Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > First of the Gang to Die

North American Scum

by unitedsuck007 15 reviews

So throw a party till the cops come in and bust it up.

Category: My Chemical Romance - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Humor - Characters: Bob Bryar,Frank Iero,Gerard Way,Mikey Way,Ray Toro - Published: 2011-07-08 - Updated: 2011-07-08 - 2899 words - Complete

I think last time MCRkilljoy got offended when Lorna made a joke about Ireland,but no worries,Lorna was Irish.And to FlyingSmoke;very accurate about the housewife thing!Pablo Honey is the debut album from Radiohead.

Yes.This is not a Morrissey chapter.It's a LCD Soundsystem one.

Just because they're so awesome and stuff,and the next title I'm saving for the wedding.There will be a few other chapters that aren't by Morrissey,like:

Salvation-The Cranberries
My Boy Builds Coffins-Florence + The Machine
Hometown Glory-Adele
House of Cards-Radiohead
Salute Your Solution-Raconteurs

Yeah.So there you go.

And more unread emails;

"do u like msi?"


"do the itunes shuffle game"

and,best of all

"ur not a real fan if u dont like danger days"

1.Not really,I think their music is actually kind of annoying.And not to be a hipster or something,but I like it if the band I listen has like some substance or something.Y'know,deep or whatever?

But,Never Wanted to Dance is a very good song.And LynZ is really fucking hot.

2.By that,I presume you mean the first ten songs that pop up when I press shuffle on iTunes?Okay then.If you're reading this,do it as well,I don't want to be a loner.

Come As You Are-Nirvana
Scummy/When the Sun Goes Down-Arctic Monkeys
God Save The Queen-The Sex Pistols
Force of Nature-Oasis
Loaded-Primal Scream
Black Lips-Veni Vidi Vici
Brain Stew-Green Day
Irish Blood,English Heart-Morrissey
House of the Rising Sun-Muse
Art of Losing-American Hi-Fi

3.I only have Bullets,Revenge and BP on my iPod.I really do not care for Danger Days.I know people are like "you're obviously not a proper fan if you don't like it,it's the same band they've just changed".Of course I'm a fan,but I just don't like the way they've gone.I just find all the bright colors,the killjoy theme,and all that shit...kinda annoying.I like,what,like three songs on Danger Days?As opposed to every other CD,where I can fucking match Gerard Way on lead vocals.

So,yeah,if you wanna say I ain't a fan because I don't like the new CD,go ahead.But,at the end of the day,I have loved them for five years,have seen them twice and have met Gerard and Mikey.My bedroom is basically a shrine to them.I named two of my cats after Ray.Last of all:

When I met Gerard Way,he called my freaky Irish surname awesome.My life is complete.

(I highly doubt he called your freaky Irish surname awesome...)

But,back to the iTunes thing,go do it.I do not permit you to read my story unless you do it.Even if fucking Miley Cyrus comes up,do it.

Although be prepared to face the scorn of disgusted FiWadders.

FicWadders?FicWaddians?FicWaddish?Fuck I have no clue,

xo lorna

btw,heard Avril Lavigne's newish song today.What the fuck?(I avoided that "what the hell" pun that everyone is using.)She went from an actual credible singer to some idiot who just shoves her shitty sponsors in your goddamn face.

yes,I know,Ray is extremely gay in this chapter,he ususally is.its a reoccuring theme in my stories.

this is meant to be funny,but I probably failed at that because my goddamn stepmom fucking BROKE MY COPY OF OK COMPUTER THAT WAS SIGNED BY THOM YORKE.

God,I hate people sometimes.

oh yes,and the magnificent Bob is featured here.He's just so great I couldn't not include him.And please do not mistake his humor as homophobia.

minor smut at the end btw

First of the Gang to Die
North American Scum

"There is no way in hell he's wearing that.I would rather die than see him wear that," Ray announced.

Frank giggled.Bob grumbled.

"You keep this shit up,you will be dead,"he muttered."Anyone for,what,like,the seventh cup of coffee?"

"Don't exaggerate,Robert."


Ray shook his head an returned to the catalogue he,Frank,and the ever charming Robert had been glancing through for the past age.He has learned several things in the past two and a half hours:

He,apparently,according to Bob,is the "gayest motherfucker to roam the earth since Jesus Christ"

Jesus Christ,apparently,was one gay motherfucker

Bob has a very low tolerance of "girly bullshit"

Frank is very quiet,and very polite

"It doesn't even have to be that great,"offered Ray,"it is just a suit."

"Ray,are you fucking kidding me?It's his fucking fucking wedding tux,he's hardly gonna look like a Mexican hobo that has very little control over his bowels,is he?"

"Where did you get that analogy,Robert?"

"Well,have a look at the fucking colors you're picking out."

Ray diverted his gaze to the waistcoat color chart below his nose.The caption beneath the particular sandy yellow he had been talking about read:

Vagrant with irritable bowel syndrome,of Mexican origin

"Oh,you gotta be fucking kidding me,"huffed Ray,"that's not a fucking color.You just,like,made that up."

"I shit you not,Toro,you know that I hear all and know all."

"But,what particular fucking area does this apply?Is it the actual hobo,or the hobo's poncho,or his sombrero-"

"His shit.Obviously."

Ray groaned."Bob,that's fucking gross."

"Why else would they include the bowel thing,Toro?Think logically,young grasshopper,and you shall prevail."

"Whatever,"Ray scoffed,returning to Frank."What about this one?That's nice-OR OH MY GOD THAT ROASTED MAHOGANY IS TO DIE FOR."

"Frank,meet Homosexual Ray.Homosexual Ray,Frank.He's like the normal Ray,except more effeminate and more prone to squealing around items of clothing."

"Oh,but Bob,you must see this,it's just so nice,what about this,Frank,huh?"

Frank was struggling not to laugh.He was enjoying himself immensely,as he had all morning.He was sitting in his usual trouser shirt ensemble at the kitchen table of the towering villa,sipping on freshly-brewed coffee.(Robert was quite the barista.)Gerard was "out" for the day,and would not return until later that night.Gerard had placed him in the care of his most trusted bodyguards;Raymond Toro,or the 'Fro man,and Robert Bryar,local neighborhood weirdo.Several other defenders were stationed throughout the house,standing by doorways and monitoring the long,winding hallways-some of them were from the Irish assemblage,as he heard them talk into their sleeves in that throaty,Germanic growl of a language.

They also did not wear suits.Farmers caps and grey waistcoats seemed to be their adequate.

However,the two men were the only ones permitted to talk and be amongst Frank,as they had been entrusted with a very crucial and meaningful part of his day;picking out his suit for his wedding.

"Nah,"Bob answered now,returning to the table with three cups of steaming liquid,"it'll clash with the red flowers."

"But it's so pretty,"moaned Ray,his face crumpling up and his chin quivering,"and it would,like,so enhance your eyes,Frank."

can I just say this is EXACTLY what I do when my parents won't buy me clothes.I'll be like "but its so STUNNING" and they'll be like "Lorna.for fucks sake,they're sweatpants,get a grip"

"His eyes are green,dumbass."

"No way,they're brown.So brown."

"You fucking blind?So fucking green."

"You don't have to swear,I-"

"I'll fucking swear all I fucking like,and will continue to do so until you fucking acknowledge his eyes are green."

"Smoldering brown?What about that?"

"Smoldering br-what the fuck is that,Toro?You and your fucking weird colors,swear to God."His eyes swiveled back to the beholder of smoldering brown's."What bout you,Frankie?Any preferences?"

Ray cut in.

"Oooh,y'know,I know the nicest little tailor downtown,when I went there they were just so friendly and helpful and I really think we should go."

"As great as that story was,I think we'll refrain.Frank?You're startin' a worrying me,kid."

"Um,I don't mind,"Frank mumbled quickly,"whatever you guys pick out is cool with me-"


"Whoa,whoa,whoa;calm down there,Ramona,"Bob chided,placing a firm hand on Ray's arm,"let's not whip out the scrapbook unless completely necessary."


"Let's just work your homosexual magic on him,yes?"Bob raised an eyebrow."What do people take into account whilst purchasing clothes?"

"What a great idea,Bob,"Ray chirped happily,pulling a notebook out of his shirt pocket."What do you wear normally,Frank?"

"When we're not wearing the suits?"

Bob snorted."Which is hardly fuck-ever."

"Shut up.You wouldn't know fashion if it took a shit on you."

"Oh,really,Mister Navy Socks With Black Dress Pants?"

am I the only one thinking about the Jonathan Ross thing where he's mocking Bob about his socks XD

"Shut up,"Ray snapped again,his full voice giving the retort a good amount of sass.

"I wife-beaters and sweats?"


"Oh,Frank,really,next you'll be shouting 'yeeeee doggiez' and telling me you likin' those young un's,"Ray muttered in a disgusted tone.

"The fuck,Toro?"

"My parents lived in the South for a while."


"Shut up!The South is actually a beautiful place that gets a load of shit from the media!I will punch you!"

"Aw yeah?Come at me,brah."

Ray inhaled deeply and tried to start again."Any favorite colors,Frank?"

"Not really,"he said,feeling bad."I'm really boring,I'm sorry."

"No you're not,"Bob said in a comforting tone,"you're normal.It's just that Raymond here has Christian Dior up his ass."

"That is just horrible."

"Shut up and go fuck Coco Channel."



"Chanel.It's Coco Chanel."

"Oh,I'm sorry,I didn't know I was meant to give a fuck."He looked to Frank again."Look,how about we just get all black?"Ray looked as if he may scream."Okay,okay,we'll let Miss Congeniality over here pick out the waistcoat color,deal?But no colors that make me wanna shave my own eyes, got it?"

Ray jerked his head.

"Good."A sip of coffee."How old are you,Frankie?"

"Twenty-three,"he replied off the bat."I know I look about fourteen because a my height,but I'm not."


"Ah,it's better being short than being freakishly tall."He glanced lazily at Ray."Like Cheese Puff over here."

"Would you stop with the fucking names?!That could be counted as homophobia,ya know!"

"Why don't we ask the actual homosexual?Frank,"Bob stated reasonably,"do you find my comments hurtful or degrading?"

"No,but I-"

"See!Do you see?!The gay guy doesn't find my jokes offensive,therefore your argument is invalid."

"I'm not freakishly tall anyway!I'm like five eleven or something!"

"Taller than me.Taller than Frank.Taller then this table."

"It's a fucking table,Bob,it's hardly gonna be fucking taller than-"

"You wanna hustle?"

"I-what?Where the fuck did that come from?I-aghhh!"Ray was pushed to the ground by Bob,who began to tickle the former furiously."Stop!St-st-stop!"

Frank was nearly pissing himself laughing from the scene,two grown men wrestling on the ground,both clad in Armani pin stripes,and the classic Italian shoes.

They eventually returned to sitting positions,patting down their suits,pinning their hair back into place.

"What did you wear to your wedding,Ray?"Frank asked,knowing it would please him.

Ray grinned from ear to ear.Bob groaned.

"Well,first off I wore cuff links from Macy's,and there's actually a great story behind it because y'see I was there with Christa and she was buying a dress or something and I saw them and I thought they are just precious but there was this horrible gash on one so I out it back down but then I picked it back up and figured y'know what..."

Frank smiled and giggled as he remembered the afternoon-the fights Bob and Ray had ensued,usually over petty things,like the color of Frank's eyes or,at one point,who they'd fuck,marry or kill out of world dictators.

("No way,you fucking sicko!I can't believe you'd do Napoleon up the ass!"

"Oh,come on,Bryar,you said you'd propose to Francisco Franco!"

"Yeah,at least he's hotter than your French minger!And probably wouldn't go off on some island for ages and fucking abandon me!"

"That wasn't his fault,he was marooned-"

"And now you're standing up for him!Fucking Christ,Toro,get away from me,you history pervert.")

Frank had not taken part of course,but it had been extremely entertaining,and his stomach had hurt from laughing.Presently he was relaxing on the middle of the bed,in his boxer shorts,dripping with water after the bath he had taken,small beads of heated liquid trickling down his chest and neck,making their way from his soaked hair.

I will now set aside some moments for you to imprint the image of Frank fucking Iero in boxer shorts,dripping wet.




alrighty then.

He heard the familiar click and thump that he had become accustomed to.He also heard Gerard talking to the guards in a low,dangerous tone that wasn't exactly loud but carried through the house nonetheless.Fuck,if you can hear someone three flights of stairs away,that counts as carrying,right?

Dragging of feet and ascension of stairs told Frank that Way was coming,and he perked up.His good day had affected his mood,and so when the outlaw entered the room,a beam was spread across his fiancee's face.

"Hullo,"he said,and then raising his eyebrows when he saw the lack of clothes on the boy,"my God,doesn't someone look good."

"I had a bath,"Frank declared proudly,feeling like a toddler.

"I'm sure you did,"Gerard muttered,his eyes still on Frank as he removed his tie and jacket,throwing them on the floor,and joining Frank on the bed.

"You smell divine,"Gerard purred into Frank's ear,beginning to gnaw at his neck,the wet,warm flesh delicious and tender in his mouth.

"You smell like blood,"Frank replied bluntly.

"Because I've been all but bathing in it.Fucking pricks."

Gerard felt his blood surge as Frank jolted,his innocence forcing his body flinch once the double swear was released into the air.

"Aw,sugar,"MCR reference,anyone?Gerard choked,consumed with lust,moving down to Frank's collarbone,planting butterfly kisses frantically along it,losing all decorum,"sugar,baby,(MORNINGWOOD!)lie down for me,baby."

Frank flattened himself out,rolling his shoulders back and gasping with desire as Gerard trailed his mouth down Frank's midriff,running his hands over his naked thorax.Frank was delighted and surprised and nervous when he felt his shorts being lowered from his waist,clenching the sheets in his sweaty palms.

"I thought-you wanted-to wait-"

"Technically this ain't it,"heaved Gerard,pulling the drawers down to Frank's ankles,and then spreading Frank's thighs gently,admiring the pale,soft skin that stretched across them,kissing the light crevasses.He smiled and reveled at the fact that he was the first to do this,the first to introduce the boy to sex,the first to taste the boy properly.

Slowly,oh so goddamned slowly,Gerard moved to enclose his mouth around Frank's shaft,which was already leaking pre-cum.He worked his tongue around the base,flicking when he came to the slit,whilst all the time working his hands around Frank's throbbing erection,squeezing and milking the boy for all he was worth.

Frank came suddenly and without warning;his back arched into a graceful arc as he gasped and cried out,fisting the black locks of the taller,surging straight into Gerard's mouth,whom,ever faithful,swallowed all Frank could offer.

hahahahahha while I was writing that my little sister was eating a vanilla yogurt and oh my dear lord I am fucking pissing myself now and shes just like "wtf"

Gerard removed his mouth from the tip with a popping slurp,and hitched Frank's drawers back up again,smirking as he did.His own erection was aching,throbbing in his trousers,but the blown-literally-look on Frank's face made it all float away.

she just looked over my shoulder and now shes like OH MY GOD,she still fucking had the yogurt

"Oh my God,"Frank whispered,his chest pumping up and down,his eyes half-lidded and hazy,"oh,Gerard,that was amazing.Thank you."

Gerard smiled,looking down at him,straddling his waist,tweaking his nipple.

"You have the most beautiful eyes,Frank,"he cocked his head to one side."Smoldering brown,I believe."

There ya go,couldn't really contain the dirtiness anymore XD hope that made you chuckle,at least.
Now go do the iTunes thing as well.Or I will pop a cap in yo ass.
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