FicWad

Heeyyyyyyy sorry I haven’t updated in a while, but don’t expect anyfink anytime soon :P I'm in exam period and have to revise, hasn’t been going so well so far :L but yeaahhh I have nt checked over this, so I'm sorry if it don’t make any sense, I'm stressing out here XD so yeah read on, tell me what you think, rate it if you want, jus do somefink :P

I stared at him wide eyed. We kissed. Like, we actually kissed and I wasn’t imagining it. It was so good, I wanted to get lost in his grip and lips and stay lost in him, but I couldn’t. It wasn’t real. None of this was real.
That’s why I pulled away. I know it wasn’t real, he didn’t feel anything towards me. He felt sorry for me. For the fact that no one will ever like me, no one will ever love me.
I shouldn’t have let myself kiss him, as much as I wanted to, I knew he didn’t.
His gaze dropped to the floor, his hands resting in his lap and his body facing the wall opposite the bed, but his feet slightly towards me. “Sorry.” He whispered.
I rested my elbow on my knee, holding my head up with the bottom of my palm. I shook my head. “No.” I whispered. I was confused, why would he kiss me? There was no way he could like me, or even take a second look at me in that kind of way. No one could. You can’t like someone who doesn’t like themselves, you can’t, it’s not right. I supposed I just had to ask him… “Why would you do that?” I asked, looking at him, annoyance shown in my voice, suddenly feeling annoyed with the situation. It was perfectly fine until he went and did that. We were just laughing, having a good time, then he kissed me. Why? Because he felt sorry for me. He felt sorry for me because he knows no one will ever like me or give me a second look.
“I…I just…I'm sorry.” He mumbled. That word, saying it for the second time. He didn’t man it; he didn’t mean any of it. He knew exactly what he was doing; he just didn’t know how I’d react.
“You didn’t answer my question.” I said sternly.
He sighed and turned his body, facing me, still sitting on the edge of the bed. “Isn’t it obvious?” he asked, looking into my eyes.
He was annoying me. Couldn’t he just tell me that he knew I would never actually get a first kiss from someone who meant it, so he just decided to steal it from me? Just for the sake of making me feel happy? Well I saw right through his plan. “No, it’s not Gerard. Enlighten me.” My sarcasm brought across my annoyance pretty well.
He sighed again. “Because I fucking like you, okay?” he said, also in an annoyed tone. He was lying to me. Why did he feel the need to lie to me? The only person who doesn’t lie to me is David; he tells me everything about myself which is true. I know how ugly and thick I am, he doesn’t make me need to feel better, Gerard was going way too far. He didn’t like me, I knew that. No one could like me, especially not the boy who I liked.
I shook my head. “No you don’t, don’t fucking lie to me. You feel sorry for me. You feel sorry for the shitty excuse for a girl sitting next to you. And with you being a nice person and all that, you think that pretending to like me will make me feel good about myself. Well it’s not working Gerard!” my voice was rising and I stood up. “It makes me feel worse! Knowing that the only guy who will every kiss me only did because he felt sorry for me! Because I'm an ugly, fat, worthless fucking whore!” I wanted to cry. God I really wanted to cry, I could feel the tear stinging my eyes. But I couldn’t, and at the same time, I could.
“Stop it!” Gerard stood up, he was about to say something else, his mouth open, ready to speak, but I presume the saying ‘actions speak louder that words’ came into his head, because he wrapped his arms around me, pulling my into a tight hug. He rested his head on mine, not letting me go.
I tensed at first, not liking the thought of someone hugging me. It made me feel very uncomfortable, being so close to someone. But after a few seconds I relaxed into his warm embrace, still fighting back tears.
He unwrapped his arms and held onto my shoulders, pushing me back, but stopped so that he could get a full few of my face. Good luck with that Gerard, my hair’s in the way.
He smiled slightly, moving my fringe away from my eyes, attempting to tuck it behind my ear, but because it’s too short for that, it fell back in front of my eye. Gerard let out a slight giggle, as did I. he tired it again, but it fell back again. I laughed a bit more, he was so cute. I flicked my hair to the side, so that it showed both my eyes.
Gerard smiled again, looking deep into my eyes. His hazel eyes looked like they were searching for something, I don’t know what or why, but that’s what it looked like. He shook his head and looked away from me.
I felt my stomach drop when he looked away; I thought for a second that he probably could like me, maybe just in the slightest way, but when he broke eye contact, that bit of hope faded straight away.
He looked back at me again, grabbed his of my shoulders again. He looked into my eyes again, my ugly, dull bluey-grey-y gateways, which were locked and always have been. “Don’t…don’t put yourself down.” He said, slightly frowning. “None of its true, you're not ugly, you're not fat, and you’re not, no matter what anybody says to you, ever, in the slightest way worthless.” He said, pulling me into a hug again.
I felt hot tears stream down my face. That was quite possibly the nicest thing anybody has every said to me ever since…
He pulled me away again, still holding my shoulders. His slight frown turned into a proper frown as he noticed I was crying. He wiped my tears away, smiling slightly. “Don’t cry. You're beautiful, Stacie, you really are.” He brought his body closer again, but this time, his lips came in contact with mine quickly.
I found myself lost in the moment, my eyes closed, moving my lips in sync with his, loving the feeling of being so close to him and just kissing him.
His hands moved down my arms and held onto my hands, lacing his fingers with mine. His tongue entered my mouth, searching for mine. We slowly rolled our tongues around each other’s, loving the feeling of it.
His hands let go of mine and latched onto my waist, yacking my closer to him. This brought me back to reality. My eyes snapped open and I pulled myself away from him, his hand still gripping my waist. “Stop Gerard!” I almost shouted. I was breathing heavily from my sudden state of shock. I had to ruin everything, didn’t I?
Gerard frowned. “Stacie?” he asked, moving closer to me.
I took a step back. “No Gerard! You don’t like me! You can’t like me because you can never like me back!” I almost shouted again, considering the people living in the same house.
“Stacie, I fucking do!” Gerard said his voice not as loud as mine. I couldn’t tell if it was annoyance or what.
“No Gerard! You fucking don’t! Maybe you only like the false image which I show! You know nothing of me! You don’t know what I fucking AM!” I shouted the last word, tears stinging my eyes.
“Then tell me!” Gerard demanded.
“I'm fucking disgusting Gerard!” I shouted. Gerard pulled me into another hug, holding me tightly as I cried, shaking in his embrace. “I'm fucking disgusting.” I whispered.
I felt Gerard shake his head. “You're not Stacie, not matter what has happened, you're not. Just please tell me.” He whispered into my ear.
I shook my head and pulled away. “I can’t.” I whispered. I looked into his hazel eyes, his beautiful hazel eyes. But I couldn’t tell him. “I can’t and I won’t.”
Gerard sighed, looking away from me. “Fine, it’s your business.” He mumbled. He looked back at me “But…at least...will you…” he trailed off, looking embarrassed and shy. “I mean, like…will you be my…erm…girlfriend?” he asked, so shyly. He was acting so cute and looked so cute.
But wait. What did he ask me!? “Are you serious?” I asked, frowning, worried about his answer.
He bit his lip, his cheeks turning a light shade of red. “Yes.” I whispered.
I would have loved to say yes, I would have said yes straight up, but at the same time, I didn’t want to. I couldn’t be his girlfriend if he knows nothing about me; he doesn’t know any of the truth. Plus, if David found out, me and Gerard would suffer the consequences. I’d never done anything like this before, well, been asked anything like this before. “Gerard…” I whispered, holding his hands. “I would, I really would…but I don’t…” I looked into his eyes, they looked so hurt. He didn’t really like me that much did he? How could he even like me in the first place? Oh God here goes… “…I don’t want a relationship at the moment…with anyone. I cannot get close to anyone. I'm a sealed off person, but I like you. I really do. But the shit I’ve got going on at the moment and the fact you know jackshit about me…” I trailed off, feeling a tear spill from my eyes. “Gerard I can’t have a relationship with anyone.” I whispered the last part.
Gerard smiled and nodded. “Okay.” He whispered.
I squeezed his hands slightly. “Gerard I really do like you. But I can’t…” I trailed off, just shrugging.
His smile widened, only slightly. “Really?” he cocked his head slightly.
I breathed out a laugh. “How couldn’t I?” I said, sticking my tongue out at him.
He let out a slight giggle. “Well I am rather pretty.” He said in an English accent.
I slapped his arm lightly. “Fuck you.” I mumbled.
Gerard giggled again. “Well…” he trailed off.
I punched him in the arm, kind of hard, actually. I don’t like any suggestive talk, really, I hate it.
He grabbed his arm. “Hey, you said it!” he said, giggling.
“Well…..shut up!” I whined, acting like a right twat.
“Aww, you're so cute.” Gerard said, patting my head.
I batted his hand away. “Actually, it’s called being a retard.” I said, matter-of-factly.
Gerard looked at his watch. “You’d better get home; your step-dad wants you back, doesn’t he?”
I laughed in sarcasm. “I wasn’t plannin’ on goin’ back there.”
Gerard raised an eyebrow. “Where were you planning on going?”
I thought about my answer. I knew I was heading off to the park…but should I tell Gerard that? The worst he could do was take me home. “The park.” I mumbled, standing up.
Gerard stood up too. “Then you’re going home?” he asked, worry shown in his voice.
I sigh and nod. “Yeah, after a while.” I mumbled, looking down at my feet.
“How long is a while?” Gerard asked.
I sighed in frustration. “About three maybe…or jus’ go home at three…which is in like…five hours, right?” I said, my sarcasm once again showing my annoyance.
Gerard frowned. “What are you gonna do in the park for five hours?” he asked.
I shrugged. “Drink, smoke, get stoned, the usual.” I pointed out.
Gerard’s frown deepened. “We have school tomorrow.”
“Yeah and we had school last Friday, didn’t stop me on Thursday night.” I snapped. He was acting like he knew what was best for me. He didn’t know what was best for me, no one did.
“You went out on Thursday!? Do you even know what happened that night at the park!? Someone said they saw a girl get raped!” Gerard's voice was raised.
“I know, I…” I trailed off, not wanting to carry on with what I was saying. Truth is, I was that girl, I just didn’t want Gerard knowing.
Gerard’s expression changed, he looked almost shocked, but still concerned. He crouched down a small bit to be eye level with me. “Stacie…” his face softened as he spoke my name. “What were you gonna say?” he was slightly frowning, looking like he was fighting back tears.
I just stared at him, my jaw clenched together, not wanting to speak, knowing I would say something wrong.
He grabbed my hands. “Stacie? What happened?” his voice was soft, matching his face.
I took a deep breath and let it out. I opened my mouth to speak, tell him what happened and what carried on happening. Then I decided against it. I can’t tell him, he’d think so little of me. I snatched my hands away from him and broke the eye contact. I took another deep breath and spoke. “I jus almost saw somefink I wasn’t supposed to.” I said it clearly, hoping Gerard would drop it and I’ll be on my way.
Gerard was still looking at me, I could feel it. I tried not to look at him, I knew I would say something which I didn’t want to.
I then felt his arms wrap around me and his chest against the side of my head. I slowly hugged him back, holding back my tears.
“Don’t…” Gerard whispered. “Don’t go to the park.”
I nodded into his chest, taking in his warmth.

So yeah review and rate… :D x