FicWad

It was suppose to be a one shot but it seems i have to much inspiration for my own good.



Disgusting Gerard sighed and began to play with the hem of his shirt, in some desperate effort to distract his mind at the problem at hand. He had been too careless once again. He let Frank see him with his fingers down his throat. 'Fuck' He thought angrily 'I should have remembered to lock the door, how could i be so stupid'. To Gerard this was just another thing he would have to punish himself for later, the thought alone made him shudder. Of course it would be harder now, Frank knew the extent of what Gerard was doing. The endless purging and the countless hours of objectifying himself in front of the mirror. He had made a deal with Gerard; He wouldn't tell the others but Gerard had to write down everything he ate and make an attempt to get better. Gerard wanted to make Frank happy but that wasn't something he could do, he needed this. The way Frank had spoken to him, he could tell the young guitarist was choking back tears and trying to keep his firm voice from wavering.

Gerard let out an exhausted whimper, staring at the scrap of paper he had forced himself to get out. He knew Frank would be keeping a close eye on him now so he had to at least make it look like he was getting better. He just couldn't imagine if Mikey or the other guys found out, what would they think of him? He was fat, ugly and disgusting.

He wanted to be perfect for Frank, but he didn't want Frank to be worried about him either. He loved it when Frank was happy...it made him happy. It was a infinite loop. A vicious circle. How could Frank love him when he was...well this.

Gerard picked up one of his grotty old pencils and chewed it thoughtfully.


Tuesday- boiled carrots, cigarettes

He thought he had seen some earlier in the tour bus fridge, and cigarettes didn't really count but it was worth a shot. Gerard ran his hand through his greasy hair which was now stuck out in odd directions and clearly stuck with sweat and grime. That was the problem with bleach white hair, the dirt was always so visible.

Gerard's inner ramblings about his hair were cut short by a small knock at the door.

''Come in'' He coughed, surprised at how raspy his voice had become.

The door to the bunks opened and Mikey,Ray and Bob walked in all with the same sympathetic look. He guessed they still thought he was sick since it accounted for the long periods of time he spent in the bathroom, his appearance, lack of appetite and how he spent almost the whole time on the road isolated from the rest of the band. Frank trailed in after the trio, avoiding eye contact with the pale singer.

''Hey buddy how ya feeling'' Ray smiled pityingly.

''Fine Toro'' Gerard forced a grin. ''Better now anyway''

This earned Gerard a glare from Frank but he ignored it.

''You gonna be able to do the show on Saturday'' Mikey asked excitedly. He could be such a child at times Gerard thought.

''Yeah i should be fine''

''Great we'll leave you for a bit then'' Mikey said assuming his brother wanted some time alone to sketch or sleep which was right, Gerard recently was constantly tired and had no energy. He didn't actually remember the last time he ate properly so it was to be expected.

''Frank i have that thing you wanted'' Gerard said quietly, discreetly passing the scrap of paper to Frank who took it and scanned it quickly. Gerard couldn't read his facial expression.

Mikey seemed to sense that there was something that Frank and his brother wanted to talk about and as much as he wanted to ask what was on that piece of paper, he figured Gerard would inform him later. I mean they told each other everything, right? He dragged Ray out of the room behind him, Bob got the hint and followed still eyeing Gerard suspiciously, he hadn't wanted to say anything but ...

'Has he got skinnier?' Bob thought, inwardly shrugging it off as he left.

When the rest of the band left Frank immediately locked eyes with his best friend. Gerard's eyes were grey and pale but Frank willed himself not to cry at the sight of the broken man before him.

''Gee, i know you're lying you haven't left your room all day''

'Damn' Gerard hadn't thought of that. Oh well he would just have to punish himself for that too.

''Please Gerard'' Frank knelt down to where Gerard was sitting on the bunk. '' You gotta talk to me, why are you doing this to yourself?'' Frank spoke softly trying to achieve a rational answer.

Gerard was panicking. Of course Frank was going to ask but Gerard thought he would automatically blame this sudden obsession on his recent break up with Eliza. God knows he hated the bitch. But that wasn't the the reason, if anything Gerard was happy things had ended with Eliza heck he was happy she had cheated on him. Despite how much he wanted to though he could never tell Frank the real reason behind it all.

Gerard starred at Frank, pleading desperately with his eyes not to take it any further.

''Gerard you gotta tell me'' Frank said raising his tone, getting frustrated with the stubborn vocalist.

''P-Please Frankie'' Gerard whined. He didn't have the strength to argue with Frank right now.

''GERARD YOU HAVE TO TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON, WHAT MADE YOU WANT TO DO THIS TO YOURSELF'' Frank snapped, getting to his feet.

Gerard flinched at Frank shouting. Frank hardly ever shouted at Gerard. He gazed up at the younger man with wide eyes, cowering slightly.

''It's nothing Frank, i'm fine trust me''

''BULLSHIT GEE, YOU'RE A WRECK AND YOU NEED HELP''

Gerard was beginning to get angry. Why was everyone always telling him he needed help? When Mikey had gotten depressed no one said ''you need help''. Gerard was thankful he got it but that wasn't the point. He felt like the rest of the band was constantly watching over his shoulder and it was suffocating.

''Frank i keep telling i can handle this''

''YOU CAN'T HANDLE ANYTHING ANYMORE GERARD'' Frank screamed still trying to fight the tears that were building up behind his eyes like liquid fire. He was sick of sitting back and watching Gerard destroy himself. Last time he had stayed out of the human wreckage that was Gerard Way and even when Gerard needed him most he had pushed him away claiming drugs were the only thing that mattered to him anymore. Little did he know it had been a cry for help....Gerard had tried to kill himself that night. Frank still carried the guilt with him now. He would NOT let it happen again.

''OH YEAH'' Gerard stood up from his bunk. His whole body was tense with pressure as he tried to keep his legs from buckling beneath him, they felt like jelly as he got to his feet. He swayed slightly and grasped the nearby wall. ''I SEEM TO BE DOING A GOOD JOB OF KEEPING IT TOGETHER''

Frank scoffed. ''PLEASE GERARD LOOK AT YOURSELF YOU CAN BARLEY STAND, HOW IN GODS NAME DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA SURVIVE A WHOLE SHOW''

This stopped Gerard in his track's.

''YOU KNOW WHAT GEE I TRUSTED YOU. YOU SAID YOU WOULD GET BETTER BUT YOU JUST KEEP LYING TO ME!'' Frank continued screaming no longer caring if anyone else on the bus heard. ''I'M SICK OF TRYING TO HELP YOU GERARD WHEN YOU KEEP SELF DESTRUCTING LIKE THIS''

''I'M TELLING THEM'' and with that Frank stormed out, leaving a bewildered, helpless Gerard. He finally let his legs collapse beneath him, all that shouting had drained him completely. He felt hot tears stream down his flushed cheeks and patter lightly onto the stained grey carpet. Gerard couldn't even imagine his friends reactions to his sick obsession. What would they think about him now? Ray? Bob? Mikey? Oh crap Mikey. He had always looked up to his brother with admiration for overcoming his own demons. He would be so disappointed to find out that Gerard was just as fucked up as before. Frank was right, Gerard wasn't sure he could control this anymore. It was like it was now a compulsion more than a choice. Frank would hate him even more now.

Gerard clambered into his bunk with what little strength he had left. Subconsciously huddled himself into a small bony ball and hugged his legs close. He felt safe and protected under all the blankets, but despite the obvious warmth outside he was shivering and frozen. It was like even pumping blood round his body was an effort, as Gerard could hear his heartbeat in his ears. ''weak and pathetic'' He whimpered letting sobs rack through his body. He cried himself to sleep just like every other night thinking.

'Why would Frank ever want me?'

NOTE: still not sure whether to continue. your thoughts?