FicWad

Ryan refused to fall asleep. Sarah fought hard, but finally gave in after 10 hours. Ryan sat in a chair right next to his bedside, his head resting on his elbows pressed into the side of the mattress. He stared at Brendon, wishing he would open his eyes, if only for a second. The heart monitor continued it’s steady beeping, keeping the beat with Ryan’s breaths. He had to concentrate on breathing. He was sure he might forget.
Jon and Spencer had come in and sat with them for a while, but they both went to Jon’s place to get some sleep.
Sarah was laying on the couch in the back of the room, sound asleep.
And Ryan just continued to stare. His eyes burning from the tears that had dried onto his skin. He traced his fingers over the veins on Brendon’s hand, barely touching him, afraid he might break. He sent a silent prayer to whoever was listening, that he would wake up. Just to hear his voice again.
Ryan turned his head as he heard the door open. The doctor walked in, holding a file in her hand. Ryan put a finger up to his lips, and gestured to Sarah. The doctor nodded.
“Perhaps we should step into the hall.” She whispered. Ryan swallowed hard, and got up from his seat. He stepped out into the hallway and the doctor closed the door behind him.
“I have Brendon’s results.”
“And?”
“It appears the he is leaking spinal fluid very slowly. Instead of having the immediate effect that it normally would have, It’s dragging him down slowly.” The doctor explained, she couldn’t hold Ryan’s gaze. Ryan’s hands were shaking.
“Is he in pain?”
“No. He’s very numb at this point... But Ryan, I can’t guarantee that he will wake up from this.” She stated, sorrow written on her face. Ryan bit the inside of his cheek, trying not to sob right in front of the doctor herself. And he didn’t have any tears left to cry anyway.
“Can you guarantee that he won’t?”
“I can say that if he does... It won’t be for very long.” She almost whispered. She put her hand on Ryan’s arm, and squeezed, before turning and walking away. Ryan turned the door handle, and walked back into the room. He sat back down in his chair, and rested his head on his elbows again. He was going to stay here as long as he had to. He refused to ever move.

Three day’s passed. Sarah, Jon, and Spencer heard the news and grieved in their different ways. Sarah spent one more day in the hospital with them, but then decided to leave for her own sanity. Ryan didn’t blame her, he was going insane too. But he wouldn’t leave Brendon alone for the sake of it. He barely ate, and he talked to no one. He tried his best to stay awake, but sometimes his will would break and he would sleep briefly. He would dream of Brendon, making waking up just that more difficult.
He was caught in a weird dream. He and Brendon were sitting in a field somewhere. He had his guitar and he was strumming some tune he didn’t recognize. Brendon was smiling up at the sky. That was the entire dream. No one spoke. No one moved, except for Ryan’s fingers over the strings. Brendon turned his head to Ryan, and smiled.
Ryan’s eyes fluttered open. He glanced up at Brendon, and caught his breath.
“Hey you.” Brendon whispered. Ryan grabbed Brendon’s hand, tears already coming to his eyes.
“You’re awake.” Ryan was getting lost in those chocolate eyes. Brendon tried to lift a smile.
“Yeah. I am.”
“How do you feel?”
“I’m not sure... a little numb.” Brendon said. Ryan’s heart sank at the thought of the doctors words. He’d feel numb... and he wouldn’t have long. Ryan wouldn’t waste a minute.
“I love you.” Ryan said. Brendon smiled.
“I love you too.” His voice was barely above a whisper. Ryan squeezed his hand, but then dropped it.
“I’m sorry, I’m not supposed to touch you.”
“What? Why?” Brendon lifted his head a little bit. Ryan shrugged.
“You’re fragile.”
“Fuck that.” Brendon almost laughed, “Touch me all you want.” Ryan stood from his chair, leaned down, and ran his hand down the side of Brendon’s face. He put his hand to the back of Brendon’s neck, and leaned his lips down to meet with his. Brendon kissed back, but it felt weak under Ryan’s lips. Ryan sat on the edge of the bed, and looked down at Brendon.
“Why the fuck were you driving like that?” Ryan scolded gently. Brendon smiled a little.
“I just wanted to see you.” He answered simply. The response broke Ryan’s heart. He pulled Brendon’s hand up to his face and kissed it tenderly.
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Good.” Brendon closed his eyes. Ryan didn’t want him to close his eyes. He would miss one second of staring into them.
“Brendon?”
Brendon’s eyes opened, “Yeah?”
“Just making sure you’re awake.” Ryan bit his lip, tasting his salty tears on his skin. Brendon’s brow creased, he was beginning to catch on to why Ryan was so upset. He wasn’t overjoyed that Brendon survived. He wasn’t celebrating. That could only mean one thing.
“Ryan?”
“Yeah?” Ryan kept Brendon’s hand against his lips.
“I’m going to die, aren’t I?”
Ryan pressed his lips hard against Brendon’s skin, “They say so, yeah.”
Brendon took in a deep breath, that hurt his back a little. He let a few tears form and find their way down his cheek. He wasn’t sure how he felt about dying. It was a little scary to him.
“Ryan?” his voice was shaking now.
“Yeah?” Ryan whispered, his heart aching.
“Hold me.” Brendon’s eyes met Ryan’s. Ryan nodded, and laid down next to him. He put his arm around Brendon, allowing him to lean into his chest. Ryan nuzzled his face into Brendon’s hair and took in a deep breath. He started tracing circles on Brendon’s arm.
“I love you so much.” Ryan whispered.
“I know.” Brendon whispered, feeling weaker than before. “I love you too.”
They sat in silence for a few minutes, focusing on matching the other’s breath. Feeling as close as possible. Brendon began humming to himself. Ryan let his tears fall into Brendon’s hair as he listened to the tune. He added the lyrics.
“Sugarcane in the easy morning... weather vanes my one and lonely.” Ryan sang along with Brendon’s voice.
But his voice began to fade. Slowly the humming grew softer, and finally Ryan was singing by himself.
He held onto Brendon, tighter, willing him to hug back. But Brendon’s body didn’t respond. And the flatline of the heart monitor sent Ryan into hysterics. He grabbed onto Brendon tighter, moving his face down to his. He pressed his lips onto Brendon’s cold lips, one last time. He cried harder, rocking he and Brendon back and forth slowly.
The nurses came into the room, and gently helped Ryan out of the bed. But it was no use, he collapsed to the floor, and wrapped his arms around himself. He sobbed and sobbed, until no more tears would come. A nurse finally helped him to his feet, and walked him out to the lobby.
“Do you need me to call you a taxi?” She offered. Ryan shook his head, and watched as they wheeled a gurney covered in a white sheet out of Brendon’s room. The nurse nodded her head, and put her hand on Ryan’s arm.
“You’re a very loyal friend.” She said. Ryan looked at her, she was an older woman with grey tinted brown hair. He tried to smile at her, but it just wouldn’t happen.
“He was more loyal than I ever was. But thanks.” He said. Slowly, he turned towards the door and walked outside into a stale summer night. He looked up to the sky with heavy, stinging, eyes. The moon was bright, and lit up the ground.
Ryan tugged at his sleeves, and began walking through the parking lot, eventually to get back home. He let himself cry a little more, knowing that it wasn’t going to stop anytime soon. He started humming to himself... and eventually added in the lyrics,
“Hey moon, please forget to fall down. Hey moon, don’t you go down.”