FicWad

Luckily for Brendon they were playing a small venue that night. Though Sarah had been a very helpful distraction the night before, it was time to get back to business. And where the band was, thoughts of Ryan always lingered.
Brendon buttoned up his vest, and straightened out his bow tie. By the image in the mirror, you'd never know that he was heartbroken and useless… well feeling useless anyway. Spencer mindlessly tapped his drumsticks on the make-up counter and stared at Brendon. They still hadn't talked about what what happened between Brendon and Ryan, and Spencer hadn't told him that he went to see Ryan. In fact, he probably wasn't going to tell him if he could avoid it.
"So are we going to talk? Or are you going to continue shutting me out?" Spencer finally broke. Brendon looked at Spencer's reflection and sighed.
"I'm sorry, man. I'm not trying to shut you out." Brendon apologized, feeling a little more than shitty about taking Spencer for granted. All the guy ever wanted to do was help.
"You know you can trust me with anything, right?" Spencer stood up, forcing Brendon to turn and look at him. Brendon bit his lip and thought for a moment. If anyone was going to judge him… Spencer would be the last one to do it.
"Spence, please don't judge me on this…" Brendon began hesitantly. Spencer nodded for him to continue. "I, uh,… have feelings… for Ryan."
Spencer bit his lip to keep from smiling, "Well, no shit."
"You knew?" Brendon asked.
"Bren, you practically dry humped the guy on stage at every show. Yeah, I fuckin knew."
Brendon let out a long sigh, "Well, that makes this a lot easier."
"What happened?" Spencer prodded for him to continue.
"Well, he told me all this shit about how he left the band because he loved me too much and couldn't handle being around me, and then we kissed, and went back to his place, and maybe hooked up…" Brendon spoke in run-on sentences, so not to choke on the words.
"And that's bad?" Spencer cocked his head to the left slightly.
"No. It was fucking amazing actually, but then the next morning we picked up Sarah at the airport-"
"That's awkward."
"I'm aware, I was there." Brendon rolled his eyes.
"Sorry, continue."
"And then we dropped her off at home, and when we got back to his place, he broke down in the car and said all this stuff about how he's not good for me, and that we shouldn't be together. But then when I put up a fight, and said we SHOULD be together, he told me the truth…" Brendon trailed off, not wanting to face the memory again.
"Which is?"
"That he doesn't love me. And that he just wanted to hook up with me because he was curious." Brendon squeezed his eyes shut, not letting them tear up.
Spencer shook his head, "There's no way that's the truth."
"Well, he left me out in the rain by myself for dramatic effect, so I think he's pretty serious." Brendon wiped at his eyes, "Look, I don't want to think about it anymore. Let's just go out there, and rock the fuck out of that crowd."
Spencer pulled Brendon into a hug, "You've got it."


**

Ryan wasn't sure why he was there. The show was going on inside the venue, and he just kept sitting outside, lighting his lighter and letting it blow out. He could hear the screams through the brick wall as Brendon's beautiful voice sang out perfectly as usual. Ryan's insides ached to be up there with him, playing his heart out for the world to see. But he was outside, listening to the band he left behind. That he had to leave behind.
He started walking along the wall, just listening. Their new stuff sounded amazing, and the old stuff wasn't too bad, though Ryan did have trouble dealing with whoever was singing the harmonies. They were doing it all wrong. He continued walking along the wall, until he found the side door. He wrapped his fingers around the door knob, turned it, and pulled it out slightly, just enough so that the sound was really pouring out. Ryan leaned his head against the side of the door, listening to Brendon's voice. God he missed that sound. He closed the door, feeling a little bit like a stalker. He had hurt Brendon enough already, he didn't need to be lurking around to be causing more trouble.
The screams grew louder, as they played the end of "Nearly Witches", their new closing number. He could faintly hear Brendon thank the crowd, and then it was nothing but screams. The crowd would be let out soon, and surely someone would notice and recognize him. So, he walked around to the back of the building, lighting up a cigarette in the process. He leaned up against the wall and closed his eyes.
Brendon was in there, probably high on the adrenaline, and having a wonderful time. He was happy. He had to be.
"Fuck." He whispered to himself, letting out his drag. How many times did he have to remind himself that Brendon was going to be happy, until he was convinced he had done the right thing?
Brendon would be happy like this.
Brendon would be happy with the band.
Brendon would be happy with Spencer.
Brendon would be happy with Sarah.
Brendon would be happy without him…
Ryan threw his cigarette on the ground, and tapped it with his foot. Two guys came out of the back door, talking loudly. Ryan glanced over at them, hoping not to be noticed. The taller one of the two was laughing to the smaller one,
"I have no fuckin clue what that was. But they ate that shit up."
"They just like to see Brendon getting hot with anyone." The smaller one joked. Brendon's name made Ryan look up.
"Yeah, I'd say so. He doesn't normally flirt that much onstage though." The taller one shook his head, and walked onto the bus that was parked out back. The smaller one followed.
Ryan let out a long breath. So Brendon had started his old antics with the new guys. It shouldn't have bothered him, but it did. A lot. He didn't want Brendon flirting with anyone on stage but him. Ever. Ryan clenched his fists and took in a deep breath.
Who was he kidding? It didn't matter who Brendon would be happy with.
Ryan could never be happy without Brendon.
And he could make Brendon happy too, just as much as Sarah could, if not more. He opened his eyes, and with sudden confidence, marched through the back door.

**

Spencer was onstage helping with take down. Brendon wasn't positive where Dallon and Ian had run off to, but he knew he was alone and didn't mind. He ran a hand though his sweat soaked hair and glanced at himself in the mirror. His shirt was unbuttoned down the front, suspenders hanging down from his belt, his hair was a total mess, and he was still breathing a little hard. He smiled at himself, proud of the amazing show they'd just done. Though he did get a little extra touchy feely with Dallon, just to make him forget about Ryan for two seconds.
He didn't really succeed though. The entire time he had been wishing that Ryan was up there with him, in his cute little hat and scarf, playing along with his insane crowd pleasing.
Brendon closed his eyes, as if to stop the memories from resurfacing. Why couldn't he stop thinking about him? He had to! He had to! This couldn't be healthy!
"Brendon." Ryan's voice rang. God he was hearing his voice now! Brendon was sure he was going insane. He put his hands over his face, and rubbed at his eyes.
"Brendon!" The voice called again, this time causing Brendon to spin around in it's direction.
And there he was. Standing there, staring at him.
"Ryan?" Brendon whispered, his stomach churning with emotions he couldn't quite understand. He blinked a few times, "Ryan, what the fuck are you doing here?"
Ryan took only a few long strides to close the space between them. He looked straight into Brendon's eyes, and without so much as a warning, pressed his lips to Brendon's. Brendon kissed back, grabbing Ryan at the waist. Ryan kissed him hungrily, running his fingers through Brendon's hair. Brendon pressed his body into Ryan's, begging for more.
But finally his mind caught up with his body. He pushed Ryan away from him, and walked away a few good steps.
"Are you fucking serious?" Brendon yelled, tears spilling out of his eyes.
"Brendon, I'm so sorry." Ryan tried to apologize, but Brendon shook his head.
"No. No. No. No! Stop fucking with me! I can't do it! Why do you insist on killing me?!" Brendon cried, unable to control himself.
"I didn't mean any of it, I'm a fucking liar, just like you said." Ryan reached out for Brendon, but he flinched away.
"Please, just stop doing this." Brendon ran both hands through his hair and turned for the door. Ryan caught up with him, and grabbed the back of his shirt.
"Just listen to me please!" He begged. Brendon pulled his shirt away from Ryan, and walked out into the hall.
"I can't do this. Not right now. Just go, Ryan. Please." Brendon said. Ryan trailed behind him, unwilling to give up.
"No. You have to give me a chance."
"How many more chances do you want, Ryan? Tell me what you fucking want from me! Another hook up? Need someone to give you head again? Is that it?" Brendon was practically screaming, as the sobs escaped his chest. Ryan shook his head, staring at all the damage he had done. He reached out for Brendon and grabbed his wrist.
"That's not it! Just let me explain!" Ryan begged, as Brendon tried to pull his wrist away.
"Get away from him!" Spencer's voice yelled from down the hall. But Ryan didn't let go, as Brendon continued to pull away. Finally Spencer grabbed onto the back of Ryan's jacket and yanked him backwards, causing Ryan to lose his balance and fall back into a wall. Spencer grabbed the front of his shirt, and slammed him into the wall again.
"Spence! Don't hurt him! Jesus!" Brendon yelled, trying to pull on Spencer's arm. Ryan tried to catch the breath that Spencer had knocked out of him.
"Just get the fuck out of here, Ryan." Spencer said, in his low grumble, as he let go of Ryan's shirt. Ryan crumpled to the ground, as Spencer walked away, pulling Brendon behind him. Ryan met Brendon's gaze for only a second, tears in both of their eyes, before Brendon disappeared out the back door.