FicWad

"Frankie baby...Frankie...FRANK!" Gerard yells the end part, awakening me.
"Mmhm" I mutter.
"We've got to get up. We've got to be at school in an hour. Do you want me to go make you a coffee?" Gerard asks me.
"No." I say, my eyes still closed and I grab for him to be nearer to me.
"Frankie, I only started at this school a few days ago and I've only been to like one class all up, I have to go."
"Mmm, fine" I say opening my eyes to view a beautiful Gerard.

Forty-five minutes later and we're showered, coffee consumed and walking to school.
We didn't shower together of course, that would just be weird...
"What are you thinking about?" Gerard asks me.
Shit.
I turn to him, he looks great today, he always looks great, but he has an air about him, like he's really excited or happy or something. He also looks great because he's wearing different jeans today, they're still black and slightly ripped, but they're also tighter.
I realize I haven't replied to Gee's question so I say awkwardly "oh, just stuff."
"Stuff hey?" He laughs, nudging me.
I smile at him as we finally reach the school gates.
We both have maths first, so class shouldn't suck too much. Walking into school a few people yell out to us things like "fag" and "Ew." How do people even know. My mind flickers back to a few days ago. Travis had said something to Mikey about a video. As Gerard sticks his finger up at the last insulting idiot and we walk into the hall, he notices the worried look on my face. Before he can asks what's wrong the loud speaker sound and the principal begins to talk.
"I would like all students to report the the auditorium immediately. I repeat, go to the auditorium instead of your normal class. We have a serious matter to discuss with you all."
I feel like I'm about to throw up.
"Frank, what's the matter?" Gerard asks.
I push him into the wall and whisper "The other day, I heard Travis say something to Mikey about a video how 'it's all on video'. Gee, it's probably us."
He processes my words for a moment and then says "Hmm, fuck."
"Fuck!? Is that all you have to say!? Gee! The whole school would have seen the video of us making out by now." I cry.
"If it was a video of a chick and a guy, no one would make a big deal out of it. I don't see what the problem is." Gerard replies.
"Gerard you don't know what it's like to be me. You don't know how it feels to be ridiculed every fucking day, beaten up over nothing, feeling like a worthless piece of shi-" I say, but Gerard cuts me off.
"You have no fucking idea Frank" He says angrily "You have no fucking idea what I've been through, so stop with all the 'poor me' bullshit, okay?"
I'm so taken back, all I want to do is cry. But I don't. I do everything I possibly can not to cry in front of Gerard. I don't want him to see anymore of my weakness, so I just walk away.

I'm half way down the hallway when Gerard yells out "Frank? Frankie I'm sorry."
But the tears are already pouring from my eyes and I don't turn around. I just keep walking until I'm out of that living hell of a bullshit excuse for a fucking school. I find myself walking through the local park. I decide to sit under a massive tree. I don't know what's happened. I shouldn't have walked away. I should have asked Gerard what the fuck he'd been through. But no, all I could do was thinking about my fucking self as usual. I never deserves such a sweet person as Gee anyway. Where the fuck a I meant to go now? i'll have to go back home and lie so much to my parents. Why don't I ever take my own advice? I sit under that tree for about two hours before I realize I'm just feeling sorry for myself and that I need to harden the fuck up. I anger myself and punch the tree, it hurts like a bitch. Blood trickles from my knuckle slowly and my past rushes back to me.
I run home, well to the house in which my parents reside, it's not actually much of a home. I try and make sure I look as non-gay as possible. blue jeans that aren't skinny legs, A dark tshirt and a hoodie. No eyeliner or any hint of personality. I look so normal it disturbs me.
As I reach the door of the all too familiar house, I start to feel sick. But I turn the handle anyway and walk inside. As soon as I walk in mum tells me she knew I'd be back and what I was doing back. I told her a bullshit thread of lies about how it was just a phase and I've thankfully come to my senses and am definitely straight.All the while I was thinking about Gerard. Thank God she buys my story. I run up to my room and don't leave it at all that night, not even for food, cigarettes and coffee. Dad's not around again, I wonder where he's been lately.

I can't sleep and it's already about 3am. My thoughts full of mainly Gerard and how shit I feel without him by my side. How shit I feel in general. My life is just a massive ball of shitness. I'm a failure, an outcast, a fag a cutter...
I quickly sit up and open my bedside table's drawer. I pull out a familiar friend. A friend that takes away all the pain, all the sorrow all the feelings. I must be going crazy. referring a razor as a friend, that just makes me a very fucked up person doesn't it.
I slowly bring the sharpened silver edge to my skin, push in deep, and pull it along. I have to bite my tongue to stop myself from yelling out it pain.
There's an odd satisfaction of watching yourself bleed. It's a comforting feeling, like all the feelings are gone and everything is just warmth. I slowly drift off to sleep.
I wake up earlier than usual the next morning. Just as well I guess, I have to change my sheets, they're blood stained. I've decided I am going to go t school today, I have no idea what i'm going to do if I see Gerard.
Just the thought of him makes me squirm. Just the thought of him makes me want to be in his big warm bed cuddled up together. Fuck. I miss him already.

I reach the school gates and i still feel dreadful. I don't even care how I look. Which is why i'm not wearing any eyeliner today. I get a few sneering glances as I walk to my locker. I don't even care. So what if I get beat up again, right? i should be used to it by now. I feel shit. I gave in to my blood thirst aka cutting. The more you cut, the shitter you feel, but for a few moments because of the cut, you forget everything. It's all a vicious circle.
What if I see Gerard? What if I literally pass out because of seeing him? What the fuck brain? What if I don't see him, and why the fuck would I pass out? I just keep getting angrier with my own stupidity.

By the time the final bell rings to go home, I've made up my mind. I didn't see Gerard today and I never ran into Mikey, so i'm going to go over to their house to see what's up. I mean, things can't just end between me and Gerard because of a minor argument. And he had every right to yell at me.