FicWad

New York City,1975.Note that I have been in the army,so...yeah.


"Oh My God,Oh My God,Oh My God,I'm just so excited!Aren't you all so excited?"
Excited?No.Nauseus,nervous and terrified out of my fucking skull?Yes.
"Shut up,Ray,"grunts a ashen faced Mikey.I think the bus,which is moving at a very speedy seven miles an hour,might be moving a tad too fast for him.
"Mikey,"I ask,"you gonna hurl?"
"Think so,"comes the reply from behind me,"anyone got a bucket?"
"Sorry Mikey,not on me right now,"sighs Frank,rolling his eyes."Jesus,stop,will you?"
"Oh,I'm sorry,do my emotions piss you off?"
"Kinda,yeah!"
"You wanna hustle?"
"With who?You?Don't make me laugh.I could blow you over,man."
"Y'know,"interjects Bob,"if you remove the word "over" from that sentence,you gotta a pretty interestin' sentence."
Both Frank and Mikey's faces remain sullen,so I join in:
"He's implying you guys are gay."
Frank chuckles briefly and returns to his New Musical Express.
Mikey,however,looks like someone has just shat in his Froot Loops.
"I'm not gay!Why would I be gay?I hate gays!"
A grunt from the front of the bus informs us:
"You'll get on great ion the Army,then."
Oh,good.


"ALRIGHT MAGGOTS!"The person who looks amarmingly like a tree trunk screams,trails of spit falling from his mouth."IT'S TIME WE HAVE TO WHIP YOU MOTHERFUCKERS INTO SHAPE!"
"Whip?"winces Ray,standing next to me."That sounds a bit violent,doesn't it?"
"Mmm,"I mummer back.
Mistake number one.
"YOU!"Tree Trunk points a fat finger that looks alarmingly like a Frankfurter at me.He proceeds to march over to me,and shoves his face next to mine.For a minute I think he's coming on to me,but no such luck.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR NAME,YOU FILTHY FUCKING INBRED?!"
Inbred?Oh come on now,that's just plain rude.
"Gerard Way,sir."
"DRILL SERGEANT!"He explodes."YOU REFER TO ME AS DRILL SERGEANT AT ALL FUCKING TIMES!"Back to me."WHAT SORT OF FUCKING NAME IS THAT,YOU FUCKING COCKSUCKER?"
Oh...come on.Let's not get vulgar here.
"Um...I dunno,sir."
"DRILL SERGEANT!"
"I do not know...Drill Sergeant."
"THAT'S FUCKING BETTER,PRIVATE WAY.WHY ARE YOU SERVING YOUR COUNTRY IN THIS TREMONDOUS HONOUR,WAY?"
"Drafted,Drill Sergeant."
"AH YES,DRAFTEES,THE FUCKING ANUS OF THE MILITARY WORLD."
1.I would hazzard a guess that 97.9% of all guys standing here were drafted you fat fuck
2.Must you fucking shout and swear all the time?!Do you kiss your Drill Sergeant with that mouth?!
"GOT A GIRLFRIEND BACK HOME,WAY?"
"Broke up,Drill Dergeant."
Mistake number two.
His beady eyes light up and he smiles a wide,disgusting grin.
"BECAUSE SHE CAUGHT YOU CHEATING WITH YOUR FUCK BUDDY NEXT TO YOU,RIGHT?"
I look at Ray,who looks back at me in horror.His eyes scream you're my friend but sweet Lord the thought of you naked makes me want to hurl myself off a cliff.
"No,Drill Sergeant."
"YOU AIN'T NO COCKSUCKER FAGGOT THEN?"
"I don't think so,Drill Sergeant."
You don't think so?Oh,beautiful,Gerard,just beautiful.
He narrows his eyes at me and presses his nose against mine.
How fucking funny would it be if you just got a boner right now?
Not very fucking funny,brain.Not fucking funny at all.
He looks into my eyes,his pupils flecked with blood,his stare that of a shark who's just about to bite off your leg.
"Don't be a smart ass to me,boy."He chuckles lightly."You're gonna regret that later,you stupid motherfucker."
He tugs on the black strand of hair that has fallen into my face,still fucking giggling to himself.
"Nice hair."
"Um...thank you,Drill Sergeant?"
"Notice anything about the boys behind me?"
I scan quickly to the men standing behind him;they look fucking terrifying in their full out khaki kit,with machine guns and belts,but what frightens me the most is the fact that they're all bald.
"They're...bald,Drill Sergeant."
"Exactly."He steps back from me,still smiling that same smile."Take him in,boys."



After being shaved by a kid younger than Mikey,I am handed my "fatigues",and shoved along a cramped,stuffy corridor.I know it's sad,but I'm crying.Goddamn,I loved my hair.Hundred strokes every night,fuckin re-dyed every month.Shit,I had it longer than some girls in my class.And suddenly some kid with four teeth and a wifebeater has taken that away from me.
I arrive at door number three,and knock on the door.To my sheer delight,Frank answers.
"Oh,Frankie,thank God,"I say,falling on him."Jesus Christ,they just shaved me."
"You think you're bad,"Frank mutters,leading me into the room-by the hand,which I don't think will go down in the Army all too well,but fuck it-"you should see Ray."
"What are you-oh."
I am suddenly in a room of blinding light with two bunk-beds.There is room for one person to stand up,and a bloody,rusted sink lies in the corner of the room.I wave to Mikey-who I notice is sitting on one of the top bunks,which we all know won't last long-and to Bob,who is intelligently placed on a bottom bunk.I spot Ray,completely devoid of all his afro glory,on the bunk next to Bob,hugging his knees,and rocking back and forth.He seems to be chanting something silently to himself,staring right ahead.
"Ray,man?"I ask,bending down to squeeze his shoulder,"you okay?"
"Don't even try,"advises Bob,"he's been talking in rapid Spanish all this time."He leans closer to Ray,and then back again."I think he's praying."
"Were you there when it happened?"
"Yeah."He shakes his head."Jesus,it was awful.He started screaming when they got the scizzors out,and then they belted him down to do it."
I nod,and look around the cell.Huh.Roomy.
"Is there a HR guy I can talk to or something?I'm really not satisfied with this accomadation,"I alert the guys.
"Thanks for trying to lighten the mood Gerard,it totally worked,"Mikey says from above.
"Okay,A-I was being serious,and B-that will soon be my bunk,"I say,climbing up to the bed.
"No,there's only four beds,"Mikey offers."You'll have to share."
"Not sharing with you anyway."
"Why?Because I'm not down with incest like you are,Gerard."
A chuckle from the bunk below.Probably not from Ray.
"Not incest,you ignat.It's just that you are possibly the loudest snorer I have ever had the displeasure of being related to."
"That is so not true!"
"You kiddin me?It's like fuckin sleeping next to Grand Central Station when you're involved.Anyway,"I shake my head,and nearly start crying when I don't feel the brush of my hair against my cheek."I'd say it was probably the lovable Drill Sergeant who planned this whole one bed short thing."
"BALD!"Comes a sudden cry from Ray's bunk,and then I hear hysterical sobbing.
Frank,meanwhile,has returned from the local restroom.
"It's only for a night anyway,Gee,"Frank says,"and you can bunk with me."
Thank God.
"Yeah,we're being deported tomorrow."Mikey starts."To fight off-"
"Mikey,stop,"I say."Let's all just settle down for the night."
I crawl over to Frank's bunk,still feeling peculiar when a draught blows over my head.
The light is switched off from outside,and the other personnel shut up.I don't realize I'm crying until Frank slides in next to me.
"Hi Gerard."
The greeting seems so bizzarely casual considering the situation.
"Hey Frank.How's it going?"
"Eh,"he whispers back,"can't really complain."Shit,this bed is like a rock."How about you?"
"Not good,"I mumble in a choked voice,and turn away from Frank.
There is silence,until Frank does what any good person would ever do.
"Want a hug?"
"Yes."
I feel his arms curve around my midriff,and I cry softly into my pillow.
Frank drifts off soon after,but Ray is still muttering over in the bunk across from me-Bob is below us,by the way-and my high school Spanish is good enough to pick up:
"Por favor dios salvo mí de este infierno en la tierra"
Then,a reassuring snort from Mikey's area tells me it's gonna be a long night.