Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Living In a World Without You
Frank’s POV
I couldn’t recall the amount of days or weeks that had passed since Gerard had spent the night on The Used’s tour bus and came out the next day as a completely different person. He never talked to any of us anymore, we were lucky if he even looked in our direction. He just mostly stayed in his own world, only ever coming out when Bert was around. Bert was snatching him away from us and he was spending more and more time with Bert these days. It was literally driving me insane, but the harder I tried to keep him with me the more he kept slipping away.
We all knew what they had going on with their daily dangerous combination of drugs and sex. Even though Gerard always crawled his way back on to the bus stoned out of his mind every morning, we never said anything. After the night that he preformed high, we all just stopped caring. Or at least everyone else did. I never stopped caring for even a second. Every waking moment was dedicated to worrying about Gerard or secretly trying to pull him back towards me.
No matter how much I tried to talk to him about how awful Bert is for him, he never listened. He would always just get angry and storm away. His anger fired alarms in my head and I knew there was a deeper problem; Gerard was never one to get too angry. As I observed him more, I noticed him becoming frailer and frailer by the day. My heart was telling me that nothing was wrong though, it told me that everything was going to be fine and that Gerard was fine; I was overreacting.
But a couple of nights ago, I found him in the backroom crying and ripping his hair out screaming that people were coming for him. I tried to calm him down but he just shoved me away, shuffling through his pockets and mumbling to himself that he needed more of something. And that’s when I saw it; the infamous little bag of white powder that I hoped and prayed would never get in his reach again. At that point, I couldn’t stand the sight of him being in the state he was in. Paranoia taking over his mind, something that cocaine always did to its victim. I cried myself to sleep that night. I couldn’t handle the sight of my best friend, the man I loved, spiraling down the same dark path he did so many years ago.
I had informed the other band members of Gerard’s situation and we all agreed to an intervention today at midnight when Gerard said he would be back from hanging out with Bert. We were all worried to death, and even though we all wanted to believe that Gerard would go and get help we all knew how stubborn he was and that it will really be an effort for him to want to help himself.
I sat at the table on the tour bus staring out the window, ready to warn the rest of the guys when Gerard was heading towards the bus. Because we were in a tour bus we couldn’t exactly set up chairs in a circle so we just stood around each other. We had the whole band and our manager nervously waiting for Gerard’s arrival, all of us remembering how often we did this so many years before. Mikey’s eyes were still red from all the crying he did after I had told him Gerard was using again.
I laid my head down on the table as my mind began running through the past few weeks of seeing Gerard spiral down into the same place he was seven years ago, the horrible world of drugs and Bert. But it was worse this time around because Gerard and Bert had escalated themselves into a physical relationship. Before they would make out occasionally but now every time I saw them they were high out of their minds and reeked of sex. Nothing hurts my heart more than seeing the man I love with someone so fucking horrible. It ripped me apart inside every second that I saw them together.
Gerard stumbled through the door, eyes bloodshot and his skin sticky with sweat. I could only imagine what him and Bert had been doing just moments before. He looked around at each of us; most likely trying to figure out why were all crowded around in the front room.
Our manager finally spoke “Gerard… you need help”
I could tell that his breathing had sped up “What are you talking about?”
“We know you’re using again.” Ray said
His eyes grew wide, quickly scanning the room making eye contact with each of us before deciding to speak “No… I'm not… guys I'm fine… I don’t know what you’re talking about.” His voice shook.
Mikey ran up to him with tears streaming down his face and grabbed his shoulders “Don’t lie to me Gerard! Frank saw you take the coke out of your pocket! We’ve noticed your change in behavior since hooking up with Bert that first night! You need to stop! You aren’t you anymore!”
He faced me “You did this?” I saw anger in his eyes.
I swallowed hard “Gerard, I only want you to get better.”
His nostrils flared as he grit his teeth “You’re always fucking doing this shit to me! Can’t you just leave me alone? Stop barging into my life and acting like you own it! You don’t care!” He was screaming.
I was shocked “Gerard, what are you talking about?” and I truly didn’t know what he was talking about, he just seemed to be babbling on and on.
“You know goddamn well what I’m talking about! You don’t want me so just leave me alone, don’t make this any harder for me! You keep making this harder!” He broke down into tears and tried to leave the bus but Bob stood in his way.
Mikey spoke again “Listen Gerard, we can get you into a rehab after tomorrow’s show and help you stop this. You can leave Bert and get clean and everything will be okay”
“Mikey, I don’t want to leave him. I… I need it Mikey… Mikey” He looked as if he was checking out of reality, he wasn’t standing still and his eyes were wondering around.
“Gerard, look at me. Are you okay? What's wrong? Listen, you have to do this for the band. You have to get clean for the fans, okay? We’re My Chemical Romance remember? The band that saves lives! So we have to save yours.” Mikey wiped his tears with the back of his hand.
“No… I can’t… I can’t do this… Not now… I’ll see you at the show tomorrow” He stumbled out of the door, leaving us exactly as we were before he arrived. I sat there in shock and finally broke down crying, wishing that my best friend would come back. Wishing that the man I had always loved would leave Bert and come to me. I regret that night I kissed him, although it sent a thousand sparks radiating through my body; I couldn’t help but feel that I was the one that drove him into Bert’s arms. And I only made it worse by trying to have sex with him right after he got hurt.
I'm the reason Gerard is going back down this path.
I'm the reason Gerard slept with Bert that night.
I’m the reason Gerard is angry right now.
I'm the reason…
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Oh my god Im so sorry it took me so long to update! I was extremely busy with school and I was practically failing all my classes. But now its summer so you can hopefully expect more frequent updates!! Rate and comment!:)
PS- not updating until I get more veiws so spread the word :)
http://twitter.com/nikki_killjoy
I couldn’t recall the amount of days or weeks that had passed since Gerard had spent the night on The Used’s tour bus and came out the next day as a completely different person. He never talked to any of us anymore, we were lucky if he even looked in our direction. He just mostly stayed in his own world, only ever coming out when Bert was around. Bert was snatching him away from us and he was spending more and more time with Bert these days. It was literally driving me insane, but the harder I tried to keep him with me the more he kept slipping away.
We all knew what they had going on with their daily dangerous combination of drugs and sex. Even though Gerard always crawled his way back on to the bus stoned out of his mind every morning, we never said anything. After the night that he preformed high, we all just stopped caring. Or at least everyone else did. I never stopped caring for even a second. Every waking moment was dedicated to worrying about Gerard or secretly trying to pull him back towards me.
No matter how much I tried to talk to him about how awful Bert is for him, he never listened. He would always just get angry and storm away. His anger fired alarms in my head and I knew there was a deeper problem; Gerard was never one to get too angry. As I observed him more, I noticed him becoming frailer and frailer by the day. My heart was telling me that nothing was wrong though, it told me that everything was going to be fine and that Gerard was fine; I was overreacting.
But a couple of nights ago, I found him in the backroom crying and ripping his hair out screaming that people were coming for him. I tried to calm him down but he just shoved me away, shuffling through his pockets and mumbling to himself that he needed more of something. And that’s when I saw it; the infamous little bag of white powder that I hoped and prayed would never get in his reach again. At that point, I couldn’t stand the sight of him being in the state he was in. Paranoia taking over his mind, something that cocaine always did to its victim. I cried myself to sleep that night. I couldn’t handle the sight of my best friend, the man I loved, spiraling down the same dark path he did so many years ago.
I had informed the other band members of Gerard’s situation and we all agreed to an intervention today at midnight when Gerard said he would be back from hanging out with Bert. We were all worried to death, and even though we all wanted to believe that Gerard would go and get help we all knew how stubborn he was and that it will really be an effort for him to want to help himself.
I sat at the table on the tour bus staring out the window, ready to warn the rest of the guys when Gerard was heading towards the bus. Because we were in a tour bus we couldn’t exactly set up chairs in a circle so we just stood around each other. We had the whole band and our manager nervously waiting for Gerard’s arrival, all of us remembering how often we did this so many years before. Mikey’s eyes were still red from all the crying he did after I had told him Gerard was using again.
I laid my head down on the table as my mind began running through the past few weeks of seeing Gerard spiral down into the same place he was seven years ago, the horrible world of drugs and Bert. But it was worse this time around because Gerard and Bert had escalated themselves into a physical relationship. Before they would make out occasionally but now every time I saw them they were high out of their minds and reeked of sex. Nothing hurts my heart more than seeing the man I love with someone so fucking horrible. It ripped me apart inside every second that I saw them together.
Gerard stumbled through the door, eyes bloodshot and his skin sticky with sweat. I could only imagine what him and Bert had been doing just moments before. He looked around at each of us; most likely trying to figure out why were all crowded around in the front room.
Our manager finally spoke “Gerard… you need help”
I could tell that his breathing had sped up “What are you talking about?”
“We know you’re using again.” Ray said
His eyes grew wide, quickly scanning the room making eye contact with each of us before deciding to speak “No… I'm not… guys I'm fine… I don’t know what you’re talking about.” His voice shook.
Mikey ran up to him with tears streaming down his face and grabbed his shoulders “Don’t lie to me Gerard! Frank saw you take the coke out of your pocket! We’ve noticed your change in behavior since hooking up with Bert that first night! You need to stop! You aren’t you anymore!”
He faced me “You did this?” I saw anger in his eyes.
I swallowed hard “Gerard, I only want you to get better.”
His nostrils flared as he grit his teeth “You’re always fucking doing this shit to me! Can’t you just leave me alone? Stop barging into my life and acting like you own it! You don’t care!” He was screaming.
I was shocked “Gerard, what are you talking about?” and I truly didn’t know what he was talking about, he just seemed to be babbling on and on.
“You know goddamn well what I’m talking about! You don’t want me so just leave me alone, don’t make this any harder for me! You keep making this harder!” He broke down into tears and tried to leave the bus but Bob stood in his way.
Mikey spoke again “Listen Gerard, we can get you into a rehab after tomorrow’s show and help you stop this. You can leave Bert and get clean and everything will be okay”
“Mikey, I don’t want to leave him. I… I need it Mikey… Mikey” He looked as if he was checking out of reality, he wasn’t standing still and his eyes were wondering around.
“Gerard, look at me. Are you okay? What's wrong? Listen, you have to do this for the band. You have to get clean for the fans, okay? We’re My Chemical Romance remember? The band that saves lives! So we have to save yours.” Mikey wiped his tears with the back of his hand.
“No… I can’t… I can’t do this… Not now… I’ll see you at the show tomorrow” He stumbled out of the door, leaving us exactly as we were before he arrived. I sat there in shock and finally broke down crying, wishing that my best friend would come back. Wishing that the man I had always loved would leave Bert and come to me. I regret that night I kissed him, although it sent a thousand sparks radiating through my body; I couldn’t help but feel that I was the one that drove him into Bert’s arms. And I only made it worse by trying to have sex with him right after he got hurt.
I'm the reason Gerard is going back down this path.
I'm the reason Gerard slept with Bert that night.
I’m the reason Gerard is angry right now.
I'm the reason…
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Oh my god Im so sorry it took me so long to update! I was extremely busy with school and I was practically failing all my classes. But now its summer so you can hopefully expect more frequent updates!! Rate and comment!:)
PS- not updating until I get more veiws so spread the word :)
http://twitter.com/nikki_killjoy
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