Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Goodbye And Goodluck
DESOLE
That entire week had been pure torture. Never had I ever felt to dreadful in my life. I was feeling guilty, confused, anxious, and hurt. Mikey refused to talk to me, or even look at me which hurt because I had always thought of him as family. The rest of My Chem were being less than supportive with their glowering and eye rolling. It was horrible, being cast out like this way. The only support beams I had left were Milo and Gerard. Milo vowed to stick with me through anything and Gerard was just about the best boyfriend a girl could have.
But I was severely lacking a purpose. I poured myself into my music, writing out new songs, trying to get my fingers to stop trembling so that I could play the piano. I pretty much shut everybody out. I couldn’t bare the pain of being the outcast again, so I shied away from everyone. It was terrible, feeling like the new comer again. Sometimes I would lash out at Gerard, then feel just dreadful about it. But he was always there, patient and kind and understanding, always being the man I didn’t deserve.
But tomorrow was the day, the really big important day. Tomorrow was the day that Gerard would officially break off the engagement with Lindsey for me. I had trouble believing that it was actually going to happen, that we were so close after months of waiting and sneaking about. I was scared that it wouldn’t work out the way Gerard had always promised that it would. I was scared that things wouldn’t fix themselves as he had said. But I trusted him, he was one of the only things I had left.
Tonight I decided to do something I hadn’t done in a long, long time. I called my mother, Beatrice. My mother and I had a love hate relationship, more hate than love after my father and younger sister died when I was fifteen. Also more hate than love when I ran away for two years, became a stripper and was brought home by the police. And even more hate than love when I dropped out of high school a week before my graduation and ran off with my band to tour the country and reek havoc on all the ansty teens girls like myself out there.
I called with star sixty nine because if she knew it was me she probably wouldn’t pick up at all. Hell, she might even hang up on me when she hears my voice. But I figured it was worth a try and I may or may not get a little more support out of it. Probably not though. The phone rang and rang and right when I thought it would go to voice mail, she picked up.
“Hello?” came her heavy French accent. My heart stopped when I heard her voice and I felt my muscles tense up around me. Calling her always invoked this kind of reaction from me.
“Hey, mom. Guess who?” I said, my voice trembling so badly that I sounded like a prepubescent boy.
“Oh dear lord. What do you want Desolé? Why are you calling me? Don’t you have guitars to be smashing and teenage minds to be poisoning?” she said, her tone sharp and quick. She had always been very strict, where as my father ha let us get away with murder.
“I dunno really. How long has it been Beatrice? Two years maybe?” I asked. Ever since my sister and my father passed away I been calling her by her first name. I think it broke her heart when I did that, but did a lot of other things to break her heart too.
“Two years, three months and four days. I’ve been counting.” she said blankly. I couldn’t help but feel a little touched by this. Did she miss me? I didn’t dare ask. “So why are you calling me now? Do you need money? Are you pregnant? Have you started working as a hooker again?”
“No, ma. I was a stripper, not a hooker. I’m not pregnant and I have enough money thanks. I called because I don’t know what to do at this point.” I admitted rather hopelessly. She was silent for a moment and I thought maybe she had hung up but then she began to speak.
“What is it? Tell me what you need. Its late and I am very tired.” she said kind of quietly. I sighed and bit the inside of my cheek, wondering how to start this long story.
“You remember Gerard right?” I asked, figuring that jogging her memory would be the best way to begin.
“Yes! That handsome boy that you left!” she said brightly. She had always liked Gerard despite the many problems he had at that time.
“Well, I’m on tour with him again. And he got a new fiancé…” I said slowly, cautious to how she would react.
“Oh, so it seems you have missed your chance.” she said, sounding almost a bit sad as she spoke. I let out a soft and nervous chuckle.
“Heh, that’s what I thought too for a while…” I mumbled. She gasped a little.
“Tell me you didn’t sleep with him!” she said so sharply it caused me to sit up a little straighter.
“More than that. We’ve been having an affair ma, for the last few months. We’ve going behind everybody’s back and now people are starting to find out. And tomorrow Gerard is leaving his fiancé. I don’t know why but I’m scared, really scared. Scared to death.” I blurted out. My mom fell silent once again and I waited for her reaction.
“My, my moi cher. Looks like you have gotten yourself into quite a jam. You say Gerard is leaving her tomorrow? Are you sure?” she said with a heavy sigh. I nodded at first then realized she couldn’t see me.
“He gave me his wedding ring mom. He wants to pick up where we left off. I just don’t know what to do with myself I guess. And all his friends hate me because of what happened. I feel like an outcast.” I blurted out again. All these words and feelings I hadn’t expressed to anybody were just pouring out of my mouth.
“He gave you his wedding ring? Oh my… And about his friends, its understandable that they are angry. You would be too. But don’t fret, they will fall back in love with you just as he did. I mean, how could they not?” she assured me. I felt my heart warm. She hadn’t been this affectionate with me in years.
“Thanks mom…that really means a lot to me.” I said quietly.
“I worry about you Desolé. I worry all the time. You get yourself into these sticky situations and you make it so I can’t assist you the way a mother should. I knew you’d be a trouble maker, the problem child from the day you were born but I never thought it would go this far so fast. Desolé, look at your life. Are you happy with the choices you have made?” she said suddenly. I took a moment to evaluate my entire existence.
I’d been a pot head, I’d been a Bohemian. I’d played the clichéd runaway with daddy issues. I had lived in an alley way surviving purely off raw beans and uncooked soup that I had stolen from a gas station. I had been a stripper at sixteen and let men who I didn’t even know their first names touch me and put their hands on me. I had run off to start a pop-rock band with my friends and by some long shot we made it big. I got engaged to a drug addict and an alcoholic who was almost ten years older than me. I snorted cocaine off a hotel carpet and joined the mile high club. And now I was having an affair with an almost married man and causing a solid and steady relationship to break up.
“Yes, mom. I am happy with my life. You probably wouldn’t understand at all but I have actually lived. Really lived, y’know? Sure I’ve made a shit load of mistakes and taken a hell of a lot of wrong turns. And maybe I bet too much and lost it all. Y’know, taken a risk once or twice. But I’ve had a ton of fun doing it. I never wanted to be the sheltered rich girl that you and daddy hoped for me to be. I wanted to be poor and self sustaining. I wanted to learn from my mistakes.” I explained, all of my words and thoughts rushing out.
“Well, you definitely got what you wanted.” she said curtly. There was a click and then the dial tone, telling me she had hung up.
A/N
Ugh, things have been absolutely wicked here. My land lord got some kind of hint that there was bomb in the building and evacuated everybody for three days so I had to stay with my friend outside of Paris. Yes, for those of you wondering I am currently living France in a closet sized apartment with a bathroom fit for a midget. But I have decided that after this story is finished I'm going to write two more pertaining to this one. The first one will be a look into Gerard and Desole's origanal relationship. The second will be a more detailed account of Desole's past. See you soon!
That entire week had been pure torture. Never had I ever felt to dreadful in my life. I was feeling guilty, confused, anxious, and hurt. Mikey refused to talk to me, or even look at me which hurt because I had always thought of him as family. The rest of My Chem were being less than supportive with their glowering and eye rolling. It was horrible, being cast out like this way. The only support beams I had left were Milo and Gerard. Milo vowed to stick with me through anything and Gerard was just about the best boyfriend a girl could have.
But I was severely lacking a purpose. I poured myself into my music, writing out new songs, trying to get my fingers to stop trembling so that I could play the piano. I pretty much shut everybody out. I couldn’t bare the pain of being the outcast again, so I shied away from everyone. It was terrible, feeling like the new comer again. Sometimes I would lash out at Gerard, then feel just dreadful about it. But he was always there, patient and kind and understanding, always being the man I didn’t deserve.
But tomorrow was the day, the really big important day. Tomorrow was the day that Gerard would officially break off the engagement with Lindsey for me. I had trouble believing that it was actually going to happen, that we were so close after months of waiting and sneaking about. I was scared that it wouldn’t work out the way Gerard had always promised that it would. I was scared that things wouldn’t fix themselves as he had said. But I trusted him, he was one of the only things I had left.
Tonight I decided to do something I hadn’t done in a long, long time. I called my mother, Beatrice. My mother and I had a love hate relationship, more hate than love after my father and younger sister died when I was fifteen. Also more hate than love when I ran away for two years, became a stripper and was brought home by the police. And even more hate than love when I dropped out of high school a week before my graduation and ran off with my band to tour the country and reek havoc on all the ansty teens girls like myself out there.
I called with star sixty nine because if she knew it was me she probably wouldn’t pick up at all. Hell, she might even hang up on me when she hears my voice. But I figured it was worth a try and I may or may not get a little more support out of it. Probably not though. The phone rang and rang and right when I thought it would go to voice mail, she picked up.
“Hello?” came her heavy French accent. My heart stopped when I heard her voice and I felt my muscles tense up around me. Calling her always invoked this kind of reaction from me.
“Hey, mom. Guess who?” I said, my voice trembling so badly that I sounded like a prepubescent boy.
“Oh dear lord. What do you want Desolé? Why are you calling me? Don’t you have guitars to be smashing and teenage minds to be poisoning?” she said, her tone sharp and quick. She had always been very strict, where as my father ha let us get away with murder.
“I dunno really. How long has it been Beatrice? Two years maybe?” I asked. Ever since my sister and my father passed away I been calling her by her first name. I think it broke her heart when I did that, but did a lot of other things to break her heart too.
“Two years, three months and four days. I’ve been counting.” she said blankly. I couldn’t help but feel a little touched by this. Did she miss me? I didn’t dare ask. “So why are you calling me now? Do you need money? Are you pregnant? Have you started working as a hooker again?”
“No, ma. I was a stripper, not a hooker. I’m not pregnant and I have enough money thanks. I called because I don’t know what to do at this point.” I admitted rather hopelessly. She was silent for a moment and I thought maybe she had hung up but then she began to speak.
“What is it? Tell me what you need. Its late and I am very tired.” she said kind of quietly. I sighed and bit the inside of my cheek, wondering how to start this long story.
“You remember Gerard right?” I asked, figuring that jogging her memory would be the best way to begin.
“Yes! That handsome boy that you left!” she said brightly. She had always liked Gerard despite the many problems he had at that time.
“Well, I’m on tour with him again. And he got a new fiancé…” I said slowly, cautious to how she would react.
“Oh, so it seems you have missed your chance.” she said, sounding almost a bit sad as she spoke. I let out a soft and nervous chuckle.
“Heh, that’s what I thought too for a while…” I mumbled. She gasped a little.
“Tell me you didn’t sleep with him!” she said so sharply it caused me to sit up a little straighter.
“More than that. We’ve been having an affair ma, for the last few months. We’ve going behind everybody’s back and now people are starting to find out. And tomorrow Gerard is leaving his fiancé. I don’t know why but I’m scared, really scared. Scared to death.” I blurted out. My mom fell silent once again and I waited for her reaction.
“My, my moi cher. Looks like you have gotten yourself into quite a jam. You say Gerard is leaving her tomorrow? Are you sure?” she said with a heavy sigh. I nodded at first then realized she couldn’t see me.
“He gave me his wedding ring mom. He wants to pick up where we left off. I just don’t know what to do with myself I guess. And all his friends hate me because of what happened. I feel like an outcast.” I blurted out again. All these words and feelings I hadn’t expressed to anybody were just pouring out of my mouth.
“He gave you his wedding ring? Oh my… And about his friends, its understandable that they are angry. You would be too. But don’t fret, they will fall back in love with you just as he did. I mean, how could they not?” she assured me. I felt my heart warm. She hadn’t been this affectionate with me in years.
“Thanks mom…that really means a lot to me.” I said quietly.
“I worry about you Desolé. I worry all the time. You get yourself into these sticky situations and you make it so I can’t assist you the way a mother should. I knew you’d be a trouble maker, the problem child from the day you were born but I never thought it would go this far so fast. Desolé, look at your life. Are you happy with the choices you have made?” she said suddenly. I took a moment to evaluate my entire existence.
I’d been a pot head, I’d been a Bohemian. I’d played the clichéd runaway with daddy issues. I had lived in an alley way surviving purely off raw beans and uncooked soup that I had stolen from a gas station. I had been a stripper at sixteen and let men who I didn’t even know their first names touch me and put their hands on me. I had run off to start a pop-rock band with my friends and by some long shot we made it big. I got engaged to a drug addict and an alcoholic who was almost ten years older than me. I snorted cocaine off a hotel carpet and joined the mile high club. And now I was having an affair with an almost married man and causing a solid and steady relationship to break up.
“Yes, mom. I am happy with my life. You probably wouldn’t understand at all but I have actually lived. Really lived, y’know? Sure I’ve made a shit load of mistakes and taken a hell of a lot of wrong turns. And maybe I bet too much and lost it all. Y’know, taken a risk once or twice. But I’ve had a ton of fun doing it. I never wanted to be the sheltered rich girl that you and daddy hoped for me to be. I wanted to be poor and self sustaining. I wanted to learn from my mistakes.” I explained, all of my words and thoughts rushing out.
“Well, you definitely got what you wanted.” she said curtly. There was a click and then the dial tone, telling me she had hung up.
A/N
Ugh, things have been absolutely wicked here. My land lord got some kind of hint that there was bomb in the building and evacuated everybody for three days so I had to stay with my friend outside of Paris. Yes, for those of you wondering I am currently living France in a closet sized apartment with a bathroom fit for a midget. But I have decided that after this story is finished I'm going to write two more pertaining to this one. The first one will be a look into Gerard and Desole's origanal relationship. The second will be a more detailed account of Desole's past. See you soon!
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