Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco > Back to the Place

I May Never Sleep Tonight

by TayBayBay 2 reviews

Guilt does some amazing things...

Category: Panic! At The Disco - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Romance - Published: 2011-08-13 - Updated: 2011-08-13 - 1484 words

A/N I listened to "Trade Mistakes" while writing. I recommend listening to it while reading! It adds a good effect I think.

Sarah kissed Brendon lightly on the lips, then smiled over at Ryan.
"Thanks for the lift! Have fun," she looked back to Brendon, "give me a call when you're on your way home." And with a flash of her perfect white teeth, she turned and walked up towards their door.
Brendon let out a long sigh, and watched after her. Ryan put the car in reverse and turned back onto the main street. Most of the car ride was quite, both of their minds racing.
"And here's the newest single from one of my favorites, Panic! At the Disco. It's called Ready To Go-" Brendon quickly switched off the radio. Ryan glanced over at him and frowned.
"You guys are on the radio." He said flatly.
"Yeah. That's song's a crowd pleaser." Brendon shrugged. Ryan kept his eyes fixed on the road.
"Do you like it?"
"It's probably my favorite on the album, actually." Brendon admitted. Ryan nodded, trying to think of where to move the conversation next. He knew that he shouldn't bring up Sarah. Not yet anyway.
"See, you're more main stream than you like to make people think." Ryan lightly joked. Brendon smiled.
"I guess so." He looked over at Ryan. Were those tears building up in his eyes? "Ry, are you all right?"
Ryan blinked and felt a tear stream down his cheek. He hadn't even noticed they were there. "I'm fine." He lied.
"Why do I not believe you?" Brendon continued. Ryan shook his head, not wanting to admit what was really on his mind. Brendon sat back in his seat and continued to stare at Ryan. He was so perfect, even when he was crying.
Soon enough they were pulling into Ryan's apartment complex. It had started to rain, which was a blessing for L.A at this time of year. Ryan turned off the car, and grabbed a hoodie out of the back seat. He took off the scarf around his neck, and his vest, then put the hoodie on. The two sat in silence for a few minutes, listening to the rhythm of the drops on the windshield.
"Are you going to tell me what's wrong?" Brendon broke. Ryan didn't look at him. He closed his eyes and took in a breath.
"I leave the band, and you guys get on the radio." Ryan began. Brendon's brow creased.
"Are you serious?"
"Let me fucking finish. Thanks." Ryan opened his eyes, tears were streaming freely now, and looked over at Brendon. "I leave, and good things happen... when I show back up, bad things happen."
"What does that even mean?" Brendon shook his head. Ryan grabbed Brendon's hand, making him stare into his eyes.
"I don't think I'm good for you." Ryan said. Brendon didn't say anything, he couldn't find the right words. He just continued to gaze into those honey colored eyes and search for something to say.
"When the band was still together, all we ever did was fight about lyrics, or sounds, or whatever, and now you and Spence seem to have the same ideas and they're really good. And as for you and me... Well, Sarah is an amazing girl, and you have something great with her. Now that I'm back in your life I'm just going to fuck it all up." Ryan continued. Brendon could feel the hot tears building up in his eyes. How could he be saying all of this? After all that they had been through? Ryan leaving the band ripped Brendon apart. He wouldn't do that again. He couldn't.
"I don't care." Brendon finally whispered. Ryan bit his lip, and wiped away a stray tear on his face.
"Well, I do." He let go of Brendon's hand and got out of the car. Brendon felt as if someone had punched him in the stomach, and knocked the wind out of him. Tears fell out of his eyes, as hard sobs escaped his chest. This was all happening too fast. Two days ago he had doubted he would ever see Ryan again, and today he knew that a life without him would be impossible. He loved Ryan too much to let him walk away without a fight. Brendon got out of the car and caught up to Ryan before he reached the door. He grabbed his arm and swung him around.
"I love you." He said. Ryan wiped away the raindrops on his forehead.
"I love you. I don't know what that means to you, but I know that I can't let you give up on us just because you think that you're not good for me. I could give a shit. I fucking love you, so that means I want to be with you for the rest of my life." Brendon let the words escape at rapid fire. Ryan was crying now, wanting so badly to wrap his arms around the boy he loved and kiss him with all of his might. But he couldn't. He had to do at least one thing right by him.
"I don't love you." Ryan lied. He could feel his own heart ripping as he spoke the words, his very being wanting to take them back.
Brendon blinked, the wind taken out of him again. "You're a fucking liar." He whispered, not willing to believe it.
"No I'm not." Ryan kept his face straight, staring into Brendon's disbelieving eyes. Brendon could feel a ripping in his chest.
"Then what was that last night, huh? What the fuck was this all for?" Brendon started to yell.
"I figured I'd never see you again, and I'd always been curious..." Ryan tried to sound as nonchalant as possible. Brendon shook his head. He had to be lying. There was no way he could be serious.
"I know you Ry. You're not that cruel." Brendon whispered.
"You don't know me. At all. I tried to play it off as Mr. Nice Guy in the car, but if you won't take a hint, I'll be straight up. I don't want to be with you. I wanted to hook up with you, because let's face it, you're hot shit, but that's it. I don't fucking love you. I had to say all of those deep emotional things to you last night just to get you to come home with me. I left the band for a reason, Brendon. And it wasn't because I loved you." Ryan spat at him, hating himself even more with every word. Brendon clenched his teeth together, as every word hit him harder and harder. Ryan turned on his heels, and walked to his door.
Brendon stood frozen, drenched from the rain. He tried to steady his breathing, but couldn't get ahold of himself. His knees fell weak, and he dropped to the asphalt of the parking lot. He let the tears pour out of him as he put his head in his hands. This couldn't be happening. How could this be happening to him again? Why had he even gone to meet him last night? Why did he put himself through this all over again? How could Ryan hurt him again?
"Fuck you." He whispered to himself, before lifting his head and yelling at Ryan's door, "Fuck you!" He pushed his trembling hand into his pocket, and pulled out his cell phone. He quickly punched in Sarah's number.
"Hey honey." Sarah's calming voice rang over the receiver.
"I need you to come pick me up." Brendon tried to keep his voice from faltering.
"Oh, okay. Are you all right?"
"I'll explain in the car. I'm at Ryan's, at the East Wind Apartments. Do you know how to get here?"
"Yeah, sure. I'm leaving now." Sarah said, concern painted into her voice.
"I love you." Brendon said, feeling something churn in his stomach.
"Love you too. Be there soon."

Ryan was curled into a ball on his hallway floor. This was the right thing to do. It had to be. He couldn't stop himself from balling though. Slowly he got up, wanting to change into something else and go to sleep. He began to walk down the hall when he heard Brendon's voice scream from outside.
"Fuck you!"
Ryan wrapped his arms around himself and tried to stop the sobs. There was no use. He turned the corner into his bedroom and stared down at the unmade sheets. He forgot about changing, and collapsed down onto them. He buried his face in his pillow, and took in a deep breath. It still smelled like Brendon. Ryan clenched his eyes closed, and held onto the pillow for dear life, letting his tears seep through onto the fabric. He continued to sob until his body finally gave up, and he fell asleep.
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