, stealing him away from me.

As soon as they disappeared I ran off to my dressing room and slammed the door. I sat on the floor and pulled my knees up around me before starting to cry hysterically. Images of their bodies entwining, their lips meeting and parting, kept flashing through my mind no matter how hard I tried to push them out. I wondered how long her perfume would stick to him. I wondered if I would gag at the scent of it. I thought about tomorrow and how wretched it would be to have to see her face, knowing what they were doing tonight. I tried desperately to push this haunting thoughts from my head but nothing was working. Somebody started pounding on the door and I yelled for them to go away.

“Hey, its Milo! Why are you crying babe?” He called through the door. I cried a little harder because I couldn’t tell him what was wrong, I never could. I had to lie to him about his an everything else. This was tearing me apart.

“Go away!” I yelled through my tears. My sobs were racking through my entire body. Thick, fat tears squeezed from my eyes. I couldn’t control it. My entire body was shaking.

“If you don’t open this door, I’ll break it down! Open the damn door!” Milo shouted. I stood up on buckling knees but made no move to the door.

“No!” I screamed, my voice sounding like fabric shredding. I could feel strands of my hair sticking to my tear streaked cheeks and I didn’t move them of brush them away. There was a loud cracking sound as the door swung open as Milo kicked it in. I just stood there, my shoulders shaking with sobs and he raced toward me before pulling me into a tight hug.

“Tell me what’s wrong!” he demanded. I wanted so badly just to open up and confess everything to him, but I couldn’t. I wanted to fall in his arms and cry and be comforted. But I couldn’t and he had no way of understanding that.

“I can’t!” I cried out. He grabbed my shoulder and shook my shoulder and continued to demand what was going on. “I can’t, I can’t, I can’t.” I wailed hopelessly.

“God damn it Des! You’ve been acting like a crazy person through out this entire fucking tour! And you won’t tell me what’s wrong! You’re an emotional wreck, you’ve turned into a complete nut case! One minute you’ll be all smiles and laughs but then the next you’ll be in the bathroom screaming! Why won’t you let me help you? Its driving me insane to see you like this, Des.” he shouted at me, throwing his hands up in exasperation. I only stood there and cried. “Does this have to do with Gerard? At least tell me that much.” he begged.

“It does, but that’s all I can tell you.” I whimpered. Milo blew up at me.

“You are going crazy over a guy you left five years ago! You’re delusional Des. You need to get the fuck over this, its killing you.” he spat angrily. I opened my mouth to protest and he gave me a sharp slap across the face. I just gaped at him, weeping and reeling as my cheek burned.

“Wake up Des.” he said sternly. “I may not know what’s going on now, but trust me, I will find out.” he vowed. I watched him turn on his heel and leave, slamming the door so hard behind him it made me just.

I stared at myself in the mirror. My make up was running down my cheeks and the left side of my face was bright red from where Milo had slapped me. I wasn’t mad at him, I didn’t blame him at all. Even though the reason he slapped me wasn’t the reason I had been crying, I probably would’ve hit me too if I were him. My sobs died down until I was just sitting there, staring in the mirror and shaking slightly. I was an awful friend for lying to Milo. But how could I possibly tell him the truth when there was so much at stake? It was like everything hope and prayer was resting upon Gerard and I not getting caught.

But Milo’s last words to me sent a shiver down my back. Milo was a great sleuth. He’d always had a knack for finding and figuring out what somebody was up to. He always had the latest gossip on everybody. I was actually surprised he hadn’t figured us out yet.

I heard the door of my dressing room creak open and figured it was just Milo, coming back to apologize about hitting me. I didn’t look up and mumbled for him to go away, but it wasn’t Milo’s voice that replied.

“What’s wrong?” Asked Gerard. My heart leapt and I jumped up and spun around to see him shutting the door behind him. I scoffed angrily at him.

“As if you don’t know.” I spat, finally wiping my tear stained cheeks and tucking my hair behind my ears.

“You were crying?” he asked, sounding as though he was the one who was hurting. This made me furious.

“Of course I was crying! You just went off to make love to another women and left me here!” I snapped at him. “It broke me heart, Gerard.”

“I told you, I had to otherwise she would’ve suspected something!” he snapped right back. I rolled my eyes.

“Am I just the other women to you? Is sex what makes up our entire relationship? Is sex what hold you to me?” I asked, letting my heartbreak show through my sorrowful eyes.

“No, love holds you to me.” Gerard said firmly. I scoffed again and repeated the word. “You have no idea how hard this is for me!” Gerard finally shouted.

“Hard for you? Hard for you! All you have to do is fuck her brains out to keep her from suspecting anything! The only thing hard about that is you dick!” I said, throwing it right back in his face.

“I didn’t fuck her, okay? I didn’t lay a damn hand on her!“ Gerard yelled, sounding deeply hurt by what I had said.

“What? Then what are you doing here?” I asked quietly, the anger suddenly vanishing from me completely. Now I was filled with regret for yelling at him like that. I walked over and flung my arms around him, shutting my tired eyes and just focusing on the fact that he was here with me.

“I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t go through with it. We was kissing me and all I could think about was you and I just couldn’t do it.” he said, sounding traumatized by the whole event. I ran my fingers through his hair.

“Oh Gerard, I’m sorry I blew up at you like that. I was just frustrated and angry and scared…” I apologized quietly.

“Scared?” He asked, furrowing his brow. I nodded.

“Scared I was going to loose you to her.” I mumbled. I felt irrational and stupid. Gerard chuckled, only deepening these feelings.

“You have to wrapped too tightly around your finger to loose me.” He assured me, pulling me back into the hug. I rested my head on his shoulder and shut my eyes, concentrating on that fact that I was actually holding him.

“How did you get away from Lindsey?” I asked, not moving or even opening my eyes. I was too at peace to move.

“I told her I had a headache and that tonight wasn’t a good night. Then I went out to get some medicine or something.” he explained.

“Hm…” I murmured, not opening my lips. We stood like that for what felt like hours, just letting the love radiate from each of us. I think I must’ve fallen asleep standing up because the next thing I knew I’d awoke with a start because I had an idea.

“Are you okay?” Gerard asked when I had jumped. We pulled away from each other a little reluctantly and stretched for a few seconds.

“Yeah, I just have an idea.” I said slyly. Gerard raised one eyebrow and I led him to the center of the room. “Lay down on the floor.” I commanded. He laughed and did as he was told.

“I think I like where this is going.” he chuckled, wiggling out of his jacket.

“Oh you will…I haven’t done the splits in a long, long time. I wanna know if I can still do them.” I hinted. Gerard raised his eyebrows and I stood above him, each of my legs on one side of him. Slowly, I lowered myself, finding that it was easy . Soon I was doing a perfect split right on top of him and I could feel his manhood fighting to escape the confines of his pants.

“Shit…you have no idea what this is doing for me.” he said, his voice a breathy gasp. I rested my elbows on his chest and stroked his face softly with my finger tips.

“Oh believe me, I know.“ I smirked, kissing his nose. He shut his eyes and I reached down and undid his hands. “Isn’t that better?“ I cooed. Gerard let out a very quiet groan in agreement and my smile widened.

“What are you doing? What, what, what are you doing?” Shouted Milo’s voice from behind us. I whipped around to see him standing in the door, eyes wide and mouth practically hanging on the floor. I jumped off Gerard and Milo stormed into the room, slamming the door behind him.

“You two are…lovers?” he asked, sounding and looking dumbfounded and shocked.


“Milo, don’t be silly. We were just-” I began, hoping that maybe by some far stretch of the truth I could change his mind about what he had just seen.

“I saw you together!” He yelled in my face. There was nothing left to do now but face the truth. For a second Milo just stood there and stared at us, looking disappointed. Once again, everything went flashing through my mind. The end of our careers, the rumors that would spread, the hurt looks on all our friends faces when they found out. This was it. This was the point of now return. This was game over and I’d run out of extra lives.

“Gerard, get out. Desolé and I need to have a talk.” he said finally. Gerard looked and me and I nodded. It was best that Milo and I discuss this alone. Gerard shot me an apologetic glance before leaving the room. As soon as he was gone I completely broke down in another fit of crying in front of Milo, who simply stood there and stared me down.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry I lied to you and everybody! I didn’t have a choice. I’m so sorry.” I wept, tears pouring from my eyes and apologies pouring from my mouth.

“How could you? How could you lie to me about something this big? I’ve known you since we were kids. I thought we were better friends than that.” he mumbled sourly. I knew this was coming. I was going to loose it all now, my career, my love, my best friend…

“I just-we thought you would tell. We thought it would be better to just keep everybody out of it. I don’t know. I sorry, please forgive me.” I begged even though I knew there would be no hope for forgiveness.

“You thought I would rat you guys out? What kinds or friend would I be if I did that?” he asked disbelievingly. I shook my head and covered my face with my hands.

“It all makes sense now…the tears, the smiles…it was all because of him, wasn’t it?” he said, pacing the room. I nodded fervently. Milo sighed and kept pacing for a while as I continued to cry my eyes out.

“Do you love him?” Milo asked, stopping in his tracks. I looked up and blinked at him, confused.

“Wh-what?” I mumbled, sniffling.

“Do you love him?” he asked again. I thought for a moment. I thought about lying and telling him it was only a fling, but then realized that there would be no point in that and decided to just come out and tell him the truth.

“Yes I love him. I love him with all my heart. And no matter what any obstacle people put in front of us, I will always love him. And nobody can stop us from being together. Not Lindsey, not the bands, not even you Milo.” I gushed my heart out to him, hoping that maybe sharing my true feelings would help. “So go ahead and tell everybody if you want because it won’t matter.” I added.

Milo nodded slowly and the sides of his mouth twitched slightly. His lips weren’t in a full smile, but his eyes were. Then he did something I didn’t expect; he held out his arms, as if welcoming me into an embrace. I hesitated at first, unsure of what he meant by this gesture. But then I collapsed into him, nearly knocking both of us to the floor. My tears stained his shirt and he wrapped his arms around me, forming one of the most comforting hugs I had ever received.

“I don’t wanna lie! I don’t wanna pretend anymore!” I hiccupped. Milo nodded and stroked my hair. “Please tell me you aren’t going to rat us out.” I said, looking up at him with my glassy eyes.

“Of course I’m not! I would never do anything like that!” he exclaimed. I buried my head in his shoulder once more.

“Are you angry? Do you hate me?” I said impishly into his shirt. Milo sighed and gave me a squeeze.

“I could never hate you Des. I’m just disappointed that you didn’t tell me right away. I mean, a love affair? That’s a big deal honey! We could’ve had so much fun chatting about it!” he said very flamboyantly. I had to laugh at that. I noticed that my tears were drying up finally.

“So what’s his plan? Surely he isn’t going to marry Lindsey, right?” Milo asked after a few seconds.

“He says he’s going to break it off when the tour is over so that it won’t get too much attention from the press. We only have three more weeks of lying and cheating and sneaking around to go.” I said with a heavy sigh.

“Oh, you poor thing. That must be tearing you apart.” Milo said sympathetically. I nodded and wiped my eyes, finding that my make up had run off even further. “Well don’t worry, I’ll help you two keep your secret safe.” he assured me.

“Really? You would do that?” I asked, my eyes lighting up like a Christmas tree. Milo chuckled at my reaction.

“Yes. He really makes you happy doesn’t he?” Milo said dreamily. I nodded quickly.

“More happy than any other guy, with the exception of you of course.” I tacked on quickly. Milo laughed a little more and put his arms back at his sides, ending our precious hug.

“Well as long as you love him, I love him too. Okay chica?” he smiled at me, taking a step back to look at me. I nodded and smiled back. “Okay girlie, go find your lover and tell him the good news.”

And with that, I dashed off to find Gerard.