Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Living In a World Without You
Gerard’s POV
I was running through the dark corridor trying to find my way out. Air supply was running short and I was finding it hard to breath. I could hear people standing inside of the walls taunting me, telling me I was never going to find my way out. I looked around trying to find a door but all I could see was paintings of everyone I loved with their eyes gouged out, blood was spilling from the paintings where there mouths were. “Somebody help me!” I screamed, but no one was there to help me. The voices inside the walls just spoke louder and began to laugh at me as I tripped and fell to the ground. It felt as if the floors and walls were alive. They started swarming in on me, crawling on my skin. I could feel it.
I shot up out of my sleep, eyes wide open. I looked around and tried to gather my surroundings or seek any memory from the night before. But I couldn’t think, I couldn’t shake the memory or the feeling of my nightmare. I heard someone grunt next to me “Ugh what the fuck?” It was Bert. I was on Bert’s bus. Wait; how the fuck did I get here? I thought I went back to my own bus. As I thought hard I began to remember the sequence of events from the night before. I went back onto my bus and everyone attacked me and accused me of using again so I left and went back on Bert’s bus and he helped me feel better. I looked down, we were naked. “Oh.”
Bert wrapped his arms around me “We had a pretty amazing night, huh?” He said smiling.
My body shuddered at the memory of him pushing me up against the wall of the bus; body temperatures rising, roaming hands and sloppy kisses. “Yeah, it was great.”
He sat up and looked at me, “Are you okay babe? You seem kind of, I don’t know, shaken.”
I ran my fingers through my hair “No I'm fine, I just had a bad dream”
“Well do you want to talk about it?”
I sighed, turning away from him and snuggling deeper into the couch we were laying on. “I really don’t, it was stupid anyways” I rolled my eyes at how friendly he was being. That was typical Bert, sweet as hell when sober and crazy as hell when hopped up. Maybe my band was right; maybe I do need to stop this. Why did I even start in the first place?
“So, you never exactly told me why you were so upset last night. Would you like to share?” He raised an eyebrow.
I sighed again. “The guys know about what we’ve been doing… and they don’t think you’re good for me.” Maybe he isn’t.
“What do you mean? Like they know we’re having sex?” Is that all it is to you?
“No, like they know everything. They know I've relapsed…” Maybe I should stop.
“Oh shit. Well it doesn’t really count as a relapse if you’re not addicted.” I am addicted.
“Yeah I guess. I’m not going to listen to them anyways.” Although I should
We lied there in silence.
“Listen Gerard, I've been meaning to talk to you about something.”
I turned back over “Yeah?”
He kissed me before continuing “Well the tour is almost over and I’ve been thinking about, you know, what might happen between us. I mean, are we cutting this off or are we going to keep this going? I like you, I really do. And I like the things we do together, so maybe we can figure out a way to make this work.”
I didn’t know what to say, I’ve never really thought about the future with Bert. And was this really Bert asking? Because I bet a million dollars the stoned Bert would have a little different opinion about this situation. So I thanked my lucky stars when Quinn came in and interrupted the conversation.
“Oh for fuck’s sake Bert put your clothes on; no one wants to see that. Gerard, your boys are looking for you. Supposed to do a sound check before your meet and greet and something else about marshmallows.”
I raised an eyebrow “Marshmallows?”
“Yeah I don’t know I wasn’t really listening” He laughed as he walked away.
I started throwing on my clothes begging that Bert wouldn’t bring up anything about after the tour again, and he caught me on my way out the door. “Wait, souvenir?” He smirked, holding up a bad of coke. Ah yes, there’s the Bert McCracken I'm familiar with. And of coarse I couldn’t turn it down, because the second I saw it I felt an itch in my brain telling me that I needed more and that I needed it now.
“Could I maybe get some xanax before I leave? I don’t think I can deal with my band without it.” So he gratefully shared them, giving me a handful that could last me a week. And with that I headed toward the door with my nose cold, mouth numb, and eyes heavy. Until,
“Oh shit.” I heard Bert say as I placed my hand on the doorknob.
So I walked toward the back to see what was up. “What's wrong?”
He turned around, “The condom we used last night broke…” His eyes were wide
“What?”
“I just picked it up and… and there was a tear in it.” He wouldn’t meet my eyes.
“Oh no, guess I’ll have to pick up a pregnancy test later.” I laughed. He didn’t.
“Gerard… You should probably get tested.”
My heart stopped “What? Why? What do you have?”
He stepped closer towards me and puts his hands on either side of my face, now this time I was the one unable to look at him. “Just… Please baby, don’t be mad… Just get checked.”
At this point I didn’t even want to know what he had, the drugs had kicked in all the way and I just wanted to leave. “Fine”
He forced a kiss upon my lips before I turned and jetted out the door.
*
Everyone around me was engaged in mindless chatter about lighting and sound effects and amplifier volume and all else. The band was watching me out of the corners of their eyes, trying to figure out if I was okay and obviously wanting to bring up last night’s situation but not wanting to scare me off. But I’ve been sitting in the corner of the room since I got done singing the few songs we had to practice. I had too much on my mind.
Bert and I had sex last night and the condom we used broke. Bert said I needed to get tested. Bert is infected with something, obviously something incurable if he’s aware he has it and hasn’t gotten it cleared up. My mind was running through every possible scenario that could be happening inside my body at the moment. And of course the only thing that was on my mind now was the possibility of being infected with… HIV.
He couldn’t possibly take that risk with me, could he? Maybe he doesn’t have HIV; maybe it’s just something simple. Or maybe he himself has never gotten tested and isn’t sure if he has something, if anything at all. I sighed as I laid my head in my hands. I felt so dirty.
I was shaken out of my horrible thoughts as I saw Frank sit next to me. “Hey” he seemed nervous.
I barely looked up at him, “Hi”
“I’m really sorry about last night, I just want don’t want you to hurt yourself anymore. I love you too much to have anything happen to you…” He put his hand on my knee in a soothing notion, but it only made me nervous on account of the last thing he said.
I stuttered “W-what?”
“You’re like a brother to me Gerard, and I don’t want to see you kill yourself.” He bit his lip and looked away.
I rolled my eyes, mentally kicking myself for even thinking that he would mean that the way I wanted him to. That he would tell me he loved me and I could leave Bert and get clean and finally feel happy. But I knew it wasn’t that easy, first of all because I’m addicted as fuck, and second of all Frank only loves me like a broth… Wait a minute.
“Okay! Time for the meet and greet, get out there!” Brian yelled.
I followed everyone out the door and past the screaming fans onto our signing table. Everyone was screaming our names and shoving things in our faces to sign. They all had smiles on their faces that I could not return. My mind was being overrun by my own thoughts and xanax.
“Gerard, are you and Bert really dating? It’s all over Twitter!” A peppy blonde girl happily asked.
“Why don’t you ask last night’s broken condom.”
She giggled hysterically and went along to get her CD signed by the rest of the band member who, as of now, were staring me down.
I was feeling dizzier by the minute; Thoughts and drugs overwhelming me.
I could have an STD.
Frank.
Frank…
My thoughts went back a few weeks to those few days we spent at the hotel in West Chester, Pennsylvania. Where Frank kissed me… Where Frank wanted to have sex with me… Brotherly love isn’t supposed to be sexual, unless… Oh my god.
I immediately stood up, feeling lightheaded and now realizing that I haven’t eaten in well over a few days. Everyone was looking at me, but I couldn’t look back. It seemed as if the world was at a standstill. But at that moment I knew what I had to do… I had to leave Bert… I had to tell Frank…
“Gerard, where are you going?” It was Mikey’s voice. The rest of the band was crowded around me and trying to stop me from leaving. The ground was shifting and time seemed to be moving in slow motion.
Frank was standing in front of me and I tried to reach out for him but all I got was air. Everything was silent, until I felt my body grow weak and I collapsed; only remembering the ground getting closer to my face and a fan’s final scream. And then I saw black.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I hope you enjoy the chapter, rate and comment. I would have updated yesterday but as some of you may already know, Ryan Dunn (from Jackass) passed away early Monday morning. I've really been upset about it, for he was one of my inspirations. I give all my love to his family and friends, and if you were a fan I hope you do the same. Its okay to cry, I sure as hell did. Thank you.
http://twitter.com/Nikki_Killjoy
http://nikkikilljoy.tumblr.com/
I was running through the dark corridor trying to find my way out. Air supply was running short and I was finding it hard to breath. I could hear people standing inside of the walls taunting me, telling me I was never going to find my way out. I looked around trying to find a door but all I could see was paintings of everyone I loved with their eyes gouged out, blood was spilling from the paintings where there mouths were. “Somebody help me!” I screamed, but no one was there to help me. The voices inside the walls just spoke louder and began to laugh at me as I tripped and fell to the ground. It felt as if the floors and walls were alive. They started swarming in on me, crawling on my skin. I could feel it.
I shot up out of my sleep, eyes wide open. I looked around and tried to gather my surroundings or seek any memory from the night before. But I couldn’t think, I couldn’t shake the memory or the feeling of my nightmare. I heard someone grunt next to me “Ugh what the fuck?” It was Bert. I was on Bert’s bus. Wait; how the fuck did I get here? I thought I went back to my own bus. As I thought hard I began to remember the sequence of events from the night before. I went back onto my bus and everyone attacked me and accused me of using again so I left and went back on Bert’s bus and he helped me feel better. I looked down, we were naked. “Oh.”
Bert wrapped his arms around me “We had a pretty amazing night, huh?” He said smiling.
My body shuddered at the memory of him pushing me up against the wall of the bus; body temperatures rising, roaming hands and sloppy kisses. “Yeah, it was great.”
He sat up and looked at me, “Are you okay babe? You seem kind of, I don’t know, shaken.”
I ran my fingers through my hair “No I'm fine, I just had a bad dream”
“Well do you want to talk about it?”
I sighed, turning away from him and snuggling deeper into the couch we were laying on. “I really don’t, it was stupid anyways” I rolled my eyes at how friendly he was being. That was typical Bert, sweet as hell when sober and crazy as hell when hopped up. Maybe my band was right; maybe I do need to stop this. Why did I even start in the first place?
“So, you never exactly told me why you were so upset last night. Would you like to share?” He raised an eyebrow.
I sighed again. “The guys know about what we’ve been doing… and they don’t think you’re good for me.” Maybe he isn’t.
“What do you mean? Like they know we’re having sex?” Is that all it is to you?
“No, like they know everything. They know I've relapsed…” Maybe I should stop.
“Oh shit. Well it doesn’t really count as a relapse if you’re not addicted.” I am addicted.
“Yeah I guess. I’m not going to listen to them anyways.” Although I should
We lied there in silence.
“Listen Gerard, I've been meaning to talk to you about something.”
I turned back over “Yeah?”
He kissed me before continuing “Well the tour is almost over and I’ve been thinking about, you know, what might happen between us. I mean, are we cutting this off or are we going to keep this going? I like you, I really do. And I like the things we do together, so maybe we can figure out a way to make this work.”
I didn’t know what to say, I’ve never really thought about the future with Bert. And was this really Bert asking? Because I bet a million dollars the stoned Bert would have a little different opinion about this situation. So I thanked my lucky stars when Quinn came in and interrupted the conversation.
“Oh for fuck’s sake Bert put your clothes on; no one wants to see that. Gerard, your boys are looking for you. Supposed to do a sound check before your meet and greet and something else about marshmallows.”
I raised an eyebrow “Marshmallows?”
“Yeah I don’t know I wasn’t really listening” He laughed as he walked away.
I started throwing on my clothes begging that Bert wouldn’t bring up anything about after the tour again, and he caught me on my way out the door. “Wait, souvenir?” He smirked, holding up a bad of coke. Ah yes, there’s the Bert McCracken I'm familiar with. And of coarse I couldn’t turn it down, because the second I saw it I felt an itch in my brain telling me that I needed more and that I needed it now.
“Could I maybe get some xanax before I leave? I don’t think I can deal with my band without it.” So he gratefully shared them, giving me a handful that could last me a week. And with that I headed toward the door with my nose cold, mouth numb, and eyes heavy. Until,
“Oh shit.” I heard Bert say as I placed my hand on the doorknob.
So I walked toward the back to see what was up. “What's wrong?”
He turned around, “The condom we used last night broke…” His eyes were wide
“What?”
“I just picked it up and… and there was a tear in it.” He wouldn’t meet my eyes.
“Oh no, guess I’ll have to pick up a pregnancy test later.” I laughed. He didn’t.
“Gerard… You should probably get tested.”
My heart stopped “What? Why? What do you have?”
He stepped closer towards me and puts his hands on either side of my face, now this time I was the one unable to look at him. “Just… Please baby, don’t be mad… Just get checked.”
At this point I didn’t even want to know what he had, the drugs had kicked in all the way and I just wanted to leave. “Fine”
He forced a kiss upon my lips before I turned and jetted out the door.
*
Everyone around me was engaged in mindless chatter about lighting and sound effects and amplifier volume and all else. The band was watching me out of the corners of their eyes, trying to figure out if I was okay and obviously wanting to bring up last night’s situation but not wanting to scare me off. But I’ve been sitting in the corner of the room since I got done singing the few songs we had to practice. I had too much on my mind.
Bert and I had sex last night and the condom we used broke. Bert said I needed to get tested. Bert is infected with something, obviously something incurable if he’s aware he has it and hasn’t gotten it cleared up. My mind was running through every possible scenario that could be happening inside my body at the moment. And of course the only thing that was on my mind now was the possibility of being infected with… HIV.
He couldn’t possibly take that risk with me, could he? Maybe he doesn’t have HIV; maybe it’s just something simple. Or maybe he himself has never gotten tested and isn’t sure if he has something, if anything at all. I sighed as I laid my head in my hands. I felt so dirty.
I was shaken out of my horrible thoughts as I saw Frank sit next to me. “Hey” he seemed nervous.
I barely looked up at him, “Hi”
“I’m really sorry about last night, I just want don’t want you to hurt yourself anymore. I love you too much to have anything happen to you…” He put his hand on my knee in a soothing notion, but it only made me nervous on account of the last thing he said.
I stuttered “W-what?”
“You’re like a brother to me Gerard, and I don’t want to see you kill yourself.” He bit his lip and looked away.
I rolled my eyes, mentally kicking myself for even thinking that he would mean that the way I wanted him to. That he would tell me he loved me and I could leave Bert and get clean and finally feel happy. But I knew it wasn’t that easy, first of all because I’m addicted as fuck, and second of all Frank only loves me like a broth… Wait a minute.
“Okay! Time for the meet and greet, get out there!” Brian yelled.
I followed everyone out the door and past the screaming fans onto our signing table. Everyone was screaming our names and shoving things in our faces to sign. They all had smiles on their faces that I could not return. My mind was being overrun by my own thoughts and xanax.
“Gerard, are you and Bert really dating? It’s all over Twitter!” A peppy blonde girl happily asked.
“Why don’t you ask last night’s broken condom.”
She giggled hysterically and went along to get her CD signed by the rest of the band member who, as of now, were staring me down.
I was feeling dizzier by the minute; Thoughts and drugs overwhelming me.
I could have an STD.
Frank.
Frank…
My thoughts went back a few weeks to those few days we spent at the hotel in West Chester, Pennsylvania. Where Frank kissed me… Where Frank wanted to have sex with me… Brotherly love isn’t supposed to be sexual, unless… Oh my god.
I immediately stood up, feeling lightheaded and now realizing that I haven’t eaten in well over a few days. Everyone was looking at me, but I couldn’t look back. It seemed as if the world was at a standstill. But at that moment I knew what I had to do… I had to leave Bert… I had to tell Frank…
“Gerard, where are you going?” It was Mikey’s voice. The rest of the band was crowded around me and trying to stop me from leaving. The ground was shifting and time seemed to be moving in slow motion.
Frank was standing in front of me and I tried to reach out for him but all I got was air. Everything was silent, until I felt my body grow weak and I collapsed; only remembering the ground getting closer to my face and a fan’s final scream. And then I saw black.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I hope you enjoy the chapter, rate and comment. I would have updated yesterday but as some of you may already know, Ryan Dunn (from Jackass) passed away early Monday morning. I've really been upset about it, for he was one of my inspirations. I give all my love to his family and friends, and if you were a fan I hope you do the same. Its okay to cry, I sure as hell did. Thank you.
http://twitter.com/Nikki_Killjoy
http://nikkikilljoy.tumblr.com/
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