FicWad

A/N: so this story got away from me fast! I only intended it to be a short one shot, but what I intend to write never goes according to plan XD plain and simple this is total crackfic, I don't even know how the idea came to me. All I know is I find it fun to mess with Chris and I love these three guys

I'd also like to point out that this is AU so in here there's no mention of Chris' kids or Randy's daughter, it's like they never existed…

While I have never had a dream as crazy as the ones mentioned in here I am guilty of having some pretty weird ones due to a late dinner or a movie I fell asleep while watching so I guess in retrospect this wasn't really that hard to identify with. Maybe that's why it turned out so long, I just couldn't stop adding to it. The idea came to me when I was without paper (as they usually do -.-) so I texted the story to myself, it turned into a text spam that I didn't quite realize the true length until I went to type it up. As I was typing I would get new ideas I thought I should add and this story continued to grow, but I think it was well worth it. This version is definitely a lot funnier than what I had originally envisioned. I hope you enjoy the fic as much as I enjoyed writing it

Reviews = LOVE

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

13. Dream Police –Chris/Phil/Randy

Chris woke to a throbbing headache and a sore back. He blamed his back on the fact that he'd apparently fallen asleep on the couch. Mentally he cursed Randy for not moving him to the bed last night, but he could always get back at the Viper later.

Rubbing his temples Chris moved to a seated position bringing his feet to rest on the floor. He yelped when his right foot stubbed something sending a sharp pain up his leg.

Grabbing his foot he looked down to find a discarded yellow Lego. "What the fuck," he muttered confused. Since when did they have Legos in their house?

"Phil, what the fuck are all these Legos doing on the ground," Chris shouted as he threw the offending item across the room.

"Watch your language Christopher!" Phil yelled back from somewhere in the house Chris couldn't quite pinpoint. "The kids are still here."

Chris eyebrows rose up at Phil's last statement.

'Kids?'

Licking his lips Chris stood up carefully as he maneuvered his way through the Legos that were scattered across the ground.

'Kids? What the hell was Phil talking about? They didn't have any kids..'

Clearing his throat Chris apologized trying his best to not sound confused "I'm sorry Philly, how careless of me I forgot."

Phil's voice carried out to the living room "just be a little more careful Christopher. The last thing I want to do is spend my entire afternoon having to explain the meaning of that word to the children."

Chris smirked finally pin pointing Phil's location, the kitchen. Walking into the kitchen Chris' smirk fell off his face when he didn't see Phil but instead hear the sound of the washing machine.

Now that was weird, they never used the washing machine; they always sent their clothes out instead. In fact, Chris was fairly certain Phil didn't even know how to operate a washing machine.

Looking around the kitchen Chris' eyes were drawn to the fridge which was a mess of photographs. Stepping forward he quickly began scanning the pictures that were held up by an array of magnets.

The entire fridge was filled with pictures of children, from what Chris could tell there seemed to be five kids in all and their photos were everywhere.

One photo was of a little boy no older than 10. He had blond hair that was spiked and green eyes. He wore a hockey uniform and was grinning brightly.

Another photo further down the fridge was one of a little girl, 8 maybe 9. She had dirt smeared on her face from playing, but she didn't seem to care. Baby blue eyes shinning brightly contrasting with her tanned skin, her brown hair pulled back into pig tails as she sat on a swing smiling at the camera.

Just below that photo was one of a little boy who looked to be about 7. Brown hair buzzed short, tanned complexion, with green eyes. He was dressed in what looked like a soccer uniform, and if the grin plastered on his face was an indication of anything Chris would say he was quite the little troublemaker.

To the left of that photo was one of a little girl who couldn't have been older than 5. She wore her shoulder length jet black hair down with a red head band firmly in place. She had green eyes that seemed to dance with excitement. She was dressed in a navy blue dress that had a red sash in the middle, in her right hand was a basket filled with colored eggs. In her left hand she held one up for whoever took the picture to see. She seemed to have been caught mid giggle, but the candid photo was priceless.

Chris' eyes came to rest on the final photo which had two children in it, most likely twins since they looked to both be about 4 years old. It was an old Christmas photo; both were poised on Santa's lap. On ole Saint Nick's left knee sat a boy. His blond hair styled in small spikes, his green eyes seemed to sparkle in excitement. He was grinning almost maniacally, his front teeth missing. The girl was on the right knee. Black hair falling to her shoulders a red bow atop her head. Blue eyes looked up expectantly at the camera, a small smirk on her face.

Chris swallowed nervously, maybe his eyes were playing tricks on him, but all five of the children seemed to bare a strange resemblance to him, Phil, and Randy.

"Hey Phil, where's Randy at?"

Walking out from the laundry room with a basket Phil looked at Chris slightly annoyed. "That's not nice Christopher. You know how hard the first three months are on Randal, and it's been worse this time around. He's upstairs resting."

Chris nodded mumbling a sorry; he was extremely confused right now, but he had a feeling that if he asked anymore questions he would just end up in trouble with Phil, and that was never a good thing.

Phil smiled apologetically at Chris "I'm sorry. It's just been a crazy morning what with running around with the kids. I'm just a little tired," Phil replied as he moved around the kitchen counter. "Hey do you mind taking these clothes upstairs to our bedroom Christopher darling?"

Chris shook his head "nah, I got it," he replied grabbing for the basket as he placed a kiss to Phil's temple.

Phil smiled "Thanks babe," he whispered relinquishing the basket.

Yawning Phil brought a hand to his back and that's when Chris noticed for the first time that behind that laundry basket Phil had been holding was a protruding baby bump.

Chris dropped the basket of clothes almost immediately after he saw Phil's bump. Back peddling Chris ran into the counter.

Shocked Phil knelt down to pick up the fallen clothes. "What has gotten into you Christopher! You've been acting really weird since you woke up."

Mind racing Chris shook his head "You're not real. None of this is real," he spat feeling his way along the counter as he moved backwards out of the kitchen stepping back into the living room.

"What's going on down here," came a groggy voice from the staircase.

Chris' eyes shot up to the staircase seeing Randy poised midway down the steps a hand resting on his stomach which curved out slightly, a small bulge beneath his white shirt.

Hitting the couch Chris flipped over the cushions but continued to scoot himself backwards away from Randy and Phil. "this is just a dream," Chris shot back eyes darting between Randy and Phil who had moved to the living room a look of worry on his face.

"Baby what's wrong?"

Chris looked at Phil bewildered "Everything! None of this makes any sense, it's not real," he yelled. "Guys don't have babies and I have no kids!"

A hand shot up to Phil's mouth as he began crying from the sting of Chris' retort.

"Pa, what's wrong with Daddy," came a small voice from behind the couch.

Craning his neck upwards Chris saw a little girl, the one from the Santa picture with black hair and blue eyes, and she was pointing directly at him.

That was the last straw; Chris closed his eyes and screamed.

Chris felt a nudge and the next thing he knew he was sitting up in bed covered in a thin layer of sweat shaking.

"Hey relax baby, you're ok now," came Phil's reassuring voice.

Getting his breathing under control Chris wiped his forehead. "I had the weirdest dream ever," Chris whispered.

Phil turned over to face Chris resting a hand on his stomach which Chris noticed protruded outwards pressing snugly against his night shirt.

Seeing the bump Chris promptly fainted.

Laughing Randy walked out from the closet "didn't I tell you he'd faint," he spoke handing over a snapped Polaroid to Phil.

Smirking Phil pulled the pillow out from under his shirt. "Riddle me this dear Randal, how'd you know Christopher was going to flip his lid just now?"

Grinning Randy sat perched on the edge of the bed. "It was easy really. After you called it a night, surprisingly early I might add, Chris and I decided to stay up a little later and watch some TV. We warmed up some of the leftover Indian take out and Junior happened to come on," Randy said smirking. "Man that is such a weird movie, not that we dared turn it off," he continued laughing softly.

Phil shook his head "what did I tell you about letting Christopher eat Indian food that late, you know how he gets."

Randy snorted "yea, him and his crazy dreams."

Smiling fondly Phil nodded "remember when he watched Resident Evil?"

"And he was convinced Vince was the leader of a zombie army trying to take over the WWE universe," Randy added.

Phil laughed wiping tears from his eyes. "God it's a good thing Adam speared him, who knows what would have happened had he actually got his double tap?"

"Remember when he fell asleep watching The Dark Knight?"

Phil smiled "and he thought he was a billionaire playboy doubling as a vigilante sworn to protect the city. Even wore his underwear on the outside."

"And those stupid bunny ears," Randy joked. "na-na-na-na-na-na Chris-Man!"

Phil was doubled over laughing. "I swear that man has one over active imagination."

Randy nodded "he sure does."

Phil suddenly paled.

"What's wrong Philly?'

Gulping Phil looked down at Chris "you better help me wake him up before he starts yelling about the Wolverines and Commie bastards."

Randy locked eyes with Phil "you let him watch Red Dawn," Randy exclaimed.

Biting his bottom lip Phil nodded sheepishly. "He was getting frisky and I just really wanted a good night's sleep for once," Phil whined "so I told him we could cuddle and watch Swayze instead."

Randy shook his head "I can't believe you let him watch Red Dawn. Of all the Swayze movies you had to pick that one. Why not Dirty Dancing? Ghost? Hell you could have even picked To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar."

"Give me a break Randal, if you had been here instead of making an ice cream run you coulda helped keep Christopher busy."

Randy rolled his eyes "Way to pass the blame there Philly," he said sticking his tongue out.

Huffing Phil moved to shake Chris "top whining Randal and help me wake up our boyfriend before he turns our house into a fall out shelter."

Randy nodded laying the Polaroid on the night stand. "You know maybe we should stop buying Indian take out all together."

Phil scoffed "I've been saying that for months!"

Kissing Phil to silence the rant he knew was coming on Randy smiled against Phil's lips. "You're even cuter when you argue."

Blushing Phil lowered his eyes "just help me wake up Christopher," he mumbled.

Randy laughed Phil never could take a compliment.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A/N: I didn't bother to come up with names for the 5 children mentioned because well frankly I got a bit lazy and I didn't want to consult the old baby name book and mull over what names would suite the child based on the parents for 30+ minutes. However, I did feel inclined to add here incase you couldn't figure it out, just who was the parent of each kid.

10 year old boy – Phil is the 'mommy' and Chris the dad

9 year old girl – Randy is the 'mommy' and dad is Chris

7 year old boy – Phil is the 'mommy' and Randy's the dad (cuz you know with those two the kid would totally be a trouble maker XD)

5 year old girl – Randy is the 'mommy' and Phil's the dad

4 year old twins – Phil's the 'mommy' and Chris is the dad

Also I never really said in the story, just slightly hinted at, but Phil was pregnant with one baby, which would have been a baby girl, and Randy was pregnant with twin boys (which is why Phil made the remark that it was so much harder on Randal this time around)

Waking up to find you're the father (well caregiver) of 6 kids with 3 more on the way, yea I think Chris had a reason to freak out. ;P