FicWad

I was always told that there was a reason behind everything. But this situation needed no reason whatsoever to break my heart in two.

"Ray?" I ask, stroking his hair with my free hand, in the other clutching a cup of coffee. "I'm sorry."
"Sorry for what?" he groans. Blinking and turning to look at me, he rubs the scratches on his arms. "Ow... I should be the one that's sorry."
"No," I shake my head vigorously. "I'm the one to blame, Ray. Without me, you wouldn't have done this. You wouldn't have to deal with fucking homophobes would you? No. If I hadn't told you... if I hadn't told you..."
"Mikey?"
"What?"
"Shut up for a minute."
"Okay, sorry."
Rays face is concentrated, his eyes squinting in the hospital light. We were checked in just over 24 hours ago, but this is the first time I've had a proper conversation with Ray since then. Gerard and Frank are at the cafeteria after complaining that they were hungry, despite Ray's health being everyones main priority.
"Mikey... without you, it would have led to this earlier on," he takes a sharp intake of breath then continues. "I love you, so much. You know that don't you? I'm sorry for this. It isn't you... why I did this."
"If you loved me that much you wouldn't have done this," I whisper feeling my eyes welling up with tears.
"Don't cry, please," he murmurs, feeling for my hand. I tear my hand away from his and run to the door of the hospital room.
"Bye Ray," I say and head out into the even brighter corridor.

*
"Whats up?" Gerard asks as I take a seat next to him in the cafeteria. I shake my head, causing my floppy blonde hair to cover my eyes.
"Why you crying?" Frank's face is full of concern. "Is it Ray? Is he okay? Oh my G-"
"Don't panic." I smile a little at his genuine overreactions. I feel my face droop, coming to the realisation that I might have done something I'll regret. "Ray... I don't think he loves me like he said he did."
"What are you talking about?" Gerard's expression turns from worried to surprised. "He's fucking crazy about you, when your not around all he ever does is talk about you."
"And when I am around..." I hesitate, taking in Gerard and Franks awaiting stares, "He cuts himself."
I burst into tears again, resting my head on Gerards shoulder. He sub-consciously puts his arm around me in a brotherly fashion.
"Mikes," he squeezes my shoulders, "There is nothing - NOTHING - that you have done to make him do that. It was the hate mail that got to him... not you. And if you do think it's over between him and you, it's okay. We're not going to worry about the band blah blah blah. Seriously, just do what you think is best."
Frank nods his head in agreement.

Decisions, decisions, decisions.